And I don't wanna fall in love/This love is only gonna break your heart/And I don't want to fall in love/This love is only gonna break your heart
Bubbles placed the car seat that Bonnie was strapped into onto the step by Blossom's front door. Rearranging the diaper bag balanced on her shoulder, she rang the doorbell and waited for her sister to answer.
She could hear the sound of Blake crying from inside, and she smiled faintly. Maybe she had interrupted a nursing session to get the door; she'd answer it when she could.
But a few moments passed; Blake continued to scream inside, and no one came to the door.
She must have been in; she could hear Blake wailing loudly inside. He wouldn't be home alone - of course not. She pressed the doorbell again, and rapped her hand against the door loudly. Maybe Blossom hadn't heard her knocking over Blake's screams - their puffruff children had a mighty set of lungs on them, not knowing how to control their powers yet as they were only babies.
Bubbles glanced at her watch and realised she must have been waiting for about 4 or 5 minutes now. That wasn't normal. Blossom usually answered immediately, even if she was nursing Blake she would still come to the door. Picking Bonnie up in her car seat, she decided to hop the gate on their front lawn and see if she could see them inside through the window.
She only zoomed around the ground floor windows, not wanting to be overreacting and Blossom was just on the toilet or something trivial like that.
She couldn't see her. She knocked and rang the doorbell another couple of times, and even tried phoning Blossom's house phone and cell. She got nothing. She became worried then; something must have happened. So without hesitation she gently placed Bonnie's car seat back onto the step and high kicked Blossom's front door open, busting the lock.
It opened with a thud, banging against the wall behind it. Bubbles burst inside, clutching Bonnie as steady as she could.
"Blossom?" She called, poking her head into the kitchen diner, then the lounge, downstairs toilet and cloakroom. All were empty, she must have been upstairs.
"Blossom?!" She yelled again, as she zipped into Blake's room. Blake was in his cot, red in the face and crying hysterically. She rushed to him, placing Bonnie in her car seat down on the floor nearby.
"Shh, shhh, ohh it's okay Blakey. Oh dear, where is your Mommy?" She asked him, turning absentmindedly and noticing that his Mommy was in fact in the same room as them.
She just hadn't noticed her there at first glance. She was sitting on the floor, her back arched, staring glassy eyed and almost hypnotised.
Bubbles crouched down beside her, Blake still in her arms as she gingerly placed her hand on Blossom's shoulder gently. "Blossom? Blossom are you okay?"
She was shaking profusely, and had tears running down her face. Blossom didn't budge as Bubbles gently shook her and called her name. She was rigid beneath Bubbles' touch.
"Blossom? Blossom please, what's wrong?" Bubbles exclaimed, trying not to cry herself as fear and panic took over. Blossom didn't reply, and Bubbles realised she wasn't present. Her eyes were completely absent.
Maybe she's having a flashback… Bubbles pondered as she looked down at Blake, still screeching in her arms; and Bonnie, who was beginning to whimper in her car seat - all the noise her cousin was making was upsetting her.
Blossom spoke, making Bubbles jump and turn toward her. She whimpered, quietly begging something - or maybe someone - to stop.
Bubbles felt her heart tear at the realisation that she was having a flashback, and that there was nothing she could do to help her sister. She held onto her tightly with her one free arm, squeezing her and telling her she loved her and she was there.
"I love you, and Buttercup loves you, and the Professor loves you, and so does Kelly, and Blake! Blake loves you so, so much! And Brick, he's always loved you, always. And Mitch, and Jay and Bonnie love you, Boomer loves you, and even Butch does! We all love you Blossom, we're all here, you don't have to be alone." Bubbles told her, tears streaming down her own face now. She'd never felt so helpless.
Blake's bawling worsened and Bubbles got to her feet, rocking him gently to try and soothe him. "It's okay baby Blakey, it's okay." The blue puff cooed, wiping tears from her eyes and forcing a smile onto her face as she looked at him, reassuring him.
