Author's Note: Wow, I am on a role with all my updating lately! :) This chapter has been a long time coming, I actually wrote most of it back in like October and I've been just working up to it. I've also got most of the next chapter written, but I'm going to have to tweak it a lot now that I actually know the cause of this chain of events, haha. In any case, please, please review and let me know what you think!

Chapter Seventeen

Monster

The ride back to the Curtis house after the incident at the gas station was eerily silent. Even Two-Bit didn't dare crack a joke or make any kind of comments at all. Since returning home from the war Soda had several short bursts with his temper that he had never felt before being deployed. However each incident was short lived and tended to dissipate quickly. This time that didn't happen though. As Soda stared out the window he could feel himself grow even angrier as he went over and over what the guy at the gas station had said to him.

When they pulled up in front of his house Soda didn't wait for help out of the car like he had become accustomed to doing. He flung the car door open and yanked himself up and out through sheer force of will. His leg already hurt like hell, what was another stab of pain really going to do? As he limped toward the house he was aware of Two-Bit and Steve just standing by the car watching him carefully, clearly unsure what they should do. For a moment Soda thought and hoped that maybe they wouldn't follow him. He didn't want to be around them right now, especially after what they had just witnessed. But as he struggled to ascent the porch steps they finally approached, through neither offered their help and they were very obviously keeping their distance. That only made Soda angrier. They were treating him like he was dangerous. Why couldn't everything just go back to the way it was before he had left?

Because I was stupid enough to almost get my leg blown off, Soda thought bitterly to himself. I shoulda just ran when I had the chance, just looked out for myself instead of worrying about everyone else.

As he entered the house, Soda found that the immediate area was deserted. It was Saturday afternoon so Darry was working a double and wouldn't be home until late. He figured Pony was probably around somewhere, but he wasn't concerned about that right now. He headed straight for the television as he remembered very clearly what Darry had said to him his first morning back home.

Darry was about to walk out the door when something seemed to dawn on him. "Uh, Soda," he said, looking over at his brother. "I wouldn't bother with the TV today if you can help it. They tend to cut into shows with footage and updates from… from the war."

Soda hadn't put too much thought into what Darry had said that day. He had never been one to sit around and watch much television anyway. But something had finally occurred to him. Since he had been back he hadn't seen the television on at all. This was very unusual. Not only did Pony like to watch TV, but usually it was always on for background noise even if no one was really watching it. Before this moment Soda had just assumed that it was left off because they were trying to cut back on the loud noises around the house since he was so easily startled. But as what the man at the gas station had been saying started to really sink in, he realized that there was likely a much different reason all together for the sudden disuse of the TV.

"Soda…" Steve said warningly as he watched Soda flip through a few channels. Soda pretended not to hear him and neither Two-Bit nor Steve made any move to stop him.

Soda finally stopped on a channel that showed a very familiar scene. He straightened up and took a small step backwards, staring intently at the screen. Even through the grainy, black and white picture he could make out the image of a village being burned to the ground. He could see American soldiers lighting up more huts around the outskirts of the village. He tried not to look too closely at the soldiers, afraid of recognizing someone from his squad or, even worse, maybe even himself since there was no telling how long ago this was filmed. He could almost smell the smoke again. Vietnamese woman and children were running, screaming. Soda felt frozen. This is what the media was showing the American people? Where was the context? Where was the explanation that the Vietnamese soldiers were using their own women and children as shields?

Soda suddenly realized that his heart was pounding. Adrenaline was coursing through him and he didn't feel anger anymore. He felt rage. Was this how people saw him? Darry must have seen this or he wouldn't have warned Soda to stay away from the television. Did Darry see him this way as well? What about the others? Pony, Steve and Two-Bit must have seen it too at one point or another.

"What's going on?" Soda heard Pony's voice behind him but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the blazing fire on the TV. He was transfixed. "Soda?"

"It wasn't like this," Soda whispered, his voice sounding desperate. Finally he forcibly tore his eyes away from the screen, unable to watch any more, and started limping away. The pain in his leg was mocking him. What was the point of it all? He never even wanted to be a part of this stupid war. As Soda limped away from the TV, Two-Bit immediately stepped forward and snapped it off. Soda glared at him. "What's the matter, can't stomach it?" he growled. It wasn't fair. Two-Bit could just turn off the TV and be rid of the horrific images and sound. Soda couldn't simply switch off his own memories, no matter how much he wanted to.

"No, I just…" Two-Bit let the thought hang, looking a bit like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Don't you get it?" Soda suddenly shouted. "That is a part of my life! I can't just shut it off when I don't want to deal with it anymore. I remember… I remember everything! I can't not!"

"Soda, that's not-" Steve started, but Soda cut him off. He didn't want to hear any explanations.

"Those soldiers on the TV, the ones you don't want to look at, I was one of those soldiers!" Soda continued. He was literally shaking with rage that he couldn't seem to control. Some small voice in the back of his head implored him to stop yelling at the friends who had only tried to help him, but he just couldn't quite hear it over the pounding of blood in his ears. "Maybe you can just shut off the television and not have to look at those other soldiers, but I am still right here!"

"Soda, please calm down," Pony begged, moving forward and reaching out to touch Soda's arm.

Soda could hardly hear him through his haze of rage. He was hardly aware of his own actions. Despite being crippled he was still incredibly strong. It was almost as if he was watching from some faraway place as his arms seemed to move on their own accord. He grabbed the figure in front of him and swung him hard, sending him flying.

