6/10/2012 – Saturday

Beck

"Okay…" Jade says, blowing out smoke and passing a joint to Robbie. "This stuff is good. Your brother is a genius, Cat."

The small girl giggles, drinking straight out of a vodka bottle. As always, we are at Andre's house. I don't know what kind of life his grandmother leads, but she's never home. I hope to have as an existing life as she does when I'm that old, and give my grandkids a place to do whatever they want. Solidarity, you know?

I have my back against the couch, and Tori's head on my lap. She has her eyes closed, but a smile on her face. It's moments like these that really make me think she is happy, that when we met she was just having a really bad and singular episode. I lean down and kiss her. I feel her tiny hands on my face. "I love you." I whisper, and she says the same words to me.

This all feels like I'm living the most cliché life, and the worst part is that it doesn't even bother me. I don't need to be different to feel better about myself, I don't need to go out of my way to try and lead a different lifestyle. All I need is her.

I lift my head back up, and Cat offers me the blunt. I take a few hits, and pass it on. She sits back up, and leans her head against my chest. "Let's go home." She says.

"Yours or mine?" I ask, taking out my phone to order a taxi.

"I wish we had an 'our'." She said quietly, and I kiss the top of her head.

"Me too." She gets up from the floor, and offers me her hand.

I get on my feet, but don't let go of her. "Bye guys." She says, leading me outside of the house. "Let's just walk to my place." The wind is chilly and nice, it reminds me of home. Though Vancouver feels a lot less like my home since I've met her. "I'm drunk." She tells me, squeezing my hand harder.

"You're drunk, and I'm high."

"We're a perfect match." It doesn't make any sense, but it makes us both laugh.

We walk uphill in silence for a few minutes, her fingers griping mine firmly. I know I'm young, and I know my hormones are supposed to be insane, but I refuse to believe what we have is momentary. I love her, I love her more than I ever thought I could love anything. And even in my own head that sounds predictable but it's true. I would give up anything to be with her like this, to have her by my side. I almost want to give up going to university in Canada, even though I'm already in and it's too late to apply to schools here in the LA. But my parent would kill me if I lost that opportunity, I just don't know how I'm going to tell her that I'm leaving next year.

I look down, tears are rolling down her eyes. Shit. "Tori?" She stops walking, but keeps looking straight ahead. "Tor?"

She doesn't respond, she's standing there and she's breathing, but she doesn't respond. I raise my hands to her shoulders, stroking her arms. She nods her head, more tears run down her cheeks. I don't understand what's happening. She opens her mouth, and gasps. "What happened?" I ask, and she nods.

I embrace her, because I don't know what else to do. I can handle drunk, I can handle passed out, but I don't know what this means. It's… It's scary. She cries louder now, pressing her face against my chest, her arms crossed and her back hunched. I can see goosebumps on her skin, and I still don't know what to do. "I love you, I'm sorry." She says, finally pulling away. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." I look at her, but her eyes run away from mine.

"I'm… It doesn't matter." She starts walking again, her arms still crossed. "Let's just go." I follow behind her in complete silence, and that's how we stay until we reach the front of her house. "Shit…" Her voice cracks, and I think she's going to cry again but she doesn't.

There's a car parked in the patio, and I can only guess it's her parents, which means our current sleeping arrangement is over. Fuck, I don't want her to go back to sneaking out every night. I hold her arm and pull her towards me. She takes a very deep breath, while staring at the front of her house.

"Trina's home."

"Oh."

If she was crying because somehow she anticipated her sister's arrival, I completely understand her. Trina is awful, completely and utterly bad. She has no self-awareness, and no consideration for other people. To this day I still wonder how she went to our school, since she had absolutely no talent. She's a couple years older than us, but even on separate grades her behavior was torturous. She often cursed at teachers, tried to get people from the cleaning staff fired, and just… Just created chaos. Those were the only times I actually sympathized with Tori, I was pitied her for having such a sister.

"Do you still want to come in? Because I don't."

"We can always go back to my place." She nods, and with somewhat relief I grab my phone to call us a taxi. I'm too high to deal with the older Vega.

"Thank you." She says, kissing me briefly. "I'm too much of a mess to deal-"

"I can't believe it!" Oh Shit. "My baby sister sucking face with Beck Oliver!"

I let out a very disappointed sigh, and put my phone back in my pocket. "Hey, Trina."

I say, still looking down at Tori who hasn't yet faced her. She closes her eyes for a second, and smiles before turning around.