She knelt down again by Blossom. "Blossom, Blake needs you. Your baby boy needs you. Blossom please, please be okay. Please?"
Blossom blinked suddenly, glancing to her right to see Bubbles sat beside her, with wide wet eyes, and Blake screaming in her arms. She slowly came around, looking dazed and confused as her eyes focused on the room.
"Oh Blossom!" Bubbles cried, nuzzling into her side. "That was so scary! I was so worried!"
Blossom's heart beat rapidly in her chest as she looked down and noticed Blake howling in her sisters' arms.
A wave of shame and embarrassment swept over her as she realised she'd had a flashback, a doozy of one it seemed, whilst she was supposed to be looking after Blake.
"Oh my god…" She muttered. "Oh my god, I can't believe that just happened." She wailed worriedly. "What if I was holding him when it happened? What if… Bubbles I am so sorry! And so glad you were here!"
"Sorry?! What do you have to be sorry about?! Blossom this is not your fault!" Bubbles insisted, passing Blake into her outstretched arms. "How long has this been happening? Or is this the first time?"
"Erm... Not the first time, but, not that often…" Blossom said, her arms shaking still as she held onto her son and gently hushed him.
Bubbles gave her a stern look. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." She mumbled fruitlessly, wiping her hair out of her face and noticing she had sweat on her forehead.
Bubbles got to her feet, turning to help Blossom stand, then scooping the handle to Bonnie's car seat up onto the crook of her arm.
"Let's get you downstairs, and I'll make you a drink of something." Bubbles instructed, taking her hand and leading her down the stairs.
"Okay… I need to feed Blake." Blossom answered blearily. "I'm pretty sure that's what I was doing before… He must be starving - Blake, I'm so sorry baby." She cooed down at him apologetically. He'd quieted a little the moment his mother had held him, but he was still crying incessantly.
"That's fine. Bonnie needs feeding too - we can have a nursing session, and a chat." Bubbles told her, plonking her down on her sofa in the living room. "Oh, and sorry about the lock on your door…" She smiled sheepishly, before disappearing to get Blossom a sweet, sugary drink.
"So, I'm going to ask you again…" Bubbles said gently but firmly, as they both sat nursing in the living room. "How long has this been going on for?" Her voice was so full of authority, so much so that Blossom forgot it was Bubbles, her soft, serene sister that she was talking to.
"Well, since it happened I suppose." Blossom mumbled.
"How often?" Bubbles added.
Blossom swallowed, looking down at Blake and watching him nurse. "4 or 5 times a week, I guess..."
"Blossom! Why the hell have you hidden this?!" Bubbles barked.
"They aren't all as bad as that one was… That was a particularly bad episode. I normally know when it's coming and I can control it - ish. But sometimes they take me by surprise and it completely takes over. Like that one did." Blossom attempted to assure her.
"Does Brick know?" Bubbles queried, concern evident in her face.
"Ermm, on some level –" Blossom began but Bubbles cut in.
"Yes or no? Does he know?" Bubbles repeated.
"He knows I've had the odd one. But I guess he doesn't know that they're a frequent occurrence…" Blossom muttered quietly, and Bubbles sighed lightly.
"Blossom," Bubbles said, her voice gentler now. "Why have you been hiding this from us? You shouldn't be going through this alone. It's not fair on you, and it's not fair on Blake! He needs his Mommy to be happy. And we need and want you to be happy!"
"I know but - I just feel so - I don't know, ashamed. Ashamed that it's doing this to me, ashamed to be so weak." Blossom said, still not looking her in the eye.
"Ashamed?" Bubbles said, perplexed. "Weak?! You should not be ashamed of this Blossom - and there's no way you're weak at all!"
