AN: WARNING: aspects of this chapter are potentially triggering for self harm, proceed with caution if you feel you might be affected. Expect chapter 8 soon! And thank you for all the amazing feedback so far, it's great to hear that so many of you are really loving the story! :)
[Chloe]
Something whacked me in the side of my head, and I jolted awake. I took a few seconds to gauge my surroundings, and realised that I was in Beca's bed. It was still dark out, and when I turned to look for the girl I noticed that it had been her flailing arm that had hit me. She was sat up in the tangled sheets, panting, with tears and sweat mixing on her slightly coloured cheeks.
"Beca?" I mumbled, also sitting up and rubbing the side of my head. She turned her head quickly, eyes wild.
"Chloe? Oh my god, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, I-" I shook my head, moving in closer.
"No it's okay. What's wrong?" She bit her lip, and I pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"I... I have this, this nightmare. Almost every night, the same one, I've had it ever since I tried to... tried..." she trailed of, shaking. I wrapped her up completely in my embrace, pulling her back to lie on the bed again.
"It's okay. I'm here."
"I know. I'm sorry." I let my gaze linger on hers, surprised at her apology.
"You don't need to keep apologising. It's not your fault. We're gonna fix things, okay?" She nodded, and I pressed my lips to her, eager to help her forget the nightmare. She returned my kiss hesitantly at first, but then with more and more desperation.
x
It was 6:30 am when Kimmy Jin decided to make an appearance, crashing into the room, snorting at the sight of me and Beca curled up in bed together before grabbing a pile of textbooks and leaving again. I groaned as the door slammed behind her, and felt Beca stir beside me.
"What did you ever do to deserve such a grumpy roommate." I joked, throwing off the covers and standing up to stretch and yawn.
"No idea, but I'd rather Kimmy Jin than Aubrey!" I shot her a look, unable to maintain my stern expression at the sight of her tousled bed-head.
"Someone could use a shower." I remarked, then gasping when I turned to take in my own reflection in the mirror.
"I'm not the only one." She smirked, getting up to grab a towel and her shower bag.
"Come on red, you can just borrow my shampoo." I smiled as she lead the way to the nearby shower block, the one where we had had our awkward encounter only days previously. We chose adjacent stalls, and made short work of quickly showering and washing out our tangled hair, as there were other people in the showers at this time of morning. We returned to Beca's dorm, and I borrowed a pair of her sweatpants and a t-shirt that was baggy on her shorter frame, but fit me perfectly.
"Was this mine or something?" I queried, as I noted this fit. She shrugged absentmindedly, busy applying her thick black eyeliner. I went and stood behind her, my hands resting on her shoulders.
"You really have changed a lot, you know. I'm surprised you even had a pair of sweatpants in your drawer at all!" I said, running my eyes across her drawer full of plaid shirts and dark tank-tops.
"Yeah, I guess. And everyone needs at least one pair!" She laughed, elbowing me playfully. I smiled back, glancing at her clock.
"Shit, Beca! It's almost time for Bellas!" She groaned, acknowledging this fact.
"God, Aubrey is such a slave-driver. I swear, if she makes us do that much cardio again today I'm going to have an aneurism." I rolled my eyes, dragging her away from the mirror and quickly pulling my shoes on.
"You think she's harsh now, then wait 'til you see her after you're late for a rehearsal. It's not pretty." She looked at me with wide eyes, and doubled her speed. We rushed over to the rehearsal room with 2 minutes to spare, panting as we took our seats beside the other girls.
"Alright you guys, no need to do any extra cardio, you're not gonna get on blondie's good side that easy." laughed Fat Amy, nudging me as I leant back in my chair.
"Over...slept..." I breathed. Stacie raised an eyebrow, glancing to Beca and then back to me.
"Both of you?" The other girls turned round to gawp, and Beca and I both flushed bright red.
"No!" I cried, too quickly, because Cynthia-rose just wiggled her eyebrows and winked.
"It's okay, we'll keep your little secret from Aubrey." joked Fat Amy.
"I already know." Came a cold voice from behind the rotating whiteboard as the girl in question came into view.
"Jesus Aubrey, how long have you been standing there?" Amy shrieked, but Aubrey ignored the question, instead turning to look me up and down with an air of distaste.
"Nice of you to tell me where you were last night." I gulped, realising that she'd probably been worried when I didn't return to our dorm after my evening with Beca.
"Bree, I-" She cut me off with a glare.
