Chapter 19: Stigmatized

Castiel is the first to wake, his arms wrapped protectively around Dean, his nose buried in Dean's hair. The light filters in underneath the door, a sliver of light flows across the room and illuminates the dust in the air. Castiel breathes in deeply, inhaling the clean smell of Dean's hair. He leans in, planting a gentle kiss on the top of Dean's head, and slowly removes his arm from underneath Dean's sleeping body.

Dean groans slightly and wraps his arms tighter around his pillow, but he doesn't stir. Castiel smiles, despite a small headache. Watching Dean sleeping would never get old; as the years would fade from his face and the lines etched into his skin would disappear, if only for a moment.

Castiel opens the door slowly, quietly, careful of every sound the floor makes as he moves across it. As each foot hits the ground, the cold floor creaks beneath him. Castiel closes the door to his room softly and sits on his bed, grabbing his notebook as he pulls his knees up to his chin. He flips through the first few pages, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he reads over his initial impressions of the intimacy between him and Dean.

On some pages, there is only a date, and quickly jotted words. They are like bookmarks, setting alight a spark of a memory in Castiel's mind. There were dark pages, filled with designs that filled his memory. Sometimes he worried that he might forget certain things, important things. He had spent an entire night scribbling down all the sigils that he could think of, just in case. Just in case being human meant forgetting everything from when he was an angel.

Even more important, had been to write about when he first met Dean. To write down every detail he could remember from the first time he laid his eyes upon the shining soul, the one that shone brighter than all others. He couldn't see it anymore, not in the traditional way. He sometimes missed it, but what he had now was so much better, so the trade was not unfair. The memory sticks like glue, every moment he spent with Dean, even the painful ones. These are the things that Castiel writes into the margins of each page, the poetry of his heart and memory. Memories that are too precious to risk losing.

The worst pages are the ones filled with Castiel's nightmares; the ones that haunt him as he holds dear all that he cares about. He turns to a blank page now, his pen in his mouth as he closes his eyes, bringing his nightmares to rest in the front of his mind. He had dreamt again last night, in quick flashbacks. The most disturbing of all was always the various images of Dean, dying in his arms. These were the most frequently occurring, and each time he failed to stop himself from killing Dean.

Castiel chews down harder on his pen, his brow furrowed. The dream last night had been the usual. In snippets, he had seen himself kill Dean; quick and effectively, with a stab to the chest. Sometimes he would twist his neck, sometimes he would slit his throat, there were many combinations of ways that he saw himself killing the man that in his waking hours, he would give anything to save. His next least favorite scene was when he found himself immobilized; looking into Naomi's eyes, with her hand plunged into his chest; past his vessel and into his true form.

This was rare, and usually he would wake screaming at this part in his dreams, his fingers clutching wildly at his chest. Last night he had seen something new however, and didn't find himself waking in a cold sweat after watching Naomi plunge her hand into him and wrap her hands around his grace. Last night he had seen past Naomi's cold blue eyes and towards the Winchesters, both of them, watching with horrified faces.

Castiel grabs his pen out of his mouth and scratches the hair at the back of his neck before pushing his hair away from his forehead and inhaling deeply. He closes his eyes for a moment, holding the memory still in his mind, and opens his eyes again as his pen flies across the page. He fills a page, then another. As he puts his pen back in his mouth to absently mull over his own thoughts, he hears a gentle knock on his door.

"Hmm?" he murmurs around the pen in his mouth, his mind still swimming with questions.

The door opens slowly, making sure to hear no objection before entering. Castiel looks up and a small smile crosses his face as he takes in Dean's half opened eyes and lazy smile between yawns. He is still shirtless and his pajama bottoms are loosely tied around his waist. Castiel can't help but allow his eyes to travel up Dean's body, even if it means his face begins to feel hot and flushed. The memory of last night doesn't seem to be impaired by his alcohol consumption, and Dean's sloppy grin tells him that Dean hasn't forgotten it either.

Dean is leaning against the doorway, running his hand through his hair as he opens his eyes wider in a questioning gesture. Castiel nods, closing his black notebook and setting it beside him on the bed. Dean closes the door behind him, and fits himself behind Castiel, wrapping his arms around him and burying his head in Castiel's neck as he stifles another yawn.

"I woke up and you were gone," Dean says gently, as the cool air from his breathe sends shivers up Castiel's spine.

Castiel leans backwards slightly into Dean's arms, "sorry, I didn't intent to worry you".

Dean's eyelashes brush gently against the back of Castiel's neck and Castiel closes his eyes for a moment, enjoying the comfort of Dean's embrace.

"Were you writing about your nightmares?" Dean asks gently, removing one arm from Castiel and picking up the notebook from the bedspread.

Castiel nods slowly. "Did I disturb you last night?"

Dean gently kisses the back of Castiel's head and chuckles softly. "Cas, it isn't a big deal. I'm no stranger to nightmares. I just wish you weren't having them." He pauses for a moment, his hand still holding the notebook.

