Oh my =(

setting: episode 15 "This Sorrowful Life"

Damnation

Chapter 54 - This Sorrowful Life

Daryl had been following the track for more than one hour when he finally came across a promising location. He could see an old abandoned motel right by the road, but what really caught his attention were all the bodies that were lying around in front of it. At least 20 bodies were lying there, and when he got closer he pulled a face because of the stench. He took a closer look at the slaughtered corpses and noticed the different sizes of their stab wounds. At least two different knives had been used here, and the blood was relatively fresh. It just had to be Connor's and Merle's doing. The hunter kicked one of the bodies and then raised his head to have another look around. He couldn't really hear anything apart from the rustling of leaves and the creaking of wood. Not even moans could be heard, so he supposed he was all alone.

Daryl then noticed a turned-over vending machine by one of the rooms and saw the broken door, which made him frown. It had to be fresh as well, considering how many bodies were lying by the machine and how much blood was on the door, but he didn't really get what the whole thing was about. It looked like someone had tried to lock the door with the vending machine, but the person inside had managed to break out. Who had it been? Merle? Connor?

The hunter took another look around to make sure that the area was relatively secure and then made his way over to the door. The smell of blood, guts and rotten flesh got worse and worse the closer he got to the room, and he could feel how his heart was starting to beat faster. What was waiting inside? He prayed to god that it wasn't Merle's or Connor's body. Only god knew what kind of fucked up fight the two had managed to get themselves into with him gone. He had a look inside the room, only to see that there were still a couple of walkers staggering around inside. He swallowed hard and prepared himself for the worst, but neither Connor nor Merle could be seen anywhere. The walkers had not noticed him yet since most of them were busy eating a rotten corpse, but it wasn't one of the men he was looking for, since the body was wearing different clothes. As Daryl looked down at the moving feet and the feasting walkers he noticed a couple of bullet shells. 9mm. Of course, a shitton of people had 9mm shells these days, but for him it was a lead.

Connor.

Connor had been locked in here but had managed to get out.

The hunter shook his head and tried to get away from the motel as fast and quiet as possible. He knew what it meant. Something had went wrong between his friend and brother, making Merle lock Connor up inside this motel room. He didn't know if Merle had locked his friend up WITH the walkers or if the undead had entered the room after his brother had left, but no matter what had happened, something had went wrong. Daryl had noticed two sets of fresh tire track on his way to the motel room. So either Connor and Merle had split up and were now driving around with two cars, or someone was chasing them. No matter what it was, he needed to find them. He needed to get them back. And that fast. As soon as he was far enough away from the motel he started running, following the tire tracks, and although he wasn't religious he still started praying. He wanted them to be safe.

When Connor finally reached the farm the whole place was a complete mess. Countless thoughts were going through his mind as he slowed the car down. He had been speeding down the road, desperate to get here in time to save Merle from certain death, to warn Daryl and the others, should they still be here. Everything was -so- fucked up. This wasn't how his plan was supposed to work. Not at all. He had pictured it in a completely different way. He was used to his plans not working out exactly like he wanted, but in the end they had always worked. But this?

Everything was so off. He could see countless bodies for once. That was nothing really surprising, considering that a meeting had happened here just a couple of hours ago. Both Woodbury and Rick and Daryl sure had cleaned the place out to be safe. But it weren't just the bodies of rotten corpses. No, there were also fresh bodies lying around here. Bodies of people that had been alive only a couple of hours earlier. So something had went down here. Obviously. Connor felt a massive lump in his throat. What if Merle had screwed everything up for Rick and Daryl? What if his friend was dead? What if everyone was dead? What if Woodbury was heading for the prison right now and he wasn't there to warn the others? To protect them? And where was Merle?"

The Irishman stopped the car for a second and moved his healthy hand over his face to calm himself down. He needed to focus. He needed a plan. He let his gaze wander and tried to make out the enemy. Anyone in the woods, the bushes close to the farm. He couldn't see anyone. And he was pretty sure people would've shot at him already if they were here. Besides. He couldn't see any car. He couldn't see their Hyundai, he couldn't see Daryl's motorbike, he couldn't see anyone or anything. Just bloody dead corpses, and a few walker that were feasting on them.

"Fuck" the Irishman muttered and shook his head, unsure what to do next. Merle had to be here somewhere. If the whole thing had went down and he had come out of here alive then he would have passed him on his way here. And he was also pretty sure that that bastard would have let him out of the motel then.

