Tori's POV
"We know about Christmas, and the hospital and well, everything"
My heart races like it's going to blow up, not in a good way. It's painful, physical pain, every single inch of my body itches and scratches and aches at the same time. How do they know?! "I don't know what you're talking about" I quickly shoot back, before my voice breaks and I swallow the tears... This is bad, even Cat is serious right now! I back away, and try to make my way back inside the guest room.
"You're not going anywhere" Jade pushes me back into the chair, and I cross my arms, scratching the back of them under my shirt, in a way that they can't notice I'm doing it, and to keep me from shaking too much. I can't sit here and talk about it...I'm...no... "So, you must be wondering how we know" she begins, and each words is a pound in my head making me dizzier and dizzier.
"Jade go easy..." Andre interrupts, but I keep staring at her raised eyebrow, Cat's rocking legs, Robbie's nail biting and Andre's concerned look, they're all acting strange, and weird, and I can't really handle it.
"First clue was the Zolof I found snooping around your room, so I thought it must be Beck's, depression fits his profile but then..."
"Trina called, she wanted to know if she could have your sleeveless shirts..."
"...so I asked why" Cat interrupts Robbie, that stays shut as I figure out the rest of the story. It had to be Trina, it's always Trina, does she actually think I'm that screwed up?! The scars will fade...I hope they will otherwise...
I'm unable to speak, so they go on talking but I can't understand what they're saying, because they probably hate me now...and...fuck I have to get out of here. I get up and run outside the apartment "Torrey, Hey!" I look at Austin, but not just him and also the open door to his apartment, running inside to get away from Jade's clacking heels, Cat's high pitch yells and Andre telling me to wait; But I block all of it, and lock the door behind me at the bottom of the stairs.
It doesn't take more than a few seconds for them to call my name, and I run upstairs barely being able to breathe. This is bad, really bad... They'll never see me the same way again, I'm going to lose my friends and soon the whole school will know and Sikowitz won't give me any more parts, so no agent will see me, I won't get a good job in the industry...
I wouldn't get a job even if no one found out, not if these scars don't fade away.
I curl up in the couch, rocking back and forth, staring at that sharp pair of scissors...that'd do some damage... No, I'm not going to do this again, cutting will take me nowhere. But than again, where am I going now? I grab them, and run my fingers through the blade, they're sharper than I thought... I can't.
I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. Shit.
A deep feeling of freedom, I missed it. The pinch of pain, good pain and it's is more frequent, efficient, now. I think it's because I'm not used to do it anymore, a week without cutting and I'm already going crazy over a tiny little one on my stomach...but it feels so...
"Tor, open up!" Fuck. I throw the scissors on the table and get up, what am I going to do?! "Tor c'mon, it's me..." I thought he was on the shower...how long has it been since I'm in here?! Shit, Beck is going to hate me if he finds out...he can't find out, he won't find out.
I go downstairs, and press my head against the door "Beck?"
"Tori, everything's fine, open the door" I breathe in, and feel another pinch of pain, but instead of the good, freeing kind this one is carried with guilt and shame. The urge to cut more, if I do it just one more time, maybe this feeling will go away for good.
"I can't" I say, before burying my face in my hands to keep him from hearing my excessive crying, I'm a mess, huge and total mess.
"If you can't come out, let me in" I look around, and run up the stairs again stumbling in a couple of steps due to my blurry vision "don't do anything stupid! Tori!" Don't do anything stupid? He doesn't know I have scissors, what does... I glance over at the opened space, the pool and the huge balcony. He thinks I might jump, it's not absurd that he thinks that... I could do it. Die in the beautiful city of Chattanooga, on the last day of the year, two attempts in a month, both in significant dates, it'd be poetic. "Tori!"
No, ending my life is not the answer. I go back down and open the door, standing behind it so no one can see me "Just Beck" I shut and lock the door as soon as he's completely inside, and he pulls me into a hug, taking a breath of relieve. I hold tight to him, still shaking but it's better like this, when I'm not alone. Easier to keep away the thoughts.
"they don't hate you"
"they should" I hold on until my heartbeat slows down "I can't explain it to them Beck, I can't talk about it" I let go, walking up the stairs. I don't want whoever is out there to hear what we're about to say.
"Do you want me to talk to them for you?" He leans against the wall and I nod, sitting down at the edge of the couch.
"I should be the one who talks" he moves closer, sitting in front of me "but there's no one way for me to do it without you there" he runs his fingers through his hair with an easy smile, and looks up at me to what soon turns into a...frown?
"Tor is that..." he reaches for my shirt "blood?" I look down and my chin drops, it left a stain, the one time he can't know that I cut I get a stain; I curl up, and tears stream down my face from both sadness and guilt "what did you do?"
