Tori's POV
He gives me a hug, he's exactly like I remember. Messy blond hair, green eyes and a few freckles on his face. Although he has a lot more muscles than when he was thirteen and fourteen, he must work out a lot to be like that. The only flaw one could point at him is that's he's not very tall, but he has enough confidence to handle that. "You finally decided to show up... in the winter?" he says, with a smile on his face, and of course, the very strong southern accent.
He gives me another hug, but I can't focus on him anymore, I just know that as soon as he's out of my sight I turn around, facing wall, trapped inside my mind again.
"I know, I'm here with some friends" I pull away, and he looks at Beck for half a second than back to me and I pull my sleeves even more, reflex I guess. "Oh, right, Beck this is Austin, Austin this my boyfriend..."
"Hey dude" Beck says, and Austin offers him his hand, not something common for LA teenagers, but he's from the south, different manners. He shakes it, and I take a step behind, leaning against the wall.
"What are you doing here?" He asks, and I notice he's wearing a UTC hoodie. University of Chattanooga.
"I came with some friends" His phone rings, and he takes a quick look at it "You go to school here?"
"Just following the plan" He puts it back in his pocket, and still hasn't shaken off the smile from his face "I study Marine biology, work at the Aquarium and living right across the hall from you"
"That was the plan..." His life turned out just like we planned it, a few summer ago; No self-harm, suicide, bumpy roads on the way. I guess life does work out for some people "Just like we thought"
"Kind of" He looks at Beck again, and the smile disappears "My folks passed away, so I had to move in with Nana, left sweet home Alabama behind gave Nana a hard time but is all good now" He smiles again "At least I'm not in Mississippi...I have to go feed some Otters but y'all can come by my house later"
"Sounds great" I say, waiting for him to leave and he gives another hug, right before going around the corner and soon out of my sight. And I turn around to face the wall, trapped inside my mind again.
How did his life feel right into place, even thought he lost his parents? He managed to get over it, and get right back in track and it worked, he's happy and working at the aquarium, just like we planned that summer; and me, I'm barely holding it together.
What happened to me? How did I let myself become this person? Everyone I know, even people that are in situations a lot worse than mine are just fine, and living, working to have a good future and yet here I am. I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm miserable. I'm selfish, that's what it is, so fucking selfish to think that my problems are worse than everyone else's.
"Tor, what's going on?" I turn around, and Beck lands his hand on my shoulder...he's stuck with me, if I'm sad he'll be sad too, I'm selfish with him too. This is not fair to him! Everything about me is wrong! I need to get away, I can't...
I run, and I'm good, fast runner leaving Beck behind, and I don't know where I'm going but whenever I hear his footsteps getting closer I start to go faster, to realize I'm standing in the middle of the walking bridge. I walk towards the edge of it, and look down at the Tennessee river. I could jump, a few seconds and it'd all be over, there is no way of failing in this one...one jump...
"Tori! What happened?" I can't catch my breath, and I want to die. That's what happened "talk to me" He'll hate me, if he knows he'll hate me. I turn around and he reaches for my arm but I let go, sitting down at one of the benches, digging my head between my knees, covering my face with my hands in a failed attempt of not crying. He sits down beside me, and strokes my hair down my back, that's all he can really, he can't help me. No one can help me at this point, I just wish the fucking Zolof would start working and I would stop thinking about suicide! I can't think about how I'm so selfish, and want to throw myself off a bridge, it's not fair to everyone around! Everything I want to do will give people so much pain...there is so much pain, everywhere, all the time. "Tell me, I can't handle it"
"it's..." I begin, but my voice breaks and I give in to the excessive hiccups, resting my elbows on my knees, but I don't dare to look away from the palm of my hands. He wraps his arms around me, and I curl up pressed against him, digging my face on his chest, biting my bottom lip to try and control myself "everyone has it much worse!" I finally say, freeing myself from his embrace, and getting up with a sudden hot wave and too much energy "Look at Austin! He lost his parents, and he's fine...and I'm...I'm all fucked up for no reason at all!" I push all the hair away from my face, and pound my arms in the air "There are people starving! Losing babies! Losing jobs and doing jut fine! What's my problem? Parent's that simply don't give a fuck about me, well I don't think that's a very good reason to try and commit suicide now is it?!"
