My Gawd, I am EVIL. The beginning was way too much fun, and I'm sure you can all guess why. And I somehow managed to figure out how to put up the poll for the Guard Seduction scene in my profile. There's plenty of time and plot left before we get there, but no reason not to start voting now.

Rhino600: Yuri + Raven – Y chromosomes = Letha? I find I can't really argue that...or don't really want to.

Song for this chapter (or at least the second half) is Fall Out Boy - "Thanks for the Memories" because I saw a cool tribute to Raven/Schwann with that song on youtube. Title for this chapter is stupid, but it works.

x x x

Chapter 20: Quoth the Raven!

x x x

The guests in the inn (and the neighbors) were woken up the next morning by two ear splitting shrieks. Anyone who tried to roll over and go back to sleep (not many of those) was woken again by the furious, "I'M GONNA KILL YOU JERKS!"

Yuri and I looked up from our breakfasts towards the ceiling (we'd gotten up early to make sure the sauce would be fresh and realistic looking when we put it on) and then looked at each other.

"You're sure she won't actually kill us, right?" I never would have dared to play such a trick on Rita if I didn't have a partner in crime who doubled as a bodyguard. Plus we'd run into a few curious guild members who had loaned us their flare capes the night before.

"You could always start running now. Might even still have enough time to get out of range."

I looked at him, "What about you? Saying I should leave you behind to face the music alone?"

"Meh, running would be too much of a hassle." By then the point was moot. There was the crashing of running footsteps down the stairs, and the apoplectic mage appeared in the kitchen.

"YOU!" She threw fireballs at us, and I huddled under my cape. I peeked out when the overwhelming heat went away, and got a face full of water. When I finally finished coughing and wiping the dripping water out of my eyes, I saw Yuri had also been drenched, sopping wet bangs plastered flat over his eyes.

"Shit, not again..." I groaned.

"It's only what you deserve, both of you!" Estelle scolded us from the doorway. She had her arm around Karol's shoulders, and he looked quite pale and jumpy.

"C-cats...cats with blood..." When the little ace saw us, he seemed to snap out of it a bit, "You guys SUCK!"

"You idiots! How can you call yourselves adults! I can't believe you-you both just-" Rita's ranting degenerated into inarticulate shrieks of rage with the occasional recognizable word. She finally stopped and stood in front of us, shoulders rising up and down as she breathed heavily and glared.

"Hey guys," Yuri deadpanned, "We made breakfast." I dropped the fistful of hair I'd been squeezing water from to point at the plates of French toast, eggs, and bacon (fortunately tucked in a corner out of the predicted crossfire). Repede was eating the failed pieces of toast (my first time making it!) under the table.

The others accepted our prearranged peace offering, though Rita did so grudgingly, and sat down to eat. But it wasn't long before the inn keeper came in red faced. "Honored guests, can you please tell me why there are pictures of cats smeared with our house sauce on the walls? And WHY there is a DEAD MONSTER in the upstairs hallway?"

"Don't worry, we put old rags under it so the blood wouldn't get on the carpet," Yuri told him. I finally couldn't keep it in anymore and collapsed on the table, sobbing with laughter.

"I can't believe you let Yuri talk you into this, Letha," Estelle chided me.

"Hey, don't just assume it was me!" The others looked at him, "It was all her idea! Even the monster and covering the floor!" I grinned happily through tears of laughter.

x x x

The night before:

I just smiled and held up the sauce bottle. The sauce was thick and a good shade of red. "I'm a terrible person." Then I paused as a new thought occurred to me. Twisting around in my seat I called for Yuri to come back.

When he did I grabbed his hand and pulled him down closer so I could whisper in his ear, "Yo, there should be a lot of dead monsters still lying around from earlier, right?"

He looked at me incredulously, then his expression turned speculative. "You know, it wouldn't hurt to check."

"Just what are you guys up to?" Chase demanded, fed up with being left out.

I glanced back at him, then returned my attention to Yuri. "You know, it would be easier to carry if we had another person."

