Okay, I am so bad at this and it has been only the fifth chapter. I cannot seem to keep my promise as to write a few chapters a day, which kills me.

But next week I will be having a lot of free time which will, I promise you, result into more chapters.

So sorry ~ I feel guilty...

Chapter 5 - Lost and Found

BEFORE

My stomach started to churn on the second week of my absence from the guild. It felt bad as to the reason I hadn't eaten in a while and the pain that caused me was unbearable.

I had gotten on a job with Wendy right after Natsu had left. Scratch a long week on that one.

An infamous dark guild caused trouble in a village near Clover Town and all we had to do was make sure they go away and never come back. At first all we did was examining and following the members all around the area. Everything ended when they got eye to eye with Wendy and I and we had it done in n time.

I really felt sorry for the time we were just walking around, and not fighting them straight way, Natsu would have done that. Yeah, Natsu wasn't there.

Then as I went back, Erza and Gray were ready to take on and as team Natsu being disposed, I was more than willing to join team Erza.

But I did not expect the road to be the worst we could encounter. A weather spell had been set loose and we had to collect it all.

But how exactly does one collect weather?

Sleepless night and hungy days is what almost pinned my down to bed with the flu for a week on that job.

But now a month of it away, I felt the same way. No flu, no awful coughing and chest ache, just my stomach trying to eat itself.

"Lucy, we have to stop right this instant."

I truned my head to Erza and her pile of suitcases and focused on her worried face. She had been mostly calm about Natsu going for the run just like Guildarts a few years back, but ones health was the most important to her.

"A job cannot simply be more important that you being at your peek condition, so I insist to at least stay in this village for the night at least. We have pushed ourselves to the limit these past few weeks and we all need a rest."

I always listened whatever she had to say since it was Erza, but this time I didn't want to stop. Stopping gave me nightmares I wanted to run from. And it made me realize what a fool I was.

"You can stop and rest if you want to. We are payed for this job and I-I don't intend on stopping." I stated firmly, standing my own ground.

She furrowed her brows, meeting them in the middle which made me uncomfortable, almost painful to watch, "Lucy," a single word came out of her mouth and it had all the concern she carried for me in it. "Please. I am asking you as a friend, stop and rest."

The whole guild acted different after Natsu left. It was quieter. The shattering parties were almost a myth and the cheerful laughter was lowered to the minimum. It was like all the joy had been gone along with him. But they changed towards me as well. All of them were more cautious, think of what to say in my presence, trying not to get me all worked up on the single thought of him not returning from the S-class mission or for him simply being gone.

I nodded shortly, almost in shock of how Erza was coping with the situation.

Gray seemed less stone faced than usual, when it came to actually doing jobs and not fighting around with anyone, he got the face of a monk, being stable like a wall and concentrated like a surgeon during an operation.

But now he was not that solid. There were cracks and it was not just him.

We entered the closest inn there was around and checked in for the night. Erza thought I hadn't heard, but she has told the receptionist that it may be a longer stay than the night.

I left it aside as I really needed a rest. What I didn't need was my mind, getting flooded with images that brought me to tears every time.

She had taken an apartment so there were three rooms and a bed, separated from the others. Erza knew I needed privacy now more than ever.

As soon as I entered the room, I left my bag aside and laid on the bed, pulling my knees to meet my chest and hug myself to sleep.

My dream was so vivid that if felt almost real. I could touch everything and it felt as if I was really there. The only thing that was not real and I knew it was Natsu.

He was sitting next to me. The night was hot and clear from clouds, which gave me the blessing to see all of the stars and constellations. The hot breeze that came from the lake we were around made me slowly calm down and set everything I had boiling in me to a haze.

"Luce, you are so beautiful," the low rumble of the dragon slayer made me shiver and take a secret look at his expression.

I was still looking forward at the calm dark waters, when he moved closer, placing a soft kiss on my jaw. I cracked a small smile, but it was all he earned from me.

He grinned widely, "Why do you have to always make it hard, Lucy?"

I shrugged and moved aside. But my intentions were a lot different compared to his. When I was about to get up, he swiftly scooped me up and jumped in the water.

As the surface touched my skin, I jumped out of my dream, feeling nauseous to the bottom of my stomach. I made my way to the bathroom we all shared, stumbling over shoes and finally crashing into Gray. But I had no time explaining as I literally slid on the marble floor towards the toilet and throwing up my guts out. I kept emptying my stomach, even after I felt two hands gripping onto my hair and leaving me to worry less.

He didn't speak, nor did I. We stayed in the silence that I cannot quite sort as awkward or comfortable, but it was definitely strange.

Gray had never been so close to me, even if he has seen me naked hundreds of times, seen me crying, embarrassing myself and doing all kinds of stuff. But this was more personal, since it turned into a full blown moaping session.

Gray knelt right next to me and patted my back until I felt comfortable enough to get up and wash myself. It all needed time.

Like all of my pain.

After washing my mouth and face I realized my face had become puffier than it usually was, which made me feel even more embarrassed.

"Thank you," I mumbled almost unheard, like I had trouble speeking or actually saying anything. It had been a while now.

"It's okay to be sad, Lucy. I miss him t, but it has been his decision and we can never change it," he stepped closer probably having in mind to hug me, but stopping midway. "You know it has always been what Natsu thinks, Natsu does."

I wasn't looking him in the eye, but each word sung deep in my head.

He finally made his mind and pressed me to his chest firmly. It was high enough for me to put my whole head on, and after a second wrapped my own arms around his torso. It was colder than Natsu's, but definitely warmer than I had expected.

In that exact moment I realized it was all based on the way I looked at the world. Comparing Natsu to everyone and having him run loose in my dreams was going to lead me to a not so fun ride to the end. I had to stop putting him in everything, I had to stop making him the center of my world.

I gulped and moved aside from the ice mage. Feeling it was time to finally go and take the rest I desperately needed.

Even though it was not long after that I had to rush to the toilet and I was left doing it all night.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I am a terrible person, I know, but I keep getting lost in my thoughts and the time.

The chapter is not long as usually these days, but somehow Before seems more fun to write than After. I don't know how it is for you, but I hoped you enjoyed it.

PM me, review and keep reading

~Bria