Chapter 11

If the scene had suddenly changed from a black and yellow grid to a dusty Wild West town, Picard and the Cardassian would not have looked out of place. Picard had the squared stance of a man about to kill his opponent – head lowered slightly, steely eyes glaring from under furrowed brows, fists clenched, muscles taut. The Cardassian just stood there, staring straight ahead. He wasn't real.

"Computer," Picard growled, "give the Cardassian behaviors consistent with a soldier."

"There are 493 profiles of Cardassian soldiers on file. Please specify."

"I don't care. Pick one!" he yelled at the air.

The computer chirped, and the Cardassian relaxed from his rigid stance and looked at the captain. When their eyes met, the spike of adrenaline that shot through Picard was almost blinding. He gripped the crystal in his hand, feeling as if he had been dunked in cold water. Hair standing on end; senses detecting every minute detail of his surroundings; heart pounding nearly out of his chest…his world narrowed down solely to the soldier standing in front of him.

"Computer, disengage the safety protocols."

"That action is not recommended."

"Do it!" God damned computer!

"Safety protocols disengaged."

Troi was making herself dinner when she felt it…a surge of irrational fury that hit her like a wave. She staggered and dropped the serving spoons she had been using to toss her garden salad. They clattered crisply on the glass table and then thudded dully onto the carpeted floor. Reflexively, she put her hand to her forehead, blinking as she put up her mental blocks. Oh no. "Troi to Picard!" No response. "Troi to Captain Picard!" No answer.

"Computer, locate Captain Picard!"

"Captain Picard is on Holodeck Two," came the unconcerned response.

"Troi to Crusher!"

"Crusher here."

"Beverly, meet me at Holodeck Two. Something's happened to the captain," she said on her way out the door.

"Something? What?" asked Crusher who was also already out the door of Sickbay with her medical kit.

"I don't know. I just sensed a wave of anxiety from him from across the ship. Just meet me there." Troi broke into a run.

"I'm on my way!"

Chaotic and powerful emotions had control, very much like during his mindmeld with Sarek. Picard didn't know why he had come to the holodeck, didn't really even remember how he got there... He just knew that he was about to explode with rage and there was a Cardassian standing in front of him. Part of himself was surprised that he hadn't reacted differently. He could have collapsed into a wimping puddle at the sight of his adversary, thinking that he was really about to be tortured again. But no… This was just primal, unfettered rage. He dropped the crystal he had brought with him to keep himself grounded to the floor. He would need his hands.

The Cardassian didn't have the smug look of superiority that Picard now associated with the race but instead he just considered the human with more curiosity than anything else. Picard stalked up to him defiantly and got inches from his face. "I hate you." Picard said in a deadly whisper. "I hate you!" His eyes blazed. When the Cardassian didn't react, Picard shoved him in the chest. Staggered back a few steps, the soldier regained his composure and continued to just look at the human. Picard shoved him again, more violently, bringing the same unsatisfying results.

"God damn you!" Picard yelled and landed a solid right hook across the Cardassian's jaw. The man just took it. Picard hit him a second and third time, breaking his hand on the Cardassian's brow ridge with the last blow. He heard the bone crack but had enough adrenaline coursing through him not to feel it.

In sheer frustration, he grabbed the soldier's armor and shoved him back against the wall, hoping his head would crack on the wall. It didn't. "Why? Why did you do it?!" he yelled in the man's face.

The Cardassian didn't back down or make a move but simply stared right back at Picard with cool restraint. Whoever the computer had chosen to base the hologram on had a great deal of restraint. Picard was so close that he could see the gold flecks of color in the Cardassian's irises. "Are you going to hit me, or do you want to bind my hands first?" Picard taunted. He felt the need to bait the man before he continued to beat the shit out of him.

"Or how about hang me from the ceiling all night? See if that makes it easier for you?" He pulled the Cardassian off of the wall and slammed him back against it, still getting no response from the man. By this point, tears were clouding Picard's vision, his face contorted in barely contained fury. He slammed him against the wall one last time.

The Cardassian considered the irate man for a moment more and then spoke. "You have a strong hatred for someone you've never met."

Picard was completely taken aback. "What?"

"I don't believe we've ever met."

The comment was so unexpected that Picard released the man's armor and took two staggering steps back. The damned computer had picked a nice Cardassian! Picard stood there blinking, the cacophony of emotions dissipating like a whirlwind at the end of its life. It was as if all of the air had been let out of a balloon that was about to burst. Picard stood there numbly, breathing hard from his exertions, arms now hanging limply at his sides. What the hell was he doing here? What was he saying? Had his experience left him so bitter that he would physically attack someone? What had he become? He continued to stand there feeling suddenly humiliated once again by a Cardassian but for an entirely different reason.

"I'm Gul LaVek. And you are?" The soldier actually held out his hand to shake Picard's.

"Um…Jean Luc Picard," he answered distractedly. He didn't take the hand.

The Cardassian looked confused. "This is the human tradition, is it not? Shaking hands?"

Picard looked up at him and nodded slightly but still couldn't shake the hand of the man he had just attacked.

