Tori's POV

I open my eyes, and look at the clock, it's six AM, as always. I take a deep breath and check my phone just by habit, no new messages; and its Christmas Eve. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year…and I feel nothing. I look at my nightstand and pick up the blade from the usual spot, he should be getting in the plane any time now and…and…

I can't function anymore. I breathe out and clench my fists, I have to control myself. I knew this would happen, you knew as soon as you were left alone you wouldn't have any distractions and that you were going to shift back, but it's much worse than I thought, I had some hope, I always do. For a few minutes I actually believed that I wasn't going to shift again, at least not like this.

I run the blade over my thigh a couple of times and shrug.

I always thought sleeping was nice because I wasn't actually dead, but I wasn't awake so it was a win-win situation, but I've always been a bad sleeper, I don't have insomnia or anything like that, but I don't sleep much, I don't get to have the eight hours of peace that is recommended; maybe that's where my problem starts, I get no sleep, so I think, and I think about myself and my life and than I feel empty. Empty because everything is uncertain and in the end I'll be left alone. But Beck showed up and all of it changed, being alone isn't an excuse for me to feel empty anymore because I'm not alone. But if I'm not alone, why am I feeling like this?

I roll down to my stomach so the tears will fall on the bed, not on my face. And as I feel myself shake I curl up in ball, and hold myself "I'm not here this isn't happening" my breath shakes as I whisper to myself "I'm not here this isn't happening" I let go of my legs and knock my head against the wall, maybe if I feel the pain nearest to where I form my thoughts my body will have to focus on the pain, not the emptiness, and won't be able to form the anymore.

Beck, I should focus on him. He's my happy place, his hands tracing my body… and the five days I'm going to spend alone "Fuck!" I knock my head against the wall again and start breath faster, too fast and I feel everything, my heartbeat, the light coming from the window, my hair falling down my shoulders, the air coming out of my nose; Even when I blink I feel it and it's heavy and it's too much. "I'm not here this isn't happening" I whisper again, and I'm going to keep saying that to myself until it stops. It has to stop.

I was so happy when I was with him, the happiest I've ever been in my whole life as far as I can remember. And everyone at school is so nice and I love my friends, I love Cat and André and at times I even love Robbie and Jade. But not like I love Beck, I see Beck and I stop thinking and it's so good, I feel complete, and I don't know how can I go from that person to this one. How can I go from laughing enjoying myself in the garden, laughing at lunch to this depressed, pathetic person?

How can I perform, singing about a girl that found true love and ignored all other problems she might have because if she found love she didn't have to have anything else; To a complete lost person even though, in real life I have true love to myself. That should do it, love. People seek it everywhere, humans depend on love and those who can't feel it are called 'sociopaths', 'psychopaths' even. And in every single movie, book, magazine, since we're little we are taught that love would solve all the problems, and once you found it everything would be different, that all the other things would seem little and that it'd be okay.

Is it that bad that I don't feel that way?

I'm just going to let everyone down, Beck mostly. I was doing well, I can't afford breaking down like this, he'll be disappointed and he won't love me anymore or worse. That's why love sucks, because if I slip away and become this emotional mess again, the one that I was before I knew him, everything will go downhill. I can't let him become sad because of me I can't…I can't… it's not fair!

I get up and start to jump up and down to try and warm my body, and stop the shivering even thought I know it's not going to work. I need to take one of my Mom's pills, one will do, and than I'm going to calm down and his flight will land and he's going to tell me he loves me and I'll calm down. That's what's going to happen "ok?" I say "ok" I answer; saying it out loud helps me believe it, at least most of the times.

I go downstairs and the living room is empty and clean, Trina hired the cleaning company to stay here right after the party ended and only leave when it was just like the way they left it before the party. And it is; there are no teens left around, no cups and no Panda. Just she and I, now, where are the pills?

I look for them everywhere, and nothing. My mom must have taken them with her…damn…oh god no… The tears stream down my face nonstop now, I should take a shower…and than I'll do a few small ones on my stomach, maybe one in my wrist and it'll be fine, I'll just make myself believe that, yeah.