"Whatever. Right, let's get to work, ladies! I want 50 laps, go go go!" We all groaned and got up to begin our torture. I made straight for Aubrey, who was now scribbling on the whiteboard, still silently fuming.
"Bree," I mumbled, placing my hand on her shoulder. She spun round, eyes blazing.
"Listen, Chloe, I don't care that you're seeing her, good for you, you can obviously do whatever the hell you want, I'm not your MOTHER for god's sake. But if I'm suddenly coming second to her then at least have the courtesy to tell me, okay? Don't forget which of us put you in the gutter and which of us pulled you out of it." I stood there in stunned silence as she swept past me, egging the girls on.
"You can do it, come on ladies! Amy, let's move!" I couldn't believe that she had actually just said that. I turned and pulled her back.
"Aubrey, what the hell? I know you hate her but I told you, I was the one who left her in high school, not the other way around! It was always my fault, not Beca's! And what you did for me... I'll never forget Bree. You're my best friend and you always will be, but you have to understand, I'm just figuring everything out. I've just realised that I've got this incredible second chance and I'm so scared I'll mess it up, I never wanted to hurt you..." I saw her expression soften, and she nodded tightly.
"I get it. Let's talk about this later okay, when I'm less stressed." I blinked.
"Yeah okay. I will be coming home tonight by the way. That was a last minute thing last night, I'm so sorry I forgot to text, there was a lot going on..." She nodded again, and gestured that I join in for the last few laps of running.
"It's okay, we'll talk later." I breathed a sigh of relief that for now, anyway, she wasn't completely infuriated with me. Rehearsals were a quieter affair following her outburst, with the other girls whispering and shooting looks across at me and Beca when we sat together during breaks.
"They totally know." She sighed, unscrewing the cap on her water-bottle and taking a swig. I nodded, not entirely sure of how to deal with the situation.
"I know, I don't know how to approach this though..." I trailed off as I noticed the girls walking towards us.
"Wassup aca-bitches." Fat Amy grinned, plonking herself down on the floor beside me. The other girls followed suit. I tried not to blush.
"Hiya guys." A brief uncomfortable silence ensued, until Cynthia-rose finally cracked and broke it.
"Okay, look, we were just wondering... Are you guys really together?" I glanced at Beca, who had her eyes fixed on the floor. I realised what I had to do. Shuffling closer, I lifted her chin gently until her face was level with mine. And then I kissed her. Not just a small kiss, but a full on passionate i-love-you-makeout-session-probably-leading-to-sex kiss. I heard gasps from around me as she kissed me back, arms looping around my neck to pull me closer, and then cheers as we broke away and smiled, breathing hard.
"Yes." I said, my eyes never leaving her face. She returned the smile, then looked back to the others. We were met with only best wishes, and spent the rest of the rehearsal with our hands locked together whenever possible. It felt amazing to have some kind of acceptance for once. I'd spent the first year with Beca facing ridicule, and being hated and shunned for loving her, but now I had a group of friends who were so happy that we were together, and it made me feel incredible. I finally felt comfortable, and we held hands all the way back to her dorm.
"I have a shift at the station again tonight, and you should probably get back to Aubrey." Beca stated reluctantly as we reached her door, and I pulled her in for another dazzling kiss.
"I suppose you're right. What a shame you're so sensible..." I drawled, winking as she flushed slightly.
"Well, you can always come over later..." she mused, and I giggled.
"I'll text you." She waved as I practically skipped back to my dorm. Now I just had to clear things with Aubrey, but I wasn't too worried. Everything seemed to be going so well.
[Beca]
As I let myself into the back room that held the music collection and the DJ booth, the first thing I noticed was the absence of the station-master himself, Luke. He wasn't bobbing around in the booth, and I couldn't see him amongst any of the towering shelves, crammed full of records. I shrugged off my bag, and got to work on a particularly haphazard pile of records. A few minutes later, Jesse burst in.
"Hey weirdo." He called, already making his way over to the booth.
"Luke's not here." I replied, seeing where he was headed. He stopped and turned to look at me quizzically.
"He's not?" I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders as I turned back to my work.
"Nah, he's not in the booth or anywhere in this room at any rate." suddenly, I felt his presence right behind me, and turned back to see that he was standing a few centimetres away, wobbling slightly.
"Are you drunk?" He laughed, and I could smell the pungent alcohol on his breath.
"Jeez, Jesse, who gets drunk at four in the afternoon?" He stepped closer, smiling.
