Chapter 8: First Day of My Life
Castiel sighs and slumps over more in his chair. He hadn't been able to sneak into the bathroom, to hide from Sam. So he had stood red-faced in the hallway awkwardly, before deciding he should just go into the living area anyway.
Sam is eating a sandwich and telling Castiel about the hunt he had been on. Cas can barely focus, his mind still reeling from the moment he had just had with Dean. Sam stands up and puts on some music. He had purchased a small radio-like object that played music from his phone. Castiel hadn't ever really enjoyed music before, but he had started to enjoy it more recently. Sam and Dean had vastly different tastes in music, but right now Castiel felt grateful for the soothing music Sam was playing.
"Are you listening, Cas?" Sam said, interrupting Castiel's reverie.
Cas blinks several times and gives Sam an apologetic smile. "Sorry Sam, I'm listening, keep going".
Sam laughs and looks at Castiel, trying to read him. Sometimes Castiel was unnerved by how perceptive Sam could be. The Winchester's were both so adept at reading people, and Castiel was an open book. He didn't mind it so much with Dean, usually, but his relationship with Sam was oftentimes strained, so it was uncomfortable.
Castiel smiles at Sam again, "Really, I'm here".
Sam grins and shakes his head. "You had a fight with Dean, right?"
Castiel's eyes widen and he slinks down further in his chair. "Why would you think that?" he asks, attempting to sound innocent. His palms begin to sweat and he rubs them absently on the arms of his chair, trying to control his body temperature.
"Look, you guys were bound to get into it sometime. I mean, you've both been holed up here for weeks. I know how difficult Dean can be" Sam says, smiling apologetically and running his hands through his hair.
Castiel is amused for a moment, realizing that Sam's hair has reached shoulder-length proportions. This was too uncomfortable, talking about Dean with Sam. It felt like a small betrayal, but then again, Dean could be difficult. No one knew this better than Sam.
"You're right" Castiel says with a sigh
Sam leans back in his chair, watching as Castiel rubs his hands back and forth along the arms of his chair. "So?" he says finally, obviously hoping that Cas would elaborate. Castiel grimaces as he tries to squirm further into his chair, his cheeks turning slightly red. At the mention of Dean, his mind had drifted immediately back to the moment in Dean's bedroom. The feeling of Dean's skin against his palm, and the way his heart had felt like it was going to explode. If Sam could read his mind, Castiel was sure that he'd die from embarrassment.
"So...we had an argument, but it is fine now" Castiel says, turning to look anywhere but at Sam. Sam who was looking at him so strangely, so inquisitively.
"You're weird, Cas" Sam says, laughing and shaking his head while he finishes his sandwich.
"Hey, Sammy, welcome home" Dean's voice says, echoing as he saunters over. Castiel looks at Dean from the corner of his eye, and sits up slightly in his chair. Cas wonders for a moment why Dean's hair is soaking wet again, since he had showered earlier too. He hopes that he is showering the adequate amount for humans, and he can feel his body temperature start to rise again.
Dean walks around Cas, his hand resting on Castiel's shoulder and squeezing it for a moment. Castiel is aware that his face is starting to flush red again. He tries to look anywhere but at Dean, so he focuses on his hands which are now in his lap. Dean pulls out the chair next to Castiel and sits down, grinning.
"Hey Dean. You look...happy" Sam says, slightly confused. "Were you watching porn or something?"
At this, Castiel can barely hold back a choking noise in his throat. His mind had already wandered back to previously, coupled with the new information that Dean had been in the shower again. He stands up abruptly, his wooden chair scraping loudly against the marble floor. He coughs a little to clear his throat, trying not to look at Dean or Sam.
"Water" he says, pointing to the kitchen, walking, almost running into the kitchen. He doesn't turn around to see their faces, he just hopes he can make it to the kitchen without alarming them even further. He is sweating, his face is red, and he can't help him mind from wandering to strange thoughts about Dean.
One of the pleasant experiences of becoming human, was learning what his body was telling him. It had been there before, the longing, but Castiel had no reference to go off. Dean was always special, and Castiel had known that for years. This was new though, the insatiable desire to touch to Dean. The way every hair on his arms stood up when Dean touched him. The electrical pulses between them, and Castiel couldn't really ignore it now. Not when they'd been so close, and Dean hadn't pulled away, not until Sam walked in.
Castiel leans against the wall, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. This has been the most confusing part about falling. He and Dean are finally on even ground, and what does that mean?
