[Chloe]
Her audition was amazing. Seeing her sitting just a metre or so away from me, singing so beautifully and openly made me want to leap up and confess everything to her, but the lyrics began to tug at my mind.
"Oh you're gonna miss me when I'm gone." she slammed the cup down, finishing the song, her eyes fixed on mine. I knew with that that she was directing the line at me. I watched her leave, and turned to Aubrey.
"So, what do you think?" She hummed, tapping her pen on her lip whilst scanning the notepad that she had been scribbling on throughout auditions.
"Well, only 8 girls auditioned, and we need everyone we can get... That Lily girl was too quiet but we can probably work on that. Stacie, she's got the look but we need to work on her... inappropriate dance moves. Everyone else was fine. They all need some work but we can make do." She turned to smile at me.
"But wasn't Beca great?! She can sing really well!" She sighed, her brow furrowing.
"Are you going to tell me about what happened between you or not? Because right now I'm getting too much of a view of your toner and I want to know why." I tried to stutter an excuse, but she shook her head, blonde curls flying.
"Chloe, for serious, it's aca-obvious. I've been your best friend since we started here! And if she's going to be part of the Bellas then surely I have a right to know? I don't want there to be any trouble between you two that would throw off the whole dynamic." I sighed, finally nodding slowly. She smiled triumphantly.
"Come on," she said briskly, rising from her seat. "Let's get back to our dorm, you can tell me there." I followed her quietly, not speaking a word for the whole walk back across campus. When we finally dropped down onto the sofa in our dorm, she turned to me with new concern etched onto her face.
"Chloe, I'm worried for you okay? If she's going to just hurt you or cause trouble for you then I won't let her in the Bellas. I don't want her near you if it's hurting you." I bit my lip.
"No, Bree, it's not like that. We... we dated in high school." I saw her eyes widen, and plowed on.
"She was perfect, we were in love, Bree. But you know my parents, they always wanted for me to be dating the macho jock with a bright future in a high-paying, well respected job, so imagine their horror when I came home with a girl who's main interest lay in a career in music. And they were always part of the church, so they honestly hated the fact that I was with her at all. For the year that we dated, they tried their hardest to break us up, to keep us apart, but we persisted. It was amazing..." I could feel my eyes glazing over as I began to lose myself in memories once more. Aubrey cut in, bringing me back to reality.
"So if you were in love and it was so perfect, what happened? Why did she break up with you?" I laughed, short and bitter.
"I broke up with her, Bree. I just couldn't take it anymore. All my friends were shunning me, and most of them had turned on me, not only for dating a girl but for dating one like her. She was never popular in high school, she used to sit alone and everyone just thought she was nerdy and weird. I saw past that though, and after getting to know her outside of school things just clicked. But it was getting to be too much, and my grades were going rapidly downhill because of all the extra stress of my parents yelling at me and each other over it night after night. I couldn't take it anymore. People used to heckle us on the street when we held hands, and a couple of times we got chased. It was horrible, I was so scared. I guess, in truth, I was just young and stupid. I didn't realise what I had until it was gone." Aubrey was clutching my hand now, her other hand rubbing my shoulder soothingly. I realised that I was crying, but carried on talking, determined to get this all out.
"And when I saw her at the activities fair and in the shower-"
"What?!" Aubrey shrieked.
"Yeah I talked her into coming to the audition in the showers, no biggie. And then today, I think... I think I still love her." I saw Aubrey's face contort as she tried to take it all in.
"Was she upset with the breakup?" I nodded glumly.
"It broke her heart. I never saw her after that, but I did hear a couple of rumors going round school afterwards and it sounded like she took it really really hard." I sighed, and got to my feet.
"I'm hungry, want to come to the cafe?" Aubrey shook her head, also standing and walking over to her desk.
"I've got an essay due tomorrow that I need to finish. Will you be okay going alone?" I smiled convincingly and nodded, grabbing a jacket and my phone.
"Well, text me if you need me." I nodded, thankful that my best friend was so thoughtful. I made the short walk from our room to the on-campus cafe, and there ordered a salad and a smoothie. I sat there for hours, watching the students mill about campus, and thought over my situation with Beca. I didn't really know how to approach her anymore. I thought about the rumors again, remembering how I'd brushed them off upon hearing them, convinced that they couldn't be true.
"I heard that she goes to therapy all the time now."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was a suicide attempt." I kept staring straight ahead, trying to block out the gossiping students two tables back. It had been a couple of weeks since the breakup, and rumors were flying.
"I heard that she's still on suicide watch." I saw them nod to each other grimly. No, it couldn't be true. Not Beca. She wouldn't go so far as to try to kill herself. No, it was fine. We were fine.
Everything was fine.
It was about 8pm, and the sky outside was darkening, the groups of students who had been lounging on the quad now beginning to disperse back to their dorms. Noticing the reflection of the rest of the cafe in the window that I was seated beside, I noticed a familiar figure walking in. Beca. This was my chance to talk to her! I waited for her to order her food and start to leave before leaping up from my table to follow. She was moving slowly in the night air now, already selecting a chip from her packet and eating it before I reached level with her shoulder.