He needed to find Merle, and he needed to make sure if he knew any of the bodies. The Irishman started the engine again and accelerated. The first thing he did was drive a slow circle around the property to get a better look. He wouldn't stop eying his surroundings, ready to react should somebody start shooting at him. But once again it looked like no one was there. The blonde had just driven around the corner by two old houses when he noticed the black car, which was standing right in the middle of the meadow between the houses and the silos. He knew the vehicle, because he had seen it back at the motel before he had been locked up.

So Merle was definitely here. He drove on for a bit more, being well aware that a couple of walker were now following him because of the noise the car was making. He finally stopped the car when he recognized the first body. The man had very long black hair and looked like his ancestors had been Native Americans. He remembered the man from the night he had been bit back in Woodbury. He had been one of the guards. He had the ultimate proof now. Merle had managed to get here, and he had started shooting at people from Woodbury. Had he managed to kill the Governor?

Connor got out of the car and grabbed his knife to kill the three walkers that had followed his car. The undead still wouldn't really attack him, although they were a bit more interested in him than other undead, who were still busy eating the corpses all around the property. Connor stabbed the three creepers and winced again because his shoulder hurt like hell, but he couldn't use his left arm, so it would have to do. Once the Irishman had put the murdered undead to the ground he let his gaze wander and checked out a few of the corpses. He remembered a few faces from Woodbury, but neither Daryl, Rick, Merle or the Governor were amongst them.

The Irishman suspected that maybe the other members of his group had made their way back to the prison. Maybe they had taken the Governor hostage after all this slaughter? Of course, that was a stupid idea, but it could explain the lack of their presence. Then there was also the other option, which made Connor's heart stop for a second.

What if Merle had screwed everything up and they had been taken hostage instead? Just like Glenn had suggested? What if his friend was back at Woodbury again? He paled at the thought and started running. He needed to find out more. He cursed loudly because for a second it felt like his mind was completely blank, like he had forgotten everything about what Daryl had taught him about tracking and hunting. He searched the black car but could find nothing that would suggest where Merle was at. He thought it was incredibly stupid that he couldn't yell his friend's name to make finding them easier. But he didn't want to risk drawing even more walkers in. He searched the houses in panic and almost wanted to give it up because neither Daryl nor Merle were anywhere in sight, when a strange noise which was coming from another hall startled him.

The Irishman froze right in his tracks and listened up, trying to make out from where the noise was coming at. He located the house and considered what he should do. It could be a walker, considering how many of them were staggering around here. But he still couldn't fight the odd feeling in his gut. What if it was one of his people? He needed to check it out. Connor started running and finally entered the last house on the far end of the property, only to let out a loud gasp because of what he saw.

"Fuck! Merle!" he yelled and ran for the man, who was lying there on the ground, shirt bloody and gurgling and making the most inhumane sounds.

It didn't look like he was dead yet, but he was in really bad shape.

"Jesus fuckin Christ, ye moron! I told ye we'd do this together!" Connor yelled as he knelt down in front of the man, trying to make out what was wrong.

He was even more shocked when he finally saw where all the blood was coming from.

Merle had been shot.

"What te fuck happened?!" Connor gasped and turned around in horror to see if there was anything lying around here that he could use to stop the bleeding. Since there was nothing there he grabbed gasping and coughing Merle by his shoulders to get rid of his black shirt, so he could use it to add some pressure to the wound.

"Fuck, we'll get yer back t'gether, come on" the blonde muttered and then grabbed Daryl's brother by his arm to lift him up.

Panic was slowly rushing over him because there was so much blood everywhere. Merle had been shot in the stomach, which was a pretty nasty spot to get shot. He was dying and that really slow and in pure agony, and the Irishman just knew that their time was running out. He didn't know when Daryl's brother had been shot, but if there was one thing he knew for sure then it was that he needed to get Merle back to the prison. They needed the right tools to remove the bullet and take care of that wound, and it was way too dangerous here with all the walkers around anyway. Even if they didn't attack him, they could still attack Merle, which was another reason why they needed to get to the car as fast as possible.

"Told...yah..ass..t'...t'...t'get back" Merle murmured as Connor heaved him outside, and with every single word that he spoke more and more blood was coming out of his mouth.

"Sh, shut it. Don't speak. It'll make it worse. We need ta get ye back t'the prison" Connor grunted and tried his hardest not to lose his shit, although he was really starting to panic now. He couldn't stop blaming himself for that wound, because he had been the one to talk Merle into this, because he had been the one mocking his conscience to make him go with him. And now this. Daryl's brother had been shot and it was all his fault. Oh, his friend was going to kill him for that. Fuck fuck fuck.

