AN: WARNING; some aspects of this chapter may be triggering for self harm / suicide. The main triggering bit is again, during the sequence in italics, but some of it comes before that in the main body of the text so if you feel like you might be affected then please proceed with caution.
[Chloe]
"Have you had a panic attack before?" Beca was curled into my side now, her head resting on my shoulder. I kept pinching myself, terrified that I would wake up from dreaming. But it was real. I was whole again. She looked up at me when I didn't answer.
"Chlo?" I tilted my head slightly.
"Sorry, just admiring how well you fit here." I tucked my arm further around her shoulders, pulling her even closer. She smiled softly, and gestured that I continue.
"Uh, yeah, after last night. After you ran off... I had to call Aubrey, and then I blacked out and when I woke up back in our room she told me that she'd had to get a random guy to help her carry me back." My eyes glazed over as I remembered each experience.
"It was horrible." She snuggled into me, her hand tracing circles across the skin on the back of my hand.
"I know. I was scared too this time. I didn't know what was happening." She sighed, and turned to smile at me again.
"I'm almost glad that it happened though Chloe. Wait that does sound horrible, I just mean, I-" I cut her off with another burning kiss, silencing her protests with a flick of my eyebrow when she tried to start talking again as I broke away.
"I know what you mean Beca. Anything to bring me back to you... It's actually quite fitting that it's a product of my own stupidity." She snorted and kissed me again.
"You know," I continued, caressing a strand of her chestnut hair that had escaped onto her expectant face. "I think we'd have found our way back to each other anyway. It's kind of like those birds that make a mental map of the stars above their nest when they're born, and always migrate back to that exact same spot." I grinned at her raised eyebrow.
"Wow, majoring in English Lit. has done nothing good for your cheesy poetic side, you know that?" I whacked her arm playfully, glancing up as someone loomed into view beside the chair. I looked up, and into Aubrey's scowling face.
"Chloe." She stated, making no move to sit down as Beca practically fell off me, blushing.
"Bree, I -" She put her hand up, cutting me off.
"Save it, Chloe. I just want you to know that I've already seen what she does to you, and I'm not going to be responsible for picking up the pieces when this goes wrong." She looked down at Beca, who was now crouched beside the sofa, unsure of what to do.
"You. Alt Girl - If you do anything to hurt my best friend, I will personally strangle you with your headphone chords then feed your body to the High Notes, have I made myself clear?" She didn't wait for Beca's stuttered response, instead turning on her heel to go.
"Wait, Bree, what are you even doing here?" I called out after her.
"You weren't answering your cell, and I knew you were with her so I had to make sure you hadn't blacked out again." She shot back over her shoulder, and then she was gone in a whirlwind of anger. Beca turned to me, stunned.
"Well, I thought she didn't like me before, but now I'm pretty sure she hates my guts." She sat back beside me miserably. I grabbed her hand and placed it back into my lap, stroking it soothingly.
"Aubrey can be... hot-headed at times. She gets very protective and, well, she saw how upset I was the other night. She just doesn't want to see me get hurt again, she'll come round when she sees how happy we are together." She didn't look entirely convinced, but I noticed her eyes light up when I offered to order a second round of drinks. We stayed that way, curled up comfortably in the tiny little coffee shop until closing time at 7pm. We drove back singing along to the radio at full blast, Beca once again stunning me into silence on occasion with her improvised mixes. When I drew up in my usual space in the campus parking lot, I took a moment to turn my thoughts over in my head, before deciding to voice them.
"Beca. I really do love you. Like, a lot. I don't honestly know what ever could have made me forget that, even for a moment. I was just scared. I was... I was blind, back then. Blinded by the people that I thought actually mattered." I laughed bluntly. "Guess that got thrown back in my face. I tried really hard to please them. My parents, my 'friends'. I dated these stupid, fickle guys who just got mad when they realised that I wasn't just going to let them into bed with me. And every time I brought a new guy home, my parents looked so content. Why were they more content to let me be involved with a million guys, a new dumb no-hoper jock every week, when they could blatantly see that I spent the happiest year of my life with you." I took a shuddering breath, finally releasing all of my long kept emotion in one painful outburst. I shook my head, lips pressed tightly together, my hands still on the steering wheel.
