Tori
"I wanna be a virgin pure
A 21st century whore
I want back my virginity so I can feel infinity
I wanna drink until I ache
I wanna make a big mistake
I want blood, guts and angel cake"
I zip up my jeans and slip on my heels, looking at his bedroom for the first time in years, I was too busy to notice anything before. Everything is very tidy, his shelf has photo frames of him and his friends, and there are only a few books, all of them are about Marine Biology. The floor is clean and his table is completely organized, there isn't anything out of place except for his clothes on the floor, and myself, I'm a mess. "Why are you gettin' dressed so quickly?" I feel his hands on my shoulders, and he kisses my neck, I tense up.
"I have to go" He sits down besides me with that smile that makes him want to punch him in the face, and takes my hand. Again, it's not the right size, and it feels weird. I feel weird. "My Dad wants me to have dinner with him" I let go and get up, and he jumps out of the bed in his boxers. If he knew me at all, he'd know I had just given him an awful excuse. We walk to the door silently, and he unlocks it for me; I feel his hands on my waste and he kisses my neck, but I break away stepping outside.
"How about we go out tomorrow, after my shift is over?" I nod, and he hugs me again. I feel dirty, I feel like a whore. "Torrey Vega..." he whispers, giving me a kiss on the cheek before I tell him I'm tired and that I really have to go, and ring the doorbell to my house. I have to get my keys again, standing here while I know he's watching me from his door is awful... and I can tell he's smiling...
My Dad yells, saying that the door's open, and I walk in, I look around, it hits me.
I just had sex with Austin. It was so bad, awkward and uncomfortable. I just had sex with a guy...and all I could think about was Beck. I kissed Beck this morning, I had sex with Austin this afternoon. I want to die."Tori what happened?!" I look up and realize I'm on the floor, and I'm crying nonstop...was I crying on the hall? "What's going on, did Austin do something to you?!"
I nod my head, and burry my face in my hands, sobbing like...like I had just lost the love of my life, and I had it coming, but it only hit me now, Austin isn't enough of a distraction, neither is Chattanooga. I could be all the way across the world in Australia, and it still wouldn't be far enough "I knew we were going to break up... I...miss...Beck" The worst part is that I was the one who came on to him, he asked me a thousand times if I really wanted it and I said yes... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He sits down next to me, and puts his arm over my shoulder "that's why you came here sweetie?" I try to say yes, but it comes out shaky and interrupted by hiccups. He kisses the top of my head, and I keep crying, because that's really the only thing I can do "That's why I came here too"
He stays like that until I say I'm tired, and that I want to go to bed. I pick up my bags and go inside the room that used to be mine and Trina's, but don't turn on the lights, laying down on the floor, curling up in a tiny ball, starting to sob again right when my phone rings. I turned it off for the flight, I must have hit a button while lying down here...or when I was taking my clothes off at Austin's place...
Ten missed calls, eight messages. My heart aches.
From: Beck O.
Your Mom told me everything I don't understand, please call me Tor.
From: Beck O.
Tori, I love you, please answer, we can work this out.
I ignore it, I have to be strong, even if it means to lie down on the floor and have one panic attack after the other.
From: Beck O.
Tor c'mon, there must be something I can do.
From: Beck O.
Please answer me, I'll go to freaking Tennessee and meet you there if I have to.
I get up, and look at my phone ringing, he's calling me again. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I have met him in another time? Right love at the wrong time... High school is so fucked up, they give you everything, and forget to teach you that in the real world things don't work out that way.
From: Beck O.
Tori stop being so stubborn! Fuck, Tor, we're not over, we can't be over!
I get up and walk around the room before reading the other messages... If I stay inside alone I'll die, I am not to be trusted, and I did not just give up on the love of my life to waste all the other things...even if I don't enjoy them...
From: Beck O.
Tori, please.
I dig my face into the pillow and try to scream, but my voice won't come out, I can't breathe, I can't feel anything except for my skin, itching and burning asking for a blade
From: Beck O.
In my life, I love you more.
I throw my cellphone out the window, and watch it crash on the ground. I walk back inside the living room, past the door and out the hall. Knocking on Austin's door, I have to tell him the truth, I already screwed up one boy, I don't want to lead another one on. No more boys, I need to shut down...no more emotions, I could call myself emotionless Tori. "Torrey, I was going to call you after dinner" he gives me a kiss on the cheek, it doesn't feel like the way Beck kissed me... "you seemed kind of bummed out when you left"
I shake my had off, and smile, I just have to pretend I'm in school. "We need to talk" he shuts the door, and I sit down at the couch. He sits next to me and I take a deep breath. Emotionless Tori, that way I wouldn't hurt anyone else, just myself. "I don't want to date you, we can hang out and all but... I'm not going to be your girlfriend, ever"
"I don't understand"
"I left...hipster boy in LA, came here to get over him before college" I still can't say his name without being in risk of losing control, I don't even think I should think about his name "and you were there, I used you for it"
"did it work?" he smiles shyly, and it doesn't annoy me this time, but it doesn't work for me either. I nod my head in denial and his smile turns into a disappointed expression that's new to me. I messed up again, why do I always let other people down?