What made it even worse was the fact that Merle was so heavy and he was in excruciating pain himself because of the bite wound that had fully opened itself up again because of all the straining today. Both men were bleeding, both men were stumbling, and everything was so so wrong and so so fucked.

"I fucking told ye!" Connor yelled because he finally lost it.

"All...all your fault...pansy" Merle grunted and yelped when Connor heaved him inside the black car, since this one was closest to the house and had both its doors open.

"Shut up!" Connor yelled and then ran around the car to get to the driver's side.

He wouldn't keep his eyes off Merle the entire time, who was incredibly pale and bloody by now.

Connor fumbled with the car keys with his shaky and bloody hands and was properly panicking by now when he heard Merle's heavy breathing.

Oh shit shit shit, Merle was going to die and it was all his fault.

For days he had wished for him to die and now it was really happening.
And it was so so wrong and he didn't want it to happen and he was so angry and so scared and in such a hurry...

"You don't die on me, ye hear me?!" he snapped and Merle and then finally managed to start the car.

He drove away from the farm at full speed and looked at Merle every couple of seconds, to make sure that the bastard wasn't going to die.

Oh fuck fuck fuck. Please, god, please. Don't let him die. Don't let him die. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to Daryl.

He could hardly drive the car because of his broken hand, the panic and the fact that he was pressing the bloody shirt to Merle's belly, hoping to stop the bleeding until they got back to the prison. It was maybe a 30 minute drive and the rational thinking part of his brain knew that he wasn't going to make it, but he did not want to hear that, did not want to believe that. And this was exactly the point.

You just got to believe.

His motto. Of course he just had to fucking believe. He had to fucking believe that Merle was going to make it and that this whole bloody mess wasn't his fault.

"You don't die on me or I swear ta fuckin god I will kill ye, do ye hear me?" Connor muttered and turned his head for a second to look at Merle with wide eyes and panic written all over his face.

"We're gonna get back t'the prison and yer gonna be fine! We're gonna get back t'Daryl and he's gonna take care of yer worthless ass, alright?!" he tried to reassure dying Merle, although he knew that he was absolutely crap at it right now and although he knew that it was pointless. All the more did it startle him when Merle suddenly grabbed his arm and buried his fingers in his flesh, clutching so tight that it hurt the Irishman.

"N..no. Y'listen..listen t'me" he gasped as another gush of blood escaped his mouth and he was spitting and groaning in pain.

It sounded like he was drowning in his blood which freaked Connor out even more.

"Don't talk! It'll..."

"LISTEN T'ME" Merle snapped with all the strength he could gather and stared at Connor with wide and wild eyes.

"Y'look after little D. Yah...yah protect him no..no matter what. Yah..yah gonna die t'save..t'save his life or I swear..I swear I'll haunt..haunt yer faggy ass forever" he grunted and then started gasping and coughing even more blood.

"No I won't!" Connor yelled and nearly managed to crash their car into a walker because he was speeding down the road so fast that he could hardly control the vehicle anymore.

"I won't cos yer gonna fucking survive, alright?!" he snapped and cursed when Merle wouldn't let go of his arm.

"Yah..yah look after..after m'brother. Wanted..wanted yah instead'a me..anyways" the older Dixon went on and took a couple of loud and raspy bloody breaths.

Connor looked at him for a moment with wide eyes.

Oh fuck fuck fuck. Daryl was so going to murder him for all this mess. And right now he was in so much panic and his heart was so racing that just for a second he wanted to bawl his eyes out. He couldn't understand why the fuck this was happening to him every single time. All the time shit went wrong with him around. Cold sweat was running down his forehead because the experience was absolutely traumatic even now, because just for a second he wasn't in this car, this wasn't his best friend's brother's blood and this wasn't Merle asking him to promise him something before he died.

No, right then he was back in Boston again, and all the blood on his hands, on his clothes and in his face was his brother's blood. And his brother was dying because his plan had gone wrong, and this wasn't Merle but Murphy begging him to promise him something before he closed his eyes forever.

He couldn't understand why the fuck the past would repeat itself over and over again, and why it would happen right when he was about to finally get better. It was so incredibly unfair that his plans were getting so many people killed these days instead of saving them. Because this was what his plan had been about. He had wanted to kill the Governor just to save everyone. Daryl, the prison, the group, even Merle. And now this? The Governor was still alive, his shoulder was fucked and Daryl's brother was dying for nothing? Just because he had been so stupid, because his plan had been so stupid? No way. Merle wasn't going to die. Merle wasn't going to fucking die, and he wasn't going to hear his last words.

