Chapter 17: Perfect

Castiel wakes, his eyes opening wide with confusion; his breathing heavy and ragged. He can feel the perspiration on his lower back, and he wipes one hand to his cheek, wiping at the wetness from his tears. He blinks several times, remembering where he is. His eyes drift to the black notebook on the nightstand, and an old cell phone that he only uses to check the time.

The pillow is damp, and Castiel sighs, closing his eyes and slamming his head against his pillow. His arm reaches across the empty space beside him, and he ignores the longing in his chest. For a moment he allows himself the sweet savory memory of Dean's warm body lying in bed next to him. The way Dean would curl into him, snoring lightly into his pillow.

Cas shakes his head again, deciding to sit up. He hasn't slept in Dean's room for about a week, and they had been regarding each other with cool neutrality ever since the hunt they went on. Sam had been confused at first but he stayed out of it. Castiel couldn't help but miss Dean, but he wasn't ready to be open with him either. Not if Dean wouldn't be open with him in return.

Castiel grabs his black notebook from the table next to him and leans back in his bed. He runs a hand through his hair, already growing out from its last haircut. He flips open his notebook, his fingers caressing each page that is filled with his scribbled handwriting. Sometimes a page will contain one word only. Some pages are filled, with drawings and notes covering every corner. Cas frowns slightly as he reaches his most recent page.

His nightmares had been occurring regularly now, and he wrote them down meticulously in an attempt to decipher some meaning from them. Oftentimes, he found himself in the same white room, a sterile and clean location that he could only assume to be heaven. He couldn't move, which was the worst part. It would come in quick flashes, Naomi's hand in his chest and her face so close to his that they were almost touching. That was the image he saw most often, with terrifying clarity, and horrifying pain.

Castiel could understand that…what he couldn't understand were the moments before or after. Through flashes, he saw the Winchesters talking to Naomi, as if they were working together. This he would see in pieces, as he stood motionless, suspended. Other times he would see Dean thrown across the room. His body crumpled against a wall.

The worst was when he was in the room and he could move. He was unable to control himself, and these flashes came in the most confusing pieces. He could swear he plunged a knife deep into Dean's chest, but it was never clear enough to make out. Castiel was alone each time in this flashback. This was the worst by far, and perhaps why he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with Dean lately. Not when he kept dreaming about killing him.

Castiel rubs his chin absently, his soft hands running over the stubble that had grown over the last few days. He contemplates writing down his dreams from last night, but he decides against it. He throws his book down on his bed in annoyance. He hadn't been able to see anything besides the same few flashbacks, which didn't help anything. He'd thought about talking to Sam, but it felt like a betrayal somehow, as if he should be asking Dean. After all, whatever relationship they were in currently, Cas was probably still supposed to put his confidence in Dean.

Cas yawns and stands up, grabbing his phone from the nightstand, flipping it open quickly. It is already well into the day, which doesn't surprise him. He'd been sleeping longer, trying to fall back into his dreams to figure out the mess of his past. Castiel looks forlornly over at his pile of dirty clothing and hopes that he still has some clean clothing in his dresser.

He ambles over, his bare legs cold, as he digs through the small wooden dresser. He finds some fresh boxers to replace the ones he is currently wearing, and throws on a pair of jeans. The weather is getting colder out, so he puts on a long-sleeved baseball tee with blue sleeves, and a dark grey zip-up hoodie. Cas looks at the hoodie for a moment, wondering if it is Sam's, but he shrugs and decides to wear it anyway.

When he comes downstairs, Sam is the only one in the living area. Cas looks around quietly, hoping to avoid Dean. Sam raises his eyebrows with a question in his eyes, "Dean isn't here, don't worry". Cas lets out a breath, continues down the stairs, and throws himself into a chair across from Sam. He lets out an exasperated sigh and puts his head down on the table.

"Anything you wanna talk about, Cas?" Sam asks as he flips open his phone.

Cas looks up but shakes his head no. Sam is texting, and Cas can only assume it's the librarian girl that Dean told him about. Dean had gone to the library himself to check this girl out, make sure she was alright for Sammy, and reported everything back to Cas that night. They had been lying in bed together watching a rerun of Scrubs, while Dean sat in front of him, resting his laptop on his legs. It wasn't the easiest way to watch television, but Cas loved how Dean fit against him, and how he could wrap his arms around Dean, his hands resting on his stomach. Castiel blinks a couple times, ignoring the yearning in his heart.

Sam stands up, packing his laptop into his bag. He looks at Cas, smiling slightly.

"You sure you're fine?" he asks, raising his eyebrows again. Cas says "yes", and forces a small smile as he asks what Sam is up to.

