Despite Poppy Pomfrey's best efforts to rid herself of the little oik, Draco Malfoy remained in the Hospital Wing until much later in the week. Amelia, who was delighted to discover that he had not deigned to take her class, had rather a good week in between cheering up Hagrid and listening to Hermione grumble.
She'd noticed her cousin become crabbier as the week wore on, despite her enthusiasm for her new subjects, leading Amelia to check upon time-travel related problems in the Library. By all accounts, except for exhaustion, she was satisfied that Hermione would be alright using her time-turner, always assuming that she kept her common sense.
It was Thursday afternoon when Amelia found herself sitting in a cold and silent staff room, peacefully reading across from an equally cold and silent Severus Snape. They'd exchanged pleasantries, of course, as colleagues do: Amelia with a smile, Severus with a sneer. The room had since lapsed into that dusty silence found in libraries, museums and staffrooms, punctuated only by the turning of pages and the distant sound of children learning (or at the very least, being taught at). It was a long, panelled room full of old, mismatched chairs, most of which, she'd quickly discovered, were not in the least bit comfortable.
Amelia had just finished her most recent chapter and had been about to stretch when the door opened quite abruptly.
Remus strode in, closely followed by a bemused but intrigued third-year class, Hermione among them. Both Amelia and Snape looked up as they filed in; Hermione gave Amelia a small smile whilst Snape sneered in Remus's direction.
As Lupin made to close the door Snape rose, saying "Leave it open, Lupin. I'd rather not witness this." He strode past the class, his black robes billowing out behind him. At the doorway he turned on his heel and said, "Possibly no-one's warned you, Lupin, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear."
Neville went scarlet; most of the class were now glaring at Snape. Amelia felt her mouth fall open in shock and disapproval; surely the man couldn't be this rude to his students!
Lupin had raised his eyebrows.
"I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation," he said, "and I'm sure he'll perform it admirably." Just like his Mum and Dad would have, you pernicious bastard, he thought.
Neville's face went, if possible, even redder. Snape's lip curled, but he left, shutting the door with a snap.
Lupin turned to Amelia, who was still frowning in a disapproving manner.
"We won't be long, Miss Brown, if you don't mind?"
"Not at all, Professor, this promises to be most informative." She gave Neville a heartening wink as Lupin nodded and continued.
"Now then," he said, beckoning the class to the front of the room, where there was nothing except an old wardrobe in which the teachers kept their spare robes. As Lupin went to stand next to it, the wardrobe gave a sudden wobble, banging off the wall.
"Nothing to worry about," said Lupin calmly, as a few people jumped backwards in alarm. "There's a boggart in there."
Most of the students seemed to feel that this was something to worry about. Neville gave his teacher a look of pure terror, and Seamus Finnegan eyed the now rattling doorknob apprehensively; Amelia, none the wiser, leaned forward in interest.
"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces," said Lupin. "Wardrobes, the gap beneath beds, the cupboards under sinks – I once met one that had lodged itself in a grandfather clock. This one moved in yesterday afternoon, and I asked the Headmaster if the staff would leave it to give my third-years some practice.
"So, the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a Boggart?"
Hermione put up her hand.
"It's a shape-shifter," she said. "It can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most."
"Couldn't have put it better myself," said Lupin, and Hermione glowed. "So the Boggart sitting in the darkness within has not yet assumed a form. He does not yet know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. Nobody knows what a Boggart looks like when he is alone, but when I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears.
"This means," he continued, choosing to ignore Neville's small splutter of terror, "that we have a huge advantage over the Boggart before we begin. Have you spotted it, Harry?"
Hermione, desperate to answer another question was bobbing up and down on the balls of her feet with her hand high in the air. Amelia smiled slightly, her cousin's excitement appeared to be putting Harry off to some extent, but he had a go.
"Er – because there are so many of us, it won't know what shape it should be?"
"Precisely," said Lupin, and Hermione put her hand down looking a little disappointed. "It's always best to have company when you're dealing with a Boggart. He becomes confused. What should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a Boggart make that very mistake – tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening.
"The charm that repels a Boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a Boggart is laughter. What you need to force it to do is assume a shape that you find amusing.
"We will practice the charm without wands first. After me, please… riddikulus!"
"Riddikulus!" said the class together.
"Good," said Lupin. "Very good. But that was the easy part, I'm afraid. You see the word alone is not enough. And this is where you come in, Neville."
The wardrobe shook again, though not as much as Neville, who walked forwards as if he were heading to the gallows.
"Right, Neville," said Lupin. "First thing's first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world"
Neville's lips moved, but no sound came out.