"I have finally started to get my life together, to do the things I've always wanted to do, or be. I'm back with Brick, we're living together - we're happy. I'm a mother, to a beautiful baby boy, with Brick. But then there's this great, big, soul sucking thing that is just always there - lingering, and now I'm a wreck! Again! And it's my fault! Because for some reason I can't seem to make myself just focus on the good things. The bad stuff keeps clawing its way back into my head. I've got so many good things to look toward, but I just can't seem to hide from this." Blossom said, feeling a weight lift off her chest as she spoke.
"It's okay. The first step is admitting you need help." Bubbles said softly, smiling a saddened smile. "I'm here now. We're all here, and we're going to help."
Brick nodded as he held the phone to his ear using his shoulder and his head to keep it there. "Yep. Yep, that sounds great." He muttered, not really paying much attention to the employee who was harping away down the other end of his phone. He was far too busy playing a zombie shoot-out game on his cell phone to properly take in the conversation. He didn't really care either - since Blake had been born he'd found work so much more boring.
"Send the files up and I'll authorise it. Yes, no it's fine. Oh, are you shitting me?" He cried as he killed a good guy and lost a life. "No, I wasn't talking about that, it's – nothing, don't worry."
He nodded lazily and 'uh-huh-ed' and 'mm-hmm-ed' as they jabbered on, when suddenly the line went dead. He closed his game, sliding his cell phone into his pocket and looking at the receiver to his office phone in confusion.
He looked at the holder and noticed a hand pushing down the button to end the call.
The hand belonged to Bubbles, who was holding Blake in one arm and Bonnie in the other.
"Hey… What's going on, what are you doing here?" Brick asked, as Blake was shoved into his arms. He smiled down at his weeks old son, but then gave Bubbles a confused look. "Is everything okay?"
"No it's not." Bubbles answered, her voice stern. "Blossom is not okay. She needs our help."
"How'd you mean?" Brick asked as he looked back down at Blake.
"She's struggling with what happened Brick - she's struggling because she was raped."
Brick flinched as Bubbles spoke, and she noticed. "We have to talk about it Brick! We have to help her! She's not dealing with it in a healthy way, she's ashamed, and thinks she is weak for needing help, and it's tearing her apart! She's been having flashbacks and she needs us! She may not want to acknowledge it, you may not want to acknowledge it, but she'll never be able to move on from it if she doesn't, and she needs you, and all of us there for her!" Bubbles berated.
It didn't suit her, this scolding tone, it was like being told off by a puppy.
"Where is she?" Brick answered flatly, after a few seconds of taking in what Bubbles had said.
"She's at home." Bubbles said turning to leave. She turned around sharply when Brick hadn't immediately followed her. "What are you waiting for? Come on!" She quipped.
"All right, all right!" He replied, jumping to his feet.
Blossom was sitting in her living room, staring listlessly at the TV screen, even though it was turned off. She noticed a layer of dust along the thin top of the screen. It needed dusting quite considerably.
She got to her feet and hovered into the kitchen, reaching into the cupboard under the sink and pulling out a duster and some polish. She began cleaning, catching her reflection in the TV screen as she did.
Her eyes had that red puffy look of someone who had been crying, and she looked tired and drained. What was this doing to her?
She put the duster down, switching the TV on - an attempt to distract herself a bit. There was a daytime chat show on. An assertive woman, the show's host, was scolding a man who sat in a chair. Blossom read the caption at the bottom of the screen: 'I'm not paying child maintenance, your child is not mine!'
Blossom's lips went into a thin line as she looked at the screen and tried to take interest in it. The man had brown hair, and familiar eyes. He smiled so cockily, seemed so above everyone else. Blossom felt the world close in around her as she watched, her breathing getting shallow.
It was Jeremy… It was Jeremy. She blinked as the camera showed the man once more and she swiftly realised it was not. It wasn't him. Of course it wasn't him. It was a guy who looked remotely like him… God Blossom get a hold of yourself!
