Chapter 6
Riker walked into sickbay and headed straight for Crusher. "How is he?" The Enterprise's first officer had concern etched on his face. Crusher had told him and Captain Jellico that they would have to wait for her to finish patching up the captain before she could file an official report on his condition. But, needless to say, he was mistreated and was going to take some time to recover physically and most likely mentally. So, Riker was here at her summons that she was finished.
"He's sleeping," Crusher said. "He was pretty banged up. He had a concussion, cuts, contusions, a tooth knocked out, torn and stretched tendons, severe dehydration and malnutrition, and they had implanted some sort of device in his chest. I don't know for sure what it was because it looks like it self-destructed. But I know it wasn't for his health. My guess is that it was some sort of torture device that targeted his nervous system to make whatever sensations it produced all that more painful. He had some degradation of the nerves entering his spine at the thoracic vertebrae. I've repaired the damage to his nerves and tendons, but it will take physical therapy before he's back to his normal self. Will, the damage in his shoulders and wrists indicated that he must have been hung from the ceiling by his arms for extended periods. This is truly barbaric!" Crusher was obviously angry, that anger increasing as she described the captain's injuries.
"I have him on intravenous fluids and nourishment and he's still sedated from the surgery. The best thing for him now is rest."
Riker looked over at the sleeping form of his captain. Monitors were beeping over him and tubes came out of his nose and arm. Anger swelled in him and he tried to put the mental images Crusher had evoked out of his mind. "How long before we can wake him?"
"Give him at least until tomorrow. He needs to rest. We can get our answers later."
"Understood," said Riker. "Thank you, doctor. Tell me if there is any change."
"I will."
Picard slept.
Dr. Crusher sat in her office recording her personal log. "Beverly Crusher, personal log, supplemental. I finished surgery on Captain Picard at 14:00 hours today. The extent of the damage the Cardassians inflicted is staggering. Torture is illegal and yet they certainly have refined skills for a forbidden practice. I think of hundreds of years ago when it was routine to torture prisoners. Those prisoners did not have the advanced technology of today to repair the damage. They would have been damaged for life. To treat another life form as disposable…as not having basic rights! It's no better than what the Borg do to people – force their will upon, with no regard to your rights as an individual. But how will this affect Jean Luc mentally? Deanna's going to have her work cut out for her. Stop recording. Speak of the devil!"
Deanna walked into her office, her wavy hair billowing over her shoulders. "I came to see how the Captain is doing…and how you're doing."
Crusher smiled at the Betazoid. "Well, the Captain is going to make a full recovery…physically. I have him sedated until we take the feeding tube out, which I need to be doing pretty soon. I just mentioned in my personal log that you were going to have your work cut out for you."
"And how are you holding up?" Deanna knew how close the Captain and Crusher were and how difficult it had been for Crusher to abandon the Captain in the ambush. She knew that part of Crusher blamed herself. And to get the Captain back in such poor condition…well that just made it worse.
"I'm so happy that he's back safe. I'm also horrified at what they did to him. You would think that in the 24th century, we would all be civilized. I can see why the Bajorans hate the Cardassians so, if this is a typical case of Cardassian relations. I can understand where prejudice and racial hatred would come from."
Deanna nodded. "This is not going to be something that any of us will soon forget. And it is going to be a struggle every time we encounter a Cardassian not to remember it."
They sat in silence for a moment, digesting the thought. "OK," Crusher said. "Let me get to work and I'll call you before I wake the captain."
Two days later, Picard was looking better now that he was hydrated, fed, clean, and his visible wounds healed. He still had his beard, but Crusher figured she would let him decide if he wanted to shave it off or not. Crusher had called Deanna and Riker to tell them that she was going to wake the captain. Both came immediately.
Although the captain was no longer sedated, he was still sleeping. Once Crusher had removed the IV and feeding tube, she had let the sedative wear off. Now that it had been two days, it was time for him to wake up. "Jean Luc, it's time to wake up," Crusher said to him, stroking his face gently. "Come on, Jean Luc, open your eyes."
When he showed no response, Crusher retrieved a hypospray with a mild stimulant. "This will help him," she said as she pushed the hypospray to his neck. They watched as his breathing rate increased and finally his eyes fluttered open. He blinked to focus his eyes, seeing his friends waiting expectantly around the bed.
"Jean Luc, can you hear me?" Crusher asked with her hand on his chest.
He furrowed his brow focusing on her. He tried to say something but only a grunt came out. He cleared his throat and swallowed. "Beverly." He felt better, stronger, but his voice did not reflect it.
"Hey there. Do you know where you are?"
Picard looked around with his eyes, blinking to focus. "Looks like sickbay," he said.
"That's right. You're on the Enterprise. Will and Deanna are here too."
Will stepped forward and warmly put his hand on the captain's forearm. "Captain, it's good to have you back."
