A/N: Have I mentioned that I'm really thankful for your reviews/favorites/follows? Cause I am. Just thought I'd throw that out there (again). So thank you, thank you, thank you if you take the time to do any of that stuff, or even for just taking the time to read this.
Month 7
Usually, she is always the first to wake up, but that also means that she is usually the first one to drift to sleep. Rick's sleep schedule is way more messed up naturally, especially since he cut back the hours he works at the precinct.
Since he lacks the structure provided to him by a steady job, he has the liberty to get up and go to sleep when he feels like it. He still tries to join Kate every time she hits the hay, but sometimes he is still occupied and typing furiously late at night or until he sees the first sunbeams peaking through the window, his next novel gaining in length and complexity.
But tonight, he can tell that it is her who is restless. She kept tossing and turning, grumbling and sighing in frustration every few minutes. Her growing irritation almost made him chuckle. She was just too adorable when she got mad – until she snapped at him for giggling under his breath. So he fought hard to hide his amusement.
Now, her breathing has evened, and he knows she is asleep, but she still twitches and turns randomly which tells him that she may not be fully conscious, but it isn't the kind of deep, relaxing sleep she needs and deserves.
He is almost afraid to speak up, scared that he will wake her up within seconds, but he can't help himself.
"Hey, squirt" he whispers and pauses almost immediately, waiting to see any change in Kate. When she doesn't wake up, he dares to continue.
"You need to be more respectful of your mom." He tries to make his voice sound reproachful, but his attempt falls flat.
His whisper isn't exactly threatening, nor has he ever managed to master the disciplinary dad voice. With Alexis, he hardly ever had a reason to use it - and whenever he tried, it was blatantly obvious that he was uncomfortable with it or that the time to use it had passed and now had no effect whatsoever. Not to mention that Alexis had a tendency to raise her eyebrows and widen her eyes when he raised his voice, making him apologize almost immediately afterwards.
With this child, maybe things would change, he thinks, but almost immediately dismisses the thought. He isn't fooling anyone. His new daughter already has him wrapped around her tiny finger, and he already knows he will be likely to spoil her rotten.
If scolding won't work, maybe reasoning would.
"It took Kate quite some time to fall asleep tonight; you just kept her up for hours."
He remembers how disgruntled he was just a month ago, when their child would kick and kick, but stop the second he laid a hand on Kate's bump. It went on like this for days, until he got lucky and finally managed to feel it.
"Gotcha!" he exclaimed gleefully, but he had tears in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks, and Kate laughed at him as she wiped them away.
From that moment on, it was as though their daughter wanted him to feel her presence constantly. Despite her stopping every time he touched the bump and awaited her kick before, she now continued moving around even more each time he splayed a hand across Kate's stomach.
It was a fun phenomenon for both of them, but Castle at least had the liberty to distance himself and relax whenever he needed to focus on something else.
Kate, however, put up with their baby's moods at any point during the day. And there were days where their daughter seemed to refuse any form of rest.
Like today.
"Please be kind to her," he whispers, wanting their child to understand how important it was. "She has a hard job and a busy life; she doesn't need any more complications, especially not in her family life."
He clenches his jaw, almost not wanting to follow the path his thoughts have strayed to. But he cannot resist, knows that talking his way through things that occupy his mind almost helps him as much as writing does.
"You see, our family is a little incomplete, a little broken at times. It took a while to fix it, but we managed. But there are still times where you notice the missing pieces, and it hurts. But we've always overcome the obstacles."
Ricks sighs and sinks deeper into the mattress. Nothing about how he grew up was normal. Most people didn't go to nearly as many different schools as he had, most people didn't go on tour with their mother, most didn't have Shakespeare read to them at night.
Most people had a father.
He didn't know that at first. He had his mother, and that was his family. Since he was on the road with her most of the time, he didn't see his grandparents a lot either. They never really approved of Martha's career path anyway, and so they avoided most contact besides exchanging their annual Christmas cards and making brief phone calls for Thanksgiving or birthdays.
It wasn't until he was more frequently surrounded by kids rather than other actors that he realized that the family he grew up with wasn't so common.
When his kindergarten teacher asked around what their parents did for a living, most talked about two individuals, not just one. When it was his turn to speak, he just said 'my mom is an actress' – followed by an awkward long pause during which everyone, in the room eyed him expectedly until his teacher cleared her throat and continued asking the other children.
That day was the first time Castle asked Martha about his father. She dismissed his question with a nonchalant wave of her hand as she handed him his dinner and briefly explained that his father was a very special man that won her heart one night. She moved on to other subjects before he had a chance to ask any further questions.
Father's Day came around, and as he heard his friends discuss what they were gifting their dads, he returned home in the evening and asked his mother what she wanted for her special day.
"What on earth do you mean, Richard?" she said with a quizzical look on her face.
"What do you want for Father's Day?" little Rick clarified.
Martha tilted her head ever-so slightly. "Why would I get a gift for Father's Day? I'm your mother, I already had my day of acknowledgement."