"Unrequited loversss" he slurred, leaning ever closer to my face. I pushed him back slightly.
"Whoever she is, I'm sure she'll come round eventually. You should probably leave before Luke shows up, I don't think he'll like you being drunk on shift." He tutted, still swaying slightly.
"Beca, I saw you can Chlo-Chloe today. You like her, don't you?"
"Yeah, Jesse. I love her." He laughed again.
"See...I knew it. You're not ever coming round." I gasped with the realisation.
"It's me you've been drinking over?" He pressed into me, and I felt the desk at my back, realising that I had nowhere to go.
"I'm sorry Jesse. How about we get you back to your dorm and we can talk about this later?" I tried desperately to push him off me, but he kept pressing into me.
"Luke...Luke said no sex on the d-desk," he hiccuped, and pushed his face right up to mine, his hands reaching around my waist clumsily. "And Luke isn't here right now..." I shrieked as he tried to push me on top of the desk, hitting him in the face in an attempt to free myself. He looked at me, suddenly furious.
"Beca, you fucking bitch! You hit me!" He squared his shoulders, hands curling into fists. He grabbed one of my wrists in his hand, easily encircling it with his larger fingers, crushing it in a vice-like grip. I gasped at the intense pain that his grasp caused, but that was nothing compared to what it felt like when he punched me. First hitting me square in the face, he drew back and hit me again in the stomach, causing me to double over and drop to the floor, gasping. I heard a shout from the doorway over the ringing in my ears, and looked up through streaming eyes to see Luke running over and putting Jesse in a headlock.
"Beca, are you okay?" I coughed, trying to stand up, but falling back and clutching at my stomach. Luke gripped Jesse even tighter.
"What the fuck are you doing Jesse?"
"He's.. drunk..." I managed to wheeze, and Luke shook his head, disgusted.
"He's fired. I'm going to escort him out of here and then I'll come back to look at you, okay Beca?" I nodded, and Luke dragged Jesse's angry form out of the room. He returned a moment later, helping me to my feet. I was breathing a little easier now, and thanked him.
"No need, Beca, that was WAY out of line. I'm going to report him to the dean, but right now I think we need to get you looked at." I shook my head.
"I'll be fine, just bruised. Could you maybe help me back to my dorm though? I could do with lying down..." He nodded quickly, draping my arm over his broad shoulders and picking me up entirely, carrying me swiftly out of the building. We got a few odd looks as he carried me back to my room in Baker hall, and a bemused Kimmy Jin opened the door to let him in. He briefly explained to her what had happened as he lay me out on the bed, before kneeling down to talk to me.
"If you need anything, you have my number, just call okay?" I nodded, and thanked him again.
"You're gonna want to ice that." He left, and Kimmy Jin cleared her throat nervously. This was the first time I'd ever seen her not angry around me.
"Are you okay Beca? Do you want me to get you some ice?" I nodded gratefully, and she got up to leave.
"Thank you, Kimmy Jin." She nodded curtly before exiting, closing the door firmly behind her. I checked my phone, noticing a text from Chloe. It read, 'Hey short-stuff, what time do you want me round? ;)" I debated telling her to come over, knowing that she would want to fuss over my rapidly colouring bruises, muttering to herself all the while about how much of a dick Jesse was, but in the end I just replied, 'Sorry, last minute essay I forgot to finish, see you tomorrow x' I sighed as I hit send, leaning my head back onto the pillow. A reply buzzed in only seconds later.
'Everything okay? xxx' I cursed internally, knowing all too well that she was terrifyingly good at reading me, even through text.
'Okay come over then, but don't say I didn't warn you. xxx' I shot back, groaning in defeat.
'What's that supposed to mean? I'll be there in 5 xxx'
Kimmy Jin re-appeared at that moment carrying an armful of ice wrapped in two towels.
"Here," she said softly, placing one gently on my stomach and handing me the other to hold to my already swollen face.
"Thank you." I smiled at her, grateful that she was being so nice.
"That's okay. I'm sorry I've never been all that nice to you Beca..." She acknowledged, returning to her desk chair. I shrugged slightly.
"That's alright, you're being lovely now, when it matters." She returned my smile.
"Oh, by the way, Chloe's on her way over. I hope you don't mind." She shook her head.
"That's fine, I was about to go and stay the night with my friend anyway, we have a test tomorrow that we need to cram for. I'll be out of your way." She replied, getting up and gathering her pile of books and stationary. She paused before exiting, looking back at me.