She stood up, rapidly switching the TV off, and took deep, ragged breaths as she tried to collect herself. But then her stomach rolled and she could feel herself shaking. She knew she was going to be sick then. So she ran to the kitchen, and threw up violently into the sink.
The lock was now busted on the front door, it made a clunky noise as Brick, holding Blake, and Bubbles, holding Bonnie, entered the house.
"Blossom?" Brick called. They heard her retching in the kitchen. Brick turned and passed Blake into Bubbles' arms.
Brick was at Blossom's side in seconds, stroking her back. "Blossom why the hell didn't you tell me how you've been feeling? Why are you trying to do this on your own?"
Blossom spat into the sink, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand and then washing her hands, and running the tap a little. "I'm sorry. I know I should have said something. I just don't want to be weak anymore."
Brick held her closely. "You're not weak. Not at all. I'm here now. Bubbles is here - we're all here okay? We are going to fix this the best that we can."
When the front door opened, Buttercup looked around quickly, her features anxious and wary. Butch had been longer than she'd anticipated and she had been starting to worry. She didn't even know if the cell number she had for him was even accurate anymore - she was beginning to berate herself for thinking it was a good idea letting the green ruff go and pick up her son.
Jay's face was pretty identical to hers, cautious and confused, as he stepped inside the house with Butch right behind him.
"Hey." She said, half smiling at her son. He returned the smile briefly, then sighed and frowned deeply at her. The small smile she'd attempted fell off the green puff's face too.
Butch spoke before Jay could. "Don't be hard on her, Jay. It's really my fault just as much as it is your Mom's..."
"What do you mean?" Buttercup asked, her brow furrowed.
"Butch is my Dad?!" Jay asked accusingly.
Buttercup's eyes nearly fell out of her head. She looked at Butch, her expression horrified. "You - you told him?! What the fuck Butch?!"
"No!" Butch yelped. "I didn't - I -" Jay interrupted him, which Butch was quite thankful for.
"I guessed!" Jay barked. "I heard what Dad – what Mitch said, the other night before he left. I heard him say I wasn't his kid, and talking about some other dude - and then I guessed."
Buttercup stared at her son with wide, startled eyes. "Oh. Jay - oh man, Jay - baby I, I don't know what to say."
"Well, maybe sorry would be a start!" Jay said, folding his arms over his chest. "I can't believe this!" His bottom lip jutted out as he spoke, and he did his best to stop any tears from falling from his eyes. "All this time I thought Dad was my Dad and he wasn't?!"
"Jay, I am so sorry!" Buttercup cried, taking a step toward him but he took a step away from her so she stopped. The urge to console him was strong but she could see he didn't want that from her right now.
"Jay, dude, like I said - it's my fault too. I'm not expecting you to understand or comprehend this straight away, or at all, but don't take it out on your Mom." Butch said, and Jay glared at him too.
"How did this happen?!" He demanded to know. "I mean - how could this even happen?!"
Butch and Buttercup glanced at each other momentarily. Buttercup didn't say anything, she looked horrified and mortified, so Butch did.
"When we were younger, your mother and I dated. We were, umm, a bit chaotic. We broke up a lot, we argued a lot. And it went on like that for a few years. Your Da-" Butch stopped himself short. He'd always detested how even he had referred to Mitch as Jay's Dad over the years, even though he knew it wasn't true. It had almost been indoctrinated in him over time. "Mitch, he went to school with us too - and he also had a thing for your Mom. Mitch and your Mom started to date a little while after your Mom and I broke up for the last time. A couple of months into their relationship, they found out your Mom was expecting you. She was about half way through her pregnancy, so you had to be mine."
Jay listened to Butch speak with wide eyes, his bottom lip still stuck out, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Buttercup was watching Jay, feeling like her heart had been ripped out and thrown at her.
