Chapter Thirty-Nine
Clarity
Ponyboy slept restlessly through the night, tossing and turning for hours on end while periodically waking himself up with violent coughing fits that left him gasping for breath. Soda got even less sleep than Pony did as he did his best to comfort his brother throughout the night, holding him and rubbing his back as he coughed. Soda got up several times to get Pony cold glasses of water and cool cloths for his head in an attempt to control his fever. Darry was woken up by the commotion as well a few times and came in to help, but Soda kept on insisting he go back to bed since he had to work in the morning and Soda had the day off.
"Soda," Pony coughed miserably. It was almost four in the morning and Soda was sitting on the edge of the bed running a cool facecloth over Pony's forehead.
"What is it, baby?" Soda asked gently.
Pony looked up at him with hazy eyes. "I'm glad you're here," he murmured, clearly only half aware of what was going on because of his high fever.
Soda paused for a minute as he was taken off guard by the statement. He looked down at his little brother and gave him a small smile. "I'm glad I'm here too, Ponyboy," he said quietly. "Try and get some sleep, okay?"
Pony nodded lightly as his eyes fluttered shut once more. Soda reached over and gently brushed Pony's hair off his forehead before laying down next to him, figuring he should try and get some sleep himself. But Pony's statement was still echoing in his head. He remembered Pony telling him about the letter they had received from the army and how he spend the entire day thinking that he had lost his brother. What if Soda really hadn't come back? There were days when he was struggling where he would think that things would have been better for Darry and Pony if he hadn't returned. Sure his brothers would have mourned, he had told himself, but then they would have gone on with their lives. Wouldn't they?
As Soda looked at Pony as he slept he could vividly remember the week that he had run away with Johnny. Both him and Darry had been terrified that Pony would never make it home. So many things could have happened to him while he wasn't in their care. Would he have gotten over it if Pony never came home? Would he have mourned and then simply gone on with his life? Probably not.
Pony coughed hard in his sleep and as Soda watched him he felt his heart twist in his chest. He hated seeing Pony so sick. But at least he was here to see it. At least he was here to comfort him and make sure he takes his medicine stays hydrated. At least he was here to run cool cloths over his forehead. Suddenly Soda was hit was a very strong feeling that he was exactly where he was supposed to be. So much over the last year he had felt so out of place, even among his own friends and family. None of that seemed to matter anymore though. He was Pony's big brother. He was here to help Darry take care of him. And even with his injury he was still able to do that. That was all that mattered right now.
Soda must have nodded off because the next thing he knew there was light coming in through the window. He looked over at Pony and saw that he seemed to be resting comfortably. He reached over and gently placed the back of his hand against Pony's forehead. He still felt really warm, but at least he was getting some rest.
Soda rolled over and carefully climbed out of bed so as not to wake him. He grabbed his cane from where it leaned up against the wall and began limping out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He heard movement coming from the kitchen so he figured it must still be early and Darry probably hadn't left for work yet. Sure enough as he entered the kitchen he found Darry moving around.
"Hey Darry," Soda said as he slid into a seat at the table.
Darry turned to look at him. "Mornin' Soda," he said. He looked at him carefully and Soda knew he must look beat. It had been a long night. "How's Pony doin'?"
"He's still real hot, but at least he sleepin' now," Soda said.
Darry nodded. "Did you manage to get much sleep last night?"
"I got a few hours I think," he said.
"Thanks for doin' that, Soda," Darry said.
"Of course, Darry," Soda said easily. "We're family, right? That hasn't changed."
Darry smiled at him. "Right," he said. He grabbed his tool belt off the counter. "I gotta get goin'. I left some eggs on the stove for you. There's more soup in the ice box for Pony. And I left the number for my work site by the phone so you can call if you need anything. Try and get some sleep yourself too, you look exhausted."
"It'll be fine," Soda assured him. "We'll see you tonight."
"See you," Darry said as he headed out.
Soda got to his feet to fetch his breakfast as he listened to Darry's truck start up and rumble out of the driveway. He ate quietly by himself, deep in thought. When he had finished he went back to check on Pony, who was resting fitfully again. He woke him long enough to take his temperature, which had dropped down to 101.6 to Soda's relief, and give him his medicine before coaxing him to go back to sleep. He figured he'd wake Pony up again around lunch time and try to get him to eat something.
He decided to stretch out beside Pony and try to get some sleep himself since he could barely keep his eyes open. He carefully climbed into bed and practically fell asleep before his head even hit the pillow.
It was several hours later before Soda began to stir again. As he slowly blinked back into consciousness he immediately looked over at Pony who seemed to be resting peacefully. He was glad for that. He felt a bit restless so he rolled over and slowly climbed out of bed. As he stood there leaning on his cane he was at a loss of what to do next for a minute. But then his eyes wandered over to Pony's desk and an idea dawned on him. He limped over and carefully sat in the chair before beginning to rummage through the drawers. It only took a minute to find what he was looking for. He pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil and set both on the desk as he scooted the chair in closer.
