Chapter 4: Constant Knot

It has been two weeks since Castiel awoke at the Winchester's new home, wingless and all. Castiel looks at the walls surrounding him, the same feeling of trapped enclosure that he has become accustomed to. Castiel sits up a little more in his bed, pulling his knees up tight underneath his chin. Almost every night was like this. Castiel drops his head onto his knees, feeling the small emptiness in his heart again.

Walls closing around him, bare and empty. He looks around, raising his head from his knees, and he feels dizzy again. Who knew that being human was to feel so trapped? Castiel reaches around himself, right arm over his left shoulder, and rubs the reminiscent area where he once had wings. His left hand clutches at the sheets, pulling them tight.

Trying not to let his eyes fill with water, he blinks and goes back to his well rehearsed calming technique. Breathing in and out slowly, Castiel can feel the room begin to settle again. He knows that sleep is vital, but each night he wanders between the nightmares in his head to the nightmare of his waking life. Never sleeping more than several hours at a time, he wakes with a start. How unguarded and unsafe, this necessary evil of sleep.

Castiel can't help but hate this room. This empty room that makes him feel even more empty as a human. He has his own room, and Dean had been pretty ecstatic over this idea. Castiel just couldn't understand it. He didn't even feel safe. He felt alone. It didn't help that his room was the furthest from the others, down a dark and narrow hallway. Castiel hated the darkness too.

Who knew. He had been the purest light before, and now he was human. And the darkness was encroaching. Castiel hates these moments. When he is drifting between dreams, when he awakens and has only himself to comfort himself. When his metaphysical questions seem to drown out all other thoughts.

"I need to take a walk" Castiel says, prepping himself a little. Really, the dark hallway outside this room was more of a foe than he would normally like to admit. He plants both feet firmly on the cold, hard, wooden floor. It just takes one step, one more reminder of his own physical being, and Castiel feels calmer. Gaining control of body and limb was satisfying. If only the mind's rampant thoughts were so easy to control.

Castiel opens the door to his room, peering into the dark hallway. A small sliver of light shines from beneath a door, a small light to guide by. Castiel smiles inwardly, thankful for the light that pushed the dark away just the tiniest amount. He walks forward, slowly. He found himself roaming the hallway and main room of the bunker almost every night. It was the only way he could keep himself from losing himself in his mind.

Tonight though, another light was on. Someone was awake! As Castiel turned the corner, he saw the light was coming from beneath the door to Dean's room. Castiel looked at the watch on his wrist, a gift from Sam that he was extremely thankful for. It was nearly 3am, and Castiel was a bit surprised that Dean was still awake. Sometimes he missed being able to hear Dean's prayers, and even occasionally, Sam's. He wondered who they prayed to now?

Castiel listened for a moment outside the door, before knocking softly.

"Uh, come in?" Dean's voice says hesitantly.

Castiel opens the door slowly, hoping he isn't intruding. Dean is sitting on the edge of his bed, one hand holding what looks like a photograph, which he puts down on his nightstand as soon as their eyes meet.

"I'm sorry Dean, I just...could not sleep. I saw your light was on." Castiel says, apologetically. He feels as if he has walked in on a private moment. He wishes, not for the last time, that he was still able to hear Dean's prayers.

"That's fine Cas, not a big deal," Dean says, "how have you been sleeping anyway?"

Castiel still hasn't quite grasped the finer nuances with lying, and he hates lying anyway, especially to Dean. So he goes for the truth instead.

"Actually, I find it very difficult to do."

Dean smiles kindly and motions for Castiel to sit down in one of the chairs positioned close to the bed. Castiel obliges, closing the door behind him. Dean's room was full of things, which surprised Castiel sometimes. Dean wasn't really one for material possessions, but he had poured his whole life into his room. Castiel enjoyed this room. It was a stark contrast to his own. This one had someone in it who was real. Castiel supposed what he liked most was that this was so full of soul. The broken pieces of Dean; the weapons that he had used to cut down so many, but also the sides of humanity that were so heartbreakingly beautiful. Castiel sometimes heard Dean playing a record and singing along to it, unaware that anyone could hear. That was something Castiel loved about humanity, and part of why he had been adamant to save them.

