AN: WARNING, aspects of this chapter may be triggering for self-harm or suicide. The triggering part is in the section of italics, so skip that if you think you may be affected. As for the rest of the story, thank you for the amazing response so far! It's great that so many people are enjoying it so early on in the writing, and it's very inspirational for me. I promise I'll update as soon as I can, (I know how frustrating it is to be left hanging) but I have my final AS exam on monday, so I can't guarantee when the next chapter will be up. Anyway, it won't be long so thank you in advance for your patience and I hope you enjoy this chapter! (the lyrical extract is from the song which I also used as the title for this story, Defeat The Low by Balance And Composure - I'd recommend listening to it as it's a great song and fits the emotions of this story)

[Beca]

3 or so weeks had passed since my surprise meeting with Chloe, and I hadn't seen her since. I couldn't be sure as to wether or not that was a good thing, but I pushed all thoughts of her and the encounter to the back of my mind, the way I had been doing since she broke my heart. I stayed up late mixing, and decided to take a shower. It was 2am, so I wasn't expecting the showers to be overly-populated, and as I had anticipated they appeared empty. I began to sing my current favourite song, 'Titanium' by David Guetta as I wandered over to a shower cubicle, hanging my washbag on the hook by the entrance and removing my robe before stepping into the cold, tiled space. I pulled the curtain across and turned on the water, waiting for it to warm up before stepping into the steady stream. I was already looking forward to the heat that I hoped would help to soak the tension from my muscles, and as I broke into the chorus of the song I felt content for the first time in a little while. I smiled slightly.

"You CAN sing!" I whirled round as the voice rang out from right behind my head, and was met for the second time with those captivating eyes.

"Dude!" I shrieked, yanking the curtain back across, blocking her out again. She simply pulled it back, this time leaning in to shut off the water. I stared at her, shocked.

"You should join the Bellas!" She smiled, a genuine smile, and I wondered if she's somehow forgotten everything.

"Chloe, what the hell are you doing?" She laughed, a sound that was still as entrancing as I remembered, setting off a chain of echoed memories as I stared at her dumbfounded.

"Oh, come on Becs, I've seen it all before." She winked, and I struggled to stay calm.

"Okay, well are you even going to consider the fact that some people don't take kindly to being ambushed by their naked ex in the shower? Without consent? At 2am?" Her smile faltered, and I saw sorrow creep into her eyes. She looked like she wanted to say something else, but I stopped her.

"Chloe, don't. It's just a weird coincidence that I'm here, and honestly I think we both know that we can't just pretend like what happened never happened. I can't anyway. I..." I trailed off, biting my lip. I was about to tell her that every time I looked at my arms I saw evidence of how she shattered me into a million pieces. I almost told her how every time I tried to speak in public, or talk to new people I felt her in the way I couldn't get my mouth to form words. I nearly told her how I lost all my friends after losing her, how I lost my hope and almost my life. I wanted to tell her that I was moving to LA pretty soon anyway, as much as anything because I had to leave this stale pool of memories far behind, and I almost said those fatal words, 'I never stopped loving you.' But I kept my mouth shut, and she gazed at me with unblinking eyes, staring straight into my soul - or so it seemed. She took a deep breath.

"I'm serious about the Bellas, Beca. I never knew you had such an amazing voice; we could really use you on our team." the smile that she gave me was smaller now, more modest and honest, and I returned it, nodding curtly.

"Sure, I guess that'll please my dad anyway." She backed out of the cramped cubicle.

"See you at auditions." she called over her bare shoulder, and I couldn't help but wonder if I had made the right choice in promising to go. Could I face staring into those eyes a third time? And more after that if I were to join the Bellas, possibly every day... I shrugged off the thought and went back to my shower, instead thinking of my next mix, already factoring in titanium and another, more melancholy song to match the taste that stuck at the back of my mouth when I thought of Chloe's piercing, hopeful gaze.

When I walked into the auditorium, the first thing my eyes rested upon was that gaze. That taste hovered at the back of my mouth again, and I tried hard to swallow it down. She waved me over.

