Chapter 6: Until We Bleed

Castiel is standing awkwardly in front of Dean. They are dressed in similar clothing, Castiel's clothing being Dean's of course. Dean is wearing a black undershirt, with jeans. Castiel is wearing jeans as well, that hang a little low as usual, but he has borrowed a belt from Sam's room. His shirt is a plain white undershirt that seems to fit better than most of Dean's other shirts. Castiel rubs his hands through his hair, noticing that it seems a bit longer than normal. He was thankful that the Winchesters didn't really mind what he looked like. He is sure he has adopted the look of someone who could be found on the streets. He keeps forgetting to shave until Dean makes some small comment about it, in which case, Castiel feels self conscious and attempts to shave without cutting his face up terribly. He was unsuccessful 90% of the time.

Castiel wasn't sure what Dean had planned for them today, but he was sure that he probably wouldn't enjoy it. Dean had actually gotten dressed, which wouldn't have surprised Castiel a year ago, but that was the case lately. If Dean didn't have somewhere to be, he was content to lounge in his pajamas and robe. This was advantageous for Castiel since it meant he always he lots of clothing to borrow from Dean.

Dean tilts his head to the right, then to the left. This is apparently his way of stretching. He looks at Castiel and grins a little. He still hasn't told Castiel what they are going to be doing. Castiel groans a little bit, hoping that Dean hears it. Dean either doesn't hear, or chooses to ignore it.

"So, uh, I've been thinking," Dean looks expectantly at Castiel half expecting to be taunted. "You are a great fighter Cas, you can and have beat the shit out of me".

Castiel frowns at this, not wanting to remember. He glares a little bit at Dean for bringing it up, but Dean has already turned his back to Cas and is rummaging through a box on the floor by their feet.

"The thing is though, you aren't an angel now. You don't have the same magical strength and stuff. So I was thinking that I should start to help train you and whatever," Dean says as he turns back to Castiel.

Castiel narrows his eyes as he sees a knife in each of Dean's hands. He hadn't made up his mind about what he wants to do with himself now. He wasn't ever cut out to be a soldier or a fighter, that much he knows. Every time he was one, he managed to make everything worse. Castiel struggles to find the right words to say, knowing that it was not always best to be extremely blunt.

"I don't think I want to hunt, or that I even can hunt" he says, hoping that the last part will soften the blow.

Dean's face falls, and his mouth tightens into a straight line. Every inch of his body seems to tense up and his breathing becomes more ragged. Castiel breathes in, and breathes out. He knew the warning signs, of when Dean was going to shut him out. Dean could be cold, and unwavering. They'd been avoiding this topic for a while, but it was like a ticking time-bomb. The topic was under each layer of conversation, neither one wanting to lift the blanket. Castiel had stopped asking Dean and Sam to tell him what he had done while he was under Naomi's control. This was something that both brothers were obviously in total agreement about: they were not going to tell Cas, not yet anyway. If now was when they were going to have this conversation, then why not. Dean was already pissed, as far as Cas could tell.

"What do you mean, you don't want to hunt? What do you want to do? Go live some apple-pie life; find yourself a wife and become a salesman?!" Dean says, always knowing how to cut where it hurt. Castiel might be human now, but he wasn't stupid. He knew exactly to what Dean was referring, and he wasn't fighting fair.

Castiel sighs loudly and steps toward Dean, hoping that he is still able to be slightly intimidating, as he once was as an angel. "Dammit Dean, that is not what I meant and you know it," Castiel says, his voice lowering into an almost inaudible hiss. "You won't even tell me how I become human...then I'm to follow you on blind trust into everything, and then you expect me to kill?!"

Castiel can feel his own anger simmering beneath the surface. He rarely lost control, but this was starting to feel like one of those moments. It was unfair, and what right did Dean have to assume that Castiel would want to fall into a life of killing and saving people, who would die someday anyway. In the back of his mind, Castiel regrets thinking that, but he is too angry to care right now. He was treated as a child too often, and Castiel had a little too much pride to take it for much longer.

Dean's eyes glaze over, his own rage burning inside. His jaw is repetitively clenching and un-clenching, and his hands have balled into fists over the handles of the swords in his hands.

"Screw you, Cas", Dean says, stepping close to Castiel. Castiel wishes for a moment that Dean would just hit him. It might make them both feel better. Dean is standing so close, their noses are nearly touching. For a second, Castiel again notices the small freckles on Dean's nose. He hates himself for this. Dean's lips are snarled into a menacing shape, and his eyes are dead. If Castiel didn't know Dean so well, he would probably be running right now. In fact, now that he'd thought of it, running seemed like a good idea.

"Fine. I will go." Castiel says, his own lips formed into a hard line, eyes narrowed. He notices briefly that his hands are also clenched and his palms are wet. He has to get out of here, he has to think, and he can't look at Dean anymore. Not like this.

"Door is right there." Dean says, motioning to the front door as he throws his knives onto the floor beside Castiel. Dean starts to stride back towards his bedroom, his shoulder knocking into Castiel's, a bit too hard to be accidental. Castiel can feel his heart pounding and his head is pulsating with each beat. He doesn't want to be left standing here, so he walks as quickly as he can without running and opens the front door. He briefly considers looking behind him, before deciding that Dean could also go "screw himself", and Castiel slams the door as he steps outside.

It is dark outside, and Castiel lingers for a moment before ascending the stairs that led to a black and empty street.