Beck's POV
No! No! No! "Dad I have to go back to LA" He grabs my arm, and takes me outside and I try to catch my breath, even though I didn't run, or did anything besides crossing the street, I just know I can't breathe
"What?! You can't be five days away from that girl, did she ask-"
"No!" I yell, still trying to breathe, but there isn't enough air! "No…" I look away, this isn't happening, it was a prank phone call it had to be. Trina's just messing with my head, and I'm going to LA to yell at her for such a bad joke, yeah.
"Give me one good reason for you to go" I shoot him a look, but he keeps staring at me, as if he wasn't even noticing the fact that I'm sweating cold and basically trying to avoid having a fucking panic attack.
"She…hum…she…" God no, I can't say it out loud! It's not… "Oh shit!" I quick a one of the chairs from the porch a bring both my hands to my face, I must have mistaken what I heard on the phone, that's another possible option, Tori is alright, she's just fine she has to be. Tori is okay.
"Watch the attitude!" he yells, and I see Moose staring from his house, and my Dad holds my arm bringing my attention back to him "Beck, your grandmother is old, and she misses you, and she is more important than a girlfriend"
I look around, he needs to let me go Grandma will understand, I can come back another time when I'm sure it was all a prank and that Tori is okay "That's not it! Please..." I beg him, and he crosses his arms
"Tell me why, and I'll think about it"
Fuck. "Tori...she...suicide" that's all I manage to say; 'suicide' such a horrible fucking word.
"No"
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" I yell, not even caring if the whole city is listening, he can't do this to me
"She's not..." My Grandma comes out and join us at the porch, and my Dad stops talking, as if she and everyone else weren't listening to this conversation;
"...C'mon honey your Mom is starting up the car" I look at her, and she nods for me to go "and I'm not that old" she says, making my father go back inside the house and I go to the car before he regrets it and tries to make me stay.
"Beck" I look at my Mom, and cross my legs rocking back and forth and I can't stop, I can't stand still "I'm sorry" I nod and turn out the window.
I don't speak anymore, I don't answer people's questions, I don't each the sandwich on the plane and I think I even stopped breathing for a few seconds. And how every second that I'm not in LA is a second of not being with her, even if she just there, I just want to see her! And I can't do anything about it, I can't help this time, I'm not enough.
The taxi drops me off at the hospital, and I rush in to the emergency room, I see Trina at a little plastic bench, and it hits me. This is not a prank, this is happening, she really didn't think it was worth being alive anymore. It's all my fault, she shifted back I knew it! I saw it in her eyes, she gave me all those hints everywhere! She shifted back and I ignored it.
Tori's POV
It all starts with flashes. Trina screaming, a very bright light and darkness again; A lot of noise, none that I recognize and more darkness, and finally light, too much light, and this annoying beeping sound. And its very quiet, weird kind of quiet…not the usual morning sounds, and it's too bright for six AM either.
I try to lift my arm to rub my eyes but they're really heavy, and there's something keeping me from making lots of movements; I crack my neck and get the courage to open my eyes...oh fuck.
Everything rushes back all at once, he left, I panicked and I finally did it. Oh god please tell me I'm just having a really bad nightmare, or this is the part where I have the epiphany and start to watch my life before crossing to the other side or whatever; not that Trina woke up early enough to save me! No! No! I'm not here, I'm not alive!
The beeping starts to get really fast now, and I start to cry…fuck no, I can't believe it didn't work, I has to work! It has to work! "Tori…" I look at my side and I can't catch my breath at his sight, and it's all too overwhelming and I…I...I should be dead!
"…what? No! No! This is isn't supposed to happen!" I start to look around, my wrists are covered in gauze and I think I'm in the emergency room but…but... "Beck…I'm sorry…" I'm cut off by my hiccups and the worst feeling in the world, and I can't even hold myself because of the stupid wires in my arms; And before I can even tell he's has his arms wrapped around me, and I have my head pressed against his shirt and I can't stop crying "I'm…I…shouldn't…be…alive"
"No, don't say that" he whispers in my ear, but it barely helps this time, all I can think is that I screwed up bad, and that what my parents would have to handle, the rumors, the whispers…they'll all be pointing at me. I'm the screw up, I'm the girl who committed suicide…I'm the failure, I failed in everything I can't even take my own life and get it right "I love you so much" he whispers "I love you…I love you…I love you"
He strokes my hair and kisses the side of my head, but I can't stop shaking and crying, and suddenly he's pulled away from me and there are two doctors talking to me but I don't understand what they're saying and I Trina is staring with at me like I'm a freak "Don't leave me!" I cry trying to reach Beck's hand, but they don't let him come near me again, and I'm getting really dizzy…and…and…
"What's going on?" are the first things that come out of my mouth before my voice breaks, and I look around, I'm not in the emergency room anymore. I'm in a private one now, and the first thing I see is Trina listening to her Pearpod and rocking her head back and forth with her eyes closed;
"Hey…" I turn around and notice he's holding my hand firmly. I manage to make my bed go up, and swallow thick air trying to be as calm as I can "…you had a panic attack so the doctors gave you some sort of medicine"
I nod and he sits down in the edge of my bed, running his hand on my face and I hold it there "I'm sorry" he stays quietly and I start to cry, I don't even want to but I can't stop, he's so heartbroken I can see it in his eyes…I made him suffer, this is all my fault, he's sad because of me.