"Hmm, I suppose it would." We both turned to stare at Chase.

"Wh-what?"

Several hours later, when it was late and most people had gone back to bed, the three of us were back out on the streets of Dahngrest.

"I can't believe you guys talked me into playing undertaker! If my father only knew..."

"You gonna get in trouble with him?" Yuri grunted a bit under the weight.

"Heck, no! He'll probably bring the roof down laughing so hard! But he'd make me tell the story every time I saw him or we had company!"

"Sounds like Arcas all right," I muttered, trying to adjust my grip and use the Aikido unbendable arm to ease the stress. With limited success.

"Just what are y'all doing carryin' a dead monster in the middle of the night for?" Some guildsmen who were probably on patrol (for troublemakers or maybe even surviving monsters still inside the barrier) stopped our slow progress to question us.

"Well you see sir," I explained politely and respectfully, "we have some friends in the inn who were scared by a story I told them recently. And we got to thinking, 'gee, wouldn't it be a lark to recreate the story as a prank to scare them with'. So of course we needed to come out and find a dead monster, or else it just wouldn't be the same." Someone in the back of the patrol barked a laugh.

"Oh man, dad is gonna hear about this and he'll never shut up about it."

"Hey, stop complaining. You wanted to know what we were doing."

"Yeah, and as long as we don't tell our friends, you won't have to worry about Rita...oh crap." The men all looked at me, thinking that maybe the lizard monster was too much for me even with their help (I'm not that weak!). "Rita is totally gonna start throwing fireballs at us."

"Yeah, she probably will."

"One of your friends is a mage, huh?"

I nodded, "A mage with a short fuse and penchant for fire magic."

"Better borrow these then," two of the patrol men removed their bright red capes and draped them over the monster's carcass (conveniently also making it less noticeable, I should have thought of that). "Flare capes, reduce the effects of enemy fire magic. We'll come pick 'em up in the morning, you can leave them with the front desk for us."

"Thanks a bunch! Now we don't have to worry about early graves!" I beamed at them, and our awkward trio resumed its shuffling march back to the inn.

"I'm still not gonna leave my room til after the fireworks end."

:End flashback.

x x x

Needless to say, Yuri and I were banned from Arcturus Inn indefinitely. Being victims, the rest of the group were still allowed, but I was sure they'd probably be kept under a stern eye if they tried to spend the night.

Some of the guests looked completely scandalized, or even refused to come out of their rooms until after the mess was cleaned up (Yuri and I had to clean it, good thing I'd insisted on keeping the monster carcass on an old blanket for easy clean up). There were definitely guests who'd started laughing at the whole thing once they got over their shock though. A few were probably members from the patrol last night who'd come to see the fun for themselves. We left the flare capes with the receptionist for them to claim once the fuss died down.

Chase did not show his face all morning. It wasn't possible for him to have missed what was going on, so he was definitely hiding from Rita and the inn staff. So far, no one knew there'd been a third person in on the prank, but once the men from the patrol started talking about it he'd have to hope none of them saw him well enough to recognize him.

Since the staff wouldn't let us go until Yuri and I finished straightening up our mess, we left later in the morning than we'd been planning to. I couldn't help yawing as we left town. After all, I'd been up late lugging around dead monsters, then got up early to paint cat mouths with sauce and help cook breakfast. It's not fair, Yuri doesn't seem to be having trouble from lack of sleep. There aren't even bags under his eyes! I yawned again.

Gradually the trees and plants around us had been getting bigger, until they looked like giants taken out of a dinosaur age movie. I looked around with a growing sense of excitement. Ohmehgawd, awesomeness! Having been a die hard fan of fantasy since I was a little child, it had always been a dream of mine to see such a wild place without signs of human influence.

But as we got deeper into the forest, the trees continued to increase in ridiculous size. My inner child's delight withered and became more practical concern. For them to have grown so abnormally large...they probably can't even support their own weight anymore and eventually come crashing down. All because of the Aer Krene, and the unbalanced production of aer. I glanced surreptitiously at Estelle, who was turning a slow circle while looking up at the treetops.