"Are you guys... dating?" I nodded.
"Yeah." She tilted her head.
"Cool. No sex on my bed." I laughed, and she left the door slightly ajar behind her. Chloe appeared through it moments later, closing it this time as she entered cheerfully.
"What was all that about an essay, Becs? Trying to get rid of me?" She stopped when she noticed the ice packs on my face and stomach. "What happened?!" She rushed to my side.
"Jesse... We were alone in the station and he was, well, wasted drunk. He said he was drunk because he saw us together and he likes me but knows he has no chance, and then... He tried to, uhm, take advantage of me and I shoved him off. He got really angry and sort of punched me a bit, and then Luke came in and took him out and carried me back here. Kimmy Jin even got me ice and apologised for being mean, so it's not all bad..." I trailed off, wincing as she adopted a horrified expression.
"JESSE did this to you? He tried to... I'm going to kill him! And he's a treble! When Aubrey hears about this,-" I placed my free hand on her arm, calming her movements.
"Please don't tell Aubrey. She'll go mental, and I don't really want everyone to know..." Chloe raised an eyebrow, but relented, now moving to sit beside me on the bed.
"Good thing nurse ginger is in then I guess." she giggled, kissing me softly.
We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening cuddled together listening to music and watching Chloe's favourite TV show, a soap which reduced her to tears and made me laugh at how soppy it was, before deciding to sleep. I curled into her side, and allowed myself to drift off, feeling completely content.
3 hours later, I jolted awake, scrambling out from Chloe's loose embrace and standing, panting, beside the bed in the dark. It was 2 am, and I was sweating profusely. My nightmare echoed in my ears, seeming all to real.
You're so SELFISH Beca.
I pressed my hands into my ears. Not now, not tonight. I was with Chloe. I was okay.
Another image flashed into my mind, seeming so real in my sleepy state.
"This is exactly why I left, Beca."
I wasn't thinking. I stumbled over to my drawers, ignoring the pain in my stomach as I bent over to retrieve a small black box from the back of the bottom drawer. Then, I ran out of the room and down the hall to the shower block. There was no-one there, and I sat in the far corner, shielded from view a protruding wall. I opened the box quickly, taking out its contents eagerly with fumbling fingers. A single razorblade nestled in the foam lining, and I held it in my palm for a moment, taking in the sight. I deserved this.
You're so pathetic Beca.
The remnants of the nightmare reverberated through my skull, shattering my sense of reasoning. This was what I had to do. I began my release, tears and blood mixing at my feet as I wept desperately.
[Chloe]
I woke up to an empty bed. Where was Beca? I looked around the small room, unable to see her tiny form anywhere. The clock read 2:15. I was worried. What if she was more injured from the punches than we'd thought, and had got up in the night and collapsed? Or what if she'd had another nightmare? I got up slowly, turning on the light to double check that she wasn't in the room. I then crept out into the silent corridor, deciding to check the shower block at the end of it, knowing that maybe if she'd felt sick or something she'd probably have gone there. I pushed into the dimly lit room, the only immediately obvious sound being that of the irregular drips falling from one or two of the showerheads. I glanced around the room, and was about to leave when I heard a sharp intake of breath from the far corner.
"Beca?" I called out softly, and heard a frantic scrambling followed by the sound of something metal dropping to the floor and a stream of profanities. I hurried over.
"Beca are you-" I rounded the corner, and stopped dead in my tracks. She was kneeling there with several tiny streams of blood trickling down each wrist, pooling a little around her. She gazed up at me with terrified eyes.
"Chloe..." She said, choking on another sob. I fell to my knees in front of her, dazed.
"It's okay, it's okay." I mumbled, my hands reaching for hers. I led her over to a shower, turned on the water and lightly washed away the blood. Then, pressing my hands to her wounds I drew her back to her room, wrapping them in soft bandages from the first aid kit under her bed. I tried to take it in. I had just assumed that I was good enough to save her. I thought that my presence enough would be alone, but I realised that in that belief I was forgetting years of unhappiness and expecting it all to vanish within mere days.
"I'm so sorry, Beca. You should have woken me..." She pressed into me. We were back in the bed now, the light still on.
"I know. I was just... half in the dream still I guess. I could still hear the things that you- they were saying to me." I started.
"Me?" She nodded slightly.
"I'm there?"
"Yes." I wrapped her even tighter in my arms.
"Then I'm sorry for that version of me, even though she doesn't exist. I hope that soon you can replace her."
"Me too."