Unlikely, I'm Tarzan, I'm Sorry & Kyle Matures

Next Day – Hospital Scott's & Spike's Room – 3:00 pm

Spike was antsy. Sam had not come to visit and he had not answered his phone at all today. Both he and Scott tried to call him many times but it always went to voice mail.

Kyle had stopped by first thing this morning and told them what happened last night with Sam and Dr. Vanessa Chardin. Spike knew that Sam had to be impacted by that. So did Scott. Heck the whole family knew it.

But Spike didn't think that Sam would shut him out. Or Scott for that matter. But that is just exactly what Sam had done by not answering their calls.

Spike wanted out of here so badly so that he could go to Sam. He knew that Sam's family was there with him. But … that didn't stop Spike from feeling like he needed to be there for Sam.

He knew something that probably no one else knew about Sam. Sure they all knew that he had been hurt and suffered a lot growing up thinking he was responsible for Sara's death. Yes they all knew he was deeply hurt by killing Matt. And of course they all know he had been captured and tortured while in JTF2. Ed knew the most about that seeing that he was the only one of the team that could stick it out as Sam relayed all that hurt.

But he was the only one in the truck and could see Sam's eyes when he opened up the wounds to connect with those men in the bank. Spike saw the bleakness and utter devastation in Sam's eyes. And he saw pain that was incomprehensible to Spike.

For a moment Spike was sure that he had seen Sam's soul through his eyes. What he saw scared him. Sam's soul was in tatters and darkness was edging towards it. Spike clearly saw that Sam was vulnerable. He wondered just how many horrible things Sam had experienced, beyond the previous and the damned corn field.

Spike also wondered if the next horrible thing would destroy his soul altogether or turn it dark. Spike had been raised in the Catholic religion and he fully believed in evil. He saw it many times on the job over the years. But what he was not too sure about was what exactly turned a man to evil. All souls start out pure and in the light.

Was it things like what Sam experienced? Could a man experience so much hurt in his life that the darkness took hold? Yeah, yeah they could. Spike had seen that too on the job. He'd seen normal, good people driven to do inconceivable harm to others.

A good example of that was SIU agent Richard Donner. Seeing his father commit suicide in front of him at thirteen had twisted his mind. When looking at Donner's life as a whole, he was not a bad person. But his actions towards and against Sam were disgusting and hurtful.

Spike pondered why Donner would go down such a destructive path while Sam was able to remain on a good path. Both had experienced horrific loss in front of their eyes at a young age. Why did one go dark and the other stay light? Maybe it was a guardian angel. Spike recalled nuns always reminding him that guardian angels were there to guide and protect us.

He briefly thought that if that were the case, that Sam must have a whole flock of guardian angels with all the shit he had gone through in his life. Or he burned them out on a regular basis. Could one guardian angel keep up with all the trials Sam was presented with in life?

"Unlikely" Spike whispered.

Spike sighed as his mind turned back to solely Sam. Guardian angels or not, Spike worried for Sam. He worried that darkness could overtake his soul.

Sam was vulnerable. Spike had seen it in Sam's eyes. It was one reason he had made that vow to Sam on the bank floor. Spike would always hold tight and never let go. Spike believed in the beauty of life that Sam spoke about. He would never let Sam fall into darkness.

But to do that, he had to be able to be near Sam or at least talk to him. Sam not answering his phone was scaring the crap out of him.

Scott had been lost in his thoughts about Sam when he heard Spike utter 'unlikely'. It pulled him out and he turned to Spike and asked "What's unlikely?"

Spike's internal musing ceased at Scott's question and he turned to Scott "What?"

"You said unlikely. What is unlikely?" Scott clarified.

Spike found himself with a small grin on his face. "I was just thinking about Sam. I'm worried about him. He has had so many bad things happen to him but he remains a good man. I thought that it must take a whole flock of guardian angels to keep him safe with all the risks he takes. I thought it was unlikely that just one guardian angel could manage Sam."

Scott grinned then he chuckled "Yeah Sam would be a challenge for a guardian angel. That's for sure. Even from a young age. I swear Sam scared his mom and dad half to death with some of the stunts he pulled when he was little."

"Yeah like what? Do tell" Spike said eagerly hoping to get some juicy tidbits he could tease Sam with. He could use them to make Sam laugh. He could always make Sam laugh and laughter could help save his soul from darkness.