"I had no idea trees this big existed..."

"Yeah, but it doesn't exactly look healthy for them to be this overgrown." Yuri looked around with an eye even more practical than mine.

"It's just like you said, Karol." Rita was fingering the leaves of one bush, turning it over and checking the stem. "It's like what happened at Heliord when the blastia went berserk." The bush began rustling a bit and Rita jumped back in surprise.

"Be careful... There's somebody here." Karol had his ax out and he looked as if he would even manage to stand his ground. Rita braced herself, ready to gather the aer needed for a fireball at a moment's notice.

"Hey, what a coincidence!" Yaaay! The canon comic relief has finally arrived! Raven picked his way out of the small game trail behind the bush and then flashed his crooked grin at us.

"What the hell are you doing in a place like this?" Yuri asked with disbelief in his voice. Are you wondering if Raven is stalking us? He kinda is...

The older man tilted his head with a halfhearted shrug. "Ya know, out for a forest stroll, takin' in the nature..."

"Something smells fishy..." Karol said in a stage whisper. I mimed gagging a bit and covered my mouth and nose.

"No, Karol, don't say that! It's already hard enough not to get sick from thinking about how fishy this is!" Everyone was probably having mental flashbacks to the episode with the Wonder Chef trying to rehabilitate me to seafood.

"What? Where's my welcome?" Raven whined, oblivious to the full meaning of my jab.

"You didn't think we'd honestly be glad to see you, right?" I am, Rita. Raven is awesomeness in a purple coat.

"Aw, ya don't mean that. I can come in handy ya know."

"...You're not thinking of coming with us, right?" Karol warily asked.

"Of course! It's lonely bein' out here all by my lonesome." His obviously dramatic tone made his plea very unconvincing. "What, no dice?" Raven shifted his feet and crossed his arms behind his head. He looked so careless, but he'd probably follow us in secret if we actually did turn him away.

"You'd better watch your back. If you try anything funny, you're dead." Rita spun and stalked off deeper into the trees.

Raven watched her go and then gave us what was probably supposed to be puppy dog eyes. "Hey, ya don't really think my story stinks that bad, do ya?"

"Yeah, the stench is sort of coming off of you in waves," Yuri grimaced, and I kept my hand clamped over my nose. In my case, however, I was trying to hide my wide grin.

"Really...!" Raven began sniffing exaggeratedly at his arm pits. ...I found where I differ from his brand of silliness. He's cruder.

"I can't take responsibility for what I'll do if you make any sudden moves," Yuri warned him. "Don't forget that." That's the casual but deadly serious voice, Raven. LISTEN to the man! Without waiting for a response the swordsman turned and followed Rita. Raven spread his arms in a "what can ya do?" manner and fell into step behind the group.

What with all the others wanting to avoid the blatantly suspicious man, I found that I was the one walking nearest to him. As much as I'd been looking forward to actually meeting him, I still felt a bit awkward around him. No, it wasn't anything like a fangirl meeting her crush type of awkward, but a "how do I act like I don't know anything?" type.

In the end he broke the ice and greeted me first, "Hey there, I don't remember seein' ya with these guys before, and I never forget a pretty girl's face." Gyah! Blush! I am not used to anyone calling me cute or pretty. Only my parents ever did, and that's not the same thing.

"Eh, um, you must have last seen them when I was out on one of my own walks," I stammered. "My name's Letha." I might have imagined it, but I thought something flickered in his eyes at my name. Well, given that he worked for Alexei there was the possibility that the commandant had given Raven orders to watch me.

He fell back on his melodramatic speech, "Ah, such a lovely name fer such a lovely maiden!"

"...Hearing you say that makes me feel like I should punch you." I may have low tolerance for being called pretty, but it's not like I could ever take RAVEN'S flirting seriously.

"How cold..."

x x x

Really, Really Fishy

Rita: I know there's not much point in bringing it up again, but this guy's really fishy.