"Don't be" he lifts the corners of his mouth, and I can tell his making a lot of effort just to do so "I'm just glad you're here" I bury my head in his neck and close my eyes, if there was one thing I was going to miss, it'd have to be him; We hear a knock on the door and he pulls away, not letting go of my hand.
"Hello Miss Vega, I'm Doctor Morey" She's tall, has a very big nose but a nice smile. And as soon as Trina notices she's there she stands up and throws her Pearpod aside, looking at me in shock. I knew this would happen, and I don't know if it's the drugs but I'm taking it a lot better now than before when I first woke up "How are you feeling?"
I look down at my wrists, and my arm with the medicine on it, and Beck looking devastated but trying his best to hide it, and than at Trina in shock, and than back at Doctor Morey "how do you think?"
She nods and takes some notes "We moved you to the psychiatric area, and your parents are making their way from the airport. But I'd like to have a chat with you first"
"Yeah, sure" I wipe the tears from my eyes, and quickly hold on to him again
"I'm sorry, but I have to talk to you alone" I pull Beck closer to me, I can't do this by myself, I'm not there yet!
"no, Beck can stay, he knows about everything…" I beg, he can't leave, I can't do this without him "…tell her, Beck…"
"you know I can't stay…But I'll be right outside, don't worry" he gives me a kiss on the cheek and I let go of his hand, I can do this, she's a doctor, if anything happens she can put me down again, hopefully something will go wrong with the medication and I'll go down forever.
The first thing I notice it's the way she talks, it's not exactly a puppy voice, but it's too friendly. It seems kind of fake too, because she sounds somewhat like Cat. Not a lot of people are truly nice like Cat so I just assume they're fake, even thought assumptions are often wrong; I bet no one ever looked at me and just assumed I was suicidal.
"Are you taking any medication?" she asks, looking down on her cardboard
"Just birth control pills" she nods, and looks back at me
"Do you drink or do drugs?" I bite my tongue, should I tell her the truth? I think I have doctor pantiet confidentiality but what if my file ends up in my parents hands? "Don't worry, I won't tell your parents"
She smiles, fake.
"Drugs, no. Alcohol, sometimes" I decide to tell her half the truth, I smoke yes, but hardly ever I rather just leave that out.
"Are you sexually active?" It's tiring to answer all of these, I wish I could just go to sleep, I really don't see how any of this might help me get better.
"Yes"
"Any abortions?"
"No" she nods, and hands me some paper sheets and a pen. No, it's too thick for a pen, it's more of a marker and it says I's for kids therefore not toxic. I guess people really try to kill themselves with anything.
"You just have to answer these, and I'll be back in a few minutes to get it" I nod and wait for her to leave the room. And I finally have room to think.
Beck's POV
"I got downstairs to get some juice and she…she was…" Trina stops talking and shakes her head, I've never seen her look so mature and normal like right now "why did she do it?" she shift back, and I noticed, and I let her go. That's what happened.
She looks at me waiting for an answer, but I don't know what to tell her, Trina simply won't understand; then she'll ask for concrete reasons for why she did it, and I can't give her that. Now I get why she didn't want to explain to me that day after Andre's party, there isn't an specific reason it's just her and a bunch of mixed up stuff that neither she or I can understand. And it does make it all a lot worse; But even so, I never thought she'd go that far, and if Trina hadn't gotten downstairs on time... I honestly don't know what I'd do "It's complicated"
I stand up, and walk around waiting for the doctor to come out "was she abused? Did you do something?!" she yells putting her finger in my nose, and I step away
"No Trina, it's not that simple, you're not going to understand" I lean against the wall and she keeps staring at me, with her widen eyes and a frown "and I can't explain"
She sits back down, and I hear footsteps coming this way, just when Tori's parents arrive and as I'm about to talk to them her father twists his fingers on the neckline of my shirt pressing me against the wall "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" he yells and Trina pulls him away from me
"he wasn't even there, she did it all by herself and for reasons I'm apparently not smart enough to understand" I roll my eyes and he takes a quick up and down look at me, still looking pissed off witch I think is completely understandable, if anything, he's underreacting.
Tori's POV
My parents are going to be here any minute, I wonder how they'll react. I could picture them caring about me when I was gone but now that I failed? I'm the mistake, I've always known that. Since I was little both my parents and Trina made it clear that I wasn't planned. And that I also didn't come at the best time since they were having some money difficulties.