Picard looked up at his former first officer. "Will?" Picard was slowly waking up more now. " How long have I been out? "
"A little over 48 hours," answered Crusher.
"Forty eight hours..." It felt longer than that. Picard really had no sense of time through the entire event, but it felt like he had been gone for months.
"How are you feeling, Captain?" Deanna asked.
"I'm tired... but feel much better than before."
"Good news, Sir," Riker said smiling. "The message came in today that the Enterprise is your ship again just as soon as you're up and around." Riker was very happy with the news for many reasons. He and Captain Jellico had clashed uncomfortably and the entire crew missed Picard. He had become a father figure to many of them, as well as their trusted captain.
"That is good news, Number One. Then let's get me up and around. " He started to sit up, realizing how weak he was.
"Hey, take it easy," Crusher said. "I'll just incline the bed. Don't sit up too quickly." Picard conceded to just having the bed incline with a few more pillows behind his back. He found his weakness disgusting. Crusher handed him a cup of water. "Here, drink a little of this." Picard took the cup and took a few sips, not wanting to repeat his mistake on the Cardassian ship.
The room spun for a moment, but he recovered and sat the cup down on his lap. "I think that's enough for one day," he said and lay his head back on the pillows. Crusher took the cup out of his hand and put it on the tray next to the bed.
"We'll let you rest, Captain," Riker said. "It's good you're home."
"Thank you, Number One," Picard said without opening his eyes. Within a few minutes, he was back asleep.
It took about two more days before the Captain was strong enough to get out of bed. He was motivated to try, realizing that the sooner he was up and about, the sooner he would be back in command of his ship. Staying in Sickbay gave him far too much time to think. Thinking meant reliving the torture, thinking about how weak he had been, that although he had not broken on the outside, he had in his soul. Crusher wanted him to sleep, but sleeping brought nightmares as bad as when he had returned from the Borg. She wanted him to eat, but he saw the vile creature he had chosen to eat alive every time they put food in front of him. When he closed his eyes, he saw five lights. Tricorders looked like the pain remote when he saw them out of the corner of his eye, giving his heart a jolt and making the monitors go ballistic. Nurses came and went, touching him as they adjusted the blanket or checked a healing wound...but any touch was a violation, a Cardassian guard's hands. He suppressed the urge to push the hands away when he was awake, but if caught off-guard, he reflexively jerked away. "I'm sorry," he would say. "You startled me." But it was more than that.
Deanna had come to try to talk to him, but he couldn't yet. He knew that she could feel his turmoil, but he had to come to terms with what happened before he could explain it to her. She had given him a padd on which to write his report on his ordeal. It was an underhanded way of getting him to "talk" about what had happened, but he wrote it...leaving some things out that were too personal. He knew StarFleet would be interested in his report on this new Cardassian boldness. To kidnap a starship captain and torture him for information about the federation's defenses violated quite a few treaties... This would not be the last he heard of this. He separated himself from his emotions as he wrote his official report. He reported on the torture tactics of humiliation, sleep deprivation, pain, lies…and that the Cardassians were up to something. This plot had been foiled, but he was concerned at what else they might have up their sleeves.
Picard was ready to get out of Sickbay. He looked around and saw no one so carefully swung his legs off the side of the bed. He took several deep breaths to stop the room from spinning again. "Where do you think you're going?" Crusher protested as she came into the room...caught red-handed.
"I'm OK, Beverly. I want to get my ship back." He slid off the bed and to his feet, keeping a firm grip on the bed to keep from toppling. Nurse Ogawa appeared, she and Crusher acting as spotters. "Really…I'm OK." Picard never liked being the center of medical attention.
"Jean Luc, this can wait until you're feeling better," Crusher said concerned.
"I would prefer to go through the formalities of the command transfer sooner rather than later. Don't worry. I'll come right back here afterwards. The sooner we can get things back to normal, the more quickly I will put all this behind me."
Crusher knew there was no point arguing. She could order him to stay, but there was a certain logic to his reasoning. And lying here in sickbay with time and thoughts to keep him company was probably not what he needed. He needed to "get in the saddle again."
"OK, Jean Luc. Here's the deal. You go get command of the ship, and then you come right back here. You're not cleared for duty yet," Crusher said sternly.
Picard smiled at her and squeezed her arm affectionately. He looked down at his blue sickbay gown. "You don't happen to have a uniform around here do you?
Crusher had gone to the Captain's quarters to get his uniform. He didn't mind her rummaging through his closet. Picard was in the changing room in sickbay, looking at himself in the mirror. He rubbed the white stubble of a beard on his face and decided that it made him look older. Was it the beard? The face was his, but the eyes had changed. There was a weariness or sadness in them. Probably both he thought… He thought of the dream he had had on the Cardassian vessel and it made him feel weak and less of a man. Could he have really been to the point where he would have done anything, absolutely anything, just to end the torment? Would he really have saved himself from more torture knowing that Madred would have turned his attentions to Beverly? He had always felt that every man did have a breaking point, but he had hoped that he would have never had to have found his. Picard knew that if Madred's superior had not come in the exact second that he did, that "five lights" would have come out of his mouth. He had been broken, whether he said the words or not. It was just a matter of seconds and luck that had kept that knowledge private.