Rick pondered on her comment for a short while before smiling up at her. "Mother, I don't have a father. But I have a mother. My friends' fathers, they take care of them and play with them and make embarrassing comments sometimes – you do that too. You're a good actress, so you play both roles," he decides cheerfully.
"Yes," Marth chuckled. "I am a rather talented actress... I suppose I am perfectly suited for both main parts."
With that, she scuffed his head and returned to memorizing her lines for the newest play she'd be part of.
His lips curved upwards slightly. "We hardly ever talked about my dad. And for the most part, I don't feel like I missed out on anything. I met him a few times, you know? He is very sneaky. Good at what he does, I suppose."
His voice now has a lsightly bitter edge to it. "But I will never understand how he could choose his work over a family. How he could walk away from my mother, how he didn't ever really show himself, even after knowing he had a son. I could never abandon my family. Being a dad is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and I wouldn't give it up for anything."
His attention is drawn to Kate when she flips over, but when he waits and realizes that her breathing is still even, he assumes it is safe to continue.
"Kate… well, I already mentioned she is fiercely protective of those she loves. She is strong for those she loves. I'm amazed at her strength. Life hasn't been easy for her. She has a dad. He is a good man. Kind, loving, caring… but awful things can cause even the best people to make terrible decisions. And your mom took care of him while he healed, even while her own wounds were still wide open."
Castle stares at the ceiling. No one should ever have to go through what Kate went through. Losing a loved one, especially in such an unexpected and particularly gruesome way, is not something anyone should have to experience. But to see your family crumple apart entirely and having no choice but to take on the amount of responsibility she had – he knew it forced her to grow up too fast and pushed her into a hole she barely managed to get herself out of.
Nineteen is an age where you should be worried about passing a class or not, explore the world, concern yourself with who you want to date, he thinks… not come home and carry your father to bed, pour his alcohol down the sink, cry yourself to sleep and repeat the ordeal the next day, week, month, year…
She doesn't like reliving those memories, but her past still haunts her at times. But not everything is terrible. Every once in a while, the two do something that reminds her of her mother. Like passing a park that she used to go to every weekend when she was younger. Playing a game that used to be her mom's favorite on game night. Eating comfort food that her mom used to make for her every time she was sad. In those moments, Kate's eyes light up as she tells him the stories.
He loves listening to her speak about her mother. It is the closest he will ever come to knowing her, and so every detail he learns burns into his memory in an instant, adds to the picture he painted of Johanna Beckett in his head.
"Johanna Beckett stood up for the right people. Tried to bring a little more justice to this world. Just like your mom. The world needs more people like them. My heart aches at the thought that you will be born into a world where terrible things happen to good people. But there are also wonderful things and people here that I can't wait for you to experience."
He quiets for a moment. "One day, I'm sure she will tell you all those stories about her mother herself. I have never been fortunate enough to get to know her personally, but I know she was extraordinary. She must have been in order to have such an incredible daughter. And I'm sure she will pass those genes onto you as well."
Castle smiles for a moment, but it quickly fades as he continues talking.
"I found her crying in your future room a few days ago. I'm not even sure why she went in there, it's not nearly finished yet and we don't keep much there either. But when I found her there, she sat on the ground sobbing. I was so worried."
"Oh my god Kate, what happened?" he asked as he rushed towards her, taking her into his arms and cradling her against his chest.
She was unable to speak for a while, sobs still shaking her frame, but she eventually regained some of her composure. She took a deep breath to steady herself before she began to speak in a quiet murmur.
"I need my mom," is all she got out before she started crying again.
He has rarely ever felt so helpless. He knows that Kate will always struggle with the loss of her mother, but there are long periods of time that pass where she seems perfectly fine and happy – and she is, but her grief still flares up from time to time. However, she doesn't often display it as openly as she did in that moment, still tries to hide her vulnerability out of reflex a lot of the time.
He just held her closer and waited for her to continue.
"I wish she could experience all this. I wish I could have had her there with us when we told our family. I wish I could call her when my pregnancy symptoms are bothering me, just so that I can hear her laugh and tease me about how that's revenge for how I was never letting her rest while she was pregnant either." Her voice quivered again. "I wish she could meet our daughter and just… be part of this family. But instead of going to brunch with her and just talking for hours on end like we always did, I make trips to the cemetery."
She choked up again as Rick tried and failed to find the right words to say. But it seemed he didn't have to, because Beckett continued almost immediately, and he began to wonder how long she had held all of this in.
"I love being part of this family" she clarified. "I love Martha, and Alexis, and my dad, and you, and our daughter. But no one can replace her, and I just wish she could be part of this."
"I know," he whispered into her hair. "I'm so sorry, Kate."
It was inadequate, the simple words failing to convey what he truly wanted to express, but she understood nonetheless.
"I guess becoming a mother herself now was just a painful reminder of who she lost. And a painful reminder that she can't share all the joyous moments in her life with her mother. No one can fill that hole, but I will do my very best to be there for her in any way I can be. And I hope that Johanna can see us right now and see how happy her daughter has made me. And how happy you make us."
And with that, he gently presses a kiss to Kate's forehead, still counting his blessings when he goes to sleep.