I turn on the cold water and it hits me like black wave, and the walls start to close up, and I can't breathe. I'm scratching my arms, and I can't stop, I can't stop thinking anymore…I need to do it there's no other way, I managed to put them away for as long as I could but they're rushing back and it feels like I'm in a hallway and the darkness is following me, and I run but it's catching up and I see the end of it coming, and I know I can't survive the darkness this time, I'm going to hit the wall.

I have two options, "enough with the bullshit" I turn off the water and hop out grabbing a towel. I sit back down in my bed and grab my blade again, sliding it deeper on my stomach.

The first one is to keep feeling this, and cut and cry until I'm too emotionally exhausted to be awake. And than do it again tomorrow, and the day after that and soon there won't be any space on my skin left and I'll have to cut in more exposed places, and people will notice; And I'll stop being the happy girl to being the screw up. The one that people stare at the hallways, and point, whispering things and spreading rumors.

And than I have the selfish, easy way; I can end all of this, and solve everyone's problems. I'm a waste of space and energy to everyone, my parents spend all this money with me, food and clothes and I don't even appreciate any of it, and Beck…he'll never see me as happy as I was last week and I don't want to be a bourdon to him, he'll worry that I'm sad and he'll become sad too, I can't do that to him I just can't. And the only other way for him to not get sad is for him to break up with me, when he sees how I truly am, the sick girl that can't be fixed, and I won't take it and will probably end up in the same situation I am now. I can't screw things up anymore; I can leave this place knowing that I did my best, and leaving the best impressions I could.

I get out of my room, Trina's not going to wake up any time soon and my parent's flight will only arrive at noon, they'll come home and find me on the floor, my body will be cold and they'll cry, and ask what they did wrong and they'll cry even more, my Dad will be heartbroken and my Mom will tell Trina to stay at home for a few days with her, and they'll spend the rest of their lives thinking about me. In parties people will gossip about the family that had a daughter that killed herself 'such a bright future the poor little thing could've had' they'll say, and point at them; If I choose the easy way, I would be changing their lives forever, and that would be selfish.

But I can't put everyone in front of me anymore. I need to do this for myself, just this time.

I grab a pen and paper, I need to leave a note to Beck, he's really the only one who deserves it, but I'll just write it later; I go downstairs, leave it on the kitchen table and plug my Pearpod to the radio, and put on the song where everything started. When I first realized that there was something more to him than the mysterious 'Judd Nelson' look and that we just might hit it off, and when I started living, the two weeks where I actually felt alive for the first time in a long, long time. Even though I can't feel anymore dead than I already am in this moment. And I know that deep down, I knew this was coming, weather I met him or not, weather I had had the best week of my life or not, this is my time I just know it.

''I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand'

'I felt the earth beneath my own feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete''

I sing along to the lyrics and walk to the kitchen, I need the sharpest one, I want to make this quick. I choose the one my mom uses to cut ham. My heart tightens and put it over my wrist, I'll do the right one first;

"Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"

The tears start pouring down my eyes and I hold the knife still as I let the feelings rush back all at once. It's like I'm here, but I'm not, like I belong somewhere but in reality I don't. And I never will because …because it's not meant for me to. I can't be happy for long and I already had my share, I was happier than I ever thought I'd be and it's not worth it anymore. The bad feelings won again and this time, this time I'm giving in. Everyone has a purpose in life, and mine is to die. I was born to die.

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

I slash it in my right wrist letting a small moan of relieve and quickly slash another on my left, deeper than ever before and the blood starts pour instantly, falling to my knees already feeling dizzy, I stare at floor and see my blood rushing on it, and everything starts to get blurry "peace…at…last…"; Stephen King once said, 'Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us. And sometimes they win' and that's it. They won, I can no longer fight them.