Picard's thoughts were interrupted by the chime on the door. "Come," he said to the air.
Beverly entered, carrying his uniform and boots. He thanked her and turned away ashamed. "Are you all right, Jean Luc?" She knew him well.
"I will be. I have a lot to think about."
"You know that I'm always here for you…always have been." Crusher squeezed his upper arm warmly.
"Thank you, Beverly." He looked at her reflection in the mirror with affection, then changed to a lighter note. "Do you think I should keep it?" Picard asked, referring to his beard.
"I've always been suspicious of men with beards."
Picard looked amused, knowing that two of his senior officers had beards. "Then it'll go. I wouldn't want you any more suspicious of me than you are already."
She smiled and left the room fighting the urge to kiss him.
Back in his quarters, Picard had shaved and then reported to Captain Jellico that he would be there for the transfer at 1400 hours. His door chimed. "Come."
Deanna Troi smiled at him as the doors opened.
"Deanna," he said somewhat surprised.
"I thought I would walk with you to the bridge."
He didn't need an escort to the bridge. "Did Beverly put you up to this?"
"No, I just thought you might like the company."
Not really. "Thank you," he said with a grin that did not reach his eyes. "Let's get to the bridge. I don't want to be late for my date." Troi knew that Picard's light humor was a front. It didn't take an empath to see the sadness in his eyes. And she knew that he would talk to her when he felt like he could. She had read his report before deciding to walk with him to the bridge. He was going to need to talk.
The Captain was not in a talking mood as they traveled to the bridge. The silence in the turbolift was deafening. He stared straight ahead, face impassive, emotions roiling off of him. Troi had to put up mental shields to protect herself from suffocating in them. When the aft turbolift came to a halt, the Captain walked onto the bridge with as much presence as he usually had, but with a slower step.
"Captain on the bridge," announced Data. Picard looked around the bridge, everything in its place except for another captain sitting in the command chair. Jellico rose and extended his hand to greet Picard as he walked down the horseshoe. "Welcome home, Jean Luc." They shook hands.
"Thank you."
"The ship is yours…just the way you left it…maybe a little better…" The moment was uncomfortable. Jellico knew that he had never fit in with this crew. They were too much of a family to break up. "Computer, transfer command codes to Captain Jean Luc Picard. Access Jellico alpha three one."
"The Enterprise is now under the command of Captain Jean Luc Picard," said the computer.
"I relieve you, sir," said Picard.
"I stand relieved." Jellico walked past Picard and up the ramp to the aft turbolift. "It's been an honor serving with you," he announced to the bridge crew. And then he was gone.
It was as simple and as profound as that.
"You have the bridge, Number One." Picard nodded to Troi to follow him to the ready room. Riker and Troi exchanged glances. They knew this was not going to be easy for their Captain.
Once in the ready room, Picard's faux front dropped. He had thought that having his command back would remove the terrible burden he was carrying, but the second Jelico had left the bridge, Picard realized that nothing had changed. He needed to talk. He motioned for Troi to sit on the couch across from his desk. He sat down on the other side of the couch and crossed his ankle over his knee. He clasped his hands uncomfortably staring at them with a furrowed brow. "I don't know where to begin," he said. "It was…It was um…" Picard dropped away in thought, eyes still downcast. He needed to unload his anguish but didn't know how.
Troi waited, but Picard was lost in his memories. "I read your report," she coaxed.
Picard nodded, grateful that he would not have to tell the whole story. "But there was something I didn't put in the report…something that is troubling me." He straightened his jacket, eyes focused somewhere inwardly. "What I didn't put in the report is that at the end, he gave me a choice…between a life of comfort, or more torture. All I had to do was to say that I could see five lights when in fact there were only four."
"You didn't say it," Troi said.
"No…no….But I was going to. I was going to do anything…anything at all to make it stop. But more than that….." Picard's brows furrowed more and he finally looked painfully into Troi's eyes. "I truly believed that I could see five lights at the end. I knew there were four, but..." He sat silently, letting the thought hang in the air. Troi knew that this was a broken man.
"And you feel that by seeing five lights, that the Cardassians beat you."
"Yes. They did beat me. They made me see five lights, and I was going to say it. I was going to." There was sadness in his eyes, but also anger burning.
"Captain, you cannot berate yourself for this. The mind plays tricks on us, especially when under duress. You will come to terms with what has happened to you, and I will help you through it. The first thing you are going to have to do is forgive yourself for being a human being. You pride yourself in being the best at everything. This was not a failing on your part." He listened to the words, but Troi could sense that this was going to be a long recovery. Anger and hatred were easy feelings to develop, but extremely hard to release.