Chapter IX - Decisions
Draco sat alone in his dormitory fully clothed on his bed. He had his hands knees pulled up to his chest and his hands through his hair. It seemed as though there was a large and obtrusive weight pressing down on his chest, almost constricting his breath. He didn't know what to do— if there was anything he could do. How could he have been so stupid? The last word rung through his head and he just repeated it, over and over again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It didn't seem to be enough. There didn't seem to be a large enough word for what Draco was at the moment. How had he gotten himself in this situation? It seemed as though the universe was orchestrating his life so it was just one large fuckup after another. Now, he was in the midst of the largest fuckup of all. Here was the situation: he had been given a task by the Dark Lord to kill Albus Dumbledore. It was absolute ludicrous, utter madness and Draco had no other option but to go through with it. His parents were supporters of the Dark Lord and as his Aunt Bellatrix countlessly told him, he should be proud for this opportunity to prove himself to the Dark Lord.
In the beginning, yes, he may have believed that he could go through with this, and maybe succeed. Now, as reality hit he realized that he was alone, sixteen, and trying to do something that seemed laughably impossible. And now—Draco couldn't even finish the thought. It hurt too much to even think about it. He gripped his white blond hair and tried to stop himself thinking, but the thoughts came anyway, punishing him.
Hermione.
By associating himself with her, even the slightest thing, it put her in danger. On top of everything else, on top of his struggles with his schoolwork, the fact that his father was in Azkaban, on top of Snape's constant probing questions, and on top of this impossible task, he had put Hermione in danger. Danger by association—and he had no idea how to deal with it. No one in his family would be sympathetic or understand in the slightest. His father upheld the pureblood standards of proper behavior and thinking. In no circumstance would he ever be allowed or even dare to mention Hermione's name to his parents. His mother though she might care for him and his well being couldn't and wouldn't be able to do anything to help him. The Malfoy name was already in trouble and Draco knew she wouldn't do anything to lower it even further. Narcissa Malfoy was a proud creature, and like her husband valued pureblood ideology. Draco's childhood wasn't like the stories he heard from his friends. Life at the manor was always formal—and as such Draco had never thought about it as a home. He and his family ate in the formal cathedral ceilinged dining room. He was used to having a house-elf to do the washing, cleaning and cooking. He had rarely saw his parents during the day because his father was always at the ministry. His mother used to take extended vacations, and when she was at the manor, she was shut away in rooms which he wasn't allowed in. Draco knew that his upbringing biased him into thinking certain things and believing them, and it was really just now that he was coming to terms with all of it.
He leaned back on his bed and just tried to stem the flow of thoughts in his head, wondering if he could go to Madame Pomfrey for a dreamless sleep potion or something—anything to get him to not think. After a while, Draco's subconscious seemed to work out a plan for him. He would have to stop seeing Hermione, because if the Dark Lord found out, or if Snape or someone used Legilimecy against him and discovered his secret, she would be in danger. Draco took a breath and rubbed his eyes, willing himself to sleep. Maybe the morning will have the answers, but for now, Draco knew that he couldn't meet Hermione, even though he said that he would. It was for the best, and it just had to be this way.
Draco quickly undressed himself and got into bed. It was still early enough so that none of his other roommates were getting ready for bed. He drew his curtains and waited to fall asleep, knowing the next day would just be as complicated, if not more.
I'm so sorry guys, a lot's been going on, good and bad. I have two internships this summer and just so you know, they're in the good category. I hit a large pot hole in this story, hence the long update gap, but I think I'm back on the road now. Love to hear your feedback and suggestions. I know this chapters on the short side, but I promise the next one will be longer!