Author's Note: Thank you reviewers! Fair warning, with the holidays coming up I may not be able to update as quickly as I usually do, but I promise not to leave you hanging too long. I usually try to update at least once a week, but the next chapter may take a little more than a week to be posted. Or it may not. Who knows! Haha. But there is still much that needs to happen in this story. ;)

Chapter Eighteen

Guilt

"Hey Curtis!" Darry, who was up on the roof of the house that they were working on, looked down at the site manager standing on the ground, cocking an eyebrow. "Come down here for a minute."

Darry found it odd that he wanted to talk to him right now but he obediently climbed back down the ladder. "What's up?" he asked as he approached.

"One of your brother's friends called in," he started and Darry felt his stomach drop. This couldn't be heading in a good direction. "He said it wasn't anything really serious, but your brother's in the hospital."

"Did he say what was wrong with Soda?" Darry asked quickly. "Was it his leg?" The manager certainly knew about Soda coming back from the war and him being injured. He had used the excuse to work a little less than he usually did the past few weeks.

"It's not that brother," the manager said, shaking his head. "It's the younger one, Ponyboy? His friend said he was getting stitches." Darry was taken aback for a moment. He couldn't imagine what Pony could have done to need stitches. But at least it didn't sound too terribly serious. "You can go ahead and take off if you want."

Darry nodded. "Thank you," he said sincerely. He hurried out to where he had parked is truck and took off, anxious to get to the hospital and find out what had happened. Luckily the hospital wasn't far from the job site he had been working on and only ten minutes later he was walking into the waiting room outside of the emergency room.

It didn't take him long to spot Soda along with Steve and Two-Bit all gathered in the far corner of the waiting room. Soda was sitting in a chair with his head hanging down, staring at the floor. He looked shaken by something. Steve was sitting next to him, also looking a little too concerned for much comfort. Two-Bit was standing a few steps away, fiddling with a pack of cigarettes.

"What the hell happened?" Darry demanded as he approached the group. They all looked up at him with weary eyes.

"I was wrestling with Pony and he wacked his head," Steve said spoke up after a short pause. Soda was shaking his head though. He looked up and opened his mouth as if to protest what Steve had said. "Soda…" Steve said warningly, cutting him off before he even started.

Darry looked confused, looking from Steve to Soda and back. Clearly there was something they weren't telling him. Clearly something was seriously wrong with this situation beyond just some silly accident.

"Care for a smoke, Darry?" Two-Bit spoke up. "C'mon, I gotta step outside for a minute. This place is making me want to crawl the walls."

Darry just nodded, not making any mention about how he didn't smoke. Obviously Two-Bit knew that very well. He decided that if he wanted to know what happened today he was going to have to play along. He followed Two-Bit back out of the hospital, sending one last worried glance back toward Soda, who had hung his head once again, before stepping outside. They walked a little ways away from the front door where they were likely to have some privacy. Darry waited impatiently as Two-Bit lit up a cigarette.

"Well?" he finally prompted. "What the hell is going on?"

"Well Pony should be fine," Two-Bit started. "He whacked his head pretty good and he was bleeding, but he was comin' 'round and kinda aware of what was going on by the time we got here."

"He was unconscious?" Darry asked, paling a bit.

"Yeah, for a few minutes," Two-Bit admitted reluctantly. "He was already wakin' up by the time we starting moving him to the car though."

Darry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment. "And how did he whack his head, exactly?" he asked. "Because him and Steve never wrestle." Two-Bit looked uncomfortable as he took a long drag off his cigarette. "Spit it out, Two-Bit."

Two-Bit sighed. "Soda kinda… lost his temper today," he said slowly. "Pony tried to calm him down and he kinda… grabbed him and flung him. It wouldn't have been so bad but when he fell he hit his head on the coffee table."

Darry just stared in shocked for several minutes. He had been afraid something like this would happen, but it didn't make it any easier to believe that Soda would actually hurt his little brother like that, even if it was unintentional.

"Do you know what set him off?" Darry finally asked.

