02/10/2012 - Tuesday

Tori

His bed is very comfortable, way more comfortable than mine. The room is completely dark, I couldn't see my hand if I placed it in front of my eyes. It's not too cold and not too hot, and the music playing is perfect. But the best part, the best part… It's not music, or temperature, or the light, it's him.

And this is the time when I decide to do stuff, and get us both off, but never actually do it. Because as much as I like to think sex is stupid, and that there is no reason for people to put such importance to it, I still worry. I worry that it will change me, or that it will hurt a lot. The fact that I even worry about the pain is even stupider, because I doubt it hurts more than what I do to myself. I'm on birth control and even though he tested negative for everything I still worry about disease, or pregnancy. But I don't worry enough to stop myself anymore. It is no coincidence that I made sure to wear nice underwear, and waxed only a couple of days ago. I want to, I want to have sex with him. I want it more than anything right now.

I don't think he's going to leave if we do it, I really don't. I hope he doesn't.

He's kissing my neck, and I pull up his head back towards my face. He comes down to kiss me, and I almost forget saying what I need to say. "Wait, Beck."

He instantly pulls away. "Do you want me to stop?" He asks, and I nod.

"No, I want to do it."

He smiles, which makes me smile too. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." We kiss, it's a great kiss, just like all of them. And as much as I change my mind about most things five thousand times a day, I know this is not one of them.

I don't know how much time it passes between foreplay and when he pulls away to get the condom. Although I do know that I can feel my blood pumping, and this rush. It's similar to adrenaline, but better, so much better.

Beck

It's not like I'm the most experienced guy in the world, but I do know what's bad sex and good sex. And I know a first time with someone is always the worst. But this felt very different than any other time, better. Like… Like it wasn't just sex? Does that even make sense?

I lay down in my bed waiting for her to come out of the bathroom, and see how she's doing. I don't really know how to proceed in this situation, I've never been with a girl I actually liked. It's always a friend of a friend who I see for a couple of weeks, and then never talk to again. But I don't want to stop talking to Tori, I… I'm so confused about all of this.

My stomach growls, and I wonder how long has it been since I last ate.

I grab my phone from the pile of suitcases I keep behind my bed, and check the time. Its half past nine, and we haven't had dinner yet. I have some leftovers in the fridge, but not enough for both of us. I should order us some food. I should also try to stop thinking about food on every second of the day.

She opens the bathroom door, and the light invades my RV. I squint my eyes, and she turns off the light. Better. She sits down on the bed beside me and I light her with my phone, taking her hand. "Is everything alright?" I ask.

"Of course." She says, with a smile easing my feelings. She lies down, her head under my chin and on my chest. I like this, the after. I've never really had the after before.

"How bad did it hurt?" I ask, because I want to know if I caused her pain. I know it's supposed to hurt, and bleed.

"A little in the beginning, nothing I couldn't handle." She raises herself, and looks down at me. "The more we do it, the more I'll enjoy it."

"I can oblige to that." She leans in and I kiss her, until a growling noise takes over. I pull away, holding my laugh. "What was that?"

She chuckles. "My stomach, the third wheel." She lifts her head, and her hair falls over my face. "I'm so hungry."

Finally! I hate having to interrupt things when I'm the only one that's hungry.

"Do you wanna order or…"

"Let's go out! I'm in the mood for drive through."

She rolls to the side, and I sit up, lighting my phone again. "Mood for a drive through?"

She shrugs. "Yes, Beck, I want the drive through experience."

"You are so weird." I tell her, as she walks towards the bathroom.

"You know you love it." She smiles, and I nod with a smirk.

I do.

I sit up myself, and get up to get dressed. It's strange, I'm so happy I'm not even that hungry.

"Tori?"

I hear the flush, followed by the faucet. She opens the door, and stands by it, looking at me. She's only half-lit by the bathroom light, her hair is messy and she carries an easy smile. I want to see her like that again, every day. And not just to have sex, which is so strange.

Oh no.

"What?" She says, and I have no idea what I was going to say.