I lean against one of the wooden beams and let go of my body, sliding down to floor and just staring at the ground. I don't even have the energy to cry anymore.
"Hey...Just because he lost his parents, and that there are people that have it much worse, that does not change the fact that you have what you have" He tilts my chin up, and I just now realize that he's sitting right in front of me, with his hand on my cheek and shoulder. "thinking that you cant feel sad because people have it a lot worse is the same as thinking you cant feel happy because other people have it a lot better"
I stand on my knees, and wrap my arms around his neck pushing him a bit just so I can sit on his lap, he always know just what to say. I wish I could listen to him at all times, just to shut my stupid urges off and hear him over and over again "I'm sorry" I whisper, and rest my head on his shoulder "I never meant for things to happen this way"
"Torrey and Torrey's friends, y'all come in" Jade is the first one to walk in, and Cat flips her hair when he looks at her, then giggles. Andre and Robbie go in next, and I'm really glad that Robbie didn't bring Rex on this trip with him, I already have too much stuff going on to have to handle that puppets lines all the time; Beck and I go in last, and I see that like him, his Grandma's house stayed the same. The living room has china on the wall from all the fifty states, and there are about six or seven couches, each of them with a different floral pattern, and all there are lots of matching, light wood furniture. It reminds me a lot of Andre's house, only bigger and without a crazy Grandma thinking that the ceiling fan is a helicopter.
"why do you live in an old ladies house?" Robbie politely asks, and I roll my eyes, sitting down in a couch with Beck.
"It's my Nana's house" He says, opening the fridge, and Cat follows him "what y'all want to drink?"
"Oh, your biceps are so huge!" Cat says, holding his hand then runs off to the living room "I want what you want"
"what do you have?" Jade asks, raising an eyebrow.
"I have everything, Yankee" Jade sits up and frowns her lips
"I'm not a Yankee, I'm from LA and I want absinth" he nods his head and throws her the bottle full of the green liquid.
"She sure does behave like a Yankee" I smirk, and Jade gives me a deadly look "anything else?"
"Let's do tequila shots!" Andre says, and Austin puts the bottle on the table with seven little cups and Cat starts to pour the drink smiling at him. We hold the cups, I am not going to get drunk today, Drunk Tori does stupid things. I look at Beck, and he gets one cup for himself and one for me "Ok, one, two, three!"
We all take it, and Jade fills us up again, ok this is will be my last one "Go!" I hit the cup on the table, and push it aside "Sweet sally peaches is done?"
"I don't really feel like drinking today" Beck takes my hand, and Jade shrugs filling up with Absinth this time. And Austin looks at me, and doesn't break away when I clearly seem annoyed by it. Why does he keep staring?
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Cat yells, and opening her coat and taking her usual bag of weed from her pockets "My brother gave me right before you guys picked me up!" Jade and Andre clap, and I get up I can't be here right now, I need some air.
"Do you want to go home?" Beck asks me, and thankfully everyone is too focus on doing a joint to pain attention to me
"No...I'm just gonna go get some air" He looks at me for reassurance, I get it, suicidal girlfriend is not one to leave alone "I'll be right back, stay is fine" I walk inside just as the smoke starts to built up causing Robbie's excessive asthma coughs. I open the door to the porch, and sit down at one of the two rocking chairs, and look down at the other end of the bridge.
"I finally found you" I look up, and Austin sits down in the chair next to mine, holding a beer. And I look back at the town,
"You look different Torrey" And he has all my attention now, none of my friends noticed anything wrong me, ever. And I've been twenty minutes near him and he says I changed?
"How?" I rock my chair, and the wind blows my hair in my face. If it wasn't for the freezing wind, it'd be the perfect temperature, cold enough to use long sleeves, but not enough to freeze any body part left uncovered.
