A wooden block sat center on the activity table in front of a young, brown-haired boy. Staring upon it with determined eyes, he raised both of his open hands in its direction. For several seconds, nothing happened. Taking a deep breath, the began to tense his muscles and harden his gaze. The wooden block suddenly began to shake slightly as if something inside of it began to stir.
Gritting his teeth, the boy continued to increase the strain he placed upon his body, attempting to obtain a greater level of control. Yet for all the tenseness he put himself through, the square block still refused to do more than shake atop the table's surface.
"Hey, hey, hey..." A voice interjected, causing the youth to lose his concentration. Dropping his hands and breathing out a releasing breath, the boy looked disappointingly down upon the small object, crestfallen from the sense that he had just been defeated by something so insignificant as a block of wood.
"You're going to blow a vein in your head, straining yourself like that," Kai remarked as he knelt down next to where the boy sat among his group: another blonde-haired youth at the same table, two near-humans, a Nagai and a Falleen, currently sculpting clay figures at another station, and one more youngling, of an alien race that Lugo did not recognize, leaning against the nearby wall next to an observing window, studying over a datapad in his hands.
"I don't get it," the young boy whined with a slightly raised pitch. "What am I doing wrong?"
"Everything..." the blonde kid sitting across from him coyly answered, garnering snickers from the others. The boy crossed his arms and began to pout in frustration.
"What your supportive friend means to say," Lugo interjected, eying the blonde youngling with disapproval, "is that you're going about this the wrong way."
"Then what's the right way?" The boy shot back in a frustrated tone. "I've keep trying to hold the stupid block, but-"
"-That is why you failed," Kai quickly interrupted, then slowly stretching his left hand out at the piece of wood. "You do not hold the stupid block, young one. The Force holds the stupid block. And you hold the stupid Force."
Immediately the piece of wood rose from the table, softly hovering one foot above. This kind of technique was not one Kai particularly favored, though he was capable of it well enough.
"How...," the young brown-haired boy muttered as he stared upon the levitating object. "Ugh, how come you can do it so easily?"
"Practice, for one," Kai replied, pointing with his index finger then flicking his wrist, causing the block to spin about rapidly. "Proper understanding, for another."
"What? What don't I understand?"
"Anything," the blonde youth once again interjected, still getting laughs from their other friends. "Come on, Zayne. Haven't you listened to what the Masters have been teaching us?"
"I have too been listening!" the boy shot back. "I just... It's just not as easy for me as it is for you, Shad."
Lugo moved the wooden square to come to rest in the palm of his hand then. "How about we try something a little different then?"
The teenage Padawan then placed the block carefully back atop the table. "I want you to stare at it for a couple of seconds, okay? Now... tell me what you see."
Zayne looked at the piece of wood for a moment, then turned to look upon the Lugo with ridiculing eyes. "It's a wooden block... How long have you been in the Order?"
The boy's friends openly laughed a little louder this time. Kai ignored the taunt. "Alright. Now, try to move it."
"I've done that already. It doesn't work!"
"Come on, just humor me. Nothing to lose, everything to gain, right?"
The young boy sighed heavily, the skepticism apparent in his expression. He then turned back to face the block, staring upon it with pointed focus, then raised both his hands and directed them at it, tensing the muscles within his arms.
Again the wooden block stirred, but only enough to barely be noticeable, shifting slightly to the left and right and nothing more.
"Ugh..." young Zayne cried out in frustration, clenching his fists and teeth. "See? Nothing..."
"Alright – now, close your eyes."
The young boy once again looked skeptically upon the teenager. "What?"
"Close your eyes."
"Why? What will that do?"
"Just a guess, but I think it will make it so you can't see."
His friends quickly getting another laugh at his expense, the boy grumbled loudly before complying. "Alright, they're closed. Now what?"
He's rather impatient for one so young. "Now... try to lift it again, but do not open your eyes."
"How can I do that if I cannot see where it is?"
"Trust the Force to guide your senses. Use it to know where the block is."
Breathing out a heavy breath, Zayne cleared his thoughts and attempted to do as the Padawan suggested. His focused his mind upon what he could sense within the Force. Usually such proved rather difficult for him, but... with his eyes closed he found that he was less distracted, and that what he saw was slightly clearer than usual.
He sensed his friends. He sensed the Padawan standing next to him. And... he sensed the block sitting upon the table, but only vaguely.
"I... I see it."
"Good, focus on what you see," Kai answered in a calm voice. "Now, using that sight and that sight alone, reach out as if you were going to grab it. Keep your mind calm and clear."
Keeping his breathing slow and his eyes shut, the youngling reached forward with his hands. In his mind he felt the ripples of his motions, which reached out farther than he knew his arms did. And as those ripples descended upon the piece of wood, he could feel it. "I have it."
"And now... lift."
As he began to bring his arms up, Zayne saw the object within his mind begin to rise as well, as though gravity had loss all power over it.
"Now... open your eyes."
The youngling slowly allowed his sight to return to him, finding his arms held in the air. And the wooden block hovering effortlessly in front of him.
The boy's eyes bulged then, a wide grin appearing on his face as he was overwhelmed with excitement. "I did it! I can't believe that worked!"
"Neither can I..." Lugo muttered as if shocked by the success. "Not bad, kid. Keep practicing like that, and you'll soon be lifting speeders and star ships with your eyes open."