"Nothing." She goes inside the bathroom again, and I follow her. She has her makeup bag on the sink, and a brush in her hands. I lean against the wall, as she starts putting on makeup. "Do you feel weird?"

She turns to me, a concerned expression. "About having sex?"

I should just stop now.

"No, about…" I nod my head. "I don't know."

"Do you feel weird?" She asks me, and I want to say that I don't but that wouldn't be true. I feel weird, good weird, but… Weird.

I reach for her hand, and pull her towards me. She's smiling as I kiss her, I love it when she smiles. I love everything about her.

3/10/2012 – Wednesday

Tori

I quickly glance down at my phone to check the time, only five minutes until the bell rings and classes are done for the day. We've been listening to Sikowitz's speech about the project for ten minutes now. He keeps giving us examples, and tips but I'm just bored out of my mind. I haven't even started to think about what Beck and I are doing for this project and his tips are not going to help. All I can think about right now is Beck, and how all I want to do is go back to his RV and have sex. So much sex. Which I can't even do because I told my friends I would hang out with them after class. That sucks, because all I actually want to do is have sex with Beck.

It's strange that I want to do it so badly, since the actual "sex" part wasn't even great. The first time was alright, and the second time was good. Although he always makes sure that I'm taken care of. Beck. Beck. Beck. Beck. That's all I can think about. Him with me, in his bed, in the shower, in his car. All I want to do is be so close to him again that nothing else matters. And I've come to terms that I like, like really like him. Because that's only logical explanation, even though being in… Liking someone this much after only a few days is not logical. But I do, so much, and I know it's bad. I shouldn't get this attached to anyone. And I can't even blame it on hormones, and say that I only have these feelings because he was my first, I knew it way before last night. It just became clear enough that I have to accept it. When this is over, it's going to hurt.

I only notice the bells ringing because I see everyone getting up. I gather my things, and see Beck by door. He has his backpack strapped over one shoulder, and an easy disposition. I walk towards him, and reach for his hand.

"So, we have one month to do the project." He tells me.

"Shh!" I say. "He might hear you and start talking about it again."

He chuckles, and we walk outside the classroom. My friends are all by Andre's locker, probably waiting for me. "Are you coming over tonight?"

"Depending on when I leave Andre's, I don't how late I'm going to be there for."

"You can always sleep over."

"I've been basically living in your house, if I actually sleep over I will actually be living there." He laughs. "I don't want to be a burden."

"You're never a burden."

We kiss goodbye, and I think it's been settled that I'm sleeping over tonight. I have to say I'm really glad he doesn't live under the same roof as his parents otherwise I would be very uncomfortable to go there every single day.

We part our ways. He goes out the back door that leads to the parking lot, and I join my friends.

"I can't believe this!" Jade exclaims. "Guys do you see that?! Tori's mouth is actually not glued to Beck's! It's a miracle!"

They laugh, and I roll my eyes. "Funny." I tell her, even though she's not making an off point. I have seen them a lot less than usual this past week, and I'm going to try and make that better – or at least less evident. "So where are we headed?"

"Mi casa." Andre says. "Grandma's having a spa day with her friend Mirtle."

"That's nice." I tell him, even though we both know she's not actually at a spa.

"You go Mrs. Harris." Robbie says. "She's probably doing it with Mirtle."

Andre frowns, hitting Robbie in the arm. "What's wrong with you?!" Cat and Jade laugh, and André closes his locker. "Alright, let's go."

We go on two separate cars. Cat went in Jade's cars, and Robbie and I on Andre's. The music is loud and we are singing it. The greatest part about being in an all-arts school? All of your friends can harmonize, so singing in groups is always great.

Half an hour later we arrive. He parks his house as we walk up to his door, Cat and Jade are already there, waiting. We go inside and everyone acts as if they were in their own home. As always, Cat sets up the bar and asks everyone want they want to drink this time. We are forever thankful to her brother for giving such amazing bartending – and drug enabling – skills. Jade puts on the music, while Robbie and I take out the food we brought. I brought a couple of bags of chips, and a cookies. He brought popcorn, and jellybeans.