"I panicked, I didn't now what to do" I look into his eyes and cry even more, because I broke his heart, and I let him and everyone else down with just this tiny cut, it wasn't even big enough to be worth it "I'm sorry..." C'mon, say something, he has to say something to break this awful sound of me sobbing. "I'm so sorry I...I love you...Beck, please"
"I know, I love you too I'm just..." he rolls his eyes and gets up turning around to face the wall, this is not good, 'justs' are never good "I'm just frustrated!" He raises his voice, I've never seen him talk like this, he hates me. "I don't get how you can do this yourself, you're amazing! And smart, and beautiful and I love you, but..."
"but, you hate me" I complete followed by a hiccup, and the urge to pull off my stitches, that'd be easier.
"No! I could never hate you, I..." he sits back down, placing one hand on my knee "I'm sorry but you can't keep doing this"
"but..."
"No, Tori. I let you before because you said it saved your life, and it didn't stop you from..." I shut my eyes, and I feel his lips on my cheek, and his hands on my hair "Just try to stop it, when it's bad I'll help you"
"I'm sorry I let you down" he wraps his arms around me, and I'm able to breathe since I locked myself up in here, how am I going to survive without him?
"I'm sorry to interrupt you two lovebirds up there" Austin yells, with poundings on the door "but I gotta get my books" I glance at the table, noticing the huge pile of biology books on it.
"Let's go get it cleaned up" he says, leading me downstairs and stopping right in front of the door "ready?" he asks, holding the doorknob and I mouth the word 'no' right before he opens it, and I get drowned by a group hug.
"We still love you girl" Andre says, making me smile, good.
"We don't want you to be sad!" Cat exclaims, and after a few seconds they finally let go
"I bought you a chocolate leaf blower" Robbie hands me the package and Beck shrugs with a smirk on his face.
"The next time you do it" Jade makes her way to me "call me beforehand so I can watch it"
"JADE!" they all scream at the same time, but I'm somewhat glad that she's joking about this. It could be much worse.
"It's fine guys" I say, walking towards the living room to have more room, the hallway is too tiny "I was just scared that you wouldn't like me anymore"
"I never liked you" there she goes again, carried by an annoyed expression .
"JADE!" I make them stop with the 'Jade' choirs, because I like it that she treats me the same way, I'd take that over pity any day.
We go back to the apartment to get ready for the new year's eve party, and Cat soon starts to talk about the plans on who's kissing who at midnight. I'm more worried on what I'm going to wear, I have one good, long sleeved dress that I know I packed but I can't seem to find anywhere.
"jackpot!" I say, taking it out from the bag and get up to put it on, right before looking at Beck, laying on the bed, watching TV "I need to change" I tell him, and he looks at me confused "can you give me a minute?"
"For real?" he turns in my direction, and I shrug "Tori I've seen you change a million times" Indeed he did, but I self conscious about the new, fresh cut right above my belly button, that must be a total mess. "is this about the cut?"
"Beck don't..."
He gets up, stepping closer to me "I didn't freak out that first day, why would I freak out now?" I take a step back and fall on the corner of the room, with my hands over my shirt.
"It's ugly, I'm ugly, I..."
"...you're not ugly, not even close to that" I bite my bottom lip looking down, no confidence, no self esteem, all that hits me at the same time, and it's not pretty. "I can leave if you really want me to" I nod, grabbing his shirt and kissing him, because he's too good for me, and I feel like I'm not worth it.
"It's fine" I let him go, and he goes back to the bad, and turning his attention to the TV; I look at the dress, and turn around to have my back facing him and I quickly change into the dress.
We hang around the house for another hour before leaving, turns out the party at the aquarium was staff members only, so Tanya took us to a VIP party her Dad's company is throwing at Hampton Inn, and I have to say it's amazing.
"Tanya this is amazeballs!" Robbie yells, and she gives him a kiss, gross.
"C'mon y'all, ten minutes to midnight!" Austin yells, and we walk up to the crowded dance floor, enjoying ourselves, champagne being served nonstop by fancy waiters with bowties, families dancing and couples running up to their rooms. Everyone's happy, and I should be too. This year should finish just the way I want the next one to start, with me being the happiest I can.
"THREE!" I look around, and people are starting to join up in pairs "TWO!" Beck pulls me towards him. I need to finish this year the happiest I can; I crash my lips onto his, because he's my happy place, and the last and first seconds of the year should always be like this "ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
A/N: Turns out nothing gets me going like procrastinating. I loved the number of reviews on the last chapter, I hope to have the same come up! Love you all,
- Kiribati