The boy suddenly became somewhat standoffish in his manner as he now seemed to have trouble looking the teenager in the eye. "Hey, uh, thanks.. really."
"My pleasure." The young Guardian smiled warmly, then holding out a hand. "Your name is Zayne?"
"Yeah, that's right. Zayne Carrick," the boy answered as they shook hands. Then pointing to his friend across the table. "That's Shad Jelevan, and the others are Kamlin, Oojoh, and Gharn."
The younglings politely waved as their names were called out, which Lugo nodded to in recognition.
"A pleasure Zayne, Shad, Kamlin, Oojoh, Gharn. I'm Kai Lugo." The raven-haired Jedi stood back up then, stretching the ache out of his back. "Well, if you need any more help with anything, I'll be around."
"Okay. Well, thanks again, Kai." Zayne replied, with a friendly smile.
With a final nod and smile, Lugo turned around and walked away to move on to check the next group, leaving Zayne and his friends to their own to continue their activities.
Carrick immediately closed his eyes once again and returned to his attempts to levitate the wooden block, happy that he now had something to show off to his mother when she would come to visit him today.
{(---)}
Jedi Masters were expected to be passive in their manner; to portray a sense of balance and integrity that their students would look up to and be able to appreciate.
Quatra felt she was failing to live up to that image at the moment, smiling as she was. But the young Master could not help herself, finding that she enjoyed the sight of the teenage Padawan walking around the training facility, assisting his younger peers in their activities with gentle direction and kind support, maintaining his sarcastic and light-nature personality all the while.
Would that change the longer Kai remained amongst the Jedi, she wondered? Would he become more like her, like Kavar, like Vandar, or even like Vrook? Or perhaps like Revan? Hopefully none of the above, and especially not the latter.
Would she say the Jedi had changed her own personality over the years? Maybe. It was a difficult thing for her or anyone to perceive themselves from an outward perspective. Perceiving how she has changed over the years was even harder, she knew, especially for someone like herself who lived her life so much in the present whilst focused on her students.
If nothing else, she could say that she was more a dedicated and responsible person because of the Order than what she would have been otherwise, but that could probably be said about every Jedi.
Could the same be said about Kai then, even though he was still only a Padawan? As much as he had devoted himself to tending to the younglings within the Coruscant Depths, was the kindness he was showing now any different?
No one beyond those children from long ago would know the answer to that, leaving the matter an unsolvable enigma.
Quatra silently hoped that that part of him would not change; or at least the part of it that did not prove to be a danger to him. The other part – the one that would send him running instinctively towards his sacrificial death – she hoped that she... that they, would be able to save him from it.
She had thought it cruel of herself to have dug so deeply into Lugo's past as she had whilst they were in her private meditation chamber, though necessary to perceive what was needed. Having used the information contained within his personal record, she had intentionally reminded him of the many things he naturally would have desired to have forgotten. And he had responded as she had hoped he would – releasing the echo he contained within himself out upon the Force.
Yet it had been far weaker than before, like a muffled voice behind a door, and Quatra believed she knew why – the same reason why she found so much comfort within her mediation room, among the vines and ferns, among the flowers and leaves, with not a sound amongst all that life. made it easier to hear the Force, to control one's own mind and thoughts, and to suppress sensations that one desires to keep hidden from all others.
But for why it had become stronger over the years Lugo had spent within the Order – that she did not know, and could not venture to guess.
Why had it become stronger? Where was this new pain and suffering coming from?
She had been lost in her own thoughts for too long, she realized as her sight took focus once again, focusing in on Kai, who was now tending to a student that the teacher knew well. Standing up, the young Master casually walked across the room, approaching the Guardian.
{(---)}
"There is no ignorance..." Kai recited.
"There is knowledge," the young girl next to him recited back.
"There is no passion..."
"There is serenity."
"There is no death..."
"There is the Force."
Kai smiled warmly with satisfaction. "There you go. Simple, right?"
"I hate having to memorize stuff like this," the child pouted loudly with a sour face as she crossed her arms, "isn't there some technique we could all learn to, I don't know, beam this stuff into our heads?"
Lugo chuckled lightly at the idea. "Not unless you're a droid."
He then eyed the youngling suspiciously, "You're not, are you?"
The girl's face twisted then as if insulted. "No, I'm not!"
"You sure," the Guardian asked back in a doubtful tone?
"Yes, I'm sure! How could I not be sure?"
"Maybe you're just programmed to think that you're human. Maybe you're actually a droid sent to spy on us for the evil Jawa Empire – the sworn enemies of the Jedi. Say 'utinni'."
"I'm... what?" The girls expression change to complete confusion.
"Stop teasing her, Padawan," Master Quatra said in a annoyed tone as she walked up to the pair who gazed back at her. "He's playing with you, Bastila. He doesn't really think you're a droid."
The youngling looked back at the Guardian, who had lost the ability to maintain his cynical face and instead laughed behind a toothy smile. "Just trying to get you to smile, Miss Shan. You have such a pretty face, it's a shame to let it look so stressed and miserable all the time."
The youngling looked blankly upon Kai for a long moment, then turning her eyes back to the Jedi Master. "Can I get back to my studies?"
Quarta silently nodded. The young girl then passed Lugo one more glance before turning back around to focus on the datapad she had been going over.
Sighing his dissatisfaction, Kai stood backed up. "If you need more help, young one, please don't hesitate to ask."
She did not reply, seemingly as entrenched in her studies as Kai so often witnessed of Atris.