Suddenly the house was deathly still and quiet. Soda looked around and saw Steve and Two-Bit both staring at him with mirrored expressions of horror. Then he looked down. Pony lay sprawled on the floor several feet away from him, his eyes closed, unnervingly still. The world seemed to fall from underneath Soda. What had he done?

For what seemed like an eternity, no one dared move.

"P-Pony?" Soda finally stuttered. His voice sounded young and scared.

"Soda, back up," Two-Bit said slowly. It wasn't a request. He realized that both Two-Bit and Steve were afraid of him. They didn't want to approach Pony because he was still lying too close to Soda. He suddenly realized that he didn't know where his cane went and all his weight was on his right leg, his left leg still throbbing horribly. Somehow he managed to stumble backwards, hitting the wall behind him hard.

Steve knelt down next to Pony as Two-Bit went to stand between them and Soda almost as if he thought Soda might try to attack him again. Soda couldn't take his eyes off his little brother, who still was not moving. He could feel himself begin to shake again, but this time there was no anger, no rage. He was terrified by what he had just done.

"I don't think his neck is broken," Steve said quietly.

Soda's stomach seemed to drop out of his body as tears filled his eyes. Broken neck… how hard had he thrown his little brother? Soda noticed how close Pony was laying to the coffee table. Had he hit his head? He found that the scene in front of him was blurring in and out of focus and he couldn't quite focus on what was happening.

"W-what did I do…." Soda whispered, his eyes wide in horror. His legs felt weak and suddenly he was sitting on the floor. He looked up at Two-Bit helplessly, his eyes pleading. "H-he's okay, right? He's gonna be okay?"

"I think it's just a concussion or somethin'," came Steve's voice. "I need something to wrap his head, he's bleedin' pretty good." Two-Bit didn't move, still staring down at Soda, his face unreadable. Soda couldn't tell what his friend was feeling. Anger? Sadness? Pity? "Two-Bit, Soda's not going anywhere. Get me something to stop Pony's bleeding." Steve spoke very forcefully.

Two-Bit disappeared. He came back a minute later ripping up an old t-shirt he must have grabbed out of someone's bedroom. He kept glancing at Soda as he helped Steve carefully wrap a few strips around Pony's head. Soda couldn't see any blood, so he figured he must have hit the back of his head.

"C'mon, Soda." Suddenly Steve was crouching in front of him, looking at him with concern. "We gotta take Pony to the hospital, he's probably gonna need some stitches." His voice sounded oddly gentle, like he was talking to a toddler.

Soda shook his head slowly. "You go," he said flatly. Steve and Two-Bit could take care of his kid brother just fine. He had been the one to hurt Pony; he couldn't go with him to the hospital.

"You have to come too," Steve insisted. "We can't leave you here by yourself, Soda." Soda just stared up at him blankly. Nothing seemed real at this moment. Steve sighed. "Look, we aren't leaving without you. The longer you fight that the longer Pony goes without medical care."

He had him there. Soda let Steve pull him to his feet and he handed him back his cane which had fallen away at some point. Soda felt physically weak, like he could barely hold himself up. Steve hesitated for a moment, looking at Soda unsurely as if he were afraid he was going to fall, before he went back over to where Two-Bit was crouched over Pony. Working together they lifted him up between them. Pony let out a low groan, the first sign of life Soda had seen from him in the past five minutes.

They all trooped outside to where Steve's car was parked. They laid Pony out on the backseat and Two-Bit slid in next to him. Soda felt numb as climbed back into the front seat of the car. Steve drove as fast he could. Soda stared blankly out the window, everything blurring together as he watched the scenery slip in and out of focus. It seemed like no time at all had passed when they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. Apparently Pony had come around at some point during the ride, but he was still very groggy and disoriented. He leaned heavily on Two-Bit as they stumbled into the emergency room. Soda couldn't even bring himself to look at him.

"We were wrestling, and the kid accidentally hit his head pretty hard on a coffee table," Steve told the nurse at the front desk.

Liar… Soda thought bitterly. He should have told her the truth. Maybe they would lock him up so he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone again.

"You look like you're about to drop," Two-Bit said to Soda in a low voice as a couple nurses took Pony away on a stretcher. "C'mon, let's sit."

"You got a phone I could use?" he heard Steve say to the nurse as he started to limp away, following Two-Bit to the waiting room. "I gotta call his brother. He's his legal guardian."

Darry… Soda thought vaguely. Darry was going to kill him. Darry was going to strangle him with his bare hands for what he had done to their little brother. He fell heavily onto a hard seat at the far end of the waiting room and hung his head, staring at the polished white floor.

"They said Darry is out on a job," Steve said a minute later, sitting down next to Soda. "Said they'd send someone out to tell him and he'll be here soon."

Soda made no indication that he had heard him. He just continued to stare straight down at the floor. Everything had spiraled out of control so quickly and it was hard to believe that this wasn't just another one of his nightmares. As much as he hated how everyone was so careful around him he was starting to think that they were all very right to be. Maybe he was dangerous. Maybe he had changed. Maybe he would never be able to feel like the person that he was before he was drafted. He was only vaguely aware of tears falling down his cheeks. He couldn't bring himself to care and made no attempt to wipe them away. He was a monster.