"Does it help to write in here?"

Castiel inhales and exhales slowly, wondering if the conversation is going where he has been longing for it to go. "It seems to, but I still can't really make sense of my nightmares." Castiel can feel Dean tense up behind him as he sets the journal back onto the bed.

Dean leans back slightly, but not before placing a kiss on the back of Castiel's neck. He swings his legs around to the side of the bed again, placing his elbows on his knees. Castiel mimics the position, turning his body towards Dean and placing both feet on the ground. Dean shoots a tentative smile at Castiel before running his hand through his hair, displacing it at all angles. He opens his mouth but then quickly shuts it again, rethinking what he had to say.

"Cas, this isn't really easy to say. I want to tell you everything, but I want to keep you safe too." Dean says, looking up at Castiel quickly, before lowering his head again and looking at his lap. He holds his hands together, nervously clenching and unclenching his fingers together. Castiel nods, gently urging, "Go on".

His heart is pounding slightly, but he tries to remain calm. He has been waiting for what seems like an eternity, to find out what happened when he was under Naomi's control. They had told him that much, and that he "wasn't to be blamed" for anything, but it didn't matter. He has needed to hear the truth, and the knot in his stomach has only grown tighter with each passing day. Castiel inhales and exhales slowly again, trying to keep himself calm.

Dean begins slowly at first, every word punctuated by a pause and a nervous glance towards Castiel's face. Once he starts though, it seems as if the words come faster and faster, falling out of Dean's mouth like flowing water that cannot be stopped. He doesn't pause to take a breath, rushing towards a metaphorical finish line.

By the time Dean is done, Castiel's mind is swimming with the information, trying to make sense of it all. "Wait, so Kevin is ok then?" Castiel says, settling on the first piece of good news in Dean's story.

Dean exhales, happy that Castiel doesn't seem to be angry yet. "Ya, I mean man was it a pain at first, because she made him tell her the last demon tablet trial and then wiped his memory." Dean laughs slightly before continuing, "So when we showed up at his house, he had no idea who we were and it was a mess." Dean's head sags slightly as he looks up at Castiel. "We were a little lost at that point, with no prophet to tell us the next trial and you had flown off with Samandriel's body…we were stuck."

Castiel nods, remembering pieces of what occurred with his brother, but not all of it was clear. "I understand, Dean. You had no other choice but to work with Naomi."

"We didn't trust her Cas, not one bit. We hated it, but we also wanted to find out about you…" Dean trails off.

"What I don't understand Dean, is that the last trial could not have been completed without killing me. Even without my grace, I am still very much alive."

"When we got there, she wouldn't tell us what the trial even was. I knew though, the second I saw you strung up around that pole. She plunged her hand into you and it was one of the worst things I have ever seen man."

Castiel's eyes soften and he places his hand on Dean's thigh, squeezing it gently, but his own mind has drafted back to his painful memory. His own screams that echoed across the world, as the very core of his being was torn out. A question pulls at his mind, but Castiel ignores it, not wanting to push his luck.

"She told us that the final trial was to sacrifice an angel's grace and life, and she gave Sam the knife to kill you with." Dean chuckles slightly, focusing his eyes on the corner of the room. "I guess she trusted us too much. Sammy fought her, and then I fought her, but in the end Sam killed her by some miracle or something."

Castiel's mind struggles to fill in the blanks, the small parts of the story that Dean is leaving untold. Of course the first though he has is that both boys were most likely extremely damaged in the fight.

"I still don't understand how the trial was completed, Dean."

Dean laughs again, this time with a smirk on his face. "Well she said that we had to sacrifice an angel's grace and life…but she didn't say it had to be the same angel."

"And you took that chance?!" Castiel exclaimed; his eyes wide and confused, the tactician in his mind is screaming that it was the dumbest decision they could have made.

"Hey man, we weren't gonna kill you, no matter what." Dean's voice softens slightly as he looks at Castiel directly for the first time since they began their conversation. "She said you were nothing without your grace, and I just…I knew it wasn't true."

Castiel can't keep the grin from spreading across his face as he looks in wonder at the man who had an unwavering faith in him, the man with little faith, but all of it was placed in him, Cas. A moment passes between them before Castiel is taking Dean's face in his hands and kissing him gently, first across the mouth and then all over. He kisses Dean's forehead, gently and chastely. He kisses the tip of Dean's nose which makes him recoil and begin to complain about being treated like a child. Castiel then kisses Dean's lips again, biting on Dean's lower lip more urgently.

When Castiel pulls away, Dean is smiling and his shoulders are more relaxed. The wrinkles in the corners of his eyes reach out, as his smile spreads further.

"God, you drive me insane, Cas" Dean mutters as he pulls Castiel's body to him and falls back onto the bed, and pressing his lips to Castiel's neck, intending to leave marks this time.