"It was a real bad day," Two-Bit said darkly. "There was this guy at the gas station that Soda was doin' a fill up for… I dunno exactly what happened, Steve got there before I did, but I guess somehow he found out that Soda was in 'Nam and was givin' him all kinds of shit for it. I did see him spit on Soda. He also kicked Soda in his bad leg and that sent him into like a flashback or something. Took us a minute to convince him that he wasn't still in 'Nam."

Darry felt sick. He couldn't imagine someone being so cruel to his younger brother for something he had no control over. He leaned up against the brick wall of the hospital, his knees feeling weak. He certainly knew about all the anti-war protestors, but he had hoped that somehow Soda wouldn't ever find out about them, at least not until he was more recovered.

"Anything else?" Darry asked, mostly just to be saying something. He couldn't imagine it could get any worse at this point.

"Well…" Two-Bit said, and Darry looked at him sharply, startled that he could actually have more to tell him. "I'm guessing the guy made some mention of how the news was covering the war, 'cause when we got him back home he was very determined to turn on the TV."

Darry swore loudly. He knew exactly what they showed on the news. There were several late nights when he couldn't sleep while Soda was away that he would go into the living room and turn the TV on mute and watch the coverage, foolishly hoping that maybe he would get a glimpse of his little brother. Some of the images that he saw really stuck with him though. When he found out that Soda was finally coming home this was all something that he desperately hoped to protect him from. But now he wondered if it was stupid for him to think that he could shield Soda from all of this. Instead maybe he should have prepared Soda for this so that he wouldn't be so blindsided when he did come across this extreme prejudice. Maybe he would have been able to deal with it better if he had seen it coming. It certainly looked like Darry had made the wrong decision and now both his brothers seemed to be paying for it.

"Please tell me that's it," Darry said tiredly.

"I think that about covers it," Two-Bit said with a small nod.

Darry sighed heavily. This was all a lot to take in. He decided that he needed to just take this one step at a time. He needed to make sure Pony was really okay first. There was no point in talking with Soda and trying to convince him that it wasn't his fault until they knew for sure that Pony's injury wasn't too severe.

"Thanks for your help, Two-Bit," he said finally.

Two-Bit nodded, his face still uncharacteristically serious. "Do you… do you think Soda is dangerous?" he asked slowly.

Darry was silent for a minute. At this point he figured it was a valid question. "I think he's been through something awful," he finally said. "But I believe the Soda we know is still in there somewhere. I see glimpses of him almost every day. I think that this will get easier with time." Two-Bit nodded, seeming to accept this answer. "Now c'mon," Darry said, starting to head back toward the front door. "Let's see if we can somehow keep this from destroying any hope of seeing the old Soda again."

XxXxX

Soda watched as Darry and Two-Bit walk away, a dull look on his face before he lowered his head once more in shame. Darry didn't even smoke. And even if he did, there was no reason they couldn't smoke right here in the waiting room. It was obvious to him that Two-Bit was taking Darry out of earshot of the hospital staff in order to tell him what really happened.

"It wasn't your fault, Soda," Steve said in an undertone.

Soda looked at him in disbelief. "Who the hell's fault was it then?" he demanded.

"It was an accident," Steve said. "You'd never hurt Pony on purpose."

Soda just shook his head. Steve didn't understand. He was a monster. The war had changed him. He couldn't even be trusted with his younger brother anymore. He should be locked up.

Darry and Two-Bit walked back in a short while later, he wasn't exactly sure how much time had passed. Darry was quiet as he sat down on the other side of Soda. Soda couldn't bring himself to even look at his older brother. The group was silent as they waited for news.

"Ponyboy Curtis' family?"

Soda looked up to see a doctor in scrubs standing in front of them. Darry stood up.

"I'm his guardian," he said, shaking the doctor's hand. "Darry Curtis."

"Ponyboy is just fine," the doctor told him easily. "He has a very minor concussion and got four stitches in the back of his head, but he should be released in just a few hours after some observation. You can go back and sit with him if you'd like."

"Yes, thank you," Darry said with a relieved smile.

The last thing Soda wanted to do was go back and see his brother, but he knew no one was going to give him much of a choice. Without a word he allowed Steve to pull him to his feet and he trudged behind the group. The doctor led them through the halls of the hospital. Soda felt heavy and lagged as far behind as he could. How could he face Pony after what he had just done?

