I see the light at the end of the tunnel! Or...is it a blue lantern...? ;)

Ch. 38

Alice bolted to her feet and sent her chair flying. Burning with embarrassment, she turned and walked to the window.

"I-I'm not crying!" she stammered while rubbing her eyes, trying to sound tough. "I'm…just glad you're all right. Sorry I woke you."

Randel sat up slowly and turned to look at her. This wasn't the first time he'd awakened, but it was the first time he felt some of his old strength return to his aching limbs.

But you were crying…for me, he thought. Were you really that worried?

After a moment he said, "Okay."

Was that a twinge of disappointment in his voice? Alice looked back at him and immediately regretted it. She couldn't withstand that gaze any longer. In fact, she wanted to run, but knew that wouldn't help. She released a long sigh and turned away again.

"So," he heard her say, "the therapists say you're improving rapidly. Do you remember everything? Who you are? Where you are? Did anyone tell you what happened?"

She heard him take a deep breath.

"My name is Randel Oland," he said. "My rank is Corporal. My unit is Section Three, Pumpkin Scissors."

Just hearing him say that again was enough to put a lump in her throat. She thought he'd leave it at that, but he continued.

"I left to go find my lantern, and arrived in Cavelia, where they accepted me as one of their own. It was General Ulrich's idea to pass me off as a wrestler so I could go from town to town in order to find it. I left my sidearm with him for safe keeping. Shortly after, however, I began experiencing the memory loss and hallucinations."

"But you remember everything now?" Alice asked.

Randel's smile was the same crooked grin, but something was decidedly different.

"I-I remember dancing with you," he said softly. "You looked…amazing."

Alice blushed and turned away. "Enough," she said, trying to be gruff again. "I believe you."

She sighed. He needs to heal, she thought. He's safe now, and himself again. Just say what you need to say, then leave him be. But first…

"Do you...have any plans?" she asked. "I mean, once you're back on your feet?"

Randel was genuinely surprised. "Plans?"

"Sure," she said. "Well, I just wanted to know so that I…I mean, so that we can keep in touch with you. The doctors say that wrestling's not the best idea, but it's doable, so that's a lot of traveling…"

"Wait a minute…" Randel began, but Alice went on.

"Or maybe you want to just return to Cavelia? That's your permanent address, right?"

"But…but Ma'am…"

"I know you probably don't want to come back to the Empire, so…" she babbled, "so I wanted to talk to you before you leave. I have to."

Randel said nothing and waited. He knew if he interrupted her now she would lose her nerve.

She took a deep breath, and walked over to him, facing him dead on. "Corporal, I owe you an apology. I know now that I was both unfair and immature, the night I banished you."

She looked down at her boots, ashamed. "No, I was stupid, really. I wasn't upset with you, not like you think, anyway. You see, I believed Chairman Luna when she told me that you would be safer and happier with her and the Shadowers. She's the one who gave me the excuse. That's why I was so vehement. However, I can't…I refuse to place the blame on her alone. This is my fault. My own self-righteousness caused this entire mess. And when I realized how wrong I was, I had to-I mean, we had to find you."

After a moment she began to pace the floor. "We looked for you for months. We missed you; er…well, we had to make sure you were really all right. Trouble seems to follow you, you know."

"I know,"Randel said, his tone somber. He brightened and gave his crooked grin. "So you…you were worried about me."

"Well, of course!" she said, stopping to stand in front of him, hands on hips. She then muttered, "Don't make it into a big deal."

Each time Alice focused on Randel, the pain in her heart increased. Yet his expression was one of quiet surprise and happiness.

"But it is a big deal," he said, "to me. I thought that maybe you were…a little afraid of me." He looked genuinely confused and cocked his head to the side. "So…you…I mean, what I did…not just what happened at the ball, b-but what Luna told you…I thought that…you wouldn't want me to come back. I-I thought for sure you'd hate me!"

Alice's jaw dropped in spite of herself.

"I could never hate you!" she cried. "You're not just my subordinate, you know. You're my friend!" She blushed scarlet at the sound of her voice. She watched his eyes widen in complete fascination and turned away, abashed.

"Y-your…friend?" Randel echoed softly.

"W-well…yes," she stammered, "I-I mean, you were…are an excellent soldier! Y-you were sick, so of course you weren't thinking rationally! And you said…you told me you had no choice but to stop your brothers-in-arms. Now that I've seen with my own eyes what that's like, how can I possibly blame you now? I can't even imagine making a decision like that!"

Randel swallowed hard. Never in his life had anyone validated his actions. It didn't make up for what he had done; he knew nothing could, but he also knew it was the closest he would ever get to forgiveness.