Soda had never been much of a writer. He tended to find writing pretty frustrating actually. Reading and writing was something he had struggled with ever since grade school which had been really troubling when it had come so easily to both Pony and Darry. But while he had been deployed and had found that writing was his only means of communication with his family he had done his best to get better at it. He still struggled a lot with spelling, though he managed to improve some with the help of a few of the more educated guys in his unit. But he at least felt a bit more comfortable with writing down his thoughts. Since Steve had left Pony had been the one to write him letters with Soda, Darry and Two-Bit all dictating parts to him. But with Pony sick and Soda's head full of racing thoughts he decided to take it upon himself to write this next letter.
He picked up the pen and stared at the blank paper for several minutes, trying to organize his thoughts. Finally he began to write.
Dear Steve,
I hope things are still goin well over there. I'm glad you get to do something you like. I hope it makes the time go faster for you. 3 months have already passed, only 9 months to go. It seems like a long time, but when I was over there the time went pretty fast.
Pony's been sick. He got the flu real bad the other day so I was up most of the night with him last night. He seems like he's doin better this mornin, but I did a lot of thinking while I was up with him. I hate that he's sick but I feel like things make more sence now. Its like I understand why I came back now. before it made no sence why I came back when so many other guys didn't. Everyone had familys and everyone wanted to go home, so why did I make it? and then I came home broken and I felt so out of place. Like I didn't fit in anymore becase I changed. Like I wasn't as good as I was before. But now I think I've figured out that even though I'm different now I'm still Pony's big brother I'm still Darry's little brother and I'm still frends with you and Two-Bit. And that's where I still fit even if I don't go out and party anymore or hang over all the girls at the DX or run around an play football.
I don't know why it took me so long to get to this point. But I wanted you to know that you don't have to worry about me. I'm ok. And I'm gonna keep getting better. I really do think that. Now more then ever. I know why I'm here and whatever I did while I was over there was all so I could get back here. And now that I'm here I'm not gonna screw it up.
I bet you've never seen such a long letter from me! Anyway, I look forward to gettin your next letter. Even though youre not on the front lines, still stay safe over there.
Sodapop Curtis
Soda read over the letter a few times, feeling satisfied as he smiled lightly. He knew that Steve already knew that he was getting better from previous letters, but it felt good to put it in his own words.
"Soda?" Soda turned to see Pony looking at him curiously. "What're you doin'?"
"Writin' Steve a letter," he said.
"I must really be sick," Pony said with half a smile. "I thought you just said you were writin'."
Soda laughed. "Hey, I wrote you plenty of letters while I was away, didn't I?"
"Yeah," Pony admitted. "I was really glad that you did." He coughed.
"Are you feelin' any better, kiddo?" Soda asked.
"A little," Pony said.
"Think you could eat somethin'?" Soda asked.
Pony made a face. "I'm not really hungry."
"Can you just try?" Soda pleaded lightly. "It'll help you get better."
"Yeah, okay," Pony agreed a bit reluctantly.
Soda slowly got to his feet and limped from the room. He went into the kitchen and dug the soup out of the ice box. He had some trouble moving the large pan from the ice box to the stove, but he managed it. He heated the soup up for several minutes on the stove before he poured some into a bowl and made his way back to Pony's room. As he returned he saw that Pony had worked himself up on the pillows so that he was in more of sitting position. He still looked at little flushed, but he seemed less disoriented than he had the night before, which was a good sign. Soda handed him the bowl of soup before settling himself back into the desk chair and watching him pick at his food.
Pony looked over at him between bites and cocked his head, looking at him curiously.
"What?" Soda asked.
"You seem like you're in a good mood," Pony said slowly.
Soda smiled. "I am, kiddo," he confirmed.
"Why?" Pony asked.
Soda shrugged. "I just think everything's gonna be okay," he said simply.
Pony gave him a funny look, clearly not sure what brought along the new attitude. That was okay though, Soda would explain it later when he was feeling better. Pony managed to eat about half the bowl of soup and Soda was satisfied with that. Soda got up and took the bowl from him and as Pony slid back down into bed, looking tired. Soda turned, intending to take the bowl out to the kitchen.
"Soda?" Pony said.
"Yeah, Pone?" Soda said, turning back and looking down at him.
"Will you stay?" he asked drowsily.
Soda knew what he was trying to say. He wanted Soda to stay in the room until he fell asleep. But the way he worded the statement made it seem like he was encompassing so much more than just that. Even though Soda had been back in Tulsa for all these months it seemed like for the first time he was really felt at home. And Pony's statement seemed to him almost like he was asking him just to remain there with him in more than just the physical sense.
Soda smiled at him. He placed the bowl down on the bedside table and climbed back into bed. He wound an arm around Pony as Pony curled up into him just like he used to. Soda held onto him tightly.
"I'm your big brother, Pony," Soda said quietly as Pony drifted back to sleep. "I ain't gonna leave you again. I promise. I'm back for good."