He then politely left the child to her own, stepping away with the Jedi Master at his side.
"Don't let it bother you, Lugo," Quatra advised once they had walked beyond hearing distance of the young girl. "Bastila is rather new here, herself. And she has not taken well to joining the Order. She still needs time to become adjusted."
"I figured it was something like that." Kai stopped then and turned back around to look at the young girl, able to feel the loneliness streaming off of her.
"Sadly, it is around this period of their lives that the Order finds it best to take them in to begin their training."
Kai eyed the Master curiously then. "Sadly?"
There was a distant look in her eyes as she continued to stare in the child's direction. "Sacrifices are a part of life, Kai. Everyone has to make them. Everyone has to live with them. However, it's hard to expect children to make and live with such things."
Once again, Kai found himself in the dark. "What things? What sacrifices?"
Quatra looked upon the teenage Padawan then with uncertainty in her eyes. She could tell he was not insincere in his obliviousness, but she could not understand how that was. How could he not know of such things as sacrifice? How could he not understand that Bastila was upset that she had been taken away from her par-
…
The aged, empty look in Lugo's eyes... it reminded her that he was different. It reminded her...
"I'm sorry, Kai."
The lack of understanding the Padawan felt quickly turned into confusion. "What for?"
"I... forgot that this might be hard for you to understand," Quatra reluctantly explained. "The reason Bastila is having trouble adjusting – she was very close to her father."
Kai's expression leveled off then, turning back into his usual calm demeanor. "You've nothing to apologize for, Master Quatra."
The Jedi Master stared back at the Padawan, this time with the confusion upon her own face.
"I never had parents," Lugo commented in a matter-of-fact tone, sounding completely devoid of any personal investment in his words. "What she must be feeling right now... You're right. I don't understand."
There was nothing unclear of incomplete about what he had said, and yet Kai found the Jedi Master still staring at him as if something was wrong. He did not know what more to say.
...
Why was she looking at him like that?
What was she thinking?
"Is something wrong, Master Quatra?"
"Kai." Quatra suddenly replied.
"Yes?"
"Your mother and father," she said in a serious tone, signifying an importance in the topic that Kai could not surmise. "You may never have known them, but for abandoning you as they did, how does that make you feel?"
What was she expecting him to say that made her look at him in such a way. "I've... wondered why they would have done it, yes, but I can't say I really felt anything regarding it."
Quatra's expression suddenly became that much more intense, as if Lugo's response somehow spoke of something of grave nature.
"And the young ones you tended to before you joined the Order..." she continued.
Kai found himself remembering the image of those young faces from his time in the depths of Coruscant, but as he was more concerned with the students currently surrounding him, the memory felt cloudy. "What about them?
"All that you went through to protect them..." Quatra slowly went on to say, "did you ever... feel that it wasn't right? Or fair?"
The confused look returned to Lugo's face, and that what was Quatra had hoped would not happen.
"What do you mean?" Kai asked, not able to understand the question.
"You were barely alive when you were taken in by the Order," the young Master explained, hoping that she would get a different answer this time. "You were almost dead from all you put yourself through."
Kai continued to look at her the same way – confused and lost at to the Jedi Master's meaning.
"Don't you think that that should not have happened?" Quatra asked in almost a begging tone. "Don't you think that that was wrong for you to have suffered like that?"
The young Guardian did not respond beyond casting the same empty look he always did.
"You nearly lost your life time and time again, Kai." Quatra went on to add, her voice now carrying a hint of aggression. "Does that not matter to you at all?"
"I..." Kai still seemed to have trouble deducing what Quatra was asking him. "I know my death would have made it difficult for the younglings I tended-"
"I'm not asking you how it would have affected them, Kai," the young Master interjected with even more aggression, "I'm asking what it meant to you."
Kai paused for another moment, somewhere between being confused as to what he was being asked and uncertain as to what it meant. But he answered promptly enough to show that he did not have to think hard on it. "Why would it mean anything to me?"
…
He said the very thing that Quatra had prayed against all hopes that he would not.
"You've done enough here."
"What?" Kai responded, caught off guard by the statement.
Quatra face had suddenly gone very stern, as if attempting to hide all emotion. "The session is almost over, so I'll handle the rest."
"I appreciate the offer, Master," Kai responded, trying to sound grateful while still just being confused. "But it's okay. Some of them might still need some guidance, so I'll go ahead and remain until-"
"-I'll handle any questions or needs they might have in the remaining time, Lugo," Quatra once again interrupted in a firm voice. "You were going to go meet with Mical in the training grounds after this, right? He's likely already there waiting for you. I'm letting you go early, Padawan."
She remained stern in her expression the whole time, as though she was forcefully maintaining it. Kai did not understand her sudden drive for him to leave, but could not think of any reason to argue over it. "Well, I appreciate the offer, Master Quatra. Thank you."
"You're... welcome," she replied in what seemed to be her attempt at a calm and even tone.
The tension Kai felt between him and the Jedi Master did not melt away. He did not even understand the reason behind it, only sensing it was there. Unable to think of how to address the sensation and unable to think of anything else to say, Kai simply nodded in acceptance and appreciation, then slowly turning about and heading out the side passage of the activity chamber.
No sooner had Kai disappeared from the room than one of the older students walked up right behind her to ask a question.