"Trina!" Her voice completely changed, it went from deep and sad to… normal, almost happy. If I hadn't been with her just a few seconds ago, I would never know that this was fake. "Why are you home?"

"Why wouldn't I be?!" She opens the door and tilts her head for us to walk in. And I now realize she's wearing a shiny ball-gown. Tori walks towards her, and I follow. "Mom asked me to come home, she wanted her favorite daughter here to cheer her up." Tori frowns, and I close the door behind us. "And I'm glad I came, how come she didn't tell me about the two of you?" She laughs, and for some reason it really bothers me.

"Mom?" Tori asks, and I realize this situation is about to get worse.

"Tori!"

"Shit." Tori says, and Trina widens her eyes. "Mom!"

Holly Vega is… An older version of her first daughter. So much so that they are wearing the same shiny gown. They have the same hairstyle, and they look awfully alike.

Shit, I'm high. I'm going to meet Tori's mom high, shit! And she's drunk, shit! So much for making a decent impression on them… Shit, her father's a cop! Shit! Fuck! I can't panic right now, otherwise it will be even worse. Fuck!

"Hey, honey." She appears on the top of the stairs, and I think she's staring at me. Why is she staring at me? "Who's the guy?"

"He's Beck." Tori says, and I can't stop thinking about my red eyes and the two shiny twins who are staring at me.

"They were making out outside."

I think all the love that I feel for Tori equivalent to the hate I feel for Trina.

"Good think your Dad's not home! He's a cop, he's just awful." She stands next to Trina, and it's tripping me out. I don't like this. "Are you two really going to just stand there silent because you got caught?" She laughs, and I open a completely artificial smile.

"We have a lot of work to do." Tori says, walking away from them and closer to the staircase. "Can we talk later?"

Her Mom doesn't answer, I think she too is distracted by her dress. Tori doesn't seem to affected by it, so she grabs my wrist and we start going upstairs.

"Don't forget the open door policy!"

Trina yells, but is completely ignored. We get to the second story, and I already feel better. She pushes me inside her room, and quickly locks the door. "Shit! Shit!" Tori says, turning on the lights. "Shit!"

I hear a few knocks on the door. "Tori, would you come downstairs?!"

It's her Mother, and I just stare at Tor trying to see if she knows what it means.

"Give me five minutes!" Tori yells, rushing to the bathroom and kneeling before the toilet. I know this is her way of sobering up really fast, but I don't want to witness it. I take off my shoes, and sit down at her bed, watching her from afar.

"Are you okay?" I ask, as she coughs.

"Just need to be sober before going down there."

Tori

I leave Beck in my room and walk downstairs trying to play it as cool as possible. Why the fuck is Mother home, and why did she bring Trina with her?!

"Good, you're here." I roll my eyes at the two of them, in those awful pageant dresses. Long and sequined all the way through, in a yellow tone that is way too bright. "Sit down with us for second."

I meet them at the kitchen table. I just have to remember, the least I say the better. They will use whatever they have against me, and I don't need to give them more material. "Where's Dad?"

She rolls her eyes. "Tennessee, with his redneck friends."

"Beck Oliver…" Trina says. "How did you pull that off?"

"Trina…" I raise my hands to my face.

"I'm just saying, between you and me I'm a ten and you're a seven. Why wouldn't he be with the better Vega?"
"Trina, don't." My mother interrupts, and I can't believe she's actually going to defend me. "He's two years younger than you, you can find better."

Oh.

"Tori, honey, do you really think it's a good idea for you to be dating?" I glance at her, not believing she's actually saying this. "I mean, you're already so distracted and… You've lost your focus, and I don't think he's going to help with that."

"Focus?" I ask, because I'm honestly completely lost. She doesn't know anything about what I should or shouldn't focus on, or any aspect of my life for that matter.

"Yes, your focus on being an actress." I cringe, because I don't want to be an actress, I want to be singer.

I look back down, trying to think of all the ways I can avoid this ending in a fight. I've been having a really good day – except for the one panic attack which I'm used to - and I really didn't want it to end badly. Although whenever I talk to my parents it mostly likely goes one of two ways: We fight and I end up in my room doing something stupid, or we don't fight but I end up in my room doing something stupid anyways. "I red about this theater camp on the paper today, and they needed some counselors."

I nod. "Okay."

"Are you doing anything this next summer? You should apply."

"I'll check it out."