"Didn't catch that Neville, sorry," said Lupin cheerfully. Neville looked around rather wildly, as though begging someone to help him, then said, in barely more than a whisper, "Professor Snape."
Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically. Lupin, however, looked thoughtful.
"Professor Snape… hmmm… Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"
"Er – yes," said Neville, nervously. "But – I don't want the Boggart to turn into her, either."
"No, no, you misunderstand me," said Lupin, now smiling. "I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?"
Neville looked startled, but said, "Well… always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top. And a long dress… green normally… and sometimes a fox-fur scarf."
"And a handbag?" prompted Lupin.
"A big red one," said Neville.
"Right then," said Lupin. "Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind's eye?"
"Yes," said Neville, plainly wondering what was coming next.
"When the Boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees you, it will assume the form of Professor Snape," said Lupin. "And you will raise your wand – thus – and cry 'Riddikulus!' – and concentrate hard on your grandmother's clothes. If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, that green dress, that big red handbag."
There was a great shout of laughter. The wardrobe wobbled more violently.
"If Neville is successful, the Boggart is likely to turn his attentions to each of us in turn," he said. "I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical."
The room went quiet as the class concentrated upon its fears; Amelia could feel a lot of fright in the room, but also a lot of laughter brewing. A wave of horror touched her and she shifted her attention to Harry, who shivered. She could only imagine the darkness he'd seen in his short life. Suddenly, she hoped that the Boggart would not turn its attentions to Hermione, or there would be a few more truths (and a good few more nightmares) out in the open than there needed to be…
"Everybody ready?" Lupin asked. "Neville, we're going to back away. Let you have a clear field, all right? I'll call the next person forward… everyone back now, so Neville can get a clear shot…"
They all retreated, backing against the walls, leaving Neville alone beside the wardrobe. He looked pale and frightened, but he had pushed up the sleeves of his robes and was holding his wand ready. Amelia smiled to herself, there was a lot of fight in this outwardly timid boy.
"On the count of three, Neville," said Lupin, who was pointing his own wand at the handle of the wardrobe. "One – two – three – now!"
A jet of sparks shot from the end of Lupin's wand and hit the doorknob. The wardrobe burst open. Hook-nosed and menacing, Professor Snape stepped out, his eyes flashing at the boy before him.
Neville backed away, his wand up, mouthing wordlessly. Snape was bearing down upon him, reaching inside his robes.
"R-r-riddikulus!" squeaked Neville.
There was a noise like a whip-crack. Snape stumbled; he was wearing a long, lace-trimmed dress and a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture, and swinging a huge crimson handbag from his hand.
There was a roar of laughter; the Boggart paused, confused, and Lupin shouted, "Parvati! Forward!"
Parvati walked forward, her face set. Snape rounded on her. There was another crack, and where he had stood was a blood-stained, bandaged mummy; it's sightless face was turned to Parvati and it began to walk towards her, very slowly, dragging its feet, its stiff arms rising –
"Riddikulus!" cried Parvati.
A bandage unravelled at the mummy's feet; it became entangled, fell face forwards and its head rolled off.
"Seamus!" roared Lupin.
Seamus darted past Parvati.
Crack! Where the mummy had been was a woman with floor length black hair and a skeletal, green-tinged face – a banshee. She opened her mouth wide, and an unearthly sound filled the room, a long, wailing shriek which made the hair on the back of Amelia's neck stand on end –
"Riddikulus!" shouted Seamus.
The banshee made a rasping noise and clutched her throat; her voice was gone.
Crack! The banshee became a rat, which chased its tail in a circle, then – crack! – became a rattlesnake, which slithered and writhed before – crack! – becoming a single, bloody eyeball.
"It's confused!" shouted Lupin. "We're getting there! Dean!"
Dean hurried forward.
Crack! The eyeball became a severed hand, which flipped over, and began to creep along the floor like a crab.
"Riddikulus!" yelled Dean.
There was snap, and the hand was trapped in a mousetrap.
"Excellent! Ron, you next!"
Ron leapt forward.
Crack!
Quite a few people screamed. A giant spider, six feet tall and covered in hair, was advancing on Ron, clicking its pincers menacingly. For a moment Harry thought Ron had frozen. Then –
"Riddikulus!" bellowed Ron, and the spider's legs vanished. It rolled over and over; Lavendar Brown squealed and ran out of its way and it came to a halt at Harry's feet. He raised his wand, ready, but –
"Here!" shouted Lupin suddenly, hurrying forward.
Crack!