"You know, one night, I came home bruised and bleeding. This one guy had tried to force me to... Well, I refused, and he just shoved me against a wall. He didn't care about me at all. He just wanted me for sex and was fully prepared to beat the shit out of me when I dented his precious ego. And when I walked in the door crying and beat up, my parents didn't look half as unhappy as they did the day I brought you home. And every time my finger hovered over the call button on the phone beside your number, I just saw their faces silently hating me, hating what I was and I couldn't... I couldn't work up the guts to do it. It was killing me but I carried on pretending. And then I came here, and I met Aubrey. She saw straight through my bullshit. She saw that I was hurting, that I didn't want the guys who came knocking every night, trying to take me to parties to get me wasted. She took care of me, more than anyone had done since I left you. And slowly, she helped me to realise that I was better than that, that I didn't need to try to please anyone. She made me feel good enough. And so, I put all my heart into my classes and singing. Aubrey and I really passionate about the Bellas, if you hadn't already noticed." I laughed again, suddenly feeling the weight of the truth lifting slowly off my chest with every slow, passive tear that slid down my cheeks.
"I guess... I guess it just took me a long time to learn. It's so annoying when those weird old sayings are right, but you never really know what you have until it's gone. It's true. It took the absence of you to really understand what you meant to me. I made the biggest mistake of my life that day, and now I have a second chance and I just want to let you know that I'm never doing that again. I just hope you'll stay with me forever because I'm done running from the truth, okay? I'm here now. I've reached the same level of realisation that you were always at. I love you Beca, and I'm never going to stop. I never did." She had been silent all through my little speech, and only now did I see her move to wipe her own face, before leaning across to brush a tear from mine. I smiled weakly at her, and she undid her seatbelt to slide closer, allowing me to fall into her arms, sobs wracking my body as I finally let go of all the pain that I'd been holding close to me since I left. When I was finally done crying, she sat up to look me straight in the eyes.
"I'm so glad that you're here again Chloe. I love you too, and I'm not going anywhere either. I promise." She kissed me then, and it was all the sweeter for the meaning behind it. Stability. I had always felt the primary urge to latch on to certainty. For as long as I could remember, I gravitated towards safety. I was going to have to relearn this girl, this girl that I loved with all my heart, and I was suddenly okay with that. I knew that this wasn't safe of stable, this wasn't certain and I had to rely on hope and just keep pushing for what it all meant, but every time her lips met mine I knew it was right, and every time I saw those storm-wrought eyes it took me to the home that I had forged with her right from the start. She was my constellation. She was my star map. She was my home.
[Beca]
I woke in the night, shaking and gripping at my head as my silent scream echoed inside of it. I glanced at the digital clock beside my bed; 4:26 am. I groaned as I felt the ice in the pit of my stomach, remnants of the nightmare that had torn through my slumber. Kimmy Jin wasn't in her bed, nor had she been in the room when I returned from my evening with Chloe, so I figured that she was staying with a friend. I sat up, scratching at my arms absentmindedly. I took the opportunity to examine them in the moonlight. The multitude of scars glistened as I rotated my arm slowly, taking in the sight of each one individually, remembering the harsh story behind each. This was the one thing that I had yet to talk to Chloe about; she didn't know how much it had impacted my life, and as I looked over the fresh red lines that graced the inside of my wrist I knew that she'd feel terrible that it was still so prevalent. I didn't know how to even start to tell her about it all. She'd just spilled everything to me only hours ago, and so I felt obliged to do the same. And yet, it was so horrible. Yes, it made me feel sick with anger to hear of how boys had treated her, and how her family and so-called 'friends' just stood by and let it happen her in my absence, but I had a feeling that evidence of my own self-destruction would be even harder for her to stomach. I sighed deeply, and drew my sleeves back down over my hands, covering up the burdens that remained etched into my skin for now. As I lay back onto my bed, I ran over the nightmare in my head. It was a reoccurring dream that I'd been having ever since my suicide attempt.