"Hi Beca!" She coughed, obviously startled. I smiled broadly.
"Uh, hi Chloe." she replied, and I could hear the apprehension in her tone.
"Fancy seeing you here. Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I thought your audition piece was really amazing! I didn't get a chance to see you straight after but it really was awesome." I glanced at a bench just off the past, and stopped beside it, still smiling. She seemed to notice it too, and blinked nervously.
"Can we talk, Becs?" I tried to keep my tone level and calm, but my heart was racing as she mulled over the question.
"I guess, but what is there really to talk about anymore?" I was surprised by her continued air of disinterest, but pulled her to sit beside me, inching closer when she tried to shuffle away.
"Beca, I just... I wanted to say that I'm truly sorry for what happened between us, and that if it's possible I'd like us to at least still be friends?" I couldn't believe I was being so bold. I was known for my lack of boundaries but I was afraid of what she would say, how she would react. Was she about to confirm everything that I had been fearing for all this time?
"Listen, Chloe, there are some thinks that once broken can't be fixed, not completely. When you left me, I-" She stopped, and I realised that she was fighting back tears. I was no longer smiling.
"Beca?" She shook her head.
"I'm fine." I felt my face morph into an expression of disbelief.
"No, Beca, I can see you're not. You've changed so much in three years, you're so closed off and angry now, and I'm so unbelievably sorry if I did this to you, I just-" suddenly she laughed, a short, harsh sound. It was so bitter that it made my insides twist immediately.
"Chloe, if you could see half of what you did to me I don't think you could handle it. And some things really can't be forgotten, so I'm sorry that if every time I see your face it kills me again inside." She rose to her feet, clenching her fists tightly as I watched on in awe. "And I'm sorry that you can't honestly see what happened to me, because maybe we could fix it. But it's probably too late, isn't it? Had you ever thought of that?" She was crying now, and I rose to stand beside her, taking her hand in a gesture of comfort. She did her best to pull it away, but I retained a firm grip, determined to not let her go so easily this time.
"Beca! Please, tell me what I did, tell me what I need to do now. Let me help you!" I was desperate now, my head spinning as I watched the pain move across her face in waves, each more intense than the last. And then she was screaming, and I could have sworn I felt my heart stop.
"I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID, AND I NEARLY DIED FROM IT CHLOE." I dropped her hand. She wiped at her face angrily, backing away.
"So come back when you think you know how to fix that, yeah?" She turned and ran, and I felt the breath leave my lungs as I tried in vain to gather enough to call her back. I sank to my knees, struggling to breathe, tears escaping my eyes faster than I could wipe them away. I dialed Aubrey's number as fast as I could manage, and pressed the phone to my ear, clutching at my chest. After a couple of rings, she picked up.
"Chloe? What's up, I was just wondering when you'd be back." I could hear her crashing about in the kitchen in the background.
"Bree..." I was choking. I couldn't breathe. All background noise ceased.
"Chloe, what's wrong? Where are you?" I managed to cough out my approximate location before succumbing to the dizziness in my head. Slumping to the ground, I eventually felt hands on my shoulders, trying to wake me up. There was only one train of thought trapped in my mind, looping over and over and over. She still loved me. She really did try to kill herself. She never stopped loving me.
"Chloe, what's wrong, don't you love me?" My latest boyfriend, Chad, was clumsily grabbing at me, trying to pull me closer. In my head I heard the violently echoing response, 'no, I'm still in love with Beca and you're an idiot.'. but I remained silent.
"Come on babe, why not?" I tried to push him off, but he was getting more and more angry, eventually pushing me up against the wall with force I couldn't overcome.
"You're just a slut, leading guys on like this!" I was crying, but that didn't stop him from slamming me into the wall repeatedly, dropping me when I finally cried out. He backed away, and spat at the floor in front of me.
"Call me when you've sorted out your priorities."
It was all so meaningless. Ever since her I'd been with guys that meant nothing to me, nothing but a way to redeem myself in front of my parents and friends. It was then that I realised that they didn't matter, and they never had, and yet I had broken the heart of the one person who truly did just to please them. I felt sick with who I was. Sick to my stomach.
Back in our room, Aubrey came and sat beside me on the sofa, cradling two mugs of hot chocolate. She had enlisted the help of a passing student to drag me back here, pretending that I had just passed out after getting drunk. I had come round after being laid out on the couch, and now I shifted into a sitting position, picking up my mug and taking a scorching sip. I reveled in the way the liquid burnt the lips that had brought about so much pain. Aubrey was staring at me, waiting for an explanation. I sighed and conceded, and briefly explained what had transpired between Beca and I before I had collapsed. She shook her head when I told her about the rumors that I had found new stock in.
"Chloe, this is bad. I think you two should just stay away from each other. She's obviously better now, or else she wouldn't be here, and being together is obviously just complicating past issues. You both just need to let go."