"Actually, I'm going to go do some work at the library now but uh, I think Emma…library girl, and I are going to the bar tonight. You should come!"

Cas groans and throws Sam a skeptical look but he can't bring himself to say no, not when Sam is looking at him so expectantly and excited. He must really like this girl if he's actually doing something normal with her, and inviting friends to meet her.

Cas sighs, running his hands through his hair, "Fine. I'll go", he responds, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He didn't know when Sam had begun to feel like his own younger brother, but he could relate with Dean about one thing; it was damn hard to say no to Sam sometimes.

The bar is crowded, and Cas isn't sure what to think of it. Dean has been gone all day on a trip to visit Garth, so it is just Cas, Sam, and Emma crowding around a small table in the corner of the bar. The building smells of alcohol and sweat, and the loud music makes it hard to hear. Cas regrets the time he had told Sam that a third wheel adds stability, because now he understands what a third wheel is. It was unfortunate that it was just the three of them, which really meant that Cas got to watch Sam flirt all night.

Sam bought them all a round of drinks, doing his best to include Cas. The gesture was nice, and Cas quickly finished his drink before offering to get the next round.

"Sure Cas, but we're still working on ours", Sam says with a laugh as he casually drapes his arm across Emma's shoulders. Cas can't help but smile; watching Sam look so innocent and free. He couldn't help but like Emma too, who was witty and quick to poke fun at Sam and who also made an effort to include Cas. For a minute, Cas misses Dean, but he quickly pushes away the thought as he stands up and starts towards the bar.

The bar is crowded, but Cas doesn't mind waiting his turn. He drums his fingers along the old and slightly sticky wooden railing, finally catching the eye of a young bartender. She smiles brightly, all white teeth and dark hair flowing down her back. She leans over, her shirt two sizes too small, and asks Cas what he'd like to order.

For a minute, his face flushes as he realizes that he has no idea what to drink. He quickly orders 3 drinks of anything for his group, and tries to ignore the strange look that the bartender gives him. When she asks him what kind, he blanks, his mouth frozen open slightly. Thankfully she tells him she'll go with something everyone likes and flashes her bright smile at him again.

"You here alone, hun?" She asks, placing three small glasses in front of him and pouring vodka into each, alcohol spilling over the side of each glass.

Cas shakes his head, and points to his friends in the corner of the bar. She smiles at this, lowering her eyelashes and leaning forwards against the bar railing.

"I'll tell ya what, if you do these three shots here in under a minute, the next three are on me for you and your friends".

Cas doesn't see the harm in this, and he didn't mind not having to use the money that the Winchester's gave him. Besides that, he'd certainly had more to drink before than three small glass cups. He nods at her, giving her a small smile. He reaches for the first glass and downs it easily, following suit with the next two. He slams the third one on the counter and grins at the bartender.

"So you're not a lightweight", she says with a smirk as she fills the three glasses again. Cas doesn't want to tell her that he doesn't understand what that means, so he just shrugs his shoulders. He smiles and thanks her as he grabs the 3 glasses in his hands and heads back to his table.

"Dude, you didn't need to get us shots!", Sam says laughing. Cas looks at him, confused, turning his head slightly to the side and squinting.

"The bartender said this is what everyone likes".

Sam laughs again and runs his hand through his hair, shrugging. He looks at Emma and grins as he hands her one of the glasses. Cas follows suit, picking up his own. Sam holds up his drink and clinks it against Cas's glass.

"To family and friends" he says, but his eyes are on Emma alone. Cas quickly drinks his, welcoming the warmness that is spreading over his body. His face feels hot, and his hands tingle slightly, but it isn't the worst feeling. He'd been drunk once before, but it wasn't really anything like this. He isn't even sure he is drunk yet but he laughs at the thought.

Sam shoots Cas a look that says "give us privacy", so Cas obliges. He grabs his glass and heads back over to the bar. The building is still fairly busy, but he finds a seat rather quickly. His eyes glance at a couple to his right who are whispering and kissing each other every so often. For a moment he misses Dean again, but he can't seem to wipe the silly grin off his face. The bartender wanders over to him again, learning forwards and arching her back.

Cas tries to look anywhere but her chest, looking away embarrassed. His eyes meet hers and he can feel his face flush red at her knowing smile. She pours a new drink, and slides it towards Cas.

"I haven't seen you in here before", she says, taking a sip from her own drink behind the counter.

Cas nods, sipping slowly on his new drink. This one is familiar, it smells like Dean, so he can only assume it is whiskey. It burns on the way down, so he drinks slowly. Getting drunk had not been his intention at all to begin with. The bartender leans forwards against the bar again, placing her hand on Castiel's arm and smiling.