I breath in sliding down on the floor, picturing his touch, his face, his voice telling me he loves me, our nights toget…oh no! I forgot about his letter! I didn't write anything, no final words! This is bad…I need to do something…I can't go this way…I can't…

I try to sit up but I'm not strong enough, I start to cry harder than I ever did before and crawl to the dinner table, I need to write it! He needs to have this before I go! I reach the table and kick it flipping it over with all the strength I have left, my head hurts a lot now and I can't feel my left arm, but I need to write it, he needs this, I need this! I grab the paper getting blood all over it, but leaving a small part of it clean, and start to right the final letter with a loose handwriting, and listening to the song one last time right before the pen falls from my hand, and I can only stare at floor.

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
so why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere onl

Beck's POV

I breathe in the Canadian air, leaving all my stuff at my room in my Grandma's house. I swear it smells differently here than in LA, especially inside the living room, that's half a kitchen. So it always smells like gingerbread cookies and snow, even during the summer, and when she's not baking anything.

"There you go sweetie" Grandma hands my Dad a cup of coffee and sits down in her same, old chair. Fixing her turtleneck and jeans, right before opening a huge smile placing her hand on my knee; She really loves it when we visit, telling me I should move in with her, and I used to plan on going to college here to do so, but I really don't know anymore, I had it all figured out, until Tori. I check my phone again, no new messages or missed calls. It's almost nine at LA now, so I know she's awake, but she seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth, I hope everything's ok. But if something really bad happened they'd tell me right? André or Trina would call me…she must be on the shower and can't hear her phone, that has to be it. "How are you honey?" Grandma asks, eating half a cookie

"I'm great, actually" she pulls back and widens her eyes putting the cookie down

"Great?! That's a new one! You're always 'fine' or 'whatever'" I laugh and my Dad grins

"Big boy here got himself a girl" he says, and I check my phone again "they're always together, I've never seen such thing"

"That's good" she argues "I remember when you were his age, there wasn't a day without girls coming by" I raise my eyebrows looking at Dad, never pictured like that.

"Yeah but not like those two…" the doorbell rings, and I quickly get up to answer already knowing who it is, like always, as soon as I arrive he comes banging on the door.

"Dude!" I get pulled in to a man type of hug and he taps my back.

"Moose, long time no see bro!" I say in excitement, shutting the door and walking outside. He lives right across the street, and he's one of my oldest friends from Canada, and the reason I used to spend all my breaks and vacations here at my Grandmas, he always hooks me up with girls, he has the best videogames and he always has beer.

We cross the street and in a matter of seconds we're inside his house "look" he shows me his phone, with a photo of two, super-hot, half naked girls "You, me, Megan and Emma, The Scissoring, my place" we get to the basement that is also his room. And it still has the same decoration since he was fifteen. Hockey stuff literally everywhere and his trophies, lots and lots of them.

"I'm up for The Scissoring, not the girls" I sit down at one of his chairs and he hands me a bottle, looking like he has just seen a ghost.

"No girls?!" he takes a sip "no girls no fun!"

"I have a girlfriend now, but think about it this way, two for you" he nods smiling and throws his empty bottle aside

"Wait, let me see if I got this straight, you're with just one girl?" he turns on the game and hands me a remote "is she from that weird school of yours?" I blow up some heads and put down the bottle

"Yep" I hand him the remote, I'm not in the mood for fake war right now

"But is it that serious? Because they're really hot"

"Dude no, I…wait a second I got to take this" I leave the basement and get my phone to see Tori calling me, finally.

"Hey" I wait for her to answer, but it's all silent "Tor?"

"Beck, its Trina" I roll my eyes, why does she have Tori's phone?

"What's up? Can I talk to Tori since, you know, it's her phone" silence again, she must still be drunk or something like that because Trina and silence don't match

"Beck…" her voice breaks, and I can hear her crying, what's up with her today? "T…To…Tori…"

A/N:

It happened, yes, please don't kill me. This was by furthest the hardest thing I've ever wrote in my entire life, and I plan on uploading pretty soon so don't give up on me! Love you all, hang in there,

- Kiribati