"But how can I, Bree? God, I still love her. I need to tell her. I need to tell her that." I tried to stand, but fell back when my head immediately began to spin. Aubrey sighed heavily, and placed her mug down on the table beside her, reaching across to throw a blanket over me.
"You need to rest. If you're that determined then wait 'til Bellas tomorrow, you can talk to her then." I nodded, realising that it would be near impossible for me to find her otherwise, not when I didn't even know where her dorm room was. As I drifted off into sleep, my head drooping onto Aubrey's shoulder, I pictured Beca's face once more graced by a smile that meant the whole world to me, a smile that I put there. And in that moment, I knew what I had to do.
[Beca]
I woke to my phone spilling out the sound of 'Titanium' beside my head, vibrating furiously. I had set an alarm, knowing that I had to turn up to rehearsals for the Bellas that afternoon. Upon returning to my dorm the previous night, still emotionally exhausted after my confrontation with Chloe, I had found a note stuck to the door congratulating me on being accepted into the Bellas, and instructing that I be there at 9am sharp the following morning. It felt more like a deathwish than a reason to celebrate, but I grudgingly set the alarm, skimming over thoughts of Chloe and instead focusing on earning brownie points from my dad. This was exactly the type of thing he meant when he told me to 'join in' with college, in his vain attempt to keep me here. And so, I dragged myself out of bed at 8:30 am, threw on jeans, a red shirt and my leather jacket and after brushing through my hair quickly, I made my way over to the rehearsal hall in which I had auditioned the day before. Apparently, I was early in comparison to the others, for at 9 it was still just me and another, loud girl who referred to herself as 'Fat Amy' sitting uncomfortably in the hall. She was happily describing to me her 'wild' life back in Tasmania when more girls started to walk in. First came a tall girl who introduced herself as Stacie, quickly followed by Cynthia-Rose, Lily (who was so quiet it took us 3 attempts to discern her name at all), Jessica and Ashley. We sat waiting for the two seniors, and were greeted with whispered bickering through the double doors as they finally approached.
"Chloe! For serious, afterwards. I don't want this screwing up my rehearsal schedule!"
"Bree I'm sorry okay, fine, you're right." We heard someone snort in triumph, and the doors flew open to reveal our new leaders. Aubrey made straight for the front, clapping her hands to bring the chattering Bellas to attention.
"Sorry I'm late everybody," she shot a look at Chloe, who was miserably standing beside her, eyes downcast. She gestured to the chairs set up in front of her.
"Everyone take a seat, sopranos in the front, altos in the back." Aubrey had a brisk, determined tone and we did as she asked. I hesitated slightly before taking a seat in the back row. It hadn't escaped my notice that Chloe kept shooting me furtive looks from her place at the front, but I tried to ignore them and focus on Aubrey's intensive briefing.
"I have some rules. The first, and most important is this; no sexual relations with a treblemaker, or your vocal chords will be ripped out by wolves." She glared at Stacie at this point, who sniggered.
"Is there a problem, Stacie?"
"That's gonna be tricky; he's a hunter." She gestured to her crotch.
"You call it a dude?" I gaped at her, and the others laughed.
"Enough!" Cried Aubrey, her face set. "Stacie, the trebles don't respect us, and if we let them penetrate us we are giving them our power." She turned to the board behind her, and Stacie shifted her legs uncomfortably.
"Not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate..." Fat Amy muttered from beside me. I grinned, and Aubrey began to talk us through the complex diagram on the board, explaining that we would start each rehearsal with cardio, (to which we all groaned) and would start work on everything else effective immediately. She also began to mention a gig the next week, but I phased out halfway through, and was startled when I realised that she was suddenly dismissing us. I rose to leave, but Aubrey stopped me.
"Beca! A word?" I walked over calmly, trying to appear casual, aware that I might be about to take a lecture for not listening. To my surprise, she instead took a stab at my appearance.
"You know you'll have to take those... ear monstrosities out for the fall mixer?" She smiled sweetly, and I felt my anger rise.
"You really don't like me, do you?" She cocked her head.
"I don't like your attitude." I huffed, and turned to leave. Chloe was standing awkwardly by the door, and I realised that I'd have to walk past her. Tugging on my sleeves, I tried to rush past, but stopped when her hand flew out to catch my arm.
"Beca..." she almost whispered, and my heart melted when I saw the concern in her eyes, threatening to spill over and onto the concrete floor. I sighed, and turned to face her, clearing my throat to speak.
"I'm sorry for yelling last night. Maybe you're right, maybe we should talk. Do you, uh, do you want to go grab a coffee somewhere?" She looked up, her eyes now hopeful and bluer than ever, piercing straight through into my soul.
"I'd love to." she replied, offering a small smile, and followed me out into the sunshine.
AN: So I said I'd take my time on this chapter but hey ho, I never realised that my revision breaks could be so productive. Enjoy!