"Here we go!" Cat announces, with a margarita in her hands. We all reach for our cups, and I take the bottle she brought with the mix to the center table we're closer to.

"I feel like getting drunk today." Jade says. "Let's play a game."

"I love games!" Cat exclaims. "Let me get the shot cups." We all sit down on the floor, around the table. Our tiny redhead friend grabs the bottle of tequila she used for the margaritas, and the tiny red cups. "What should we play?!"

"We could do that rhyming game." Robbie suggests, and I take a big sip off my drink.

"Oh, damn!" Andre exclaims. "I have this app! It's for drinking with like a roulette and shit."

He takes out his phone and places it on the table. It's a wheel with a bunch of options, all of which end up in drinking. Amazing. "I'll go first!" I say and I spin it. It's rolls for a couple of seconds, and it finally stops on categories.

"Cool, okay." Andre says. "So you gotta choose something, like pop songs, and we all have to say one. The person who gets it wrong, takes a shot."

Okay… After I speak the next person would be Jade… How can I get her to take a shot?

"Got it!" I say. "Types of mustard."

She grunts. "Not fair Vega! You know I hate mustard!"

I shrug. "I hate the show Glee and I still know more than one character."

She crosses her arms, annoyed. I love it. "Oh, I got one!" Robbie says.

"Tori, you start." Andre indicates, and I take another sip before speaking.

"Dijon mustard. Jade?"

She nods her head, pouring herself a shot. "I hate you." She drinks it, and takes the phone. She spins it and… "Never have I ever." She smiles deviously.

We all love this game. It's basically a time for everyone to tell everyone's secrets and force them to shamefully take a shot. We all raise are hands to the table, each finger counts for a point. Cat is the one who usually loses, but Jade is looking at me with deadly eyes.

I finish my glass and pour myself another one, realizing the mix bottle is almost empty. How can my friends drink this fast I do not know.

"Let's go Jade!" Robbie insists, holding up his ten fingers in emphasis.

"Fine." She says. "Never have I ever passed out in a pear suit after making out with a fourteen-year-old."

All of us – but Robbie – burst into laughter as he takes a shot. Cat smiles looking at us, and we wait for her to speak. "Okaayy… Never have I ever had a girl pretend she was pregnant with my baby even though we had never had sex."

"Damn!" Robbie exclaims, as Andre shakes his head.

"Can't you forget about Sherry?! She was crazy!"

"Drink!" We all tell André in unison, and he takes a shot.

"All of you fill up, because you're all taking a shot." Robbie warns. "Alright…" He takes a shot himself, and lazily laughs before directing his attention towards us. "Never Have I ever had sex in the past four months."

"What?!" Andre yells.

"LIAR! LIAR! TAKE A SHOT!" Jade yells too.

Cat nods her head, looking at him. "I'm very confused."

He shrugs filling up his shot-cup again. "What?!"

I take another big gulp of my margarita, as I watch them attack Robbie. And I can't believe I can't believe I forgot how much fun my friends could be.

"You were dating that weird girl that was all over you!" Andre says.

Jade rolls her eyes, pushing the tequila bottle towards him. "And she looked like a horn-dog." She grunts. "Urgh, I hated her."

"We didn't have sex!" He drinks, and his face is getting red. "This round isn't even about me! You guys should be the ones who are taking shots!"

They all stare at Robbie, and no one takes a shot. Jade looks at him, pissed.

"That's such a stupid one, Robbie. Who do you think you're playing with?!"

"You guys are calling me liars?! I can't believe any of you have been celibate for the last four months."

"I have been celibate for seventeen years." Jade says, finish her margarita.

"And I haven't had sex since last summer break." Andre tells him.

"I haven't made love in a long time either." Cats states, with quite a sad face.

"Well, Tori?" Everyone looks at me, as I'm caught completely off guard.

