27/09/2012 - Thursday

Tori

"Hey girl." I shut my locker and smile at Andre. We're not having classes tomorrow, which means Andre's throwing a house party. "You're coming today, right?"

"You bet." I tell him, and he smiles. I look over his shoulder, and I see him… Beck. I don't want to do this right now. I can't. "I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

I rush the opposite way, and I curse myself. I still don't know what happened yesterday. I was never this impulse, just making out with a guy I practically hated. It was so weird, but so good at the same time. It didn't feel like he was a stranger, except when he saw them…

I shouldn't have let myself go that way.

I walk inside the girl's bathroom, where I know he can't reach me. I go inside a stall, and breathe in deeply over and over. I count my breaths trying to control the rush of emotions coming my way. This is not good.

I take off my jacket, and look down at my wrists. I'm wearing bracelets, and a watch. Anything I can do to hide the cuts. I shouldn't have done it! I shouldn't have! I don't understand why I keep doing this… I always regret it, and it always gets worse!

I look up at the bright light, and taking another deep breath. I start counting them again.

Now I begin the process of walking back out. I stare at the doodled door of the stall, emptying my mind and filling it with the stupid love messages and bad gossip written on it. I take out a mirror from my purse, and look at my own reflection. I smile until I think it's convincing enough.

I hear the bell ring, and I get out. He's not out here, and I thank the hall-monitor for that. I walk to my next class with more ease, since I know he's not on it. I'll at least get an hour without having to run away from him.

Once the final bell rings I make my way to the locker. I leave all the books I don't need, and head to the theater club. And only once that I'm already at the door to the auditorium I realize: Beck's in the club too.

This is ridiculous. I can't put off my entire life just so I won't run into him. If he tries to talk to me, or make fun of me, I'll deny it. I just go hide behind Jade. I'll run away. I'll…

"Welcome students!" Sikowitz yells, and I find a seat next to Cat.

"Robbie is giving me a ride to Andre's, want us to pick you up?" She asks me in a low tone of voice, which is still pretty loud for her.

"Yeah, thanks." I look around, and I spot him.

He's not looking at me, thank god.

We go through the class as always. We do a lot of improv games, all witch I avoid having any interaction with Beck. Sikowitz then tell us to form groups of five with the people we are standing closest to. Thankfully he is not one of them.

Once the time he gave us to figure the scene out is up, we all head back to the stage. "Now, I want one person of each group to switch! And then we will do the scene, and you have to accompany the scene as well as you can. It's the group's job to help the newcomer not seem completely out of place."

Oh no.

He starts switching people. Please don't tell Beck to switch to mine. Please! Please! "Tori!"

"Yes?" I say, scared.

"You go over to Beck's group."

I drag myself to his group, and I'm already suffering. He looks at me as I approach, but I make sure to avoid any type of eye contact.

As Sikowitz finishes switching people, all I can think about is the previous afternoon. Beck who came out of nowhere and yet… How did we end up making out? I don't remember feeling this undeniable attraction towards him, this chemistry. The same one I'm feeling now, even though I'm just standing close to him. This is not good, not good at all.

He tells us to start the scene, and I stand on stage trying to piece things together. Beck stands behind me, and whenever I try to run away he follows my exact move. The other girl on the scene also has a guy following her, witch tranquilizes me.

She starts acting my telling me we have stalkers. And that we need to make them go away. I realize Beck and the other boy are our shadows. I follow the girl's lead throughout the entire scene, and in the end it turns out the boys actually were stalkers, not shadows.

After being Sikowitz student for a while, you learn not to question his creative outlets. I'm just glad the scene didn't involve me being a romantic pair with Beck, which is usually the case. People clap, and we're told we did a great job. For a second I almost forget that he knows about me, about what I do.

I get down from the stage, think it's best to leave now. I need time to prepare for Andre's party, and there's no need for the watch everyone else's scene. I get my things, and sneak out when I know the teacher's not looking.

"Tori!" My body tenses up when hearing my name. "Don't run away from me!"

I stop walking. There's no one on the hallway but us, so I guess it's better to do this now. I turn around, and look at him. "Not here." I say, tilting my head towards the janitor's closet. I hear his footsteps following me, and we both walk inside.

"How are you?" He asks, and I cross my arms.

"Fine, how are you?"

"Confused." He reaches for my shoulder, brushing his hand against it. "Why were you running away from me?"

This is the time when I have to find an excuse, any excuse. I can tell him I have an angry cat, or that I fell while holding scissors. I can tell him whatever I want, he has seen them, he probably won't fall for the lie anyway. "I wasn't."

"Did I do something wrong yesterday? Did I make you do something you didn't want to or-"

I look at him surprised. Why is he not questioning me about my cuts? "No, you didn't do anything wrong!" I raise my hands up to my head, I can't believe he thought it was his fault. "There is nothing wrong about what happened yesterday, don't worry."