Without warning, Castiel feels a hand on his hips, pulling him away from the wall. His eyes fling open, blue meeting green. Dean smiles slightly. For just a moment he looks open and inviting, sure of himself. Just a moment, before his lazy grin leaves his face and he pulls back from Castiel. He laughs nervously and pats Cas on the shoulder.
"Just uh, checking to make sure you were OK" Dean says, stuttering his way through his words. His eyes sliding towards the door, cautiously. Castiel's heart is pounding and he is so confused. Why! He shakes his head, feeling slightly betrayed. It was always one step forward, two steps backwards. His eyes narrow at Dean, and for the first time, Cas can find a word to describe his feelings.
Dean is in pajama bottoms again, and a waffle shirt that cling tightly to his body. Castiel appreciates the human form; the beautiful way Dean's hair is darker when wet, spiked and sticking out in all directions. His freckles that are barely noticeable, and the slight stubble the seems to grow overnight, no matter how often Dean shaves. Castiel loves the scars on Dean's body, the eyes that are full of every emotion, and lips that are perfectly shaped. Lips manufactured to love and to hate, to heal and to harm. The man who pushes and pulls him in every direction. The one that he would follow to the end of the world, no matter what. Cas didn't care, he would be happy as long as he had Dean. This was his best friend, the man who had saved him over and over, and whom he had saved as well. This was who he loved. The light that gave him life. This was love, and lust, and longing, but it was everything if not more than love itself.
The frustration of uncertainty gives way to understanding and pleasure. Castiel loves Dean. He wants to be close to Dean, to hold him and touch him, and to look into his eyes and not have to be confused anymore. Dean was his light, the one he went to in times of darkness, and he wants Dean to know. This man who is still so broken, and doesn't think he deserves to be loved. Castiel steps closer to Dean, still silent.
Dean licks his lips, and this almost undoes Castiel entirely. They are standing close, so close that Castiel can feel Dean's breathing. Castiel wraps his fingers through Dean's fingers, his soft hands running over rough skin. He smiles slightly when he notices that Dean's are also wet with sweat. They are standing close, chests touching. Dean's heart is beating quickly, and he is taking in small breaths.
Castiel tilts his head up slightly, and wraps one arm around Dean's neck. Dean follows suit, his hand moving slowly on Castiel's neck, intertwining in his hair. Their eyes meet, full of longing. Castiel feels almost light-headed, and is unsure how he is still standing. He thinks for a moment that his knees may give out. As if reading his mind, Dean lets go of Castiel's hand, and places his freed hand on Castiel's back, pulling him close and supporting his weight. Dean's other hand tugs at Castiel's hair, forcing Cas to pull his head up more. Their lips are so close, and Castiel watches as Dean's eyes close slowly.
The anticipation, the build-up, is so sweet and savory. He lets their lips stagnate in this near-touching state. He can feel a swelling his groin, his pants becoming tighter. Dean groans slightly before pulling Castiel closer to him, forcing their lips to meet.
Castiel closes his eyes, sinking into their embrace. Their lips tenderly graze each other, hesitant at first, before becoming more urgent. Dean is gentle and soft; slowly at first. He kisses the sides of Castiel's lips, gingerly. Castiel responds, mimicking and learning. Dean's fingers tug at Cas's hair, one arm still wrapped around Castiel's arched back.
They both groan loudly, pleasurably. Castiel has both hands on Dean's hips now, feeling soft skin and bone. His hands travel around to Dean's back, touching every inch that he has longed to touch. He fingers find their way underneath fabric, and continue to travel around Dean's body. Castiel has stopped thinking, calculating, and analyzing. This instant, he wants to freeze and keep forever.
Dean pulls back for a moment, laughing, as Castiel's hands find themselves on Dean's ribcage. Castiel opens his eyes, confused. Dean wrinkles his nose slightly, squirming underneath Castiel's touch.
"I'm ticklish there, Cas" he says, before bursting out laughing. Cas tilts his head to the side and makes a "so what" expression, that Dean understands instantly. Castiel isn't sure what being ticklish means, but it is apparently not a bad thing. He is happy that Dean is laughing too. Dean doesn't laugh enough.
Castiel pulls Dean to him again, and kisses him hard on the lips, forcing his tongue into Dean's mouth., savoring the taste of minty mouthwash. Dean lets out a moan, and Castiel can feel Dean's body weaken against him slightly. Castiel pulls back from Dean and smiles.
"I learned that from the pizza man".