Scott leaned back, "Well there was this one time. Sam was seven I think. I just got to their house to watch Sam, Sara and Natalie so their parents could go to some fancy dinner party. Uncle Will said Sam was in the backyard and I went to call him in. When Sam didn't respond to my calls, Uncle Will came out."

"Apparently, Sam got this bright idea that he was Tarzan. He had tied a rope really high up on a tree branch. Then he climbed up a bit more and was ready to jump off when he heard his dad call for him. Uncle Will can bellow really loud. Just before he jumped Sam yelled back "I'm Tarzan watch me swing between trees."

Scott shook his head "Christ, I never saw Uncle Will run faster in my life. Sam was mid swing with the knot he tied came loose and Sam was falling and crashing through the trees as he went. Sam would have surely broken his neck but Uncle Will ended up catching him. But my uncle ripped his dress uniform and it was filthy from landing on the muddy ground as he rolled tucking Sam close to his body to protect him."

Spike's eyes were wide "Wow. It was a good thing his dad came outside. I bet Sam got a lecture for that."

Sobering Scott said "Yeah he did. That was no fun to see. Uncle Will marched Sam into the house and stood him in a corner of the living room. He dressed him down very harshly. Read him the riot act for a good ten minutes. Uncle Will told Sam he was the man of the house when he was gone and that Sam should act more responsible. That Sam could not take care of his mother and sisters if he did not start thinking before acting."

"Sam just stood there at attention. He did not cry or anything. He only answered 'Yes Sir' and 'It won't happen again Sir'. My uncle made Sam stand at attention until he returned from showering and changing into a clean uniform. Then he dressed Sam down more telling him that his actions caused his mother to be worried for him. Sam's lip quivered at that but he never moved or let any tears fall. He just stood ram-rod straight and rigid."

Scott sighed "As a punishment Sam was ordered not to speak to anyone. He was to stand in that corner at parade rest until bedtime, which was about an hour or so away, thinking over how his action could have caused others harm. Uncle Will also told Sam that he would go without dinner that night."

"I remember Aunt Yvonne coming into the kitchen and asking what happened. She had been changing Natalie upstairs. Aunt Yvonne argued with Uncle Will in the kitchen before they left saying that the punishment was too harsh. She said that Sam was just a little boy and the fall probably scared him and that the lecture was enough of a punishment. My aunt wanted Sam to eat dinner and be sent to bed early instead."

"Uncle Will had responded that Sam had to learn to be responsible and going without dinner one night never killed anyone. That feeling a little hungry would remind him of the pain he could cause others by rash actions. That Sam needed to learn to think before he acted."

"I could see that Aunt Yvonne was not too happy when Uncle Will put his put down and said that Sam needed to learn discipline early on because as a soldier that would need to be ingrained. That one day that discipline could be the difference between life and death for Sam. Uncle Will won the argument and they left for the dinner party."

"After they left, I fed Sara and Natalie. Then I brought them into the living room so Sam would not be all alone standing there. I was surprised that Sam stayed there and didn't say a single word even though Sara pestered him to no end. Sara even tried to give him a cookie but Sam refused to take it."

"At bedtime Sam marched himself to his bedroom. I went to check on him and saw him changing into his pajamas. It shocked the hell out of me. Sam had a huge bruise across his chest. The best I could figure he must have struck a branch on his way down."

Scott's eyes flared with anger "I was so pissed off at Uncle Will that night. He had never bothered to check to see if Sam was okay. I called Mom when Sam would not speak to me. He was following his dad's orders not to talk."

"When Mom got there she took one look at Sam and then whisked him out of the house to take him to the base urgent care. I heard her on the phone with Aunt Yvonne as she exited the house. Mom was pissed at Uncle Will too."

"Uncle Will and Aunt Yvonne brought Sam home several hours later. My mom came with them. She told me that Sam cracked a rib as she prepared Sam a small dinner while Aunt Yvonne tucked Sam into bed."

A smug smile crossed his face "Uncle Will was in the dog house for a very long time."

"I even heard my dad yell at him when Uncle Will came over to stay at our house that night because Aunt Yvonne was so angry at him. I never heard my dad that angry before nor speaking to any of his brothers the way he spoke, I mean yelled, at Uncle Will. I learned a few new curse words that night. It was a bit scary; almost thought they would come to blows."