"Excuse me, Master," the little boy spoke to the woman's turned back. "I'm having trouble with-"
"-the rest of the session is canceled," Quatra called out loud, only then turning about to face the majority of the mass of Hopefuls. She still maintained her stone look, even as she was met with dozens of staring eyes. "Please clean up your stations and move on to your next class."
She did not wait for the younglings to respond, but immediately turned about and headed out the room in a paced manner, leaving the students staring at her wake, confused as to what what had just happened.
{(---)}
She passed by several among the hallways that noticed her fast pace. The whole time she kept her gaze turned downward, attempting to hide her face. She did not want anyone to see her like this. She was no longer able to hold that stern look she had been struggling to maintain.
But she could not let it sink in. Not yet.
The door to her private chambers came into sight as she rounded the corner. Rapidly she pressed down on the activation pad, causing it to slide open, then stepped through and letting it close behind her.
She was alone now.
Now she allowed it to take hold of her.
Within the darkness of her unlit study, the young Master's head hung low, her breathing shuttering as if cold.
A warmth was building within her eyes, soon proceeding to run down the length of her cheeks.
Tears...
She was crying...
Her hand shot up to cover her mouth as she found herself choking back, overwhelmed by the swell of emotions that had sprung about in that moment between her and Kai, and that she had managed to hold off from consuming her until now.
She understood now. She knew why the echo was getting stronger. And she knew why they had been unable to see the cause. Because they were blind.
Blind! They were all blind, she screamed within her mind! How could none of them have seen it!? How could it have gone unnoticed in all the years that he had been among them! Kavar, Vandar, herself: everyone one of them were blind to it! How could that have been? They were the Jedi!
And they had failed...
Every moment that Kai had been within their Order and none of them had noticed was a failure upon them as his guardians and teachers. So focused were they upon his peculiar nature and its affects that none of them had thought to look at the boy that laid beneath the Force.
Only less than five minutes ago did she herself think to see him in such a way, and only as a passing glance. One look was all it took, and the answer that that had alluded them became so evident that she hated herself for it. It was as if she had held the missing piece of the puzzle within her hand the whole time and was unaware of it because she could not look away from the hole in the image.
How could she have been so blind to what was right in front of her? She was a teacher, a guide. She was meant to be able to help her students in every capacity of their lives – as Jedi and as people. Though she had only known the young Guardian for a count of days, it made her feel none the less guilty in this than any of the other Masters of the Order were.
…
When she had apologized to the young Padawan about overlooking that he never had parents, she had expected to feel an emotional response – a sense of loss or of being deprived – come from the boy. But she felt nothing from him. He did not feel any pain from the matter.
That had caught her attention. For one as young as he was, surely he would feel some sense of pain because of it. Was he not too young to have already experienced the numbness of time? It had made her wonder about other sufferings in Lugo's life: the several years he had pushed himself to the brink of death to fend for the younglings in the Coruscant Depths. She and the other Masters had been so focused on the reason why he was doing it that they had overlooked Kai entirely in the matter. They had been so busy asking themselves what he gained from it to ask why would he have tormented himself like that at all?
And then, while having been standing across from the young Guardian, staring into his emerald green eyes, and seeing no emotion within them in relation to the matter, Quatra had asked another question within her mind. Didn't he care about his own well-being, as all others that lived naturally did?
And then the memories of Kavar's report on the Alleyway Massacre found their way into the woman's thoughts – the part in which the Jedi Master described how he found the young boy sitting quietly in the shadows, covered in painful lacerations and blaster wounds, bleeding profusely, and doing nothing to save his own life...
That was the missing piece, Quatra realized as she had been standing their staring into those green eyes. That was the part that all of them in their ignorance had overlooked.
Yes, even she, the young Master professed to herself in shame. After seeing what she had within her meditation chamber, she had been so certain that the pain that Kai had released upon the Force was a result of suppressed outrage for what had happened to him as a child. She thought it the reason behind his unnatural abilities, and what gave him his survival ability.
She was wrong.
It was not outrage. It was sorrow. Tears. Grief. Pain.
Whatever instinct lying withing Kai Lugo that made him pick up that dagger and kill those three underdwellers in order to protect that young girl back on Coruscant – it did nothing in order to save his own life afterward.
It did not care about his life.
…
Kai did not care about his life. He never did. It was not some instinctual heroism or some passive means of venting anger that drove him to do the brave things he had. Bravery came for those who feared their own suffering yet acted as their conscience dictated. Kai cared nothing about his own suffering, his own losses. He had nothing but his conscience to drive him. For whatever compassion he felt for the sake of others, he did not feel it for his own sake.
He felt no sense of self-value to speak of. In his eyes... he was nothing.
As he had said – why would it have mattered to him whether he lived or died?
"We didn't know..." Quatra whimpered as she crumbled to the ground, covering her face with both hands as her tears of sadness for the boy, and shame for being unable to see it until now, continued to crawl down her cheeks.
They had all failed him. Every moment they had failed to see what he truly suffered from, they had failed him.
"Kai... I'm so sorry. We didn't know. We ... just couldn't see."
Nobody could hear her here.
"I didn't see..."
Nobody could condemn her here.
{(---)}
He had not gone to the training grounds yesterday. After what happened with Revan – after what Master Quatra had told him about his peculiar nature – he felt it best if he avoided picking up a blade until he had at least sorted himself out. With Atris' help, unintentional as it may have been, Kai had found his sense of self-affirmation again. He could trust his hands with a weapon once again.