I sat on the floor, cross-legged in the middle of my room, sobbing to the words of 'Defeat The Low'. I was cradling a large blade in my hands, watching the tears slide across it and waiting for the courage to use it to appear in my fingertips, but it wasn't yet there. Suddenly, I heard the landing outside creak, and my door flew open. I dropped the blade and stood up hastily, dragging my hands across my face to eradicate the tears. It was Chloe.
"Chloe..." I reached out to take her hand, but she just glanced at the knife on the floor and laughed. It was a harsh, cruel sound, unlike her usual bubbling laugh that I likened to the sound of a cascading waterfall. Then, she motioned towards my wrists, and I felt a hot liquid beginning to trickle down my hands, and off the ends of my fingers. I looked down, and saw the flesh cut down to the bone, my life rapidly seeping out.
"What have you done now? God, you just keep on messing things up, don't you? This is exactly why I left, Beca." She spat my name out like it burnt her tongue, and she sneered as I began to cry again.
"Stop crying. You're so pathetic." I sank to my knees, the song reaching it's crashing chorus.
"Help...me..." I croaked, trying again to reach out to her, but finding that I could no longer move my arms. I watched helplessly as my parents entered the room, standing on either side of Chloe.
"Mum... Dad..." I tried to call out to them but my voice was barely a whisper.
"Oh Chloe, look at that, she's ruined the carpet!" my mum, brisk and busy was already tutting, shaking her head at the steadily growing pool of blood. My dad nodded sternly, pushing his glasses down his nose to look over them sternly.
"Now Beca, look how irresponsible you are. First talk of skipping college to move to LA and be a DJ, and now you've messed up the carpet! You've upset your mother and I too much lately."
"And me!" added Chloe, raising her eyebrow at my attempts to stutter out an apology as I felt myself get weaker and weaker.
"And the funeral bills will be through the roof I bet. You're so selfish Beca." My dad turned, and led them out of the room, Chloe exiting last and giving me one final bitter smirk before slamming the door behind her, locking it seconds later. I tried to get up, to call them back, but nothing was working anymore. I was trapped. I was screaming but it wouldn't leave my throat. The breath was stuck in my lungs. I couldn't move.
I always woke up screaming silently.
x
The next day was defined only by the 'excitement' of another grueling Bellas rehearsal (somehow even more exhausting and aggravating that the last) and contrasting with the still monotony of work at the station. Jesse was perpetually overly-cheerful whilst I remained silent and pensive, and the only moments of real interest came in the form of brief exchanges with Luke. He'd come out of the booth every so often to brew a new cup of strong coffee, and I'd have 'til the kettle boiled and his queue of tracks ran out to make conversation. I used this time wisely and to my favour, with the overall goal of getting him to listen to my mixes.
"I have a submissions pile on my desk you know. You could drop some stuff in whenever and I'll take a listen." he stated during a quick coffee run. I looked up from the vinyl with a faded label that I was trying hard to read.
"Really?" I said, too eagerly, and took my excited tone back a bit. "I mean, yeah that'd be cool." He grinned at me, already moving back to the booth.
"I'll look forward to hearing some stuff." The door closed, but I felt the metaphorical door of opportunity open, and smiled all through the rest of the shift, even when Jesse talked about 'Jaws' for an hour straight. When I arrived back at my dorm, I was greeted by the most pleasant surprise I'd had all day, which in truth wasn't a major achievement as the only other thing that had surprised me that day was how much Aubrey could vomit when she was nervous, and how many laps of the hall I could actually run before collapsing. Chloe stood shyly beside my door, holding two take-out coffee cups in her hands. She spotted me approaching and beamed, handing me one of the cups.
"Sorry, it's probably a little cold now, I didn't know exactly when you were due back so I've been here a little while." I returned her eager smile, leaning in to kiss her softly. I pulled away as my fingers found my keys buried deep in my pocket, and I quickly unlocked the door and lead her inside.