"So, so what happened after that? You knew I was Butch's kid - why have I never known?!" Jay questioned fiercely. "Why did I always think that Dad was my - that Mitch was my -"
"Because - because I was a total dickbag. I was young, and stupid and confused. Mitch had a job, money, the ability to put a roof over your head, and look after you better. And I - I didn't have the ability to do much of those things. He could offer both of you more than I could, at the time. So, your Mom and Mitch raised you together." Butch explained sadly, his voice sounding numb as he spoke. Jay had looked from Butch to his mother, his expression almost disgusted. "She was just trying to do what was best for you man. She was trying to protect you." Butch added.
"What do you mean protect me?" Jay asked, confused. "Protect me from what?!"
Buttercup covered her face in her hands, groaning lightly. This was far too much for an 8 year old to understand.
"From a shitty life, with parents who fought all the time. We weren't on good terms, me and your Ma. Kid, you should be angry with me. I may be your father, but I've never been your Dad - Mitch was your Dad. But your Mom? She's always been your Mom." Butch said gloomily.
Jay was even more confused now. Buttercup was touched by Butch's words.
"You both knew Butch was my Dad?" Jay asked. "All of my life?"
They nodded weakly.
"But what, you didn't want me?" Jay asked, turning to Butch now, his voice cracking as he asked.
Butch's eyes widened in horror. "No! Oh my god, no! It wasn't like that at all! I did want you - god I fucking wanted you, so much it hurt! But, but –" Butch hesitated, and Buttercup butted in.
"He wasn't allowed you. I stopped him being allowed to be involved with you." Buttercup mumbled, her voice wobbling. "And I was so wrong to do that."
Jay gave her an outraged look. "How could you take my Dad from me?! How could you just lie to me?! What is wrong with you Mom?!"
"I was just trying to protect you!" Buttercup defended weakly. "I just wanted to keep you safe and, and happy - it's all I've ever wanted! I didn't know what was best and I was also young, and confused and scared and I -"
"Protect me from what?! Protect me from my own Dad?! He's not exactly a monster!" Jay said, pointing to Butch. "This is why Dad has always been so weird about him isn't it! Why you used to tell me he wasn't really my uncle or a part of the family when I'd ask why he wasn't at a family thing, or why you got funny about me talking to him or playing with him. Dad - Mitch would say he wasn't even family anyway, but he is a part of the family! He's my freaking Dad!"
Butch looked hurt, and Buttercup felt worse than she did before. "I know. You're right, I know." She mumbled.
"This is so, so shit!" Jay yelled angrily. Neither Butch or Buttercup berated him; both completely agreed with him. "God Mom, you should be apologising to Butch as well as me - how could you not let him be around me when he's my actual Dad?! And you should be so pissed off with her!"
Buttercup didn't reply, but she looked guilty and suddenly couldn't meet Butch's eyes. Butch noticed. And as much as he hated her for the way she'd treated him over the course of his son's life, he couldn't actually hate her - because he loved her. But also because deep down he did believe she wasn't solely to blame. Mitch had played a big part in it all too. He knew how indebted to him Buttercup had forever been made to feel, and he knew that had affected a lot of decisions she had made or gone along with.
"Jay you can't just be mad at her. Like I said, be mad at me too. I could have, should have done more. I shouldn't have allowed things to go how they did. At the beginning I felt like Buttercup was right - I wasn't ready to be a Dad at 22. But, but who is ready for that at any age?! I would have stepped up. I should have stepped up anyway. But I didn't step up, I rolled over." Butch said, sounding extremely frustrated with himself. "I could have done more. I could have fought for you. I should have been pounding down their door every day to see you. But I didn't. I felt helpless so I just accepted that I couldn't do anything."
He was extremely frustrated with himself. And he had been for years. Yes, Buttercup hadn't allowed him to be around Jay, she'd even gone as far as to allow people to assume Mitch was Jay's Dad, but Butch hadn't exactly put up a fight for his son, not really.
He'd let it happen, for once in his life he'd acted as if he was powerless, when he wasn't, he'd had the right to be a father to his son all along. He just hadn't.