"Don't be stupid" he exclaimed, his voice thick with emotion.

"Yer his fuckin brother, not me. He fuckin loves ye, alright? He wants yer ta be with him and he wants you back. You got any idea how much he fuckin missed ye all winter? He wouldn't stop talkin about you, and he always looked up ta ye. He told me" the Irishman went on and then looked at Merle with a big lump in his throat.

The man next to him was only half awake by now. For the past couple of days he had felt nothing but disgust and hatred whenever he had been looking at Merle Dixon, and he felt so so sorry for that now, he wanted to take everything back, he wanted to make everything alright but couldn't, and that was driving him insane.

Because he didn't know what to do. Should he stop and try to remove the bullet himself? Should he take care of the wound himself and hope that the car still had its fucking first aid kid in the trunk? Or should he keep driving and hope they could get to the prison in time, where Herschel probably was, where they had an infirmary? What if Herschel wasn't there and he was just wasting time here? Fuck fuck fuck. He so didn't know what to do to make it alright. All he could do was drive faster, which he did. And that at such a speed that should they hit a walker or a tree in a minute they both would be dead and that without a doubt. He swallowed hard and looked at Merle again.

"Yer a fucking big brother. Big brothers don't get ta die. Big brothers need ta be strong fer their siblings, and yer a fucking Dixon. You don't get t'die.
Listen t'me. Daryl needs ye, man."

When he looked at the road again he let out a surprised shriek. He could see a person coming right at them, and when he took a closer look he saw that it actually was Daryl. He hit the brakes with full force and nearly managed to get the car into spinning out of control. The screetching of the tires went on for a good thirty seconds until the vehicle finally came to a halt, only a couple of inches away from the hunter, who was staring at them with wide eyes.

Connor opened the door and jumped out in panic, hair sticking straight up and clothes, face and hands covered with blood.

"Thank god. Thank. Fucking. God" he exclaimed as he ran around the car to get to the other side, where Merle was sitting in the passenger seat, face down and motionless.

"What t'hell happened?" Daryl yelled and followed his friend with wide eyes.

"He locked me inside this fuckin motel and went off on his own ta kill te Governor. Fuck, I think he was shot, we need ta fucking do something" Connor answered and ripped the passenger door open to get a better look at the older Dixon.

"Hey come on, man" he said and grabbed Merle by his shoulder, but couldn't do anything else because he was suddenly being shoved out of the way by Daryl.

"What the...oh my god! What the.." the hunter stuttered as he saw the bloody hole in his brother's belly. He tried to get a better look at the mess and started treating it as good as he could.

Connor moved his healthy but bloody hand through his hair and tried not to panic any more, but it was absolutely useless. It felt like he was hyperventilating.

"I told him nat t'do it but he knocked me out and when I got there 't was..." he didn't get to say anything else because Daryl suddenly turned around, got back up and started shoving and yelling at him. His face was nothing but a red and furious grimace.

"I told yah t'stay in there! I asked you to trust me!" he yelled as loud as he could and kept shoving and shoving Connor, who was staring back at him with wide eyes, unable to defend himself because of the shock.

"I know..I..we...we just wanted t'help ye people, and end this fer..."

"We told yah we'd handle this! We made a deal! You promised! And now look at him! This is all.."

A loud groan behind them made them both stop. Daryl still had his back turned on the car, but Connor could see what was happening. He watched in horror as Merle suddenly started moving again, and a second later a pale hand that was covered with black veins grabbed the door of the car to pull the heavy and bloody body out of it. Daryl eventually turned around to see what was going on, only to stop right in his tracks. Both men watched in utter shock how Merle dragged himself out of the car, wavering and staggering and most of all: growling and snarling.

For just a second it had looked like that by some miracle the older Dixon had managed to get out of the car on his own, like the injury really wasn't so bad. But when Daryl and Connor saw the look on his face they had to realize that this wasn't the case. The Irishman's blood ran cold. Daryl just stood there, staring at his brother, completely petrified.

This couldn't be happening.

Another exhausted groan, another snarl and the slow and clumsy dragging of feet as the figure that had once been Merle Dixon dragged himself further along the open car door, wide and milky eyes fixed on Daryl and Daryl only.

This couldn't be happening.

The younger Dixon just stared at his brother and dropped his crossbow.

Connor couldn't see his face since he was standing right behind him, but he didn't even need to see it. He knew what Daryl was going through. He felt a thick lump in his throat. He couldn't believe it either. This was so so wrong. This couldn't..How could...He had been talking to Merle just a second ago. And now?