"I've been waiting to do that all day." I sighed wistfully. Kimmy Jin was out again, which was an unusual miracle, and one that I made the most of. I deposited first my coffee cup and bag, and then Chloe's stuff onto the desk, quickly turning back to pull her into a deep kiss. She gently pushed me back onto the bed until she was lying on top of me, fingers entangled in my hair. She moved her mouth to my neck now, leaving a trail of wet kisses that left me gasping.
"Fuck, I've missed you so much." I groaned as she moved her hands across my sides, aching for her touch again. She smiled as she brought her face to hover over mine again, her eyes dark with longing. I felt her hands on the material of my shirt, and gave in to desire. It was hard to not remember the other nights like this, and bits and pieces of each perfect night flashed in and out as she went down, button by button, undoing my shirt.
Her hands tentatively searched across my skin, seeking a reaction. She got one in the form of my kiss, doubled in intensity, and my slight moans, the ones I couldn't hold back.
Her hands reached back up to lift the shirt off my shoulders, and I obliged in sitting up so that she could remove it. She also pulled off the t-shirt that I was wearing underneath and threw them both across the room in a heap. She raked her eyes across my exposed skin, and I smiled, closing my eyes with another memory.
She bit her lip as the waves of release crashed over her. I could tell she was fighting hard to stay quiet, and eased her off her high with satisfaction at her shuddering breath and flushed cheeks. She gripped the back of my head and pulled me back in for another kiss, this one softer and more of love than of lust.
I opened my eyes again just in time to see Chloe's own eyes widen, her smile vanishing. I sat up, causing her to shuffle down to sit further back on my hips.
"Chloe? What's wrong?" And then I snapped back into reality. She could see my scars. Every single one, bar those on my legs, but the worst were all exposed. I mirrored her shock and leapt up, causing her to roll off to the side, leaving her sat on the bed, dazed. I threw on a shirt and a hoodie, unable to stop the tears from cascading down my face as I replayed her fading smile in my mind, over and over. What had I done. I stopped thinking and started moving, exiting the dorm without even picking up my keys. I heard her grab them and scramble to follow me, chasing me out into the dark.
"Beca!" She called, sprinting after me, slowing as I stopped and spun to face her. She approached me cautiously now, hand outstretched.
"It's okay Beca. We can just talk about this, it's okay."
"But it's not! Don't you see? I'm not worth you, I'm a stupid, ugly piece of shit and I hurt you and I'm so so sorry." I broke down now, letting myself fall into her arms. I wanted to keep running, but I had lost the energy to move at all, and so I let her hands press into my spine as she held me, planting kisses atop me head with every sob.
"Beca. Listen to me." She tightened her arms. "I love you. You are beautiful, and kind, funny, smart, and you're an amazing DJ who's gonna make it big because you have passion for what you do. I don't care what I drove you to do in the past Beca. I still think you're beautiful. I know that you're still beautiful, and if you'll let me, I want to help you feel that way too." I hugged her back now, my arms gripping her waist so tightly I thought I might crush her. And we stood there in that desperate embrace for long enough for the sky to open and rain start to fall.
"Becs, it's raining. We should get inside." Chloe whispered into my ear, still holding me. My tears had long dried up, and I was silent. I nodded into her chest, but made no other move to leave.
"Come on. The only storms I like to weather are the ones that you hear from being all tucked up indoors." I looked at her now, and I saw her smile.
"That's how your eyes make me feel, you know. The warmth of sheltering from a storm." She kissed me lightly on the nose, and then scooped me up into her arms. I squealed.
"Chloe! What are you doing?" She carried me back to my dorm with me protesting all the way, and laughingly deposited me onto the bed. She grabbed a towel from my drawers and began to dry us off, smiling all the time. Then, we got into bed together and lay in each others arms, feeling like a puzzle finally put back together.
"I love you." I whispered as I drifted off into sleep.
"I love you too." she replied, playing with my hair.
As usual, I woke up silently screaming.
AN: I need to work on my cliffhangers... Anyway, there is yet more on its way, so it's not over yet, even though it may seem that way :')