"Then I don't get it." He looks genuinely confused, and I'm feeling worse by the second.

"Beck…" I look down, I don't know where to go from here.

"I'm not judging you." He says, tilting my head up. I run away from his gaze. "I just want to talk."

My heart tightens once those words leave his mouth. Is he really offering his time to hear my problems? To actually be a friend, even though we barely know each other?

"Okay, but not today." I feel my hands tremble, and I know I have to leave. "I'll talk to you later, alright?"

"Alright." He says, and I rush out of the closet.

Beck's

I leave the closet with too my thoughts on my mind. I still haven't quite grasped the idea that Tori… That she cuts herself? I don't even know how to handle this correctly. Especially since two days ago I would have said she was the happiest girl on earth, with no worries greater than what clothes she should wear. And now all I want to do is try to help her, even though I barely know her. I should just leave it alone, but if this escalates and something worse happens I would feel very guilty. I shake my head, cursing myself. Why did I have to see it? Why was I even looking at her arms? It doesn't even make sense!

Shit, I really have to talk to her.

If only I had the opportunity! After rehearsals ended I was hoping we would talk but she seemed out of it, I hope she doesn't do it again. I would drop by her house later but I don't know where she lives, and I don't think we're close enough to do that. Just because we made out that doesn't entitle me to barge into her life. But the fact that I saw her cuts must give me at least a little bit of credibility.

"Yo, Beck!" I look back at Andre and he's three friends, Tori's friends. "Party at my house, be there at eight."

Cat hands a pink post-it note. "I wrote the address for you!" She exclaims. "Tori's going to be there."

"Oh." I look at the small girl, wondering if Tori told her about yesterday.

"Move!" Jade yells, and they walk past me.

I guess I have plans for tonight.

Tori

"Stumbling but yeah, you're still looking hella fine

Keep doing what you're doing and I'm a make you mine

Well, you're a hot mess and I'm falling for you"

The music is loud, and his house is dark. I rest my side against the wall, and hold myself up. I can't drink anymore, if I drink more I'll pass out. I push myself away from the wall and keep walking, I need to find my friends. They're usually in the basement but I can't seem to find the door to go downstairs.

"Tori!" I jump, scared, and stumble on my own feet. I loose balance, but someone holds me. I look up, and it's my best friend. "Andre!"

"Come, Cat brought the good stuff." He takes my hand and helps me walk through the crowd. I came to the part with Cat, how did I lose her?!

He finds the door to the basement –I have no idea how it was hidden so well before – and we start walking downstairs. I use both my hands for balance, keeping them on the walls and going down very slowly. Once I reach the last step my friends celebrate my achievement.

I laugh and stumble over to them, until finally sitting down on the floor. Cat's taking a hit from a bong, and Jade's arguing with Robbie over how to roll a blunt. I just laugh, because I have no idea what's going on.

I'm handed the bong, and I take a few hits. My mind dozes off, and I smoke again, until my body feels numb. I feel the ground move beneath me and I'm out for a while, until I hear an argument. I squint my eyes, and I think Robbie tried to kiss Jade, so I start hysterically laughing. Andre pokes me in the arm, and I look at him surprised.

He's holding a container with cookies inside. "Thanks." I say, and he stops my hand halfway. He tells me those are space cookies, and I'm even more confused. I ask him to explain, but all I get is that those will not make me actually go to space. I take one, and eat it fast.

I'm dancing, and I'm back on the ground floor. I don't remember getting here, and I don't care. I move my body along with the rhythm and it feels good. My head spins, and when the songs changes my vibe is over. I feel the room closing up, and the air is getting thicker. I need to leave! I need to get out of this house!

I push people around, and use anything I can for balance. I walk through the front door and look up at the sky, there are no starts. Why aren't there any stars? I take a step, and I'm on the floor. I feel the grass brush against my hands, and try to figure out how I fell down. Man, this is going to hurt tomorrow.

I laugh, this is so confusing.

"Tori?!"

Is someone calling my name? Why does my name sound so funny?! I laugh even harder. T-O-R-I that's sounds so weird! I see someone walking my way, and I raise my head. "Beck!"

"Are you alright?" He offers me his hand, and I take it.

"Couldn't be better!" I throw my arms around his neck, and hug him tight. I feel his body press against mine, and I remember yesterday.

Beck

She hugs me and I hold her, as she takes her feet off the ground. She's shaking, and I wonder what she took to be so hyper. "We made out!" She yells, before bursting into laughter. "Oh."

She pulls away, taking a few steps back. She stumbles on her own feet, and I run to grab her before she could fall again. "Let me take you home." I say, helping her maintain balance.

"I don't wanna!" She argues, and I look at her face. Her eyes are red, and her breath smells strongly of alcohol. She tries breaking away from my grip, and once she fails she lets go of herself.