My last relationship was over six months ago, and ever since then I just ignored the question. It's funny that now that I'm not lying, I don't even realize that I actually have to drink.

"Right!" I say, and I take a shot. It burns down my throat, but the reward is instant.

"That was fast." Jade says, with her classic judging look.

"Don't!" Cat exclaims. "I need details."

I stutter. While my Goth friend looks incredibly bored on the outside, her eyes give her away, and I can tell she's very curious. And her opposite looks like she's about to know whether or not Aliens are actually real. I then glance over at my guy-friends, hoping that they look bored and ready to move on.

Needless to say they weren't.

"Tori I need details." Robbie says. "The guys looks perfect, you have to tell me if he's ACTUALLY-"

"Ew!" Jade pushed him, and he falls back on the floor. "Don't talk about Beck Oliver's thing."

"At least now we know why miss underworld is a virgin." Robbie points out, as he slowly gets back up, only to be pushed down again.

"C'mon Andre's your turn." He's looking at me, trying to see whether or not I'm lying. "Let me think…"

A few shots later and another bottle of margarita mix, we have all forgotten about the game. We're just talking and laughing, I don't really know about what. I think Cat and Andre are talking about a movie, and Jade and Robbie are talking about sushi, but all together. And at some point Cat kissed Andre, and the Jade. And then Robbie cried. I really love my friends.

I take another shot. "Bathroom break!" I say, pulling myself up from the floor. The entire world spins, and use my friend's heads not to fall. They're laughing and I'm laughing. Everything is distorter as I walk to the bathroom completely leaning against the walls. Once I'm inside I do my business, and wash my hands. I stare at my reflection. It spins, and I'm somewhat blurry.

I look different. I look happy. I… I…

I walk back to the living room, and sit down on the couch instead of the floor. I curl up in the corner watching them yell over each other, and laugh. I love my friends, I do. But…

"Tori?" Andre says, and I realize he's beside me. "What's going on?"

I hiccup, and it dawns on me that I'm crying. I'm crying so much it is strange that I'm not locked up in a bathroom with a blade in my hands.

"Beck." I say, only crying harder.

"What?!" Andre says. "Did he do something to you?!"

"What?!" Robbie and Jade both say.

"I'll kill him for you!" She insists, and it only makes me cry more.

"I love you guys." I say, pulling Andre into a hug, and raising my hand up to Cat's shoulder.

"Then why are you crying?" Cats asks.

I love them, I do. But I don't want to talk to this in front of all of them. It's stupid, I know, but I already feel vulnerable. I just want to cry, even though I'm already sobbing.

"No…No…" I get back up, but I don't let go of Andre's arm. "I-I'm fine."

I walk to the kitchen, still holding Andre by his arm, and even though it seems impossible crying even more. I still down on the floor, resting my back against the counter, and he sits beside me.

"Baby girl, what is it?"

I look at my best friend. "It's not going to end well." I say stuttering between my hiccups. "Not at all."

"You and Be-"

"Don't say his name!" I insist, and he stops himself. His name feels like a trigger, and I really want to calm down. "He didn't do anything to me that I didn't want him to."

"Okay…"

"B-But…" He puts his arm around me, I lay my head on his shoulder. I stare down at the floor tiles, maybe if I focus on them I won't cry much harder when I say it. "Andre, I-I…" It is clear that my tactics are not going to work. "I love him."

He lets out a relived sigh, and holds me closer. "Tori, that's a good thing."

I sit back up, my vision completely impaired because of the water. "No it's not! I'm attached! I shouldn't be attached! It's going to be bad when its… So bad… I don't know how I'm going to handle it…"

"Then stop thinking about it." He gets up slowly, and when he sits back down he hands me a water bottle and a fruit roll-up. "Don't think about the end, nothing good ever comes out of it."

I cry. "But…"

"No buts!" He says. "Don't…" Oh no. I get up as quickly as I can, and throw up in his sink.

I hear footsteps. "First one down!" Jade yells. "You all owe me ten bucks."

PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW IT MEANS A LOT

- KIRIBATI