"I have to go" I walk to the door, and I hear him calling mine name, I turn around.
"Just know that... I really like you"
'Good, because I kind of really like you too' That's what Beck said on the day we went to Andre's barbecue... I think I could call that our first date. And after that we just made out and talked and it was amazing.
I left him behind, it was my choice and I'm not going to regret it now. It hurts too much. I look back at Austin, and leave without saying a word. As I stand in the hall I hear a 'bling' and the elevator door opens, and three girls in bikinis, laughing hysterically come out of it. They all stop looking at me, I get it I'm black hole in the middle of a summer vacation, and if I Tori from three years ago, I'd give myself the same look they're giving me.
"Excuse me please" one of them says, and I step aside giving them space to go past me. I go inside the elevator, and stand in front of the mirror. I'm crying and I didn't even notice it.
"Be strong Tori" I tell myself, but I now it probably won't work, it never does. There's another 'Bing', but I can't move. I'm stuck inside this elevator, and I either go outside and face the world being unable to stop crying. Or go back to my apartment and associate every inch of it with Beck, and cry even more. Maybe it's best if I stay in here, between the two options.
"Miss Vega? What's wrong?" I look at the blurry reflection to see Earl in the elevator door. I cross my arms, and try to swallow my tears but just like I imagined, I find it to be impossible. I turn around and try to speak but all that comes out is loud sobbing.
"I'm sorry I..." He holds my arms and leads me out of the elevator, and I have no strength to say no. He sits me down in his chair, and grabs another one sitting in front of me. I hate that he's seeing me like this, he's an old men, always smiling and he doesn't need a stupid teenager with a broken heart getting in the middle of his schedule.
"Let me tell you a story Miss Vega I was married for fifty four years" He sits back, and sights looking at the front gate "My wife's name was Daisy, she was the love of my life" He takes off his hat, and I find the courage to look at him, he looks different. Something about his eyes, it's like he's heartbroken too. "I met her when I was fourteen, we had our first dance when we were fifteen at a school Prom" He smiles, and I look at his hands, he has his finger over his wedding ring "We got married when we were twenty two and when we were twenty four a doctor told us we couldn't have children" I don't really know what to say, I don't even know why he's telling me all of this, but I feel like I should listen. "We had a bumpy road after that, she cried all the time, didn't want to leave her bed and..." he takes a deep breath, and looks at me, I don't know why this makes me cry even harder "She had a broken heart, and it took a long time but we managed to get through it, just when we had lost all of our hopes"
"You had kids?" Hiccups interrupt my phrase, but I think he got it.
"No, we learned we didn't need them to be happy and that, well, life goes on" He looks down at his hands, and I realize this is the first time I've actually talked to Earl. We've known each other for years but our relationship was strictly made from casual friendly greeting "She died two years ago, I was at the hospital and you know what her last words were? 'I'm sorry'" He nods his head, and wipes the sweat on his forehead with a pocket hankie "She left me a letter apologizing for what she made me go through with her, little did she know every second with her, even the ones she was crying locked up in the bathroom were worth it, because she was with me. Fifty four years of marriage, and she never stopped thinking everything was her fault... Ah, I'm sorry Miss Vega, I'm here rambling about my life and..."
"No, it's fine" I rub my eyes, but I can't stop crying. How can he seem to be so happy, even thought he lost the love of his life? "I'm sorry if I'm crying too much I'm... I have a broken heart too" I begin to sob again, and I know my story isn't as nearly as sad as his but I can't help myself. I think about Beck and...
I hug Earl, I really need a hug right now. "You know I loved Daisy with all my heart, but you shouldn't blame yourself for everything like she did" He taps my back and I pull away "You're a strong girl Miss Vega, you will find a way to make it through"
He gets up to open the door for another person, and I take the opportunity to leave thanking him for everything. I look at the remains of my cellphone in the middle of the street... If Beck calls I won't answer, and he might think I did something stupid like I did in Christmas. I never even said goodbye to him! I just left... I knew our last kiss was our last but he didn't, he just looked for me and I wasn't there...
I get in the first store I can find, just to realize it's the same party shop Austin and Beck went the day we lost Cat. I ask the manager to use the phone, and he must've notice I look like hell because he didn't even hesitate on saying yes.
"Hi?!" I choke at the sound of his voice "Tori is that you?!"
Be strong. "Don't speak, please just listen to me" I hear his heavy breathing, and my eyes fill up with tears but I'm not quitting right now, I can't be weak again "I love you, keep that in mind I love you more than I thought it was possible but..."
"...Tor-"
"I'm a disease, and I can't drag you down with me Beck, I love you too much for that. Forget about me, us everything just... Don't let yourself become what I am, you're too good for that. I love you Beck, I love you."
"Tori don't you dare-"
I hang up, thank the owner and run away before hearing the phone ring, again and again.
A/N: Hi guys, I'm going to try and post one chap a day because I have it all written out already, please review! The song was Teen Idle by Marina and the Diamonds.
- Kiribati