I don't own Naruto.
When Leaders Go On Vacation
#2: To be a leader: Naruto
"Master I think it's time." A pink haired kanochi stated as she stood across the desk. Tsunade's head snapped up and she noticed her student glaring at the vodka bottle in her hands.
Oh Gosh! Please don't tell me that my student thinks it's time I stopped drinking! But I'm menopausal I can drink as much as I want. Don't tell me this girl is becoming another Shuzine. Back off bitch the vodka is mine.
"Uh…. Master?" Sakura called abruptly snapping her teacher out of her thoughts.
"MINE!" Tsunade suddenly yelled and proceeded to press the vodka bottle in the area between her boobs, "My precious," she drawled while she seductively (creepily) stroked the bottle. ANBU captain Boar literally had a nose bleed –thank the Ramen gods for the mask.
"SHISHU," Sakura exclaimed. By now the Blondie had proceeded to gulp down the vodka at light speed.
"There!" Tsunade announced while she slammed the now empty bottle on to the desk. "My precious is within me now you can't have em!"
"Master I wasn't talking about your sake." Sakura said calmly. While inner Sakura screamed: You can keep your vodka you old hag, I still have that stash of tequila I stole from you back at home! CHA!
"Than what is it time for?" Tsunade snapped irritably.
"Isn't it high time Naruto came back from his training trip with master Jiraiya?" She asked.
"Hn now that you mentioned it they should be back any moment now." There was a strange glint in Tsunade's eyes. Sakura's trained eyes caught it as a form of excitement. HN she must be excited to see Naruto …. Unless she's got a thing going on with master Jiraiya –NO NO Sakura, Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! Old people are incapable of having an active sex life. That's why they're such prudes.
Sakura shook her head to clear off all the bad thoughts. Noticing this Tsunade asked, "What's the matter?"
"Uh….err …..N-n-nothing, l-lady Tsunade." Sakura finally managed to say.
"Well if you have nothing else to say than leave!" Tsunade said a bit too impatiently.
"H-Hai," Sakura said before leaving.
PRUDE.
Thank goodness. Tsunade sighed in relief. I thought 'no-chest' would never leave. Seriously being my student some people actually expected her to grow a pair of boobies. Than reaching down to her bottom desk drawer she pulled out a scroll. Thus it contained the following contents:
(A/N: The words in bold is the letter, the italics are Tsunade's thoughts.)
Dear Leaders of the World,
Bored of being locked up all day in an office? Of course it's so monotonous in here.
Absolutely sick of that never ending piles of paperwork? Well DUH! I don't even know where they come from!
Have you had enough of those idiotic suborndates of yours? Tell me about it….. I mean seriously how dumb can one person get?
Want a vacation? Yes!
Wan to get drunk without a care in the world? YES!
Want to gamble to your heart's content? HELL YES!
You are here by formally invited to an all expense paid stay at our luxury isolated island resort. HN! Finally a way out! For nine months you will be free of bitches, That damned daimyo, Old Hags, Ah the fucking council, and bitchy old hags YES! No more Danzo.
Tired of all this Politics, I'm engaging in politics even when in shitting in the bathroom! All these rebellions, Tell me about it Shuzine always rebels against my vodka! Sick of no one following your laws? I know right, even after three years Anko still runs around naked.
But wait I can't leave who's going to take my place? The village will be ruined without me! Nine months does seem like a long time!
Worried about how to get a temporary leader? This thing read my mind again! Well look no further we took the liberty of jotting down things you can do! This ought to be interesting!
No.1: Claim that your partner is pregnant and want you to be alone with her for a while. Than grab the first blond sucker that walks into your room and declare him/her leader. Is this a sorry attempt at cracking a blond joke? Only a dumb looking punk with orange hair and piercings all over would try something like this! (A/N: see what I just did there ;).
No.2: Get someone trust worthy enough and /or stupid enough. Tell him/her that you're on a top secret mission that only Kages are allowed to do and convince him/her to pose as you! That's actually a really good Idea….. Maybe I should-
*CRASH*BANG*
Before Tsunade continue, our favorite Cyclopes crashed through the window and landed on her lap. A vein throbbed on her forehead and her left eye began to twitch rapidly. The silver haired Junín drowsily looked up at his superior. Then as if in a daze he reached up and pinched her right breast. Then proceeded to give one big perverted eye-smile.
"KAKASHI!" She screamed. To Kakashi the woman looked like an erupting volcano. Then finally the man snapped back into his senses.
OH SHIT! The man realized a little too late. He quickly jumped off her lap and ran to the further most corner of the room. Tsunade stood up and began stomping towards him. Poor Kakashi stood there shaking like the pathetic coward that he is, "No! No! No!" he began chanting.
She was three steps away from him…. Like the man that he is, he began biting his finger nails.
She was two steps away from him… Like the man that he is, he began biting his toe nails.
She was one step away from him….. Like the man that he is, he started pulling out his hair.