"Are you new in town?"

"Cas?"

Castiel turns around quickly, nearly falling off his chair. He drops one foot onto the ground from his chair, hoping to steady himself. His eyes travel up from the floor, drinking in the image in front of him; dark denim, with a fitted shirt, and damp hair that is sticking out in various directions, green eyes wide in surprise. Cas can't help but smile, even if Dean does look mildly angry.

Cas steps forwards but he is dizzy from standing up abruptly, and rather ungracefully sort of slams his body against Dean. Dean had been standing with his arms open at his sides, confused and angry, but now his arms close around Cas, catching him to keep him from falling.

Dean waves at Sam angrily, "Thanks for taking care of him, Sam".

Dean turns his gaze back on Castiel, his mouth in a straight line. Cas grins again, and cocks his head to the side. He feels hot, and his cheeks are burning with embarrassment, or from the alcohol; possibly from both. He smiles at Dean, his eyes closed, as he wraps his hands around Dean's neck.

Dean pulls away, his eyes searching Castiel's face.

"How many drinks did you have man? And why was that bartender chick all over you?"

Castiel can only laugh and smile innocently, opening his eyes wide as he pulls Dean closer to him. His reservations were lost, probably somewhere between his third and fourth shot. Right now, he can't begin to fathom why he hasn't spent every waking moment with his hands around Dean. Cas miles widely, and ignores the strange look that Dean gives him.

"Alright Cas, let's go outside to get some air," Dean says, stepping back from Castiel, but keeping one arm wrapped tightly around his waist. Castiel watches the ground intently, trying to keep from tripping. The wood floor of the bar seems uneven, and he tries not to stumble, leaning into Dean's side.

Once they are outside the bar, Dean lets go of Cas; turning around and looking around quietly. Cas watches as he runs a hand through his hair, as he exhales and the cold air leaves his lips like smoke. When Deans turn around, Cas is surprised to see him looking so sad. After a week of staying away, of wondering how to fix things, or if he should try, Cas doesn't need to wonder anymore. The look of defeat in Dean's face is enough to bring him to his knees.

Cas reaches out one shaky hand and grabs Dean's, pulling him close. A look of pain crosses Dean's face, his mouth pouting slightly as he tries to think of something to say. Castiel reaches up, wraps an arm around Dean's neck and pulls him into a passionate kiss.

"I'm sorry, I'm stupid, I lov-", Cas stammers, his words slurring as he tries to think of everything he has wanted to say, before Dean cuts him off.

"You know, you're just like me", Dean says seriously before pulling back from their embrace. He looks at Cas, licking his lips. Castiel knows it isn't the right time for it, but he wants to be with Dean again, to have everything be like it was. He wants to run his hands through Dean's hair, caress his stomach, hold his hands, and kiss his lips. He wants to steal Dean's clean shirts, stay up late watching bad television, and to wake up with no circulation in his arm because Dean had slept on it all night. Cas wants to hear Dean's pleadingly say his name as they kiss, and for his eyes to flutter as their bare chests touch in the late hours of the night.

Cas grins wickedly as he pushes Dean against the nearby wall. His cold hands find Dean's wrists and pin them against the wall as his eyes drink in the sight of Dean whose eyes are open wide in surprise. Cas leaves a trail of kisses along Dean's neck, sucking harder on each one as small moans escape Dean's throat. Cas presses his body close to Dean's, close enough to feel his pounding heartbeat.

"Cas", Dean says, nearly moaning his name. Cas loves this, as he continues to pin Dean against the wall. He lets go of one of Dean's hands, which immediately finds itself trailing up Castiel's shirt. Cas runs his hand through Dean's damp hair, pulling it slightly as he slams his mouth against Dean's. His hand trails down Dean's back slowly, his fingers light against Dean's skin, hitting all the spots that make Dean shiver. Cas can feel Dean's body reacting beneath his, and he feels braver than usual.

"Can we go back home?" Cas asks, trying not to sound too innocent. A small smile tugs at his lips as he leans forward and kisses Dean on the neck again, causing Dean to inhale sharply. Castiel looks up through his eyelashes, the dim light casting beautiful shadows across Dean's perfect features. Dean's eyes slant, as his mind catches up with Castiel's implied words. For the first time in a week, a chuckle escapes him.

Dean wraps an arm around Castiel's waist again, and pulls him in for a soft kiss, and he promptly pulls away and places another, more gently on Cas's forehead.

"Whatever you want, Cas", Dean says with a grin as he helps Cas over to the car; one hand in Cas's back pocket of his jeans.