"I think you are more of a Tori, than Torrey now"
"So I'm not bubbly and happy and adorable anymore?" He chuckles, and I put my hair in a ponytail to keep it from getting in my face again. He's the only one that doesn't call me Tori, never did. I used to hate that when I was younger, well not really, I couldn't hate anything about it. I just didn't get why he couldn't call me by my own name, correctly. Until the day I asked, and he said 'I just think Torrey suits you best. It's happy, and bubbly and adorable, like you'
"You're still as pretty as a southern belle" I glance at him, if I didn't know him better I'd think he was flirting. But that's just the way he is, flirting is his first language "but something is gone, you seem sad"
How can he read me so well? "I grew up Austin, that's what happened"
"Why?" I shoot him a look, and he puts the empty bottle aside "What happened that made you grow up?"
"Life happened" Where is he trying to get? And why is he still smiling, all the time?!
"You used to be so optimistic, looking forward to things, to future with me and the Otters" I get up, and he stands up too taking a step back so I can open the door "Torrey..."
"No, stop. You can't like me, I was a stupid thirteen year old!" He shuts the door, and I tone down my voice, because even thought all of my friends are too high to understand what I'm saying I don't want to cause a scene "I changed, you said it yourself I'm not Torrey anymore! I'm not happy anymore!" I walk back into the living room and storm out of the apartment.
Beck's POV
"what happened to her?" Cat yells, and giggles throwing herself at Austin, that looks confused...Oh crap, what did he do.
"I..." I go over to him and shut the door to the living room, leaving just the both of us inside the hall
"What did you do?" I ask, and he scratches the back of his neck. He better not take too long to talk because I can't leave Tori alone if she freaks out again "Tell me, what did you do?"
"I don't know man, I just told her she didn't look happy and she freaked out" Fuck "what's wrong with her?" I run my fingers through my hair, and I'm just glad that the five of them are all drunk and probably won't remember any of this tomorrow.
"Don't say anything about it" I open the door and leave him behind, going after Tori. I get to the apartment and the living room is empty "Tor?" I hear a loud crash, and run inside the hall and she's standing on top of Andre's bed, that's in the middle of the room.
"We have to get this bed out" she gets down and tries to lift it up "I want to sleep with you, and I can't do that if Andre's inside the room"
"Tor what's..." She signals for me to stop talking, and holds the bed from one side
"Just help me take this out of the room" I nod, she's shivering but not crying, too focus on the bed to do so. I lift the bed on the other side, and we flip it over dragging to the door, and she puts it back down, leaving half of it outside, and half of it inside the room. "Ok I'm good to go, let's lift it again"
We get the bed out, and she pulls me inside the room crashing her lips onto mine. And I get carried away from a moment, locking the door as she tries to take off my shirt. But she's freaking out and this is just her distraction, and if she doesn't deal with it it's only going to make her feel worse. And plus, I can't stop thinking about what that asshole did to make her loose it in just five minutes.
"Tor..." She tries to keep me from talking, and I pull away, holding her shoulders "what did he do?"
"Nothing! I'm fine!" she takes her shirt off, and of the bandages in her wrists come off, leaving her stiches exposed "oh god..." She sits down at my bed, and picks up the bandages trying to roll it again, and once she fails she starts to cry and throws it aside "He said I don't look happy anymore, he noticed" I sit down beside her, and grab the bandaged wrapping it myself, and she holds her wrist, pulling me down to the bed, resting her head on my chest. "Twenty minutes with him and he notices I'm different, and Andre, Cat, Robbie, Jade! None of them thinks I'm different"
"Maybe they did, and just didn't tell you" She stays silent, and I kiss her forehead, making her cuddle up closer to me the best way she can without putting any weight on her arms or he stitches might break.
"I'm tired" she breathes out, pulling up the covers, and I kick my shoes off.
"Go to sleep" she lifts her head, and I kiss her briefly before she pulls away and shuts her eyes "sweet dreams
A/N: Hey guys, thank you for all the reviews and good feedback! I'm going to try to upload as soon as possible as always, and again, thanks for the reviews they really are the highlight of my day! Love you all, forever and always,
- Kiribati
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