Chapter 3: Undisclosed Desires

Once everyone has finished eating, Castiel figures it would be best to find out what was going on. He had been occupied with the pleasurable act of eating, and had barely looked up from his food, devouring 3 burgers. Now he feels extremely full, almost to the point of pain, and this is so entirely new and foreign to him. Looking up at Dean, he can see the worry in those green translucent eyes. Castiel smiles to himself. He does not understand humans, but he can understand Dean. At least Dean wears his expressions out in the open.

"Dean, Sam. I would like you to be honest with me, and explain to me what I have done."

A moment passes between the brothers, and Castiel is unsure of its meaning. Dean nervously runs his hands through his hair and Sam lets out a small exhale. The air in the room seems to stagnate, and Castiel can feel his own body heat beginning to rise. He looks at his hands nervously, at the small cuts on each knuckle, just now healing over. His dark blue eyes start to feel heavy, and he isn't sure what this feeling is. He feels longing, and sadness.

Looking back up towards Dean, Castiel gulps and gives him a pleading look.

Dean blinks several times uncertainly, before saying "Look, Cas, it's complicated and you didn't do anything wrong...and well, it wasn't you when you did."

Castiel looks from Dean to Sam, and back to Dean. They both seem in agreement about this fact.

"What are you saying?"

"Dammit Cas, this isn't really something we need to talk about right now. You're barely back on your feet, and you are lucky to be alive."

Castiel's eyes darken for a moment, annoyance flickers across his face. He hates being treated like an infant, most of all from Dean. He inhales slowly, and exhales. The act of breathing is calming, and although he didn't need to breathe as an angel, Castiel regularly employed it as a calming technique for himself. He was happy to note that it still worked.

"Do you think this is really something that can wait? You are both obviously aware that I am now, simply put, human"

"I know it's gotta be hard Cas, but you gotta trust us, this is the only way" Sam says, reassuringly. As much as Castiel doesn't want to listen, Sam has a way of stating things kindly and with empathy. For a second, Castiel wonders why he was so particularly fond of Dean, who's skull could be as think as a rock.

Castiel tries to look calm, but the panic in his eyes give him away. It had been said. Castiel had said that he was human, and Sam had acknowledged that this was a true fact, and not only that but that it had been the only way.

"The only way for what?" Castiel spits out, surprising himself and wounding both Dean and Sam.

"The only way to get you out alive, Cas!" Dean says, throwing his hands in the air, his voice rising with each word and falling silent on his name.

"Did you think that maybe I didn't want to be saved, Dean?" Castiel says, quietly, prodding at something that they all know is there. The guilt, the shame, the pain. Castiel feels naked again, out of control, and he wants nothing but to be angry and forgiven at the same time. His eyes focus on Dean once more, unable to stay away from his face for too long, and then glance over at Sam again.

Sam is taking small breaths and shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He looks slightly like he is preparing to run away. He furrows his eyebrows at Castiel and tilts his head a little bit to the side, analyzing and assessing. Sam is smart, and despite his hulking frame and tortured past, he is kind to the point of sickness. He seems to come to some conclusion, and what he says next shocks Castiel.

"Would you want to talk to Dean alone?" Sam looks at the floor and runs his eyes across the floor, towards the door. He pauses for a moment before continuing. "I'm here for you Cas, I really am, but whatever happened in purgatory or whatever with you two. You know, if you gotta work something out, I understand."

Castiel feels his heart sink a little, ashamed as his own treatment of the two best humans he has ever known. No, in fact, they were better than most angels. After everything he had done to Sam, and here he was, knowing when to hold him up and when to leave.

"Thank you Sam, actually, I do think that would be best."

Sam gives a small nod, looks at Dean, unspoken words passing between them. Sam grabs his coat that is hanging off the back of his chair and snatches the keys from an end table near the door. He holds them up for Dean to see, implying "I'm taking the car and that is fine, right?" Dean barely looks at Sam, his eyes gazing at Castiel, squinting.

Castiel isn't sure how to read Dean this time. Dean is angry, exasperated, but also hurt. Mostly hurt. Castiel decides that he prefers the anger. He contemplates saying something that would make Dean angry, before realizing that this is utterly insane. He doesn't want Dean to hate him. In fact, the opposite. He wants his forgiveness, he wants the fondness between them to exist like it once did, like it was starting to again. Castiel notes a feeling of longing, but for what?

The air hangs thick between them and Castiel looks at the ground eventually. He is aware of Dean's gaze, appraising him. Looking at every inch, and judging him.

"Do you want to die?" Dean finally says, with no hint of emotion. This is rare.

"Dean, I really don't know. Everything has changed so much. Heaven was once home, full of my brothers and sisters, whom I loved dearly. Now, I don't belong there. I'm not sure where I belong. I am angry, and confused, but there is wonder too. I don't know Dean, I am more upset about the idea of what I may have done to harm you, than about falling and becoming...human."

Castiel struggles to finish his sentence. He reverts back to his method of breathing in, and than out, slowly. He stares, unblinking at Dean, who looks glassy-eyed.

"Well Cas, you aren't going anywhere, not on my watch." he finally says with a firm tone, "and you do have somewhere you belong. You belong here, with us...you're family. You always have been."

The weight of the those words seems to shake Dean. He has said it before, and he has always meant it. Castiel knows that much. Dean rarely says what he doesn't mean. Castiel remembers back to when he devoured the souls of purgatory, of the harm he had done, and that through it all...he was still Dean's family.

Castiel feels so comforted by this thought, and he can feel his eyes misting over slightly. This was new! He knew what it was, and he welcomed it. The physical manifestation of all his agonies, his pain, his ineptitude, and the feeling of being forgiven and wanted despite all of it.

Castiel looks at Dean, tilting his head slightly to the side with a small smile on his lips. "Thank you."

How Sam would have laughed, or maybe he would join in too, if he had walked in on these two men. These two incredibly broken men, who had been so past the point of repair, who had been to hell, heaven, purgatory, and back. Men who should be so hardened and cold, but here they are, tears in their eyes as they have the reunion that they have both been waiting for since leaving purgatory.

Dean pulls Castiel forward in a hard embrace, almost too tight. Castiel reciprocates and finds himself holding onto Dean, his fingers clutching at the soft fabric of Dean's shirt. He feels tears running down his cheeks soaking through the collar of Dean's checkered over-shirt. He doesn't care. Dean's own tears are wetting the shirt Castiel is wearing, and Castiel can hear him sniffling.

They embrace for a long time, neither one wanting to be the first to pull apart. Dean laughs, his arms still clutching tightly around Castiel's (more gaunt than before) torso. "This is about the time when Sam walks in", Dean says, but Castiel can only nod and quietly sniffle, tears still falling. This was his home.