But he was still hesitant to go back there today. He knew Mical might be waiting for him. Having taken the coward's way out by sending the youngling a note saying that he would not be able to meet with him yesterday, he had promised that today would be absolute. True to his word, Kai was going to go, even if he had to walk there as if having stone bricks tied to his boots.
It seemed almost insane for him to admit to being scared of some adolescent child, but Lugo could not think of any other way to describe what he felt. He was afraid. He feared that Mical would be there waiting for him. Waiting to yell for having blown him off to instead fight that pompous prodigy Revan. Waiting to accuse him of having been reckless and stupid, and of having been out-of-control during that match just like he told Mical never to be. Waiting to turn his back to Kai, just as the Guardian had done to him.
He had hurt Mical, of that he was certain. Maybe not intentionally, but that hardly seemed to matter.
The entrance archway soon came into sight before the young Guardian, the usual sounds of students within training ringing outward. Breathing out a sigh of defeat, Lugo walked the rest of the wall length and turned into the open-aired auditorium.
As expected, he found the place much as he had the last few days he had been in here – the near four-dozen students all busily about, practicing all forms of Jedi combat.
Strangely that consistency did not make Lugo feel any better about being here again, especially as he saw a pair of Padawans currently on the all-too-familiar arena, engaged in a practice bout under the watch of an unrecognized knight.
"Was it too much to hope that they would have dismantled the damn thing..." Kai grumbled under his breath. Doing a quick sweep of the room, he did not spot young Mical amongst the lot.
Had Mical chosen not to show? It would not surprise Kai if that was the case. He decided that he would wait a bit before getting started, not particularly anxious to practice for his own benefit today.
Hoping to blow a few minutes, the raven-haired teenager decided to walk up and stand a good few feet behind the small crowd of students currently watching the bout, an insignificant handful compared the gathering he recalled during his match with Revan, and to spectate along with the rest. Thankfully this time he did not recognize either of the pair currently facing each other on the arena.
"Two and one," the knight firmly stated as the pair of Padawans fell into their combat stances. "Begin."
The two students began their approach on each other, moving with practiced steps, but not exactly confident in their motions from what Kai could see. It was a difficult thing – to read the motions, impulses, and intentions of an opponent, let alone know how to act in response.
{(---)}
Young Lugo's small form practically bounced across the stone tiles of the arena as he flew away from his opponent, losing his grip upon his dulled vibrostaff in the process.
Coming to a stop, the adolescent youth found himself with his face planted in the ground, feeling exhaustion and pain riddled throughout his body. Sweat covered nearly every inch of his skin, and that iron-like taste was on his tongue again – a sign that he had been breathing too hard for too long. Weakly turning his head just enough so that he could open one eye, he looked to his opponent, who stood calmly at the other side of the platform, holding a twin set of training vibroblades within his hands.
"I've told you before, Padawan," Kavar spoke with distaste for the adolescent youngling's predicament, "You mustn't attempt to challenge my physical strength. You're too small for that. Dodge, parry, but do not counter my attacks. You won't be able to hold them back as you are."
He had to try to be certain, Kai joked, making fun of his own stupidity in thinking that perhaps he would be able to hold his own against the famed Jedi Guardian's raw strength.
"Hurry up and grab your weapon again, young Lugo. We are not done just yet."
Without complaint or hesitation, the young boy worked his way back to his feet. He cursed himself for not having controlled his fall better as he limped over to the vibrostaff.
The intensity of his combat training had been like this for nearly a year now, ever since that incident with the speeder that had crashed into the crowded walkway. Kai could not remember the event clearly, only snaps of images and sounds. He remembered the crash. He remembered the screaming civilians running in every direction in a panic.
He remembered the young girl being attacked by those underdwellers, and that he had picked up a dagger one of them had dropped in order to defend that child. After that, things just got blurry in his head. Only one other image was clear within his mind after that: the sight of Kavar pinning him against the wall while the Jedi Master grasped at the wound crossing his own chest with his free hand. A wound that Kai was apparently responsible for, he had come to learn.
"Kai."
The young Padawan awoke from his thoughts at the sound of his name, finding himself staring downward at his weapon as it laid on the ground. He quickly turned his head to look in the Jedi Master's direction.
"I sense your guilt, Lugo. You were thinking about it again," Kavar stated, indifferent in his gaze. "I told you to forget about it."
"Master..." Kai responded in a weak voice. "I just... I don't-"
"-You were not aware of your actions at the time, Lugo," the Guardian interrupted, "you had lost a lot of blood and were near-dead. You could not have known what you were doing."
Kai wished he could believe that, but with the holes in his memory, all he found he had was doubt.
"Think of it this way, Padawan," Kavar added, "I am training you like this so you will never find yourself like that again. I have already shown you combat forms more advanced than any common for someone of your age, and have given you the right to carry a lightsaber, even going so far as to afford you one of your own personal preference."
True enough, the young boy supposed.
"You will achieve nothing by dwelling on something you cannot change. So let's focus instead on the things you can."
It sounded simpler than the young Padawan was finding it to be – letting go of his mistake. Still, he heard the wisdom in the Jedi Master's words enough to listen to them.
Aching with every motion, Kai knelt down and picked up the vibrostaff once again. "One more round then, Master?"
{(---)}
A weak tugging sensation on the back of his robe pulled Kai from his memories. Finding himself staring emptily in the direction of the arena where the pair of students were still amidst their match, he quickly turned around. "Mical?"