I bend my knees and have to essentially pick her up, one arm on the back, and the other under her knees. "Tori?"

She closes her eyes, and I'm scared that she passed out. I hope she doesn't overdose. "I'm fine…" She mumbles, resting her head against my chest.

"Let's go." I walk towards my truck, and open the passenger's seat. I place her inside, and buckle her seatbelt. She starts taking to herself, and I go around the car. I drive off before she can think to run away. Once we're far away, and the music has completely faded, I pull over. "Where do you live?" I ask her.

"What?!" She yells.

"Where do you live?!" She looks around the car, with a doubtful expression.

"In my house! Where else would I live?" She bursts out into laughter, and I roll my eyes.

"Can you tell me the address?"

"Yes!" She raises one finger and widens her eyes as if she had just had an epiphany. "It's the big house, with the pretty trees!"

This is going to be tough. I nod my head, trying to think of what to do next. I open my slap page, and send Andre a message asking for her address. I wait for a while, but never get a response. I guess I can either take her back to the party, or take her to my place.

I look over at her, and she has fallen asleep. I shake her to make sure she's not passed out, and she answer me by pushing my hand away. At least I know she's not in such a bad state as I thought.

I take off again, and head straight to my RV. Once I park the car, she wakes up again. I get out, and go over to her side, unbuckling her seatbelt, and helping her out.

"I'm not feeling well." She says, firmly holding my arm. I look down at her, and recognize her expression. No please don't throw up outside.

I pick her up again, afraid that if we keep walking at such slow pace she won't make it to the bathroom. I run inside the RV, carrying her straight to the toilet.

We make it just in time.

I take a hairband from my wrist, and tie her hair up. This way I don't have to stand here and watch her throw up, otherwise I might start throwing up too. I walk out, but leave the door open, just to make sure she doesn't fall or something like that.

I turn on my TV, and take out a water-bottle and chips from the fridge. I then go back to the bathroom, and find her on the floor, next to the toilet seat. "Are you okay?" I ask, and she shrugs. "Here."

I leave the food and water next to her, but she ignores them. Before I tell her to try to at least eat and drink, she starts vomiting again.

This is going to be a long night.

I sit down on the couch, and grab my phone. I should probably text one of her friends telling them that she's here, but I don't know who would be better. I guess Andre would be the best one to text, he seems like the most sane and closest to her.

I tell him where she is and that she's fine, and put the phone back down. She stopped puking. I get up and go to the bathroom again. She has her back against the wall, and her eyes closed. Her eye-makeup has dripped down her eyes, and now she reminds me of a panda. A panda who's heaving a really hard time.

"Tori?" She opens her eyes, and looks up at me confused. "You need to drink some water." I say, motioning to the untouched bottle next to her.

She groans, and I sit down on the floor beside her. I open the bottle for her, and give it to her. She takes it, and takes a very small sip. I notice her shirt is ripped on the right side, and her arm has blood on it. This is so recent it can only be from the fall she had right before I reached her.

I get back up, taking a clean hand-towel, and soaking it with water. I sit back down, and ask her for her arm. I can tell she is apprehensive, but still raises it for me. I hold it with my left hand, and drip water over the wound with the other. Once I clear it up, I realize it's not that bad.

"Thank you." She says, in between sips of water.

I get back up to find a Band-Aid for her, and just as I turn around she starts throwing up again. I have to look away, and think about anything else. But after a while I wonder how can she throw up so much? I glance at her, and realize it is all liquid, and probably all alcohol.

I sit back down, and wait for her to get away from the toilet. It takes a few minutes, but I'm already getting used to the sound of her throwing up. I guess when doctors tell people that you can get used to seeing anything in no more than a few months, they're telling the truth.

She flushes the toilet, and rest back on the wall. "Here." I hand her he band-aid, and she stares down at her arm. She tries stretching the whole on her shirt, but fails.

She grunts, and takes her shirt off.

Don't look. Don't look. Beck, don't look.

I look up and stare at the ceiling. She took her shirt off, she's in her bra. She is her black bra… Look away! I'm now staring down at my own feet, yup I have feet. They're pretty okay feet, and they work just fine.

"It's fine." She says, along with eye-roll. "We've changed in front of each other for plays like… A zillion times."

She raises a good point. I guess the only reason I'm avoiding eye-contact at any cost is because she took her shirt off completely out of the blue. "True." I say, looking back up at her face.

She takes the band-aid, and puts it over her wound. She doesn't hide her arms from me this time. "Do you want to look at them?"

"What?"

She shrugs, putting her arms back down. "I need to shower."

I get up. "Of course." I offer both my hands, and she takes them, getting up. I explain where the towels are, and lend her a clean shirt. She turns on the shower, and I walk out.

The song verse is 'Hot Mess' by Cobra Starship