'mommy and daddy never wanted you' Trina would tell me, just for the sake of it. And she always got more attention than me. I don't know why she had, and still has, to reassure herself of it all the time. What if she makes all of this about her? I don't think my parents will feel guilty either. I know it's bad, but I kind of want them to. I want them to see that I'm hurt, and that they're a part of the reason why I did it.
I turn my attention back to the sheet, and it's a pretty basic questionnaires. Like the ones I do online to get fake diagnosis, I have to rank how I feel from one to five, five being the highest. I get mostly four and fives, and when I'm done that doctor hasn't come back yet, and I'm too tired to turn on the TV. It feels like time isn't flying by, its like the clock is stuck and I'm going to have endless minutes of suffering.
"So, did you finish answering the questions?" Doctor Morey asks, and I hand it to her, and she looks not as happy as before, more real. She takes a couple of minutes looking at my answers, and I start to get more and more irritated for no reason at all "for how long have you been feeling suicidal?"
I know that I started feeling down when I was fourteen, right after Trina got into Hollywood Arts. She kept saying she was the talented one, she was the best Vega. And it hit me, I couldn't avoid it. But feeling suicidal...I don't know, to me it was always an option, but I also know that it felt unreal. Something I could never actually go through with it, until...
"December twentieth, last year" she looks down, and I see confusion in her eyes. I guess she didn't expect me to give her an exact date "it's my birthday" she nods, as if it all made sense now.
"And did you do it for any specific reason? Were you..."
"No" I already know the question, it's pretty standard "I've never been abused or anything like that"
"I'm going to give you a prescription, Zolof" Oh my god I need pills to be happy "and you have to take it twice a day, one at morning one at night" she places the small orange container on top of the table "and we're going to schedule sessions with one of our psychologists"
"Is it going to be you?" I ask, and she nods with that fake smile again
"No" I'm glad it's not her "It's Doctor Fowler, I'll give your parents the address" she opens the door, and my Mom rushes in making my heart stop. But instead of looking at me, she goes straight to Doctor Morey
"How is she?"
My Dad walks in next, he looks at me and then at my wrists, and keeps staring them not a word or even a facial expression, just staring. And then Beck comes in, and my father breaks away from my wrist and looks at Beck that doesn't seem to be bothered by that. "How are you?" he asks in a low voice, sitting in the same chair he was before and I reach his hand
"I'm glad you're here" I say, and he rubs his thumb over my palm
"I think it's best if Tori stays here overnight" the doctor begins "she's unstable and..."
"But it's Christmas" my Dad says, now he looks somewhat in shock "I'm sure Tori is feeling better now, aren't you sweetie?"
The doctor looks at him, trying to see weather he's serious or not. Welcome to my family, they don't car "Tori has to stay for twenty four hours, hospital procedure. Now, did you think about her options?"
"Yes, Tori is fine to stay at home" Tori looks really concerned now, and Trina walks in sitting down next to Beck "It was a one time thing, right honey?"
"No!" the doctor says and the smile disappears from her face "she's not fine, she has high levels of anxiety and depression witch you don't seem capable of dealing with! You should really consider putting her in a men..."
"...No, Tori is fine and she's coming home in the morning" My Dad states, fuck! How can he say that? At this point I almost wish they wanted to put me in Mental Ward. The Doctor sights, and finishes telling them about my medication and Beck gets the time for my appointment with the psychiatrist, because will probably think that's a waste of time too. And when she leaves the room my Mom finally faces me. But opposite to my dad she doesn't dare to look anywhere other than my face.
"Tori I'm so sorry you can't come to our Christmas party tonight" WHAT? "Are you fine to stay here by yourself?"
"I'm staying" Beck says, they're leaving me here? They still going to have the stupid party?
"we have to go" Trina says, and my Dad gives me surprisingly kiss on the forehead
"Hand in there" he says, leaving the room with Trina, and my Mom holds my hand briefly
"See you tomorrow, hang in there" she leaves the room, shutting the door behind her and the tears and instant, they really don't care at all!
"Fuck..." I cover my face with the pillow, and I can feel it getting wetter as I cry "My parents hate me" I murmur, and Beck takes the pillow from me.
"No they don't" my breath shakes, and he traces his hands up my arms and stopping at my neck witch is comforting. I prefer to be left with him than with my parents but I just wish they were sad! So fucking sad, like I was for the past years "they're just in the denial"
"Stay safe! Take care? Their daughter tries to..." he looks away, and I can't bring myself to say it, not in front of him "...and all they can say is stay safe!?"
I throw my wait at the bed, and I can feel myself loosing it again, merry fucking Christmas.
A/N: Hey guys! Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter, I really love getting feedback from you guys! Please please please review this one too! Love, always,
- Kiribati