The young blonde child stood before him, looking up at him with those big blue eyes of his as if this was the first time they had seen each other in a long time. "Kai?"
They both paused, neither appearing to know what they should say next.
The youngling managed to think up something first. "How... how's your leg?"
"Uh, good, I guess," the young Guardian replied, looking down at it and tapping the tip of his boot against the ground a couple of times to show the validity of his words. "It's still attached, so that must count for something."
The young boy smiled weakly, but refrained from laughing. He was unsure of himself, Kai realized. The boy no longer knew how to react to him... and that bothered Lugo immensely, confirming his own anxieties that that whole incident earlier with him and Revan had indeed frightened and hurt the youngling.
He knew he needed to fix this.
Falling down to one knee, Kai came to eye level with the hopeful, who seemed confused by Lugo's change in stance.
"Mical."
"Ye... yes?"
"I..." Kai found his own anxieties attempting to hold him back. Stabbing through his own fears, he forced himself to continue. "I am so sorry..."
The youngling responded as if completely caught off guard by this. "Wha... why? What for?"
"I was here to train with you, not to engage in some meaningless bout," Lugo explained in a shamed voice, "It was unfair to you, and I know it bothered you."
Young Mical knew he would be lying if he said it did not, but he certainly had not expected the elder student to bring it up like this, let alone apologize. "Kai, you don't really have to apologize."
"Yes, I do," the young Guardian retorted back immediately, smiling warmly to the child. "It's something that a friend does when they've acted like a jerk. And I've acted like a big jerk."
The youngling seemed reluctant to share in the humor – reluctant to smile even anymore. Rather he just stood there for the longest moment, looking back at his senpai with a uneasy expression. "Kai... why did you..."
The small boy paused in his words, either unable to find them, or hesitant to give them voice.
Uncertainty claimed Lugo's expression then. "Why did I what?"
"Why didn't you tell me," Mical finally finished with a touch of aggression in his voice in order to force the words out.
Kai did not respond, completely unable to guess what the youngling was talking about.
"When you fought Revan," the youngling continued, "I mean... I couldn't believe what I was seeing. You were... amazing."
...
Amazing?
No one had ever accused him of being amazing.
Kai did not know what the kid was talking about.
"I mean... you were dodging, and blocking, and attacking, sometimes it looked like all at the same time," the boy seemed to fall into his own words, "you moved too fast for me to even follow, and then dodging all those flying blades-"
"Mical..."
"-and then flying through the air like a hawk, and-"
"Mical!" Kai called out a little louder, snapping his fingers in order to grab the kid's attention. "What exactly is it that I did not tell you?"
"That you were that good," the boy immediately responded this time. "I mean, I knew you were better than me, but I didn't know you were... well, that good."
Of all the things the young boy could have been angry at him about... the young Guardian rubbed at the side of his temple, finding that this was starting to give him a headache. "Why, exactly, is that important to you?"
"I just..." the Hopeful sighed heavily, his gaze falling downward, "I feel like, maybe like I've been a hindrance to you."
Lugo's left hand immediately stretched out and flicked the young boy hard between his eyes.
"Ow! Hey!" the child cried out as he grabbed at his head, "What was that for?"
"For being stupid," Kai immediately responded with heavy irritation in his voice. "I may have been thoughtless in my actions the other day, Mical, but there's a line between being thoughtless and being downright idiotic. If I didn't want to practice with you, I wouldn't practice with you."
The boy gazed at the teenager then, complete perplexity filling his face. "But... why? As good as you are, you can't possibly be getting anything out of it."
"Am I going to have to flick you again?" The seriousness within the Padawan's green eyes made it evident that that was no empty threat. "I enjoy helping you train, Mical. I enjoy having seen how much stronger you've gotten in so little a time. I enjoy that I can flick you on the head and you can't do anything to stop me."
The boy's expression went into something like disbelief as he saw the snide smile upon Kai's lips. That disbelief was quickly replaced with a look of proud offense. "I can too stop you."
"Not as you are now, you can't," the elder student replied, the arrogant smirk quickly changed into a friendly grin. "But I can fix that, if you'll let me."
The young boy quietly looked up to his senior, quickly bearing a smile of his own. "I'll make you pay for every stinging blow before you go back to Coruscant."
"I'm sure you will. So... let's get started."
Kai began to walk in the direction of the nearest wall stand, the youngling right in tow next to him.
This had turned out better than he had hoped. All the anxieties he had to fight pass in order to face the young boy again had melted away now, and he felt the relief washing through him.
All things considered, the day had been a very enjoyable one for him.
{(---)}
"He's suicidal?"
"Yes, Master Vandar," Quatra weakly confirmed as she stood before him in the Council Chamber, hanging her head in an attempt to hide her dry red eyes.
Vandar sat quietly within his chair for several seconds, taking in the revelation with his own feelings of distress as to what it meant. Nothing within Quatra's voice hinted at doubt or uncertainty, making him inclined to believe her words and all that they meant. "This is... an unexpected development, Master Quatra. We've never seen anything to indicate such a claim before."
"We weren't looking in the right place, Master Vandar," the young teacher corrected, her statement aimed as much at herself as at anyone else.
"What exactly brought you to this conclusion?"