Karol: Yeah, how long's he planning to stick with us, anyway?

Estelle: Does he even have a good reason for being in Keiv Moc?

Yuri: You heard 'em, old man. Spit it out.

Raven: Huh? I'm gonna stick with ya guys as long as need be. And as fer my reasons, I thought I told ya—I'm on a mission of self-discovery!

Rita: You said you were "out for a forest stroll!" "Takin' in the nature!"

Raven: Oh, I did?

Yuri: If I had a memory that bad, I'd want to find myself, too.

Raven: There you go!

Letha: Maybe he's one of Yuri's stalker fanboys.

Yuri: Oh, hell no!

Raven: Why would I wanna stalk a guy? I'd rather follow a gorgeous babe around!

Rita: You shouldn't say that so proudly, old man.

Karol: Really fishy. Really really really fishy.

Well Known Old Man

Letha: Hey, Raven...

Raven: Yes fair maiden? Wait, I thought ya weren't there when ol' Raven introduced himself.

Letha: Ah? O-oh, I heard one of the others call you that...

Raven: My reputation precedes me! The ladies are all talking about Raven the Great!

Letha: Yeah...don't be so happy. I only heard bad things about you being an old weirdo.

Raven: You're breakin' my heart!

Letha: Meh, probably not the first one to. Though that reminds me, I wanted to say thanks for indirectly helping me in Nor Harbor. So thanks old man!

*Letha leaves*

Raven: I'm such a stud! What'd I do?

x x x

Keiv Moc was full of giant bugs. UUUGH. There were the flying beetles that attacked in Dahngrest, and a bunch of praying mantises...praying manti...I have no idea how you make that plural. It's moose all over again! I slashed at a mantis with my dao, finding the range it provided preferable to using my considerably shorter daggers to take on a bug with its own swords.

Sometimes I would turn around and almost trip over Karol. He was hiding behind everyone, though mostly me and Estelle. Yuri was too fast for him to keep up with, Rita kept smacking him in the head when she spooked about him suddenly being behind her, and the little boy didn't trust Raven enough. And of course he tried to act as if he wasn't purposefully avoiding the bugs. I didn't have the heart to chase him off. Heck, back in Dahngrest I'd actually made up excuses to turn down the dead bugs as props in our prank because even I'm not that cruel. Yuri probably assumed I was scared of them myself.

As I'd been thinking earlier, some of the largest trees had indeed fallen down. Climbing over them all the time would have been a real pain, if not nearly impossible, so we actually started walking along the trunks and branches like they were a series of boardwalks.

Raven had fallen to the back of the group as we picked our way over the moss covered trunk (slippery!). The others kept looking back at him, and you could almost hear them wondering "why the hell is he still following us?"

Finally Raven stopped and waved his hand in a negligent manner, "Aww, don't mind me. Do whatever you came to do."

The princess looked back uncertainly. "What should we do about him?"

"Do you know any tricks that'll convince us you're worth keeping around?" Yuri called back to him.

"Do I look like some kinda street magician ta you?" Raven griped and rubbed his head.

"...Honestly, yes. I think it's the long purple jacket that does it." I looked him over and tried to imagine a top hat with a rabbit. Doesn't work. Imagined a beautiful assistant in costume bringing in props. Can see that...

Raven had pulled Karol off to the side to help him demonstrate. Poor Karol wailed as a bug surged up from under the tree and attacked him. Yuri and Estelle moved as if to jump forward and help him, but Raven waved them back. As the boy waved his ax around in desperate "don't come any closer" attacks, Raven shot an arrow over his head that lodged into its exoskeletal armor.

Putting his bow away, Raven casually stood by to watch. "Should be any minute now..." Now Yuri was too curious to try and interrupt, and Estelle followed his lead. Me? I was trying to do a mental countdown. Three...two...one...one half...a third... The bug exploded internally, in a shower of chitin (word for the stuff exoskeletons are made of) and bug juice. Ewww...

"It exploded from the inside!" Rita exclaimed in shock.