"He's right in there," the doctor indicated a room before walking away.

"You guys go ahead," Darry said. Soda glanced up and saw that he was talking to Steve and Two-Bit. "We'll be there in a minute."

Steve shot Darry an unsure look, but followed Two-Bit into Pony's room. Soda hung his head, preparing for the worst. Darry stepped up to him as Soda stared down at his shoes. Suddenly he felt his brother's hand on his shoulder. He looked up and was surprised to find concern in his eyes.

"Are you okay, Soda?" he asked seriously.

Soda just stared for several moments in shock, hardly able to comprehend what Darry had said. "What?" he finally said, disbelief in his voice. "Darry, I did something horrible today. You shouldn't be concerned about me."

"And I can see that it's eating you alive, what you did," Darry said. "Which means that you didn't do it on purpose. You would never intentionally hurt Ponyboy."

"I couldn't control myself," Soda said. "I'm dangerous."

"We'll figure this out, Soda," Darry said.

"You don't understand," Soda said, a mix of anger and desperation in his voice. "I'm no good anymore."

Darry grabbed Soda by the shoulders. "Listen to me, Soda," he said. "You are my brother. I believe that the war affected you so much because you are such a good person."

But Soda didn't want to listen to reassurance as he shrugged out of Darry's grasp. "I should leave," he said taking a few steps away from Darry. "I should move out, live on my own where I can't hurt anybody anymore."

It was clear that this idea was very painful to Darry. "You are not moving out," he said immediately.

"You can't tell me what to do," Soda said, suddenly fierce. "I'm nineteen, you're not my guardian anymore, Darry."

Darry looked taken aback for a moment. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets, frowning. "You're right," he said flatly. Soda was surprised, not expecting that answer. He expected more of a fight. "I'm not your guardian anymore. But if you leave now you will be tearing this family apart."

"I'm already tearing this family apart," Soda said, the pain of this statement very evident in his voice. "I landed my little brother in the hospital."

"We need you, Soda," Darry went on. "And we can help you get better."

"How? How can you help?" Soda asked, his small spark of leftover anger melting away, leaving only the desperation in his voice.

Darry sighed heavily. "I dunno exactly what that guy at the gas station said to you," he started. "But he doesn't know you Soda. I know you, Steve and Two-Bit know you, Pony knows you. You did whatever you did over there so that you could come home to us. You didn't want to be over there, you didn't want to hurt anyone. But as unfair as it was, you didn't have a choice. We all understand that."

"Was it right though?" Soda asked quietly, his eyes pleading to Darry for an answer. "Or was I just the bad guy?"

"You can't blame yourself Soda," Darry said gently. He stepped closer to Soda and carefully placed gentle hand on Soda's shoulder. "You weren't in charge; you weren't making any of the decisions over there. Right or wrong, it wasn't your fault. Honestly, I dunno if this war is justified or not and at this point I don't really care. I'm just glad to have my brother back, because to me that's all that really matters. And I know that's all that matters to Pony, Steve and Two-Bit too. Don't let the opinion of one random stranger matter more than the opinion of your own family who loves and cares for you, Soda."

Soda looked up at Darry, his eyes full of pain. Not just because of his physical pain, but his walls had fallen and suddenly he was wearing his emotional pain on his sleeve. He desperately wanted everything to be okay. "What if Pony's opinion of me has changed?" he asked, his voice shaking slightly.

"I can't speak for Pony," Darry said slowly. "And I can't pretend to know what you are going through overall. But I can relate to a certain degree to the burden of guilt. You are not the first one in this family to lose their temper and lash out at Ponyboy." Soda froze. He had forgotten that. "He did forgive me though. I don't think there's any possibility that he won't forgive you too. You two have always been so close."

"You didn't land him in the hospital," Soda pointed out stubbornly.

"Not directly," Darry allowed. "But I caused him to run away which later led to him being in the hospital. Twice."