"Wow, just wow" Spike said stunned.

Spike thought that there wasn't anything in that story to tease Sam about. Shades of hearing his own father yell at him about taking responsibility made Spike shiver slightly. He wondered if he and his father would ever see eye to eye on SRU. Probably not Spike surmised. His father was too stubborn and set in his ways.

Scott realized too late that, that story put a damper on Spike seeing the faraway look in Spike's eyes.

So he grinned and said "Uncle Will learned his lesson to check Sam out for injuries before he dressed him down. There is nothing quite as bad as getting on the bad side of a Braddock female. And Uncle Will got it from every last one of them. Even Vicky and Amelia glared at Uncle Will for over a month as they fawned over Sam."

Spike grinned "Then I expect you're gonna be in for a dose of glaring for lying to Laura about your condition."

Scott groaned "Don't remind me."

Erik had been standing in the door way listening for quite some time. He recalled nearly striking Will that night. He was so damned angry with his older brother that night. But the real pain he saw in Will's eyes stopped him.

William had been beside himself that he could have treated Sam so carelessly. Will had admitted to him that his fear and adrenaline had given way to anger. William had done exactly what he had accused Sam of doing, acting rashly without thinking about the harm he could cause others. Namely his son.

Erik wished that incident would have opened Will's eyes that the way he was raising Sam was wrong. But his older brother could be so damned stubborn. He continued to deal with Sam strictly, more like a commanding officer than father. Erik wondered how Sam's life might be different if he had been raised like the rest of the Braddock boys.

He put that aside, there was nothing he could do to change the past. But he could help with the future. Moving into the room Erik said "I've spoken at length with Dr. Parker."

Scott and Spike both turned to the door at Erik's statement. Scott asked his dad "About what?"

"About springing you two from the hospital today. We worked things out. Jeff and Kyle will be here shortly to help me get you two home" Erik stated as he moved between the beds.

He continued "Spike, we have arranged for a nurse to come to the house to manage your care."

Spike's mouth dropped open "You did?"

Nodding Erik said "Yes. Will and I spoke today. We are both very concerned for Sam and we believe that he will do better with you two there with him. But we will not put your health at risk Spike; thus the need for the nurse."

Scott said "Finding out about Matt's half-sister must have thrown Sam for a loop. Has he spoken to anyone? He has not answered any of Spike's or my calls."

Erik's eyes were sad as he answered "No he has not spoken a word. He has complied with medical things but he refuses to talk to anyone."

Then he shared "You both need to know that I spoke at length with Vanessa last night. She was in a state of shock over the news. I'm not quite certain how she will react once she processes what she heard. I was quite open with her. Matt was her half-brother after all. I explained how important Matt was to Sam and what it did to him afterwards. How it still affects him."

Spike and Scott nodded. There wasn't much to say.

But Scott looked at his dad and said "Thanks for arranging it so we can be there for Sam."

Erik clasped his son's shoulder "Son that is what we do. We take care of our own. Always have and always will." Turning to Spike Erik added "That includes you to Spike. You became our family the moment Sam claimed you as family."

Spike blinked. Sam claimed him as family. Yeah, yeah he did and Spike claimed Sam as family too. All of Team One was his family.

He had a thought "Hey, I need to contact the Boss. I need him to send Beauty. Sam might need it. I left it in my tech room at the barn. I need your address so I can get him to send it overnight."

Erik grinned. Beauty was well known to everyone in the family. Matt's solution to help Sam cope was pure genius. Will really had changed after the Tarzan incident in relation to Sam's health and well-being. Too bad it took Sara's death to make William realize the rest of his behavior had to change too. And doubly bad that the damage to their relationship had already been done.

But there was hope as Yvonne and Ann constantly said. Sam's and Will's relationship was slowly but surely improving. Given enough time the two of them should be able to create a strong father/son bond again.

Erik wrote down Scott's address as Spike made his call. Jeff and Kyle arrived and within forty minutes they were all headed to Scott's home.

Twelve Hours Later – Scott's & Laura's Home – 3:00 am

Soft moans, whimpers and a thrashing sound woke Spike and Scott. Both flicked on dim lamps that had been setup next to their beds. They turned and looked to the bed between them. The sounds were coming from Sam who was also sweating profusely and thrashing about on the bed.