"After his confrontation with Revan, I had told Kai to come speak with me privately in my chambers that night ," Quatra explained, not having the strength of conviction to hide anything anymore. "I... decided that after their entanglement, it was unfair for him to be left oblivious to the possible danger he places himself in."
"You told him of his bonding?"
"No. Only of his instinctual drive to place himself at risk for the sake of others. I spoke nothing of the... effects he exhibits on those around him. But I also confronted him about his past, hoping to recreate the instance that lead to the phenomenon, and I was successful."
"Where was this?"
"In my meditation chamber. I had a suspicion that Lugo could maintain a limited amount of control over its intensity of the echo by keeping his mind clear and focused, and used my chamber as a means of assisting him with it."
"That was a big risk, Quatra," Vandar noted with a tone of objection.
"Yes, but I felt it necessary in order to help him, and to see if it could occur without bringing more harm to anyone else."
Again, the elderly Jedi Master could not say he condoned the teacher's actions, but again that proved a moot point for them now. But something about the woman's choice of words caught his attention then, and his brow twisted to indicate it. "More harm?"
The young woman raised her head then, needing to look into the little alien's eyes to find the strength she needed to say what she knew she must now. "I lied to the Council, Master Vandar, and I forced my students to lie as well. On that day when the echo occurred, my class was in deep meditation on the outskirts of the Dantooine Slopes. The echo tore through their entrenched minds like a frightful gale, causing many of them to scream in agony from the sensation, a few even so overpowered by it that they passed out. Yet after they had withdrawn from their meditations, none of them seemed capable of sensing the presence of the echo. And I ordered them not to speak of it."
She expected him to react almost immediately to her confession in some fashion: anger, disappointment, disgust – any of the several emotions Quatra was feeling towards herself right then. Instead, Vandar's expression did not show any sign of reacting beyond continuing to look back at her with his calm, clear gaze. All he did in response was ask a simple question.
"Why did you do this, Quatra?"
She needed not to think on her answer, having reminded herself of it every day since having made that decision. "I was afraid, Master Vandar. I was afraid for Lugo, and how the Council would react to this. For whatever danger Kai represents, I could not find it within myself to condemn him for it. And I did not want the other Masters doing so."
The little green alien listened to her words with quiet contemplation, and if it was any other Master, Quatra would have been doubtful in his intent. But there was a reason that she had called for Vandar and not the others.
"Quatra, I am afraid I must inquire about your state of mind."
If it had been any other situation, or anyone other than Vandar, such would have seemed a rather offensive inquiry, but given the nature of Lugo's ability to form bonds, it was not improper to have such concerns.
The irony of it made the young woman smile slightly in amusement as she gave her response. "I am a teacher, Master Vandar. I have always held my loyalty to the protection and guidance of my students above all else. And I never expected that such a loyalty would come into conflict with my role as a Councilmember. But I also never expected to have such a unique student like Kai Lugo. So no, I do not feel that Kai has had any influence on my decisions. I made them knowingly. Willingly. I also don't feel that my decision to hide the incident has placed the other students in danger, though I know some of the other Masters would not share that view. But I believe Kai's place within the Order is worth the chance. We did not take him in only to cast him aside when he needed us."
Vandar's eyes fell away for a moment as his hand began to lightly rub his chin, as if in deep contemplation. "I will have to think more upon this before deciding what should be done, Master Quatra. For now, I will not speak of your actions to the other Masters. I am not validating your decision to hide this from us, though I understand your reasons. But you must remember Quatra, it is not just Kai's life we are responsible for. We are trusted to keep all of our students safe. And though it may seem unfair, we cannot trade the possible endangerment of many for the sake of one."
"I know," the young teacher conceded in a defeated tone.
"Regardless, the danger Kai represents to the other students is not evident at this point, despite what happened to your class out on the fields, so I feel we should not act upon it until we know more," Vandar went on to add, "I am more concerned about what you said you have discovered about Kai. That he seeks his own death... how did you come to believe this?"
Thinking back on it now, the young Master ordered her thoughts to better explain herself. "As I said – during our conversation within my chambers, I managed to perceive the echo far more closely than when we first felt it. Much of the sound, the pain, was as I suspected, Master Vandar – thousands of voices resounding together, intensifying the echo as a whole. Kai carries the suffering of the younglings he tended to in his years prior to the Order within him still. But the reason why it has become stronger was something else entirely – a different source of pain."
"Another source?"
"Himself – Kai is the source that is feeding the echo, and making it stronger. It is his own pain that fills him now, yet he is completely oblivious to it."
That remarked seemed to confuse the Master, as if he himself could not understand how that was possible. "He is oblivious to his own suffering? How can that be?"
It was getting harder for Quatra to keep herself decent as she knew she must. Attempting to press past the swell of emotions within her, she continued. "I discovered this but an hour ago, when I spoke with him whilst amidst handling a training session. The subject of parents had come up, and I had apologized to the Padawan for not considerate to the fact that he was an orphan. But he rejected by apology – saying he felt nothing concerning it. Much to my horror, I found he was telling the truth. I had never met someone so young who felt nothing towards the fact that they were abandoned. And the fact that Lugo did struck me as unnatural and raised my suspicions that something was wrong that we had overlooked about him. I then asked him about all the suffering and abuse he went through as a child, thinking – hoping – that it would cause some sort of emotional reaction within him. Something that would counter my own fears. But he..."
Quatra trailed off for a bit, covering her eyes in a final effort to hold back the grief. And though Vandar saw this, he could not bring himself to condemn her for it.