"There's one more!" She called to the guy who seemed to be running the audition process, and I walked onto the stage awkwardly. Everyone had been singing a version of some Kelly Clarkson song that had been popular a little while back, but I didn't know it. Chloe hadn't even mentioned it when she invited me to audition, and I wondered at this a little. But, I realised that she wouldn't omit that detail on purpose, and returned her nervous smile.

"I didn't know we had to prepare that song." I mumbled, rubbing my hands together anxiously as I reached the front of the stage. Chloe's smile became reassuring.

"That's okay, sing whatever you want!" I gestured to the cup holding pens on their desk, questioning if I could take it. A look of puzzlement passed over Aubrey's face and Chloe nodded me on. I picked it up and placed it face down in front of me, and I started to tap out a rhythm on the base of the cup, punctuated with claps and movements of the cup across the concrete surface. I then began to sing over the top, the melody and rhythm interweaving and interlocking to create a somehow complex yet simple song. I didn't mention that I had written the lyrics, but they resonated even more when I sang them in the presence of who they had been written about.

"Oh you're gonna miss me when I'm gone." I slammed the cup down with the final line, my eyes fixed firmly on hers. Her expression was strained, and I could tell that my song had sent her thoughts reeling. Aubrey, who was sat beside her, merely nodded and scribbled onto her notepad. I left without a word, no longer caring if I had made it into the Bellas or not, just wanting to forget the way that Chloe had sent my heart racing. I never stopped loving her, and even though every time I saw her face it tore me apart, I was falling in love with her all over again. I reached my dorm in record time, and realised I had probably been running. As I collapsed onto my bed, clutching my head, I cursed myself for being so stupid. I couldn't do this again. I couldn't fall in love with her all over again, for she was a poison that tasted so sweet but rotted my insides and although I was self-destructive to the core it was all because of her and I couldn't bear it. I lay there for a few moments, allowing myself the time to feel the pain that comes with falling, and then I began to numb it. I numbed everything. This had become my coping mechanism over the years, on top of other devices, numbing everything until I became an unfeeling, uncaring shell. It was the only way to survive with the thoughts that she gave me. I sighed and rolled off the bed, realising that I had 10 minutes to get to the campus radio station to start my internship. I had signed up on the day of the activities fair, determined to do something more tangible towards my escape after having bumped into the main reason for leaving. That, and it seemed like a good opportunity to try to get some of my mixes played. I shouldered a satchel and rushed over to the small, run-down building that seemed to radiate a sense of hope and comfort. A bell attached to the door tinkled as I pushed my way in, directed to a back section of the building by a man sitting at a desk. Through this door, I heard the sound of mellow music, and upon opening it was confronted with shelves and shelves full of music, vinyls, CDs and cassettes all stacked haphazardly, piles taking up every available surface that wasn't covered with half-empty coffee mugs. I wrinkled my nose slightly at the disorder, but made my way over to the booth at the very back, noticing that someone was currently sat in it, queuing tracks. The song that had been playing upon my arrival ended, and as it faded out I heard a deep british voice echoing over the monitors, announcing the name of the station and the next track, which then cross-faded smoothly in. At this point, I had reached the window of the booth and looked in, trying to catch the eye of the guy inside, but all I saw was an empty desk chair.

"Hey, you been standing there long?" The same deep voice, this time from directly behind me. I turned quickly to face him.

"No, I just got here, I wasn't..." I trailed off as he quirked and eyebrow and swung back into the booth. "Just standing here." I sighed. Now he probably thought I was some creepy stalker girl trying to spy on him in the booth. I began to follow him into the cramped, murky room that smelled of stale cigarettes, but he was already walking back out with a box crammed full of music in his arms.

"No freshmen allowed in the booth." he stated, sweeping past me.

"I'm Luke, station manager, and you must be Becky the intern?" I opened my mouth to correct him, but was cut off by the arrival of another student.

"Hi I'm Jesse." He grinned, and the guy just shot him a disinterested look. I figured we'd get on quite well.

"I'm Luke, and you're late." He lead us over to a desk, where he placed the box and turned to give us a serious look.