"Yeah, right." Trina says, and I know that now I'm screwed over. My Mom will take her words as if they were mine.

"Tori, you're not planning on sticking to your unproductive routine this summer, are you?"

I don't answer.

"Tori?" I stare at her, trying to think of what to say.

I could lie and say that I already have plans to work or do some sort of internship, because that would probably get her off my back. I could also say that I want to take my time this summer to be with my friends and Beck before we all go to college. I could also just tell her the truth: How can I apply to something, or make plans, if I don't even know whether or not I'm going to be alive tomorrow?

I see nothing ahead, there is no perspective for anything productive or that matters. I don't care enough about anything to make me truly happy, therefore she will never get the reaction she wants out of me. A 'Trina' reaction, where I'm screaming out of joy and telling the world about my doings. I'm always going to end up in the same place, in a dark room with a blade between my fingers.

"I don't know, Mom." I tell her.

"You better figure it out, because I don't want you sitting at home all day with him."

I wonder what Trina must have said to her on the five minutes that we were apart, because as far as she knows I could have met him today, and not even know his last name. But somehow she already thinks I would be willing to drop everything and everyone to be with him.

Maybe she's not so wrong for once.

"I know, Mom."

"Your sister is always off doing projects in her university and travelling with her friends. You should do that, experience some culture."

"Okay, Mom."

She rolls her eyes. "Don't 'okay Mom' me." I look away, I hate this. I hate this talk, I hate that I know what's about to come. "Say something! Don't be so indifferent! You're just like father, did you know that?!"

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. "Mom…"

"You never tell me anything! You're always quiet and I can't stand it! Tell me what's on your mind, do you want to travel? Learn Spanish? Go to theater camp?! Just say something!"

"I don't know what to say!" I finally tell her, my tone more aggressive than I hoped, because she's now going to use it as fuel for more yelling. I hate this. I hate this so much.

"Don't get angry at me! I'm just asking what you want to do! I don't understand why you get so mad at me! I honestly don't know how to behave around you! You can't be this fragile, Tori!"

I look at her, and I know that if I say anything I'm going to cry. My throat is tense and my eyes are shaking. I cannot give her the privilege of seeing me cry, of thinking that she is right when she says I'm fragile. Of thinking my crying is a result of this fight, instead of years of arguments all stuck in my memory.

I turn around and run upstairs. I can hear her grunting loudly, probably wanting me to hear it. I hear Trina saying something bad, most likely about me. I shut and lock my bedroom door, and get caught off guard when I realize he's here. I look at him, his eyes are closed. His breathing is slow, and he doesn't not seem to realize I'm here. He's asleep, and I know he's a very heavy sleeper so it's almost as if I were alone.

I turn off the lights and sit on the edge of my bed, now in the dark I can go back to my self-loathing. To thinking about the words my Mother always tells me, over and over again. But the worst part is not that she repeats them, it's that I don't deserve them. I don't deserve all the opportunities my Mother is offering me. She deserved a better daughter, who would reach full potential with all of that offered, not someone who thinks about dying all day. Not someone who can't see past tomorrow.

Feeling sad isn't simply emotional. It takes a toll on all of your being, it slowly takes away all good that's left. The symptoms are so familiar they're now more comfortable than questionable. Once they come I learn to embrace them, because fighting never works. Fighting produces false hope, and a deeper fall.

The cold is the first sign. I could be on the beach, in the middle of the summer and it wouldn't matter. If I'm sad I'm cold, and it feels like a fever. I'm shivering like I'm in the dead of winter. I keep shaking, but I'm afraid if I grasp for the covers he might wake up. So I start to cry. I cry while hurting about everything wrong that has ever happened to me. All the guys who used me, the words that left Trina's mouth, and the way my father looked at me the day he realized I was not happy anymore. The way he realized it, and walked way pretending he hadn't seen it, instead of asking me why. I cry thinking about why nobody ever asks why, nobody asks why. Nobody cares enough to ask why.

Nobody but Beck, but he's the unfortunate soul that I managed to drag down with me. He's the one who has to stand me in my worse. He's the one who loves me even though I don't love myself. He's just a victim.

Somehow I find my way to the top drawer of my nightstand. Somehow I end up in the bathroom. I don't really know why, or how it happened this fast. It usually doesn't happen this fast. I am usually more aware, more conscious about my actions, more awake. I'm usually… I'm usually… I'm...

"Tor?"

I'm usually alone.

I look down. There's blood dripping down my left wrist.

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