Buttercup basically ignoring the fact he was their child's father hurt him so much, he didn't know what to do - so he cowed. And it had taken him 8 years to realise he shouldn't have done that.
"All these years I didn't think there was anything I could do to have you in my life - except steal the little moments at family get togethers. But I should have done more. I should have fought for you, every day. I should have refused to take no for an answer. You're my kid, and I shouldn't have let anything get in the way of that. But, I did. When your Mom and Mitch said no, I backed off. But I shouldn't have done that. Which is why you can't just pin this on your Mom. It's all of our faults." Butch said, looking at his son sadly.
Buttercup was staring at him too, inwardly cursing herself for all of this. Cursing herself for being so closed off - and so deluded. If she hadn't been so uncommunicative, if she'd just opened her eyes a lot sooner to how fucked up everything really was and not just continued on in her ignorant bubble, maybe her and Butch could have sorted things sooner. Maybe things wouldn't have been as screwed up as they currently were.
Maybe they could have worked things out as a couple and raised their child together. Or even if they hadn't have been able to fix their relationship - Butch could have seen his son and had a proper relationship with him; they could have co-parented, like most normal people who had a child together but weren't in a relationship any longer did. But she took that away from him, she'd taken that away from them both. She'd also let Mitch implement a lot of it, when really, it had nothing to do with him.
Jay looked down at the ground, an angry but confused expression on his face. "I'm so angry! What the hell - this is so screwed up! You're such a liar!" His accusation was aimed at Buttercup, who was trying to keep it together, but finding it harder and harder the more she watched her young son try to process this.
"Jay I'm -"
"Sorry, whatever - that's probably a lie as well! You said it was a character from a TV show!" Jay yelped, and both Butch and Buttercup flashed him confused looks.
"What?" She asked, as he stomped towards her. He grabbed her t shirt and pulled it up, revealing the tattoo that rested on her hip: 'Butch' punctuated with a small black love heart.
"This! When I asked, you said it wasn't anything to do with him, it was a character from a TV show - another lie!" He barked, and Buttercup wilted.
"How the hell was I supposed to explain to you that we got drunk and got our names tattooed on each other when we were 20?!" Buttercup tried to defend just one of the poorer choices she'd made in her life during that time.
Butch looked like he was suppressing a smile at the memory. Jay turned and looked at Butch. "You have one too?"
He revealed an identical tattoo except with the word 'Buttercup' on his own hip.
"God, you two are so stupid!" Jay sat down at the breakfast bar, shaking his head. "And you messed up big time."
Buttercup and Butch looked to each other. He was right.
Buttercup slowly sat down too, lowering her head into her hands briefly. "I'm so sorry." She said, and Butch had to do a double take, as there was small, shiny tears scurrying down her cheeks. "I'm so fucking sorry. I'm the fucking worst person, parent, mother ever."
Jay and Butch looked horrified; Jay had never seen his mother cry, and Butch only a handful of times.
"I'm so, so sorry. This is all my fault. I'm so fucking sorry." She mumbled again through her tears, and Butch stood there, cemented in place, knowing she really, truly meant it.
Feeling that the two needed some time on their own, Butch had decided to head home - but only after he was certain Jay was okay and had calmed down. He was hopeful he'd hear from Buttercup soon. She'd promised to call him.
Buttercup and her son had sat in their living room, cartoons playing on the TV. Both were sat in front of it, but neither were actually taking it in.
Awkward silences had passed, where both Buttercup and Jay had thought of things they should say or ask - or even accuse, but neither had actually verbalised anything.
Glancing at the time and noticing it was just gone 7pm, Buttercup got to her feet. "What do you want for dinner?" She asked him.
He shrugged. "Nothing."
"You've got to eat something. You can have anything. Anything you want. If we don't have it I'll go get it." She said, and he shrugged once more, flicking the channel over onto a different cartoon.
"Nothing. Butch bought me a burger earlier." He muttered.