"What did you do?" Estelle looked to Raven with wide eyes.

Raven showed her a crooked grin. "Ya just wait for 'em to let their guard down, give 'em a little poke and then...bam!"

Since I was conveniently standing off to the side and a little behind the archer, I indulged in a sudden impulse. "Poke." I jabbed him lightly with a forefinger, and he actually jumped a bit. "You're guard was down, are you gonna go 'bam'?"

"Hey! Only I'm s'possed to do that!" he protested. "And no, I won't go bam! Not from just a poke." Ah, perverted innuendo joke, he recovers well from surprise.

"Jeez... I bet you're great at parties," Rita said sarcastically.

Estelle smiled sweetly, "I suppose that was good enough."

Yuri had been watching this quietly, and with a slightly delayed response he asked her, "Really?"

"Yes," she told the skeptical swordsman. One of those, 'yes dear, just do what I say' kind of exchanges.

"All right..." Yuri shrugged and let the decision go without further argument.

"Hey, ya mean I passed? I can stay?"

"A-are you kidding...?" Karol asked in dismay, wiping bits of bug chitin and juice off his arms and weapon...

"It'll be much easier to do things to him if we keep him nearby," Yuri directed this at the newly traumatized boy, but it was for all our benefit.

"Huh, sounds like what you said when I first joined," I mused. "Though 'things' has an ominous sound to it.

"Yeah, whaddya mean 'things'...?" Raven looked kinda twitchy.

"...Hadn't thought about that." Now that she was thinking about it, a twisted and evil smile slowly spread across Rita's face.

"Okay, I just got a little chill up my spine."

Estelle bowed to him. "Well then, Mr. Raven, after you."

"Heh...right," he tried to sound unconcerned.

"Yes, walk in front where you can't see what we're doing!" I told him, and grinned at the unhappy look he gave me.

We didn't get far before the next recognizable game event occurred."Karol, what are you doing? Let's hurry up and go." Yuri gave Karol a little nudge to the back of his shoulder to keep him from completely stopping.

"Y-yeah.." Karol started edging forward again. Rita made a small, "I see what's going on" kind of noise as she watched him. A flying beetle swooped down out of nowhere, flying past Karol with a buzzing noise like a lawn mower's engine. "Waaaaaaaaahhhhh...!" The boy freaked and began flailing his ax. Yeesh, is this why he's strong enough to use that? Used to chasing off bugs with oversized fly swatters? "Get away! Don't touch me! Stay back!"

"Karol, Karol, it's okay!" Estelle tried to calm him. "It already flew away."

"...Huh?" Karol blinked and saw us all watching his little freak out. He nervously tried to laugh it off, "It did... Alright, let's keep moving." He tried to pump his hand up enthusiastically, and began edging forward a little faster than before. Still pretty slow going, though.

"...Captain Karol seems a little different than usual, doesn't he?"

Rita shrugged. "You think? He seems like his usual spaced out kid self to me."

"No, something's different about him. The Karol I knew before would've been peeing his pants or running for his life if something like that happened." Unflattering, but an accurate assessment. But he's getting a little better, and I don't think he ever really wet his pants.

"Oh...now that you mention it, I think you're right."

We started walking again, and Raven cupped his hands and yelled, "Wah! Bugs, a giant swarm of them! Watch out!"

"Waah! Stay away, stay away, stay away...!" Karol flailed his makeshift fly swatter around, chanting his little mantra, and Rita made a disgusted noise. She grabbed something from her bag that looked like an aerosol can and sprayed it right in Raven's face.

"Blech! Hey! Wh-wh-what did you do that for... Agh, my eyes..."

"I was just giving you a little something to keep away the giant swarms of bugs!" she told him innocently. Heheh, I love this moment where she actually gets revenge on someone for picking on Karol. She likes him, or at least more than she likes Raven right now.

Hearing the suspiciously well meaning tone of Rita's voice apparently tipped Karol off to what had really happened. He opened his eyes (apparently part of the flailing maneuver is to screw them shut tightly) and pouted back at the older man. "Ah, I don't believe it..."

