Chapter Three: In Which We're No Earthly Good
Hi! You can skip the song at the beginning if you mind mild language and references to abuse. The song is supposed to be funny, but...*shrugs* Whatever. RandomFandom doesn't own Harry Potter, Cats, or West Side Story (it's an awesome musical, you should see it sometime). That's where the song comes from.
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We were going to try out for the part of Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. The twins did Rock, Paper, Scissors and Fred won, so he and I were trying out.
We asked what we should do for our tryouts since we didn't know any dance moves and we didn't know our song. Charli suggested we do another song. It didn't take long to figure out which song we would do.
"Okay," I said. "How does this sound?" Charli switched on the music and we started singing.
Me: Deeeear kindly Sergeant Krupke
Ya gotta understand
It's just our bringin' up-ke
That gets us outta hand
Our mothers all are junkies
Our fathers all are drunks
Golly Moses, naturally we're punks!
Both of us: Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset
We never had the love that every child oughta get
We ain't no delinquents, we're misunderstood
Deep down inside us, there is good!
Me: There is good!
Both of us: There is good, there is good
There is untapped good
Like inside the worst of us is good!
Fred (speaking): That's a touchin' good story!
Me: Lemme tell it to the world (I spin around with my arms out on the word "world")!
Fred: Just tell it to the judge!
Me (singing): Deeeeear kindly judge, your honor
My parents treat me rough
With all the marijuana
They won't give me a puff
They didn't wanna have me
But somehow I was had
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad!
Fred: Right!
Officer Krupke, you're really a square
This girl don't need a judge, she needs an analyst's care!
It's just her neurosis
That oughta be curbed
(twirling finger around ear) She's psychologically disturbed!
Me: I'm disturbed!
Both of us: We're disturbed, we're disturbed
We're the most disturbed
Like we're psychologically disturbed!
Fred (speaking): Hear ye, hear ye!
In this opinion of this court
This child is depraved on account of she ain't had a normal home.
Me (pointing to myself with my thumbs): Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!
Fred: So take her to a head-shrinker!
Me (singing): Myyyy daddy beats my mummy
My mummy clobbers me
My grandpa is a commie
My grandma pushes tea
My sister wears a mustache
My brother wears a dress
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!
Fred: Yes!
Officer Krupke, you're really a slob
This girl don't need a doctor, just a good honest job
Society's played her a terrible trick
And, sociologically, she's sick!
Me: I am sick!
Both of us: We are sick, we are sick
We are sick sick sick
Like we're sociologically sick (I fall down flat on my back on the word "sick")!
Fred (speaking): In my opinion, this child don't need to have her head shrunk at all.
Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!
Me (sitting up): Hey, I got a social disease!
Fred: So take her to a social worker!
(I jump up and run over to Fred, putting my hands on his shoulders)
Me: Deeeear kindly social worker
They say go get a job
I'd be a soda jerker
Which means I'd be a slob (Fred wipes his eye as though I spit on him)
It's not I'm antisocial
I'm only anti-work
Gloryosky, that's why I'm a jerk!
Fred (jumping up): Eek!
Officer Krupke, you've done it again
This girl don't need a job, she needs a year in the pen!
It ain't just a question of misunderstood
Deep down inside her, SHE'S NO GOOD!
Me: I'M NO GOOD!
Both of us: We're no good, we're no good
We're no earthly good
Like the best of us is NO DAMN GOOD!
Fred (punctuating each line with a cuff on my head): The trouble is she's lazy!
The trouble is she drinks!
The trouble is she's crazy!
The trouble is she stinks!
The trouble is she's growing!
The trouble is she's grown!
Both of us: Krupke, we've got troubles of our own!
(getting down on knees) Gee, Officer Krupke, we're down on our knees
Me: 'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease!
Both of us: Gee, Officer Krupke, what are we to do?
Me: Gee, Officer Krupke— (I shove Fred and he falls down) KRUP YOU!
We finished with a wacky pose. The others were cheering and clapping.
"So, er...were we good?" I asked uncertainly.
"Are you kidding?" squeaked Charli, wiping tears of laughter out of her overlarge dark brown eyes. "That was brilliant! You guys'll get the part for sure!"
"Charli's right," agreed Angelina. "The casters will be begging you to be in the play."
"I guess," said Fred halfheartedly.
George stared at his twin. "Are you nervous?" he asked incredulously."Man, I've been stuck with you since birth and I've never seen you nervous. It's just a play."
"But it's a play with the perfect part for us, and if we don't get it, then..." I trailed off.
Lee rolled his eyes. "Are you afraid someone's gonna laugh at you? You've gotten laughed at a million times. You don't care what anyone thinks of you."
"It is not that. It's just we really want the part," Fred told them defensively.
"Well," said Charli wisely. "If you want this part, then be yourselves. You already said that these characters were just like you. If you be yourselves, they'll love you. Don't worry. It'll be great."
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We waited in line for the tryouts. Charli was about four lines to our right. She was trying out for Cassandra, this really shiny black cat. Six lines to our left, Charli's only Slytherin friend, Amanda Quail, stood with her curly strawberry-blond hair in a messy knot at the back of her head. She was trying out for Jennyanydots, a yellow tabby who had a very Percy-ish nature.
"There are kids in front of us who can do triple backflips," I hissed.
"Well, we don't have to do triple backflips at any point in the play, do we?" Fred hissed back. "So we're safe." But I wasn't so sure.
"Fred Weasley and Johanna Potter," called a bored-sounding voice. We looked at each other. This is it. We stepped forward.
Many people perked up their ears when they heard my name and many a pair of eyes darted toward the base of my neck. I rolled my eyes.
We both took a deep breath and burst into "Gee, Officer Krupke." One of the casters seemed to know the song, for she was nodding her head in time to the music. The rest just looked interested. When we finished, we bowed deeply and sauntered out.
