Chapter 4. Review if you think I should continue. I think it feels like a good place to leave off, but if you disagree, let me know. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy.

- GGG

"I remember hearing my mother. I remember hearing her words in the voices around me. I remember the way I couldn't hear her saying I was ordinary the deeper I got into the water. The deeper I sank. I pulled my head under, I held my breath. Just for a second. Just for a second, for quiet. Then-God, it was peaceful. I couldn't feel my hands anymore, I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't tell if I was moving or not. It didn't matter. And for a little while, everything was quiet."

Derek squeezed Meredith's hand. He stood up, out of the bath. He wrapped a towel around his waist. He grabbed another clean towel off the hook, opened it up for her. She stood up slowly. He watched her figure stand, he felt the warmth of her body through the towel as he wrapped her up.

They both went back to the bedroom. She pulled her Dartmouth shirt over her head. She pulled one of Derek's flannels over her. It was long enough so she wouldn't have to to fish around to find her yoga pants in the laundry.

He pulled on a pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt. He pulled the Blakey over him, over Meredith. He laid on his side to face her. She laid on her back, staring at the ceiling.

"You told Izzie you saw Denny."

"Yeah," she said softly. "Yeah, I did. He was there. Dylan was there, and Bonnie. Remember her? It was right after the train crash, when you told me you were staying with her. And she just kept bleeding. Nurse Fallon was there. They kept trying to get me to talk about the water. Oh, as Doc was there," she smiled.

"And Denny was telling me how all I would get with you if I stayed there was little moments, seconds, when we were in the same place at the same time. Then everyone was back. I couldn't breathe. We were sitting in the OR, and I couldn't breathe. I was crying, I was thinking about how I'd never see you again. Then I saw her," Meredith's eyes were filled with tears, but none had spilled down her face yet.

"Who?"

"My mother. I saw my mother. She was walking in the hallway. I met her halfway. And she told me I wasn't supposed to be here. She told me I was anything but ordinary. She hugged me, she was crying. But she told me to rub, she told me to go the the end of the hall. And I ran." She turned on her side to face him.

"I don't know if it was real. Maybe it was my own mind, telling me to pull through. Or something else. But that's what I remember." She sighed.

"And then I remember Cristina was there. She told me about her engagement. I remember Izzie and George and Alex came in. I remember hearing them talk around me, falling asleep. Then I was in another room. And then you came." She smiled at him. She tried to read his expression, to see if this had helped at all.

"Did that help? Did it make it worse?"

"No. Meredith, it made it- it made it better. It's fine, I'm fine."

He leaned forward and kissed her softly. Their kids deepened. She settled her hips on his. He ran his fingers through her clean hair. She pulled his sweatshirt over his head, unbuttoned his flannel from around her torso. He lowered his sweatpants down this his mid thigh, he shifted her shirt over her head. She leaned forward and kissed him, he pulled her head strongly towards his own, afraid if he let go for a second, she might slip away.

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"Do you remember the ambulance?" He could feel her head shift on his chest. He could feel her body pressed up against his, relaxed, steady. She turned over, so her chin was resting on his chest. He had one of his arms bent supporting his own head, and one at the base of her neck, traveling from her hair and back.

"No. I don't remember anything until I woke up."

She looked up at him.

"What happened in the ambulance?"

He thought about whether he should reveal the moments that had been graphically haunting him for days, weeks.

"You were blue, cold. I had laid you down on a gurney. I think the paramedic had it in an IV, I don't know, I didn't care. I was waiting for you to wake up. I had started compressions. I breathed again and again for you. I kept waiting for you to sit up. For you to wake up. It was like you had lost all the you there was. You were just like ice. You were ice. You weren't you, you weren't-" He paused.

"What?"

"You weren't alive. For a split second, I thought you were gone. But once we got to the hospital, I ran while they brought you into the ER. I watched them wheel you past the spot where I had told you I wanted to call what we were doing a 'relationship'." He chuckled, seeing how stupid it seemed now. How stupid he was to not tell her. How everything could've been different.

"And Meredith, I- I don't know, I stopped wanting to breathe the second you couldn't breathe on your own."

She propped herself up so she could look at him, straight into his eyes.

"Derek. I don't want to be your everything. I want to be your something, your someone. I don't want you to want to die if I die. I don't want you to depend on me. I love you. I want you. But I can't be with you if I'm afraid to put myself in harms ways because I'm afraid you'll want to die, if something were to happen."

He saw how his words had bestowed all the weight, all the guilt and fear that he had been feeling; it had all been passed on to her, in the form of tears on her face, in her eyes.

"Meredith, but you are my everything. I'm not me if I'm not with you. I get to be hurt and afraid-"

"Derek, you just told me you wanted to die when I died. You didn't say you were scared, or hurt, you said you wanted to stop breathing, to stop living. That's different than love, that's-"

He turned onto his side, as did she. They faced each other.

"I can't promise I'm not going to die. And neither can you." She placed a hand lightly on his cheek.

"I know. I've- I've been going to therapy. It's been helping, I, I think I should keep going. I just need some time. I think we need some time, to stop moving. To just, stay the way we are, for a little bit." He nestled his face closer to her pillow.

"Okay. That sounds good." She said, barely audible.

"Yeah," he said softly. "Good."