Alice continued babbling. "Section Three wouldn't be what it is today without you! And of course I was worried! I was so sure we would find you dead in a ditch somewhere! We tried and tried…no leads, nothing. Then we find you, only to have you not even remember how much you mean to m-uh…us! But finally you did remember…and I almost lost you…and it's…it's all my…"

Alice's knees gave way and she collapsed to the floor. She cursed herself for being so weak, but she couldn't stop. Unable to hold her emotions in check any longer, she wept, her tiny shoulders shaking with the effort.

Oland's heart pounded. He'd never seen her cry before, not like this. She wasn't his almighty Valkyrie, but this flawed and more human Alice was even better. His big heart ached with compassion and…something else. He didn't dare name it for fear he would have to let it go. He slid out of bed and semi-crawled to her. She glanced out of the corner of her eye and gasped.

"No!" she cried, her voice muffled because her hands were covering her face. She warded him off. "Go back to bed, Corporal! I'll leave so you can rest."

He paid her no heed, and moved closer, resting a heavy hand on her back. Frustrated, she reached back to slap him.

"Stop it! Don't," she said, and let her hand fly, only to have him catch it. She looked up at him, his awkward, painful honesty melting her resolve.

"Damn you!" she said, "Why don't you ever listen?" She tried to shove him away, but he simply gathered her into his arms, pulling her close. She struggled briefly, but he held still until her anger gave way and she could only cling to him for dear life, sobbing into his shoulder.

Alice dimly noted the strange sensation of being completely enveloped by this enormous and very warm wall of a body. One timid hand nestled in her hair, petting her. She blushed, unused to such intimate contact, but he cradled her as though she was the most precious thing in the world. She felt his head rest on top of hers. After a long moment of just holding her, he moved so that his mouth was next to her ear. His warm breath made her shiver.

"Alice," he whispered, "it's okay…there's no shame in tears. It makes me glad, because many soldiers can't anymore. They think it's about control, but they're wrong. And-and you can cry on me any time you need to. Y-you don't always have to be so…so brave."

For some reason that broke something inside of her and Alice pressed herself against him, sobbing. How did he know? How did he guess she was so very tired of being brave?

"I'm sorry!" she cried. "You weren't supposed to get hurt anymore! I-I just wanted to protect you!"

Randel shushed her, holding her even tighter. He swallowed hard, trying not to cry himself.

"Th-then you listen to me, Ma'am," he whispered in her hair, sniffling. "You did nothing wrong. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying, you hear me? I'm staying, and you did nothing wrong." He'd wanted to hold Alice like this before, but he never thought she'd let him get so close, not after attacking her. He let his hand rest on the back of her head. "In fact, th-that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

Alice was grief-stricken. Randel was just being kind and she knew better than do something this foolish! She was a noble, a Malvin, damn it! She found her hands on his chest and was about to rise when she looked up at him and froze.

Randel had suddenly gone very quiet. His stormy eyes were dilated to where they were almost black, glittering like obsidian. He was bent over her, inches from her face, his cheeks pink, his breath unsteady. He looked so sad, almost fearful, but his head almost inadvertently continued to lower down, his lips slightly parted.

"O-Oland?"

Suddenly he realized what he was doing and pulled away, tucking her head into his chest. She could hear his heart hammering away.

He willed himself to be still. "Forgive me," he whispered after a long moment. "I-I know I have no right. You're a noble and all, and I'm…I'm not…"

Alice felt the familiar twinge on the back of her neck. She finally realized what his eyes were saying, even if his lips could not.

Protocol be damned. What good is a royal house if she couldn't use it to save the ones she cared about most?

She sat up. "I-I don't feel very noble today," she muttered. She reached up, took his great head in her hands and kissed him.

Randel was completely stunned. He couldn't move for several moments, eyes wide as dinner plates, inhaling sharply through his nose and holding it. He watched her kiss him, afraid to blink and find it only a dream. When her tears splashed onto his cheeks, he shuddered.

Alice stopped and pulled back, a hand flying to her mouth. He looked at her in bewilderment, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to speak.

After a long moment, he asked the only question he could.

"Why?" His voice was softer than a ghost's.

"I'm sorry!" she whispered. Embarrassed, she prepared to stand; only to find herself unable to move. He wouldn't let her.

"O-Oland?"

Still somewhat stunned, Randel became intensely determined. Very slowly, as though she was an untamed kitten, he reached up and let his thumb wipe the tears away from her face. Mesmerized, she held still as he grasped her chin with just his fingertips, which shook ever so slightly.

He knew better. He knew it was a mistake, but…

But…he thought, if I can have this, just this…only once...

He bent his head, closed his eyes and brushed her lips with his own. His kiss was so feathery light yet so filled with tenderness Alice could have wept. He made a small sound, somewhere between a sigh and a cry of pain.

Alice couldn't believe a kiss could mean so much. She tried to say his name, but could only whisper, "Oh…"

This. This was what Lionel was missing. This tenderness and passion…and compassion, too, but also the feeling of being cherished like no one else mattered, or even existed. Lionel had none of these.