The thud of Daryl's crossbow snapped him out of his shock. He could see how snarling Merle was coming closer and closer to his friend now, mouth bloody, eyes milky and...dead.

Daryl's brother was one of them now. And it was all his fault.
This moment seemed to last forever as Merle kept staggering towards them.

Until he heard the sob.

He still couldn't see Daryl's face, but his whole body language told him everything he needed to know. Daryl had pulled his shoulders up by now, arms bent like he didn't know what he was supposed to do with them.

Another sob.

And this time it was louder as Merle kept coming and coming. It was such a heartbreaking moment that Connor nearly wanted to start bawling as well.
But he knew that he was not allowed to do that. He needed to be strong. He remembered what Merle had asked him to do.

Look after little D. Yah protect him no matter what.

He needed to be strong for the both of them right now. It didn't matter if he had caused the whole thing or not. If he didn't do anything about it then Merle would attack and kill Daryl in just a matter of seconds. Connor stepped closer to his sobbing friend and tried to put a hand on his shoulder to pull him away from Merle. But it seemed like Daryl could sense his hand, because he suddenly stumbled out of Connor's reach, away from the hand, towards his undead brother, and more and more sobs escaped his mouth.

Daryl was actually weeping.

When Connor saw how his friend stumbled away from his hand and further towards Merle his heart skipped a beat. He was going to get himself killed!

"Daryl.." he said and tried to grab his friend's shoulder once more, and he was actually surprised how broken his own voice sounded.

Daryl suddenly darted even further towards his brother and yelled "No!" while shoving Merle away to keep him from coming at them.

This seemed to anger the undead Dixon, because he let out a loud growl and came right at Daryl again, which made Connor grab his knife in horror.

"Don't!" he exclaimed and wanted to stab Merle, but Daryl was already on his brother.

He ran right at him and shoved him to the ground, which shocked Connor so much that he could just stand there and watch. For a second he thought that Merle had bit his younger half's arm because of that shove, but the Irishman couldn't catch a glimpse because his friend absolutely lost it then. The noises he made were no longer the sounds of crying but pure anger, and then Merle's loud growls stopped abruptly.

Because Daryl wouldn't stop stabbing his brother's head.
Over and over again, making the most horrible angry grunting sounds Connor had ever heard in his life.

This had to be a dream. A nightmare. This just couldn't be true.

His best friend was absolutely hysterical by now and just wouldn't stop stabbing his brother, who was long since dead by now. And because the whole scenario was so gruesome, so incredibly different to what had happened to him with his own brother Connor was finally snapped out of his shock. Now he was painfully aware of what was happening, now he was painfully aware that this was reality and that it was on him to act rational here.

He heard the sick crunching and smacking of Daryl's knife every single time it connected with Merle's head.
The older Dixon's face was unrecognizable by now, like his brother was trying everything to make it look like it wasn't him.

Connor finally started walking and approached his friend, who was still grunting and panting with every stab.
He reached out for his shoulder and swallowed hard, and when he finally put his hand on Daryl's back the whole thing took a downturn.

Daryl suddenly turned around and swung his knife around, cutting Connor's cheek but not too badly. Before he got the chance to hurt the Irishman even more in his craze Connor had already grabbed his wrist and twisted it, which forced Daryl to drop it. But the hunter was far from calming down, because then he grabbed the blonde by his shirt and tried anything to throw him to the ground with terrifying growls and screams. Connor landed on his knees but would not fall on his back, no matter how hard Daryl tried to force him to the ground. He wouldn't say anything though, he let his friend rage against him while still trying to calm him down with his sheer presence, and soon Daryl would start yelling at him as loud as he could.

"This is all your fault!" he yelled as he buried his fists in the Irishman's chest with every punch, and although it hurt Connor he still stayed strong.

Because he knew that his friend needed this.

"You killed him! He's dead! He's dead" the hunter kept yelling and repeated it over and over again, until he was so exhausted that he couldn't do it anymore. A violent sob eventually escaped his mouth and then he finally collapsed against the Irishman. He was absolutely falling apart and crying and weeping like he had never done before, and although Connor felt like bawling himself because he had to look at Merle's corpse the entire time he still stayed strong for the both of them. He finally wrapped both his arms around his friend as tightly as he could, knowing that Daryl's rage was over, that now there was just grief and utter utter heartbreak. And although the hunter's face was buried in Connor's shoulder his violent sobs still echoed through the surrounding woods.