"Oh." Buttercup said, trying to think of a way to keep the conversation up. It may not have been the richest of conversations, but they were talking nonetheless. "But that was hours ago. You sure you don't want anything else?"
He considered this, his eyes still glued to the TV. "Curly fries. A whole load of curly fries."
Buttercup half smiled. "Okay. I can do that. Will oven cooked ones do or do you want me to go down to the burger joint?"
"Oven will do." Jay answered, not wanting his Mom to go out, even just for food. Although he was mad at her, at the same time he didn't want her to go. Butch's words kept going around in his head when his anger at her increased: 'Your Mom's always been your Mom'.
"Okay." Buttercup said, going through to the kitchen and turning the oven on, thanking herself for buying a bag of frozen curly fries when she'd bought groceries last week - last week which felt like a million years ago now.
Jay got up, switching off the TV and following her. He supposed it was now or never to ask her some questions.
"So, all this time, Butch was actually my Dad, but I just thought he was my sort-of-uncle?" He asked.
Buttercup sighed as she poured a mountain of frozen curly fries onto a baking tray. "Yeah. Pretty much. Although, he never really was your uncle. Boomer and Brick are your uncles - even if Butch wasn't your Dad, cos they're with my sisters. But, it just seemed easier "
"Were you ever going to tell me?" He asked, his voice soft.
She ran a hand through her thick black hair. "I don't know. Probably, yes, eventually. I don't know. I didn't think things would ever come to a head like they have, but I guess they were bound to one day. I thought you'd benefit more without him in your life. And, I don't want to pin stuff on him but, Mitch - he really didn't think having Butch in your life was a good idea. A lot of it was his idea and I just felt like I owed him so much I couldn't say no."
"But, but that's messed up." Jay muttered, and she nodded.
"It is. And I think I low key knew it was but, I kind of felt powerless to argue about it. I also didn't think Butch would care as much as he always did. Butch - we had a really turbulent relationship. We fought a lot. We split up a lot. I couldn't throw a baby into that mix. It wouldn't have been fair on you. I just wanted you to feel safe, and loved. I couldn't bear the thought of you having to deal with us being, well - us. I didn't know that you could be the one thing to straighten him out... When he did find out I was pregnant - he shit himself, just as I expected him to - because he could see I was too far gone for you to be Mitch's. And then I just didn't hear from him for ages. And you deserved so much better than that. You still do. I wanted to give you everything. You were my baby boy and I wanted to give you the world and make sure you had a nice, warm, safe place to grow up. Like what I had. I didn't think that that would happen with Butch."
"So you just ignored him?" Jay reiterated, and Buttercup nodded.
"Basically, yeah. Mitch and I have known each other since we were 5. I think he'd always had a bit of a crush on me, and it only got more severe when we got older. Especially when Butch and I started dating. Mitch and Butch were best friends at school - we all were. But when Butch and I started dating, their friendship started to go bust, particularly when we argued and would break up. When Butch and I broke up for the last time, Mitch finally admitted his feelings. And I decided to try and move on. We started dating, and a couple of months in I found out I was pregnant with you - four months pregnant with you. I knew Butch was your Dad, everyone must have assumed it. But he was nowhere to be seen. And Mitch stayed. He never made out like it was a problem. We got a place together and you've grown up happy and cared for like I wanted you to."
Jay smiled at his mother momentarily, but then that same confused expression graced his features.
"Jay, I know I was wrong to keep your Dad from you. I know it wasn't right - and I'll always be sorry for that. But it got to the point where I genuinely thought he didn't care. At the beginning of your life, I did not want him near you. He was never around. He left town while I was pregnant, and visited every now and then. He was gone for like a year, 18 months. None of us hardly ever heard from him." She began to explain, hating the confused pain evident in her sons deep green eyes.
"So, when I was a baby he like, never came to see me?" He questioned, and she shook her head.