Taking a moment longer, Quatra slowly pulled her hand away and opened her eyes once again, a coldness within them now guarding her resolve. "Kai... he has no sense of self-value beyond what others give him. No pride beyond what others afford him. Whatever pain and suffering he endured in the Coruscant Depths, unless it was relative to those he took care of, it was meaningless to him. The wounds on his body, his mind, to have been abandoned by his parents within that awful place – it doesn't reach him. He cares nothing for the fact that he nearly starved to death in that desolate place, or that he almost died after his confrontation with those underdwellers in the Alleyway Massacre. Seeing that clearly now, I came to realize something we had overlooked – that if it had not been for our intervention, Kai would have just allowed himself to starve and bleed to death without any attempt to save his own life. He did not want to save it."
As he listened to Quatra's words, Vandar found that the image they painted began to quickly make sense to him, like puzzle pieces falling into place. The look on his face quickly became very troubled.
"We thought that this uncontrollable nature of his only drove him to help others," Quatra continued to explain. "We were wrong, and may he forgive us for it. Kai – part of him is looking for a reason to die – to validate his existence by offering his very life to a cause. It's what he's always done. He wanted to die for those younglings he gathered to him. He wanted to die for that little girl he defended from that pack of thugs. He wanted to die... long before either of us even knew him, Master Vandar. He just doesn't know it. And I believe the only thing that kept him going all those years was the desire to prove useful to the Jedi now."
It was not an issue that either of the two Masters were familiar in dealing with – a student among their number who subconsciously was seeking his own death. As much as they tried to model themselves on being individuals above the trivial squabbles of a personal life, this was forcing them to look in a direction that they were unaccustomed to admitting to – a sense of self-value. Jedi were meant to find value in their lives by devoting themselves to the causes of the Order, but that did not mean that they were not meant to value their lives as individuals as well. Indeed, the two Masters would both argue that it was the value of life as individuals that brought them the joy they found in being Jedi.
So what were they to do when faced with a life that held no value for itself?
"You believe that this tendency is a passive response to the pain he's suffering. Yet how is he not aware of it?"
"I..." It threatened to overwhelm her again. Not wanting to let her emotions control her anymore than they already had, she bit down hard on her bottom lip for a moment, the pain being enough to pull her from the grasp of the overwhelming feelings. This... situation – the emotional weight of it was not something she was used to. "I can only imagine what sacrifices he forced upon himself in order to survive in the underbelly of Coruscant, Master Vandar. He is but a young teen, and yet from what I saw within his record, his body is riddled with scars where he has been shot, beaten, burnt and stabbed – and I do not know what horrid memories lie within his mind from all those years ago. I believe he had to find a way to survive all that, both physically and mentally, and I think that this was how he did it – by instinctively cutting off his awareness of his own suffering. But it didn't disappear. It found another way to express itself – through the echo that we have experienced. And if left alone, I have no doubt that it will eventually destroy him. It's already tried."
The magnitude of the situation was graver than either of the two Masters were accustomed to, and far from being similar to anything that they had faced before. Saving their students from themselves was a more common practice of Jedi Masters in the sense of guiding their pupils passed their egos, pride, and arrogance – all the delusions of self-greatness born of their powers. How were they then to save a student who had none of these qualities – who saw no value in his own life – and to help him see and accept the pain he was suffering so that he may overcome it?
"The Council will be meeting tomorrow morning," Vandar went on to say. "I will leave it up to you on how, or whether, we should bring this to the attention of the other Masters, Quatra."
The young woman's eyes glared in confusion. "Why?"
"Because I believe that you truly do have the young Padawan's best interests at heart, as a Jedi and as a teacher. The Council's duty is to act on the behalf of our Order as a whole. But... I too have misgivings about whether the Council would be able to accept Kai for what he is."
That was not something Quatra ever thought to hear from the elderly Jedi.
"But I must warn you, Master Quatra – if Lugo causes another event like the last, then I'm afraid that our time to assist him will be at an end. We cannot, will not, risk the well being of our other students anymore than we are doing so now."
"I know, Master," Quatra replied with a nod of acceptance.
"His time here is almost through, Master Vandar. He will be going back to Coruscant in two days. What can I possibly do for him then?"
The elderly Master was about to respond when another voice cut in.
"Excuse me, Masters."
Quatra turned about to find a protocol droid walking into the Council Chamber.
"I apologize for interrupting you, but I have a note to deliver to you from Knight Atris." A small slip of folded paper resided within the machine's hand.
"A note? Where is she?" Quatra asked.
"She is currently within the Conclave's temple, and was in deep meditation before I left."
The piece of paper softly levitated out of the droids grasp and into Master Vandar's awaiting hand. He then calmly unfolded it and read its content. A couple of seconds passed before he finished, at which point Vandar lowered the parchment from in front of him and Quatra could see the deep look of concern return to his eyes.
"Droid," the elderly Master spoke, "Please locate Padawan Lugo and bring him here as quickly as possible."
"Yes, Master," the machine replied, immediately turning about and heading out of the room.
"What's going on," Quatra asked, sensing that something unfavorable had occurred?
"The situation has apparently changed even more, Master Quatra," Vandar replied as he handed the note over to the young teacher.
Quatra read through the document rapidly, and finding her reaction matched her senior's.
"It seems that Kai and Atris may be here for a little while longer than expected." Vandar explained.