"I see," LaVek said, realizing Picard wasn't going to budge. He dropped the rejected hand and instead used it to rub his jaw where Picard had just hit him. "Well, I hope someday you can teach me that tradition. Hopefully it will be less painful than your original greeting," the Cardassian said with a wry grin. He was making a joke! Picard stood there stunned and utterly humiliated. The Cardassian had completely defused the situation with the poise, restraint, and skill of a veteran diplomat. He had just done what Picard himself would have done not even a month ago. The realization of this struck to his core.

Just at that moment, Crusher and Troi came bursting into the holodeck. He turned toward them, not really seeing them.

Troi was the first to speak. "Captain, are you all right?" She was out of breath from running. Her eyes went from the pleasant Cardassian to the deflated captain to Crusher. Beverly looked as confused as she did.

"Couldn't be better," he said with quiet cynicism and moved towards the doors without looking at her.

"Jean Luc, what were you doing?" Beverly asked, also out of breath.

Seeing her in the same room with the Cardassian brought a brief flash of fear, but it was clear this was not in the Cardassian torture chamber. It didn't smell like bodily excretions, he had on clean clothes, he wasn't hungry or thirsty, and the Cardassian was the better man than he. "I just needed a reminder of who I really am," he said to Crusher and walked out of the room. It was a loaded statement.

Troi and Crusher looked at each other dumbfounded. Seeing Picard's quartz crystal on the floor, Troi picked it up. "Computer, end program," said Crusher. The Cardassian vanished, and they exited, chasing after the captain.

"Jean Luc, stop," Beverly called out, but he was already halfway to the lift and kept walking, ignoring her. It was clear from the tension in his shoulders and the purposefulness of his stride that whatever lull he had experienced in his anger had passed. She and Troi caught up and Beverly put her hand on his forearm to get his attention. "Jean Luc!"

He stopped short at the touch and turned his face towards Crusher. Looking down at her hand and then back up to her eyes, he clearly conveyed the warning not to touch him. She removed her hand.

"You needed a Cardassian soldier to remind you of who you are? What does that even mean?" Beverly asked confused.

He turned squarely towards her and glared straight into her eyes. "It means that I needed a Cardassian to remind me what a poor excuse for a man I am." He continued, walking towards her with menacing confidence. She backed away until her back hit the wall. "It means that I needed a fucking Cardassian to show me what a weak coward I am! Perhaps you should thank them for exposing this! I certainly had everyone fooled for a long time." He was in her face now, and for the first time in her life, Beverly felt threatened by him. She was speechless.

Troi stepped in. "Captain, let's get you to sickbay."

"I don't think a doctor can fix this," he said laughing. There was no humor in his laugh. He turned on his heel and stalked down the corridor towards the turbolift, leaving Crusher in stunned silence.

Gathering her wits, Crusher pushed herself off of the wall and went in pursuit. "Captain Picard, I order you to report to sickbay," she called out commandingly. That stopped him in his tracks. He turned slowly towards her, danger in his very demeanor.

"And exactly what will that accomplish, Doctor?" he asked caustically.

"I am going to run a full diagnostic on you. You are behaving irrationally, and we are going to find out why. Troi felt your anxiety from across the ship!"

"There's nothing you can do for me, and I'm not going to sickbay," he said in a low voice. He meant it.

"That is a direct order, Captain. If you do not accompany us to sickbay, I will relieve you of duty and report this to Starfleet command…Please don't make me do that."

Troi was by her side now, supporting her. "Captain, please…"

Picard was fuming. All he wanted was to be left alone. They had no idea what had just happened; no idea of what he had become. They thought they could fix him…turn him back into the righteous man he used to be. They'd be telling him 'things would be all right' and that 'he was safe' and all that meaningless bullshit. He also knew that Crusher would force the issue and there was little chance of him winning this standoff...but he wasn't going to make it easy for her. "All right," he said with an acerbically placating tone. "Let's go to sickbay. Do your diagnostics; find that there is nothing wrong with me; report it to Starfleet command for all I care that the captain has lost his mind!" His voice boomed louder with each word. "They shouldn't have a person like me responsible for other people's lives anyway! Who knows who I would let die just to save my own skin!?"

"That's it, mister. Go to sickbay now, or I will have security escort you," Crusher ordered.

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

They glared at each other, neither backing down. Troi could nearly taste the tension. "Captain, please come with us." Her voice was soft. "We are worried about you and what's happening to you."

He wasn't backing down; his jaw was set so hard that the muscles clenching his teeth twitched. She had never seen him like this. Troi continued. "I know how angry you are, and you have every right to be. But Captain, look at who you are directing your anger towards." She indicated that she meant Beverly and dropped the bombshell. "You are hurting the woman you love."

If she had thrown buckets of ice water on them, she would have gotten the same reaction.

Both Crusher and Picard turned just their faces towards her in unison slow motion. Both had the same expression of utter disbelief, mouths hanging open, speechless. Crusher's mouth moved as if she was trying to say something, but nothing came out. Picard just stood there stupefied.

"There, it's been said," concluded Troi, looking unruffled and sure of herself. She could feel Picard's rage dispersing away in weakening wisps. Her tactic had worked.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Picard made the first move. "Excuse me," he said in a hushed, preoccupied voice as he turned and walked slowly towards the turbolift eyes forward but down. The rage was gone, replaced by compliant remorsefulness. He was lost in thought as he entered the turbolift.

"Captain, will you be in sickbay?" Troi asked before the doors shut.

"Yes."