Soda was quiet. He remembered that week all too clearly. The week they thought they had lost their little brother. The week that had ended in the deaths of two of their closest friends. After Pony had disappeared at the beginning of that fateful week Darry had been a complete wreck, the guilt completely overwhelming him. Soda could remember trying to comfort his older brother even when he himself had been hurting as well. Maybe Darry couldn't relate to being on the battlefield or being mixed up in a war he didn't even know much about… but maybe he did have a point about understanding this particular situation.

"I'm sorry," Soda finally said quietly.

"I know you are," Darry said sympathetically. He paused for a moment, then continued carefully. "I'm gonna go in to see Pony. You come on in when you are ready, alright little buddy?"

Soda nodded as Darry turned and walked into the room, grateful for a moment to compose himself. He took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Finally he forced himself to limp forward into the small hospital room. He immediately spotted Pony, still fully dressed and sitting up in the hospital bed, looking perfectly unharmed as he smiled and talked to Darry. As he turned his head Soda could see a square of gauze taped to the back of his head. His stomach turned and he felt sick that he had caused his kid brother any pain at all.

Steve moved to stand beside Soda and clapped his shoulder in support.

"Is there a chair?" Soda asked Steve softly as he surveyed the mostly empty room. "I'm about to collapse." His leg was still throbbing something awful and even with his cane he didn't think he would be physically able to remain standing much longer.

"I'll find one," Two-Bit said, overhearing. He turned and walked out of the room.

Pony looked over and spotted Soda just then. Soda could feel his heart twist as he saw the mixed emotions playing on Pony's face. He used to be Pony's protector. He used to be the one that kept the nightmares away. He used to be the one who could always comfort him. What was he now?

"Hey Soda," Pony said quietly.

"Hey Pony," Soda said. He looked down at the floor. All he wanted to do was run at his little brother and hug him tight. But he didn't trust himself. He shifted as his right leg was getting tired of holding up all his weight, but winced as any weight at all fell on his left leg and was forced to shift back. "I'm so, so sorry, Ponyboy… I dunno what happened, I didn't mean to, I really didn't…" He looked back up but he couldn't quite meet Pony's eyes.

"It's okay," Pony said, straining to smile. "I'm fine now."

"I coulda really hurt you though," Soda said.

"But you didn't," Pony pointed out.

Somehow Soda didn't feel any better.

"Hey, couldn't find a chair, but I found something better," Two-Bit said, riding back into the room on the back of a wheelchair.

"I don't even wanna know what poor soul you stole that from," Darry said with a laugh, shaking his head.

Soda slumped down into the wheelchair, feeling immensely relieved to get off his feet. Not only was his leg still hurting, but this entire day had taken a lot out of him. At that moment he didn't care that the wheelchair had been his worst fear when he had first woken up in the hospital after his injury and couldn't walk. For now, he was perfectly content with the image of a nineteen year old confined to a wheelchair.

Two-Bit wheeled him more fully into the room and Soda was aware of Pony watching him carefully. He was sure that his kid brother was afraid of him. He was also sure that his kid brother should be afraid of him. He hunched his shoulders, wishing he could just disappear.

Suddenly he realized that Two-Bit had pushed the wheelchair so that he was sitting right next to Pony's hospital bed. Pony shifted so that his feet hung over the side of the bed and then slowly slid off the bed so that he was standing in front of Soda. He was moving slowly and deliberately, though as Soda searched his brother's face he couldn't find any trace of the fear he had been expecting. Then Pony leaned down and carefully wrapped his arms around Soda. Soda was frozen in shock for a moment before he moved to return the hug.

"It's okay, Soda," Pony said quietly. "I promise you, it's okay. You're gonna get better, I know you are."

Soda felt tears forming as he listened to Pony comforting him. He had a sudden flashback to the nights following their parents' funeral when Pony had terrible nightmares. Soda would stay up with him at all hours of the night to comfort his brother. It felt a little odd with the roles reversed, but he was unbelievably grateful to his younger brother.

"Thank you, Pony," Soda mumbled, his voice shaking as a few tears escaped down his cheeks. He squeezed Pony into him before finally letting go. He sat back and hastily wiped the tears from his eyes. He glanced back at Darry who was genuinely smiling at the two of them. And for the first time he really believed – not just hoped, he believed – that everything was going to be okay.