"He visited, but not often. And he did come and meet you, when you were little. But, it was brief. In all honesty, I felt like he didn't deserve you." She could see him getting annoyed again so she continued to speak. "But then when he moved back to Townsville properly, he'd try. Not very hard but, in his own little ways he would try. Like he said earlier, he'd steal little moments with you. Try and be present in your life when he could. And Mitch, well he's always had the attitude of keeping you two apart for your own good but, I never restrained him. But, I'm not blaming him…" She stopped talking, feeling like she couldn't get what she was trying to say across without sounding like she was trying to pin everything on Butch, or Mitch.
"Do you love Dad? Mitch, I mean." Jay asked, his voice confused. "I heard him say to you that you never loved him, when you argued before he left."
Buttercup sighed deeply. "That isn't true. I did. I did have love for him. I did love him. It's complicated. I think I just loved what he could offer you. I loved that he wanted to offer you, and me all these things and look after us. I didn't have to beg or plead. He was there for us."
"Because Butch didn't look after us, or want to, and wasn't there for us." Jay said, and her lips formed a thin line.
"I think if I'd have let him he'd have done what he could. But, he was young, and scared shitless..." Buttercup did her best to defend him but it was difficult.
"Mom, why have you been with Dad so long if you don't have love for him anymore? With Mitch, I mean." Jay asked, puzzled.
"I did love him. Once. But I guess with all this resting on our shoulders it's taken a toll on that. Sometimes, things don't last, and they just fizzle out. Honey, this is a lot to take in for someone your age." Buttercup said, feeling like she was beginning to cross a line with how much she was divulging to him. But at the same time she didn't want to lie to him anymore.
"It's not my fault I'm having to be involved in it all, is it?" He answered, narrowing his eyes in irritation.
Buttercup's face was etched with guilt. "No, you're right."
"Ma, do you love Butch?" Jay asked quietly.
Buttercup didn't know what to say. She contemplated it for a moment. It had always been there. But she'd pushed it aside. Convinced herself it wasn't meant to be. Just old feelings that wouldn't go away. And it was even harder for them to go away when she looked at her son every day and could see Butch staring right back at her through him; he looked a lot like him.
There was something about him that she couldn't put her finger on. Something that made her feel… Whole. He understood her, he knew her.
Jay groaned loudly. "You do, don't you?"
Buttercup blinked, looking over at Jay who was leaning on the breakfast bar, his head down on the worktop.
"What? I didn't say anything! I mean - no!" Buttercup answered bluntly.
"You do." He muttered. "You'd have just said no straight away if you didn't."
"Jay stop it, I don't - I don't love him." She answered a little awkwardly. Talking relationships with her 8 year old son was just plain strange.
"You do. I'm 8, and I can see you do. Your face went all smushy and junk for a second - like it does when you've got a big steak in front of you for dinner." He mumbled.
Buttercup felt her cheeks redden a little. She straightened herself up, and fixed a flat frown onto her face as she approached the breakfast bar he was sitting at. "Well whatever - none of that matters anyway. What matters is you, and that you're okay."
He shrugged, his face a little resigned. "I'm okay. Confused as hell but, I'm okay. It's a lot to deal with, and it's not going to sink into my head overnight either. But, I'm fine."
"I get that, it's way too much for someone so little to have to even try to comprehend. And that's totally on me. Please just try to remember that all the crazy, and very stupid things I have done in the course of your life were all because I fucking love you so much and I was just trying to do what I thought was best. I get that a lot of it wasn't what was best and was actually really shit but, I tried - I just love you so much and wanted you to be happy. And I hope you still can be happy." Buttercup told him, leaning on the bar he was sat at and being completely open with him.
Jay smiled at his mother. "I love you too. And I'm okay. Jeez Ma, cut me some slack, I'm tougher than you think."
She smiled warmly at him, and planted a kiss on his cheek, which he swiftly wiped off.
r&r (: