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Music:

Gotta be somebody - Nickelback

Can't help falling in love – Celine Dion

That man – Caro Emerald (Dutch)

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Chapter 23: May – Feeling

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These past few months, how to describe them? Mind-blowing. Life altering. Freeing and yet connecting more also. Feeling Leah's energy while she phased…, it was unreal. I could imagine it to be quite upsetting, if you didn't know what was happening. It was intense, almost like a short vampire-change. My body was confused for a moment, it could not react like expected. The energy pushed against my skin to make it expand, but of course it refused. The burning sensation flared up to my head. Then, suddenly, I felt nothing, light as a feather.

So strange, I had nothing to compare it to. Even meditating wasn't like this. I moved my arms and legs, effortless, and looked at them. They seemed less solid, no, made of air almost. I didn't understand until I heard Leah whine and the word 'Please?' Huh, where did that come from? She couldn't talk in her wolf-form. I looked at her and was startled.

I saw myself on the ground, still sitting in the same position. How could that be? I thought of checking myself out and suddenly I was near, faster than a vampire. Moving around quick, I realised, my spirit was outside my body. Did that mean I was dying, like someone in the hospital? No, I didn't feel like I was fading, there was a connection there and it made me not worry.

Hmm, being like this, it was liberating. I wondered if there were any restrictions. My eyes went to the sky and again I moved so fast, I was up there in a hundredth of a second. The tree-tops were teeming with life. I could sense the bugs close to me before I saw them. Tiny blips of energy. The sensation of piece I got was wonderful. Looking down I saw the others were anxious and edging closer.

Slowly I went back towards Leah. She seemed to notice somehow and I was aware of her too. The ground came closer, I was like a bird about to land. That thought made me happy and I laughed. –May?- Leah's voice was there again. She heard me? I was right in front of her now and felt her confusion. Her wolf-face was gaping and she was unaware of it. So funny! I laughed again.

Now I was pretty sure she heard me. -'Leah, can you hear me?' I'm flying!'- I thought about what happened, my experience. She seemed to get that, we could communicate. Still there were questions and I didn't have the answers. So I decided to just have some fun, might as well. Hah, they were so surprised as I zapped over their heads. Edward couldn't hear me directly, cool!

Then, everybody phased and I heard the four boys of our small pack call my name. 'Hey, easy boys, I thought, not all at once.' Wow, cool, I'm in the pack-mind.' Well, not in Sam's, I can't hear their thoughts.' Yeah, that fact deserved some consideration. I concluded quickly that it was because of who I touched. Through Leah I was connected to Jake's pack only.

Getting back into my body the first time was weird. I followed our she-wolf's lead. It wasn't hard, but my limbs felt numb for a minute. Like when a human stays in one position too long and they 'fall asleep'. After that time it got easier with every session. Being in several other minds took some getting used to, but I could handle five. More than that? I wasn't sure. The seven youngsters kept asking me to try with them. Once, I gave in and made a deal with Sam.

We both felt uneasy at the exact moment. Though I wasn't going to look, it was… strange to be touching a naked man. I've never seen one in the flesh, only on pictures and in movies. Hey, that's normal for girls too you know. We have hormones and things turn us on. I'm not a total novice, I know my own body.

And Sam, well, the only women who'd seen him were the ones he loved. So he decided at the last second to leave his boxers on. They were easy to replace. The sound of them shredding, made phasing even more intense. Next I was bombarded with thoughts of twelve guys. Aahh, too overwhelming. The three leaders caught on quick and became silent. One by one the others slowed things down also. We talked some, but I made it clear I wouldn't do this again any time soon, if ever.

These past few months made me wonder about myself. Had I changed? What effect did 'flying' have on me? Father examined me several times in the beginning, but found nothing out of the ordinary. Still, that feeling remained. Partially because he kept checking me. From the beginning his eyes were on me every time I came back to my body. I could tell it was puzzling him.

He couldn't find anything and no one else seemed worried but him. I decided to test myself as much as possible. Emmet was surely willing to help. My brother soon discovered I could still copy his strength. That was fun! My healing was next; Claire falling and scraping her hands, no problem at all. I ran, jumped and climbed, just like always. Whatever it was that changed about me, I guess it wasn't bad.

But I wasn't the only one who'd transformed in a way. He had too, grown taller for one, two inches since his fifteenth birthday and three more since I 'flew' with Leah. His lanky, boyish features had disappeared. He'd gained more muscle-mass, especially these past few months. I didn't know why, maybe it's normal. He looked more mature now, like Jake when we met.

It was strange when I finally admitted to myself that I liked it. He was beautiful in every way. His happy, gentle nature was still there, shining in his eyes. – No! Stop it! You can't look at him that way, it's wrong! – Still, I couldn't help it. Especially when he glanced my way. Sigh. He was struggling too and tried to let it go.

That helped for a while, we both felt better, until that day at the beach. We were both surprised when we accidently touched. It was so different than we expected, I couldn't handle it and ran. Miles into the forest I stopped, breathing erratic, my mind whirling with thoughts. I needed to meditate and headed for one of my spots.

After that we touched two more times. That was less awkward and yet…. My feelings were split in half, on the one side I enjoyed his touch and wanted more. On the other side my rational mind said not to explore this any further. He was still so young and should be with a human girl. Or at least with someone who had a heartbeat and could give him a family in time.

So what could I do? At different times I gave in to both feelings, somewhat. When we were among others I'd be next to him, trying to act casual. Then, when the possibility of us being alone was there, I'd pull away. He didn't like that, the hurt was evident. Again and again I wanted to make up, to wipe that look away. When I was 'flying', I'd show him all of me or as much as I could.

I would show him how conflicted I was. Though I gave him a semi false reason why I held back; not wanting to risk our friendship. We were vastly heading out of the friendship-zone, but we shouldn't, couldn't he see that? Balancing on the edge was dangerous in so many ways. 'Stop!' I shouted through the link at one time. 'Please?! It's not going to work, no matter what our bodies are telling us.' I wasn't sure if the others heard us.

The bonfire, a good night. I was content having hunted before I arrived. Seth was an excellent DJ and everyone was enjoying themselves. I wanted the day to last and replayed everything in my head. It was probably rude of me to zone out in company, but nobody commented. I felt so comfortable, that's the only way to explain it happening right there.

Totally unaware how much time had passed, I came back to reality by his touch. I was in a happy mood and let myself just feel. It was like I had blood in my veins again and it flowed to the point where our skin met. His seemed firmer and less hot, more like a human temperature. Why did something so wrong, feel so right?

He blurted out then what had been lingering near the surface for a while. "I think I'm falling in love with you." I knew and I had similar feelings, but still that shouldn't mean anything. Telling him that was hard. The caring look in his eyes as he argued; "Why not, he asked, you feel there's some connection, right?"

I couldn't deny that, but we were opposites and well, I didn't trust my own feelings. I've never been in love, never been intimate with someone in any way. I could hurt him by just gripping him too tight. And what about my venom, so deadly to shapeshifters. Seth had confidence in me however. He really wanted to try. So I let him lead, I was just so curious.

His hands moved up, to my neck and face. There was more contact now and it intensified the feelings I had before. Our bodies said 'yes', adapting to each other, pulling us closer like magnets. So after his lips touched mine, I gave in after some hesitation. A gentle kiss like this was harmless, right? Wow, this was…wow, indescribable.

I didn't need to breathe, but felt like I should and I realised after he broke away, that he did of course, really need oxygen. Seth smiled, and quickly felt insecure, like me. He was so sweet. I reassured him that my first kiss had been wonderful. That surprised him and I guess I never talked about it. I'd have to do that later. A question flashed through my head; had he kissed before? I hoped so, oddly enough, but didn't ask him aloud.

He wanted to be my boyfriend and I was honoured. My rational vampire mind intervened again however. Warning me that this might be due to my 'flying'. I explained it to him, we had to be sure. Would we be here if I hadn't phased with Leah? Reluctantly he gave in and admitted we needed to slow down. We parted ways. I sighed as I headed to see my father, or doctor Carlisle, I needed him right now.

He was in his office, good. "Father, or doctor, I said, I want you to do more tests." He looked at me and knew I was serious. "Has something happened?" Carlisle asked. Yes, exactly the state of mind I wanted. "Maybe, I replied, it's mostly a feeling." He studied me for a moment. "Well, he declared, we've already done the physical stuff, I think there's only one thing left to test; you're chemical make up and dna."

That puzzled me, how was he going to do that? He walked away to a cabinet and picked up an empty petri-dish. The lid came off and he held it in front of my face. My eyes flicked between his face and the lab equipment. "You have to drool in it," he explained with a grin. "I need a sample of your venom." Oh, okay, I could that. Our resident scientist put the lid back on after I was done. "I think I'll have some results in a day or two." I nodded. "Thank you." Now it's time to reflect. My first safe spot awaits, that big old tree. I climbed up and just sat there for a while. My mind virtually blank as I touched my lips.

A little over a day later I decided I needed to explore things some more. I wanted more information to compare stuff with. Ugh, this was going to be weird. I approached Embry, he was the only one I could ask. He was near his home, alone. "Hey Embry, I called, can I ask you something?" He turned and smiled. "Hey May, he replied, sure, what's up?"

I looked him in the eyes for a second, before I studied the dirt on my shoe. I was nervous. "Ooh, this is serious, he chided, but you don't have to worry, it's just me." He lifted my chin with his warm finger. My first clue, a normal reaction, his skin was like a flame. I sucked in some air. Come on girl, go already. "Will you kiss me?"

His eyebrows shot up and he dropped his hand. "Why?" he asked, have I missed something?" I thought you and Seth…" Oh, of course they weren't oblivious. "Yeah, well, I responded uneasily, we're not sure yet." And I…want to know what it feels like." I kicked up the dirt. -"A kiss?' he questioned, you've never had one?"

A sigh escaped me, apparently that was abnormal for someone my age. Well, I wouldn't tell him about Seth's yet. So, I just shook my head. He chuckled. "You made me curious now, and you came to the right man, so sure, I will do it." My head shot up and I stopped breathing. Embry gently cupped my face with his big hands. Again it felt normal, as expected, hot. His lips touched mine and we moved awkwardly. It didn't last long.

We turned our heads away and he cleared his throat. I glanced at him and saw a blush. "Yeah, uhm…, he started, that was …" I felt the same and filled in. "Weird, awkward, strange?" – We looked at each other and couldn't help a small smile and giggle. "Yeah, he said, it was weird, wasn't it?" No offence, but you're like, my sister, and your lips felt like ice-cubes."

Another giggle left my mouth. "Non taken, I replied, you're like my brother also and your lips felt like hot coals." We laughed at the situation. He rubbed the back of his head. "So, what now, he asked, do you regret this?" Should we forget about it?" I shook my head. "No, I don't regret it, I learned everything I wanted from it." But I don't want everyone to know either."

Embry gave me a funny look. "Okay…, he said, so I should just file this away?" I nodded; "yes please." Again the look. "Oh, you want to hear it? I said, rolling my eyes. "Yes, you're a good kisser, if I was human." He grinned; "same back at ya." We parted ways to go home. I walked at a casual pace. Because it was big to realise the difference. There was something going on between me and Seth. Why? Was there really such a thing as spirits or a god? If so, why were they doing this, pushing us together? Could that really work? Part of the answer was in the test-results of my father's work.

That night we all gathered in the living-room. With fifteen people it was full. Carlisle called for attention. "Now, he said, as some of you might know, I've recently tested May's saliva, on her request." It was completely silent. Alice smiled and Edward looked surprised. Dad continued. "She still feels she has changed and I found out she's right."

He really got everybody's attention now. "I can't explain it, but…, he looked at me, you're becoming less toxic." There's less venom in you mouth, about 20% less." Several family members were gasping and staring. "If you keep on 'flying', he went on, I estimate that in a year, your bite will be as harmful as Renesmee's." No one responded, but me. I was so, so happy!

I jumped up and down, hugged my father, who seemed a little shocked. "Really?! I exclaimed, I'm gonna lose the one vampire trait I really hate?!" He could only nod.