About 2 hours later, they came out and said that they had made their final decisions. Charli got to be Cassandra's understudy.
Finally— "Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer will be played by Fred Weasley and Johanna Potter."
It took a second for these words to register. "Well, at least we tried our—wait, WHAT?!" I squawked.
We ran over to where our friends were waiting to hear the verdict. "Well?" demanded Angelina.
"Meet Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer!" said Fred happily. They started jumping around, screeching, and hugging us so tight we thought we were going to pop.
"YOU'REINTHEPLAYYOU'REINTHEPLAYYOU'REINTHEPLAYYOU'REINTHEPLAY!" hollered Angelina. Oh, you think she's hyperactive? Try seeing her after she got off the Hogwarts Express after graduation. That's hyperactive.
The first rehearsal was this Friday after dinner. Everyone had to come, even the understudies.
We would meet on the stage all year. There would be a stage behind the staff table all year, even during meals. There were two sets of small steps on either side of the stage. We preferred to leap up and climb on. The front of the stage was high and hard to reach the top of. That's what made it fun.
Directly below the stage, there was an orchestra pit with a bunch of instruments that played themselves. We often jumped down there, hid, and pretended we were first years who were "h-h-hopelessly s-s-stuck!" under the stage.
We crossed the stage. I turned outward at the front. I imagined everyone in the entire school looking up at me, giving me a standing ovation. I smiled at the thought. In this way, my daydreams were similar to my brother's. We both loved the thought of being clapped and cheered for, not because we were the famous Boy and Girl Who Lived, but because we were us. That's it. We wanted to try to have people in awe of us.
I looked over my shoulder and saw that there was a kind of knot-circle-thing in the center of the stage. I walked over and automatically sat between Fred and Charli.
As it turned out, we were going to play one of those lame, break-the-ice, get-to-know-you games for the entire first rehearsal. We had to say our first and last names, what we went by, our year and our House, who we played, and a couple of other miscellaneous stuff about ourselves.
A tall girl with straight white-blond pigtails went first. "Hello," she said regally (how can you say hello regal-ly?). "I am Lilah Mitchells, I am a fifth year Slytherin, I play Bombalurina, and my favourite colour is pink."
Charli, Fred, and I exchanged looks. We imme-diately disliked this Lilah girl.
The girl with tightly curled golden brown hair that was sitting next to Lilah went next. "I am Mallory Edgecombe, I am a fifth year Slytherin also, I am the understudy for Bombalurina, and I love horses."
A really, really tiny girl (even tinier than Charli, if you can believe that) went next. "I'm Margaret Kingfish-er, I go by Maggie, I'm a first year Ravenclaw, I play Jemima, and I love to read."
Then there was a medium-sized boy with midnight-black hair. "I'm Benjamin Leen, I go by Benny, I'm a fourth year Hufflepuff, I play Mr. Mistoffelees, and I hope to join the Ministry."
Next was a tall girl with short wavy blond hair. "I'm Elizabeth Mallow, I go by Liz, I'm a third year Gryffindor, I play Victoria, and I..." She paused. "I think chickens are cool." Charli, Fred, and I exchanged looks again, but this time we immediately liked Liz.
Next went the girl next to Fred. She had brown hair in a ponytail. "I'm Hailey Bubble, I'm a fifth year Slytherin, I'm the understudy for Rumpleteazer, and Zonko's Joke Shop is my favourite place." We immediately liked her.
Then came Fred. "I'm Fred Weasley, I'm a second year Gryffindor, I play Mungojerrie, and I looooove Every Flavour Beans."
My turn. "I'm Johanna Potter (I rolled my eyes as everyone turned to stare at me), I'm a second year Gryffindor also, I play Rumpleteazer, and..." Like Liz, I paused, trying to think of something to say. "And I'M NO EARTHLY GOOD!"
Several people laughed, remembering my and Fred's humourous song.
"I'm Charlotte DuCrall, I go by Charli, I'm a second year Slytherin, I'm the understudy for Cassandra, and I really, really love musicals."
The next person to go, after dorky Doug Shankler the third year Hufflepuff, interested me. She had long, superstraight black hair with blue highlights, bright bright bright blue eyes with lots of smoky eye shadow, and unnaturally red lips. Oh. Oh dear Godric. That sounded like I was describing...NO! I was NOT describing that idiotic Mary Sue! Her eyes aren't like limpid tears! She never frenched passively with Malfoy! She doesn't wear corsets with lace! She doesn't go to concerts of random Muggle bands! She spells her own name right! Her name doesn't have any random apostrophes in it! Oh wow, I freaked out there for a minute. But Siriusly! I know you all know what I'm talking about here, and if you don't, good! Stay like that! Don't ruin what brain cells you have left! Okay then...um...*awkwardly clears throat* Back to the story, then?
"Bella Hakowitz, fifth year Slytherin, play Cassandra, and I could easily rip every one of you to pieces."
I didn't snort with laughter like Lilah Mitchells, nor did a chill skitter up my spine at her words. I wasn't scared of her. I wasn't scared of anything.
In fact, I rather liked her.
The next rehearsal would be in two days. We would be highlighting our lines and starting to practice them. The director would actually be present.
"You know," I told Fred as we exited the Great Hall/auditorium. "I'm actually starting to get the hang of this musical thing.
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Review or I will EAT YOU.
RandomFandom: Hey, you just got your asking-for-reviews privileges back, and now you're abusing them again? You're pushing your luck, kid.
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RadnomFandom: Whatever, I'm doing the AN this chapter! *turns to audience* I wont updat untel I get fiv godd reviows! Sorry, I know I've done that before, it's just that there was already a My Immortal reference in the chapter, so...yeah. Reviews are love.