"You guys are gonna be stacking CDs. When you're done, there's more. Oh, and you guys are going to be spending a lot of down-time together, so just no sex on the desk." He glared at Jesse, who seemed to be ignoring him to watch me. Luke sighed, and returned to the booth, closing the door firmly behind him. I began to retrieve the battered CDs from the box, mirroring Luke's sigh.

"This sucks. I wanted to play music." Jesse looked over, still smiling.

"Not me. I'm here for one reason only - I really love stacking CDs." I raised an eyebrow at him, trying to figure out if he was actually being serious, but I couldn't discern anything past his unwavering grin.

"So what's you're deal anyway? Are you one of those girls who's all dark and mysterious, but then she takes off her glasses and that incredibly scary ear-spike and you discover, you know, that she was beautiful all along?" I glanced up, my expression fixed on bored.

"I don't wear glasses." He looked serious for a moment, his gaze boring into mine.

"Then you're already halfway there." I rolled my eyes again, internally cursing my luck that I had somehow landed a lame unpaid job with a not-so-smooth idiot. The next hour was spent in a similar fashion, with Jesse making lame comments and me attempting to ignore him. When I finally left, it was 8pm and I was starving, so I made straight for an on-campus late-night cafe. I guess luck wasn't on my side that night, because meeting number 3 came earlier than I had anticipated. As I made my way over to the counter, I caught a flash of red and blue out of the corner of my eye, and felt my body go cold. Crap. Chloe was seated by herself at a table by the window, and I could see that she was picking her way through a plateful of food, gazing wistfully out onto the darkening quad. Honestly, just my luck that she'd just happen to be here, now. I considered turning round and leaving, but I was already too close to the counter to turn back without looking weird, and besides, my stomach was virtually eating itself by this point. I reached the counter and ordered chips as quickly as possible, silently praying that she wouldn't look across in the time it took to place, pay for and retrieve my order. My heart pounding, I eventually collected my steaming chips, the type in a take-out bag, and keeping my head down, gaze fixed on the floor, I exited the cafe. I thought I had made it, until I heard that familiar voice beside me once again.

"Hi, Beca!" I almost choked on a chip. She drew level with me, smiling broadly.

"Uh, hi Chloe." I replied, coughing.

"Fancy seeing you here. Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I thought your audition piece was really amazing! I didn't get a chance to see you straight after but it really was awesome." She slowed to a halt, and I noticed the bench on the path beside us.

"Can we talk, Becs?" I blinked, surprised at her determination.

"I guess, but what is there really to talk about anymore?" She looked puzzled, but pulled me to sit next to her. I tried to inch away, creating a small gap between us, but she closed it again.

"Beca, I just... I wanted to say that I'm truly sorry for what happened between us, and that if it's possible I'd like us to at least still be friends?" She looked so innocent, so hopeful. All I could think was how cliche this all sounded. And what did she mean, 'at least?'

"Listen, Chloe, there are some thinks that once broken can't be fixed, not completely. When you left me, I-" I stopped, noticing the tears already threatening to push to the front of my eyes, and I grit my teeth, blinking them back angrily. Her smile was long gone.

"Beca?" I could hear the concern in her voice, but shook my head.

"I'm fine." Her eyebrows knitted together in disbelief.

"No, Beca, I can see you're not. You've changed so much in three years, you're so closed off and angry now, and I'm so unbelievably sorry if I did this to you, I just-" I laughed then, so in shock at her stupidity.

"Chloe, if you could see half of what you did to me I don't think you could handle it. And some things really can't be forgotten, so I'm sorry that if every time I see your face it kills me again inside." I rose to my feet, fists clenched by my sides. "And I'm sorry that you can't honestly see what happened to me, because maybe we could fix it. But it's probably too late, isn't it? Had you ever thought of that?" I let the tears escape now, and she rose to stand facing me, eyes wild with worry and fear. I felt her grab my hand, and tried in vain to pull away.

"Beca! Please, tell me what I did, tell me what I need to do now. Let me help you!" She sounded so desperate, but my head was screaming at me to run from her touch.