Raven was still coughing, and I wasn't sure if he was overdoing it on purpose or the stuff Rita had used was really that strong. "...I thought I was gonna die!"

"Karol..." Estelle had a dawning expression of understanding and sympathy. "You're really afraid of bugs, aren't you?"

"Wh-who, me? N-not at all...!"

Rita kindly told him, "It's okay, Karol. You don't have to pretend." Woah, this is Twilight Zone weird. Rita being nice to Karol... "Here, take this Aspio-brand insect spray, the best to keep the bugs away!"

"Oh, uh...y-you don't mind...?" Karol was probably equally as frightened of this nice Rita as of the bugs...

"Not at all. Just make sure not to spray it near any people. It can sting!" Innocent tone, and she didn't even look back at Raven (who was still wiping at his face with his sleeves).

"So I'm not a person anymore, am I..." he slumped dramatically. "Yeesh..."

"You kinda deserved it, it's not cool to make fun of phobias like that," I told him. Never mind the fact that Yuri and I had pulled that prank last night, that was different... Everyone else ignored him as we went on our way again, Karol clutching the bug spray like a life line.

x x x

Scary Things

Rita: Wow, Karol, when you freak out, you really freak out!

Karol: Come on, everyone has a few things they're afraid of, don't they?

Rita: Not me.

Raven: Now, now, genius mage, it's not nice to lie. Even ol' Raven's got his own fears.

Yuri: What are you afraid of, old man?

Raven: I'm afraid of pretty girls!

Karol: What?

Yuri: Yeah, yeah... Rita, it's better to come clean. That way we can help you out.

Rita: Like anyone needs your help! I can take care of myself just fine!

Raven: Her type always has some of the worst fears...

Rita: Yeah, whatever.

Letha: With this group, I don't blame her for not telling.

Rita: Of course I wouldn't tell with that stunt you guys pulled last night!

x x x

We'd been fighting another group of mantises and beetles, everyone doing their own thing with Karol now running around spraying the bug spray at anything that got too close. I wasn't having fun, it felt like I was getting slashed to ribbons by the mantises and the drying bug...juice that got under my sleeves were making me itchy.

Ick, ick, ick... I cleaned my dao with a rag before putting it away. You know, I wonder why we're only finding two types of giant bugs. If everything in the forest is being affected by the Aer Krene, shouldn't all the bugs be giant? Hearing a noise behind me, I took the dao out again and turned around. Behind me was one of my worst nightmares.

"Ho SNAP!" I blew past the others, running like a demon was behind me. "SOMEONE KILL IT!" Chasing close on my heels was a giant centipede the size of a dog and very much longer. "Kill it kill it kill it!"

Centipedes are fast little evil hell spawns. It took the others a few tries to actually hit the damned thing, and they only managed once one of Raven's arrows hit it. Once they'd managed to kill it they went to check up on me. I was panting and rubbing tears and sweat out of my face, but I didn't dare sit down to rest for fear that another would come.

"That was...unexpected," Yuri commented.

"Letha, you're afraid of bugs too?" Estelle asked with concern.

Rita rolled her eyes, "I don't have enough insect sprays for both of you."

"N-no, just centipedes, just centipedes..." I shivered and looked around wildly. "Spiders are bad too, but centipedes are much worse." I fixed them all with a wild eye. "As much as I love a good joke, if any of you tries to pull something on me that involves centipedes, I will hold a banquet with your eyeballs as the appetizers. And blood for wine. I'll need to think about the rest of the menu." Shuddering once more, I finally got myself under enough control to start walking normally again.

Behind me I heard Raven asking, "She's kinda scary. Was that normal?"

And Yuri, "I'm starting to wonder..."

x x x

Really, a larger variety of giant bugs would make sense. And there's bound to be...shit...almost had nightmares when I thought about that last night.

And a reminder, poll in my profile, start voting on who should try to seduce the Heliord guard!