Randel reminded himself of just how fragile Alice was and he tried with all his might not to crush her against his chest. He continued to kiss her softly, barely touching her face as though she were as delicate as sea foam. The sensation was at once delightful and maddening. Tentative, she started kissing him back, slowly at first. She heard him gasp, and she grew bolder. He paused, swallowing hard, and cradled her head in both hands.

"Alice," he said softly, his voice sliding into a growl. He turned her head and kissed the cheek he'd bruised, his kisses gradually becoming deeper and slower, nearly massaging her skin. He opened his mouth and pressed his lips against her forehead before continuing on down the other side of her face. When he returned to her lips, his mouth had become decidedly hotter and much more eager. His grasp was still very gentle but inescapable.

She realized what he wanted to do, but never would without her permission. Suddenly nervous, she pulled back.

"Randel," she said, "I can't."

He gasped and looked ashamed. "I'm-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" He began to let go of her.

"No, that's not what I meant," she said quickly, grabbing the front of his hospital gown. "It's just…I can't…kiss like…well, like the way I'm sure you want to. I mean, I…I've never…" she couldn't finish, blushing and bowing her head.

"Oh," he said, relieved. He then smiled his crooked grin. "I don't mind."

"But I…I want to know…if only once," she mumbled, blushing harder. She looked up at him. "I-I don't suppose you…you'd want t-to…"

A look of pure wonder crossed his face. His eyes softened. "I…I'd be honored."

Alice smiled and tried to relax. Randel stroked her cheek with his fingers. He gulped again.

"If-if it's too much…just…we'll stop," he said.

She felt herself nod. He cradled her head in his great hands again and just looked at her for a long moment. The kiss began as soft and slow as before, but then his thumb found her chin and nudged it. Her lips parted and he deepened the kiss, gently probing with his tongue. At first Alice was apprehensive, unsure of what to do, but Randel was patient and waited for her, guiding her mouth with his own. He decided she was a fast learner. He rumbled in pleasure deep in his throat, unable to stop himself. Yet still he only went so far as she did.

Alice gasped when she realized that the gentle undulations of his tongue were mimicking the act of lovemaking. Her body was suddenly feverish as he deepened the kiss even more. So this was the taboo. He wasn't just kissing her mouth-he was making love to her with his mouth. No wonder he seemed so shocked at first! Why did she think it was disgusting before? A fine tremor began in his fingers, and she could feel the tension in his shoulders and back. She realized he was doing everything he could to hold himself back, probably so as not to frighten her. She reached up, threw her arms around his neck and kissed him harder.

It was as though Randel's body had an earthquake. He growled as the control he had held on to for so long started slipping. He responded immediately, one hand suddenly splayed flat against her back, the other cradling her head and the back of her neck. She felt him lean backwards until they were sprawled on the floor. Within moments, she felt his powerful chest heave in tears.

The Valkyrie…the angel warrior, he thought, exhilarated and terrified at the same time, my little Lieutenant…if this is a dream, I never want to wake up!

Frightened because of his sudden response, she pulled back to look at him, wondering if she had aggravated his injuries.

"Are you all right?" she began to say, but he flattened her against his chest, panting hard, shaking.

He couldn't help it. A chuckle rolled its way out of him as he looked her over, as though he couldn't quite believe this was really happening.

"'All right'?" he said, "I'm…I'm just…so happy."

She felt his hands roam up and down her head and back. She noted he didn't dare touch her anywhere else. However, he was holding her in such a way that she still couldn't escape even if she tried.

"You're a Valkyrie." he said. "You're my light…you're my true lantern, Alice."

""But…what do you mean?" Alice asked. "I don't understand. I'm nothing special." She tried to look at him, but he flattened her once more, his hands clutching and unclutching her coat.

"Shh," he whispered, "just let me hold you…just for a little while, that's all. I can't…I won't ask for more than that."

Reluctantly, Alice relaxed into his embrace. They lay together in silence, his hand slowly stroking her head, when he finally stilled and she heard him snore softly. All too soon she heard the nurse approach and she tapped him until he awoke. Somehow he managed to get up and return to bed, groggy as he was. Even when the nurse entered, he was reluctant to let go of Alice's hand. The nurse instructed her to go home and let him sleep. She agreed but told the nurse to wait outside while she said her farewells.

"Will you be all right now?" she asked Randel.

His smile was serene. "I think I'm more all right than I've been in a very long time," he said.

Alice felt like crying again. At first, she didn't know why. She then realized she was still afraid to leave him.

"I'll be back tomorrow," she whispered. She teased his scruffy hair and he laughed.

"I'll be here," he replied. "I promise."

Alice left, and for the first time since the war began, Randel slept soundly all night.