"I have trouble sleeping too Cas. You know, after what we've seen, I think that's normal. It would be weird to be able to sleep like a baby!" Dean says with a small laugh, and a hand gesturing towards Sam's room.

Castiel can feel himself relaxing. Maybe most humans went through the same terrifying moments in the dark, wondering the meaning of everything. He looks at Dean, who has swung his legs around to the other side of the bed now to face Castiel. Dean's eyes look tired, and slightly red around the corners. He looks more pale, most likely due to him hiding out indoors and caring for this fallen angel. His freckles on his nose stand out more now, which Castiel has never noticed before. For some reason, this makes Dean look so much younger.

"What do you think of the darkness Dean?" Castiel asks, the words bubbling out of his mouth before he has a chance to restrain them. He squints his eyes at Dean, hoping that this question wasn't too strange.

"I don't think I know what you mean. Like, the physical darkness when there's no light? Or do you mean, just you know...bad stuff in the world?" Dean says, pursing his lips a little bit and looking to the side a bit. Castiel loved this so much about Dean. He could literally see the cogs of his mind working, following down the millions of pathways of responses. Again, this was what Castiel had fallen for initially. These moments in human existence that were so precious.

Castiel takes a deep breath, preparing to explain himself.

"As you know, angels exist in celestial wavelengths of light, a light so brilliant and strong that human eyes can not behold..." Castiel begins, eying Dean's expressions as he continues. "When I woke up as a human, it was like being bathed in darkness."

A moment passes between them, Dean listening intently. He motions with his hands for Cas to continue.

"See, I was used to being the brightest thing in the room. You couldn't see it; human eyes couldn't perceive. I had never been immersed in darkness, because I was the light."

Dean nods a little bit, slowly, and understanding. "Cas, we all knew that you were an immeasurable ball of light, larger than us all. You know, you still shine though."

Castiel reels back a little bit. He was always caught off-guard with these new moments passing between them. He'd noticed Dean had been letting down all defenses, but he it still shocked him when Dean said words that were so kind. Poetic! Although, he knew all along that was Dean's core; he'd seen and felt Dean's soul. Dean was indeed the righteous man, but he was also so much more.

Castiel laughs nervously, not sure where to look. Now he had made it awkward. "Dammit" he thinks, cursing himself for his lack of communication skills. He spent too much time thinking and analyzing. His raises his eyes slowly from the ground and meets Dean's open expression. Castiel figured that he could just look at Dean, the way he used to. When he was an angel, it was much easier to read Dean. Although, it had been getting easier lately as well.

Dean breaks the silence, with another small laugh as he swings his legs onto the bed and leans his head back on his pillow, his arms behind his head.

"I didn't mean to sound so serious Cas, but you know what I am saying right?"

Castiel nods and grins as well, a small idea in his mind. "Dean, would you mind if I asked you a favor?"

"Sure thing"

"Do you think I would be able to watch over you as you sleep? I know you kind of hate-"

"That's fine, Cas", Dean interrupts.

Castiel looks at Dean shocked. His eyes go wide, while he watches Dean crawl underneath the white linen on the bed and pull his head down onto his pillow.

"Just don't make any noise, or I'll kill you. I need at least four hours tonight and it is 4am" Dean says, his voice muffled slightly by his pillow.

Castiel smiles happily and shakes his head a little bit, closing his hands together in his lap. He had watched Dean sleep many more times than Dean knew. This was familiar and comforting. Castiel could feel his chest swelling with pride a little bit. The many times he had protected Dean, while Dean fought his own demons in his mind. Castiel understood this a lot more now, and was glad to have spent so much of his own time, defending a helpless and slumbering human.

Castiel leans back in his chair slightly, and puts his feet up on the edge of Dean's bed. His eyes feel heavy, and his ears drink in sound of the slow rhythmic breathing coming from the man under the covers. Castiel can feel his head drooping as the constant knot in his gut continues to unwind itself, just a bit more each day.