Reaching out with her hulk like hands she grabbed him by the neck. Holding him high in the air she glared at him. Kakashi felt something very uncomfortable in his pants. Than one loud battle cry of "PERVERT" she flung him through the roof.
Only one thought ran through Kakashi's mind as he soared through the sky: I'm blasting off again!
Tsunade sighed then sensing two Chakra sources by the window she turned towards them. There standing on the window still in all their glory was none other than one Uzamaki Naruto and his perverted mentor Jiraiya.
"Naruto is that you?" Anger temporarily forgotten Tsunade exclaimed, "My how much have you grown?"
"Ha-ha! Hay old hag it's good to see you too!" Tsunade felt her anger return. Just because he grew out of his underwear doesn't mean he became smarter.
"Ha! But the same old brat!" than turning to her old friend she said, "And how have you been you old toad, I trust that everything went well during your travels?"
"Of course Hemi! Why would anything go wrong?" Before the Hokage could reply Naruto interrupted, "Hay by the way baa-Chan have you seen Kakashi-sensei by any chance?"
"No I haven't why do you ask?" Little lies here and there don't hurt.
"Well you see….." Naruto began….
*FLASHBACK*TEN*MINUTES*AGO*
"Hay Kakashi-Sensei it's been like forever since I last saw you." Naruto yelled at the top of his lungs despite the fact that the silver haired man was standing right next to him.
"Actually Naruto it's only been three years!" The Junín replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Naruto gave him a deadpanned look, Geez Sensei why you gotta be so literal? Must be an old people thing after all. I mean look at purvey-sage getting no bed action at all turned him into a prude.
Naruto turned to look at Jiraiya who was… giggling while reading a porn book that he wrote himself. The boy sweat-dropped and secretly prayed that he didn't end up like that one day.
"Hay Kakashi-sensei I challenge you to a battle!" Naruto shouted while pointing at him. Kakashi sighed, than pulling out his infamous orange book he said calmly, "Alright Naruto we will."
Naruto's eye twitched, He's not taking me seriously at all! How old does he think I am –twelve? How to get him to take me seriously? …..Oh I know….
Mischief sparkled in the boy's blue eyes as he turned to his teacher.
"THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!" He roared and in a swift movement shoved his middle finger deep into his Sensei's …..ass.
Time stopped for Kakashi as he suddenly realized something was wrong. VERY. VERY. WRONG. Than before his mind registered anything else he was launched into the air.
Only one thing ran through his mind as he shot through the sky: MY ASS!
*END*FLASHBACK*
"… and then we saw him flying in this direction." Naruto finished.
"Uh-Hn…." Tsunade said. She slightly felt guilty for Hatake. Nah who was she kidding, knowing his luck the bastard must have probably landed in a hot spring somewhere. Turning to her desk the invitation caught her attention. Suddenly a plan formulated in her mind. "Umm…. Jiraiya!"
"Yes my Hemi?" he asked.
"Get out!" She said abruptly, "It's urgent I need to speak to Naruto so please leave."
"Fine." He pouted like a child and turned to walk out dejectedly.
"What do you need baa-Chan?" Naruto asked casually.
"Actually Naruto I've decided to assign you to a mission." At the word mission a wide grin made its way across the boy's face.
"What kind of mission?" he asked sweetly.
"It's a Super-Duper-Awsometagious-Epically-Incridible-Fant astically-Hotmazing mission." Tsunade finished in one breath, than began gasping for air. Naruto's eyes widened after every word and by the time she finished he was literally bouncing with excitement.
"A Super-Duper-Awsometagious-Epically-Incridible-Fant astically-Hotmazing mission!" Naruto repeated with glee.
"Yes!" Tsunade confirmed not wanting to repeat the statement again. But before Naruto could start celebrating Tsunade said, "However before I tell you anything must promise me two things!"
"Uhh….. Ok what's the catch?" Naruto asked with a calculating look on his face.
"Well Firstly this is a top secret S-rank mission and no one and I mean NO ONE except you, Shuzine and I will know about this!"
"Hai I promise not to tell a single soul, you have my word!" Naruto replied without any hesitation.
"Secondly I must warn you, this is a nine month long mission, it is a test of patience, tolerance and most of all determination! You must promise me that you won't back down, no matter what!"
"I promise Baa-Chan Uzamaki Naruto never backs down, no matter what. Cause that's my ninja way." Naruto proudly swore.
"Alright listen closely…"
*5*MINUTES*LATER*
"You can count on me old hag! BELIEVE IT!"
Ohhhh! What is this Super-Duper-etc-etc mission all about? If you want to guess go ahead. I left a clue somewhere in the letter. Please REVIEW! Oh and remember this is a Semi-Crack-fic so crazy random things aren't gonna happen all the time. Oh and next chapter is dedicated to everyone's favourite pedo and plushie (a.k.a Sasuke).