The legless spider had vanished. For a second everyone looked wildly around to see where it was. Then they saw a silvery white orb hanging in the air in front of Lupin, who said "Riddikulus!" almost lazily.
Crack!
"Forward, Neville, and finish him off!" said Lupin, as the Boggart landed on the floor as a cockroach. Crack! Snape was back. This time Neville charged forward looking determined.
"Riddikulus!" he shouted, and they had a spilt second's view of Snape in his lacy dress before Neville let out a great "Ha!" of laughter, and the Boggart exploded, burst into a thousand tiny wisps of smoke and was gone.
"Excellent!" cried Lupin, as the class broke into applause. "Excellent, Neville. Let me see… five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the Boggart – ten for Neville because he did it twice – and five each to Harry and Hermione."
"But I didn't do anything," said Harry.
"You and Hermione answered my questions correctly at the start of the class, Harry," Lupin said lightly. "Very well, everyone, an excellent lesson. Homework, kindly read the chapter on Boggarts and summarise it for me… to be handed in on Monday. That will be all."
As the class filed out, chattering excitedly, Amelia went to retrieve her book, which had fallen behind her chair when Ron's spider had made its appearance.
"I think that went rather well," said Lupin, examining the now Boggart-free wardrobe.
"It was pretty cool," smiled Amelia. "Though I was relieved that you stopped Harry having a go." Hermione too, for that matter. "I wouldn't like to speculate on what that Boggart would have become if it had gotten to him."
"No, well, precisely," said Lupin, a little absently. "I rather assumed that it would take the form of Lord Voldemort – not the sort of thing a class full of third-years ought to see in their first week back.
"Your cousin's bright," he said, closing the wardrobe and looking up at the witch.
Amelia nodded, "And apparently as much of an academic show-off as I used to be…"
The corners of Remus's mouth twitched upwards, "I can well imagine."
"Oy!" she returned, playfully. "I'll have you know that seven years of state schooling beat it out of me; you won't catch me raising my hand anymore unless it's important."
"Sorry."
"It's fine."
"I used to be just the same, you know. Spent a lot of time in the Library, avoiding that 'beating' you mentioned… although here it was generally a 'hexing' instead."
"I was library monitor for three years, voluntarily."
"It seems we've established equal standing in the geekiness stakes then," Remus said, his smile growing.
"So it would appear."
There was one of those odd pauses that people new to one another sometimes experience.
"So, tell me about Boggarts," Amelia said, breaking the slightly awkward silence. "What happens to them when they vanish? Do they die? How do they get into the dark spaces if they're so agoraphobic? How do they reproduce?"
Remus raised his hands at the onslaught as he took a seat near to the wardrobe.
"One at a time, please!"
Amelia chuckled, "Sorry, this is all new and exciting to me."
"Fair enough. Now, Boggarts are probably responsible for the bogey-man myth that Muggle fiction references so often…"
0o0o0o0
They spent a pleasant hour discussing the magical origins of various Muggle myths before departing for dinner.
Both Remus and Amelia had a hard job keeping straight faces as they passed Severus, who scowled unpleasantly at them. Amelia noticed that a good portion of the Gryffindor table were shooting him furtive looks and snickering.
Clearly, word had spread around the castle rapidly as Pomona Sprout instantly cornered her to substantiate the rumour. She and Remus spent a hysterical ten minutes regaling Pomona, Poppy Pomfrey and Filius Flitwick with the tale of Severus and Black Lace, before the five of them, red-faced and breathless, joined the rest of the staff at the high table. As Pomona surreptitiously (or at least what she imagined was surreptitiously) spread the story further a-field, even Minerva was having a hard time maintaining a straight face; Hagrid was sniggering behind an enormous handkerchief and Dumbledore periodically snorted into his dinner.
Desperate to maintain some semblance of responsibility amongst the staff, Amelia desperately tried to keep a lid on her mirth, and just about managed this until pudding was served and she caught Hermione's eye across the hall. The younger witch used that silent form of communication that the two of them occasionally shared, and an image from Amelia's childhood resurfaced, unbidden, from the depths of Disney's Lion King. Eyes widening, she clapped a hand to her mouth to unsuccessfully stifle the 'coughing fit' that this produced. When Remus finally managed to get coherent words out of her, all she could manage was "What do you want me to do? Dress in Drag and do the Hula?" before she dissolved into another bout of giggles.
At the Gryffindor table, Hermione was faring little better and had grabbed the sleeve of a bewildered Ron and hissed "Live bait! Luau! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Pumba here because he is a treat! Come on down and dine on this tasty swine – all you have to do is get in line!" before she too was beyond hope.