"I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID, AND I NEARLY DIED FROM IT CHLOE." I hardly realised that I was shouting, nor did I care, as I watched the effect that my words had on her face. She dropped my hand, and started at me in silent horror. I wiped my face angrily, beginning to back away.

"So come back when you think you know how to fix that, yeah?" Then, my instinct really kicked in, and I ran all the way back to my room. The first piece of good luck that night was that Kimmy Jin wasn't in, probably staying at a friend's that night, so I was free to throw myself onto my bed and let my body be wracked with sobs that tore into me like tsunamis. I hadn't meant to tell her that, but in truth I was just so angry. I was furious that she seemed to think it was all so easy, all so fixable, and as I fought back the urge to scream at the top of my lungs, all I could think of was the aftermath.

As I stood and watched her leave, I thought I would never feel again. I had shut off, the pain all too much to bear, and now I was standing alone in the dark, afraid to move for fear of shattering into a million shards of broken glass.

When I finally returned home, my parents weren't in as usual. I went to the kitchen, selected the wickedest looking blade I could find, and carried up to my room. There, I sat and wrote two long letters, one to Chloe, and one to everyone else. My parents probably wouldn't care that much. They hardly ever saw me anyway. I sealed them into neat envelopes and left them out on my desk, moving to sit cross-legged in the middle of the floor. As an afterthought, I began to play a mixtape that Chloe had made me a few months into our relationship, one that had quickly come to consist of my favourite songs. I sat, silently crying on my bedroom floor and made the final decision. This was goodbye. It seemed a little too romeo and juliet for my liking, but if I was honest I knew that I would never be the same without her, and what was the point now anyway. She was the only thing that had been keeping me alive for the past year, and even she had left. I steadied my hand and unzipped the skin of each innocent wrist, allowing my lifeblood to escape and weep down each arm, pooling onto the floor as I laid back and cried to the words of the last song on the mixtape.

"Feel the heat dripping from our dirty tongues

Gathering flames now

Just last year we felt the hell of a sneaky spark

Let it burn us to the ground

There's a hole in all there is to see in these waking days

And it's all fake

Open wide

The taste we've all been tasting in our tongues and in our minds"

After that, my parents kept too close an eye on me, to the point of smothering me in all the affection that I had been denied for the past 16 years of my life. I shut them out, just like I shut everyone else out. When I returned from hospital, pale and hollow with the too white bandages marking out each of my wrists, no one said anything. I guess news travelled faster than I thought in my small town, and almost everyone already knew what I had done. They shunned me, and I didn't care because I was shunning them too. Chloe kept her distance, which I guess is why she never figured out what happened to me, but occasionally I'd catch her eye across the cafeteria as I was collecting a tray, or in the halls as I struggled to put my books into my locker, and I'd see the fear and heartbreak on her face, just like I knew she could see on mine.

"What's up, weirdo, where's your little lesbian friend?" I kept walking, head down, heart beating loudly in my ears.

"Not so fast, I'm talking to you!" I heard feet running to catch me, and I too broke into a run, turning a corner and meeting a dead end, with only the locked supply closet ahead of me. I turned to face my tormentors, the same group of 'mean girls' who had teased Chloe and I whilst we'd been together. They grinned maliciously.

"You not together anymore? Aw, shame, isn't it girls? Too bad you didn't actually succeed in killing yourself Beca, that would have cleared this place of at least one freakshow." She said my name with such venom it retrigerred every single thought of self-loathing that I'd ever had, and it was all I could do to not break down right there. I shouldered past the laughing group, and ran home. I had been coping somehow since my suicide attempt, and had been written off from councelling after they claimed that I was no longer a threat to myself, but lately I'd felt that self-destructive energy building up all over again, and now I knew that I had to release it. I wouldn't try to die again. I couldn't stomach the thought of another failed attempt. Instead, I satisfied myself with smaller cuts that marked each of my limbs. It never got better.

Even now, in college, I was struggling to stay clean for more than a month at a time. And with Chloe back on the scene, another stark reminder of my all-too tangible self-hatred and the reasons behind it, I couldn't stop myself. I knew if she saw this, she'd never forgive me, and so all in all I knew that I had to stay away. I had to try to save us both, just like I'd always done.