They both said "Nightmare" at the same time.

Not wanting to wake Kyle and Jeff if he could help it, Scott called out softly "Sam wake up. Sam."

"Sam buddy wake up" Spike added his voice a little louder seeing that Sam was not responding to Scott's voice.

Kyle stirred from the fold-out couch bed. He nudged Jeff "Hey Jeff, it's Sam" as he got up and headed for Sam's bed.

Neither Scott nor Spike could go to Sam. Both were bedbound due to their injuries and orders from the Braddock women not to get out unassisted. Both wanted to go to him but neither had much strength yet and both knew that if Sam attacked they could not defend themselves at the moment. Neither would chance that, knowing the guilt Sam would feel for lashing out at them.

As Kyle approached Sam, Jeff was rubbing his eyes and called out "Remember don't get too close Kyle. Startling Sam is like playing Russian roulette. It can be deadly." Jeff got up and quickly padded over to the end of the bed where Kyle stopped.

The whimpers and soft moans were pitiful to hear. Like someone was whipping a puppy. Sam had tangled himself up in his soaked sheets too.

Kyle tried to wake Sam by calling his name loudly several times. It didn't work either.

Jeff stepped forward unable to take Sam's whimpers and moans. It was too heart wrenching and he did not want to even imagine what was causing them. "I got this. I train Special Forces men in self-defense. I should be able to handle Sam if he lashes out."

Scott snorted "You didn't train Sam. Ripsaw did. From what Blaze and Winds have said about Ripsaw, that man knew every form of martial arts and probably invented one himself too."

Ignoring Scott and turning to Kyle, Jeff said "Got my six kid?"

Kyle nodded and moved forward too. He was prepared to add his strength to the situation if need be. He would not like manhandling Sam. But if Sam attacked Jeff, Kyle would do what was necessary to prevent injury to either one of them.

Spike did not want Sam to attack his cousins. Sam was already feeling guilty enough with knowing he killed Vanessa's only family. Sam didn't need more. Spike needed to wake Sam up before Jeff actually touched him.

Rubbing his neck absently Spike tried again raising his voice "Sam wake up now. Now Sam!"

Unfortunately, his words did not work and Sam only thrashed and moaned more. It was so hard to watch. Sam was clearly distressed by whatever he was dreaming about.

Then Spike got a stroke of inspiration and called out even louder and firmer "Team One Hot Call. Gear up, let's go."

Sam bolted upright in the bed and his eyes flew wide open. He scanned quickly as he tried to orient himself. His heart was racing like he had run a five mile sprint and he was slick with sweat. Several beads of sweat formed into one large one and dripped into Sam's eye. He rubbed at it as the salty sweat stung his eye.

As he rubbed at the stinging sensation with one hand and wiped this forehead with the other, Sam got his wits about him. He came to the realization that he was in Scott's basement. Sam leaned back, turned to the left and his eyes landed on Spike. He blinked a few times clearing the blurriness that the sweat had caused in one eye.

His nightmare crystalized in his brain. Aw shit, it was real. Sam stared at Spike's throat. The finger shaped bruises were visible in the dim light. He did that. He choked his friend. Dammit.

Spike gave Sam a sad smile, "You were having a nightmare. I had to wake you before you …" He trailed off and then said "I had to wake you."

"How are you?" Jeff said as he gently laid a hand on Sam's shoulder.

Sam gave Jeff a look that said 'dumbass question' and then turned back to Spike. Sam stared a moment longer then closed his eyes. He could not bear to look at what he had done to Spike. It wasn't Noah that had choked Spike. No, it was him, his hands that made those marks.

Guilt and shame rose up and threatened to drown him right here and now. Could he ever make up for doing that to Spike? If so how?

Jeff knew it was a stupid question but he had asked anyways. He gave Sam an assessing once over then turned to Kyle and said "Go get the shower set up for Sam."

Kyle nodded and turned. This part was no fun. But he would not want to be anywhere other than here. Kyle trusted Scott, Jeff and Spike to help Sam with the emotional stuff. Kyle knew he was not so good at the emotional stuff, so he would do his part this way. He was the muscle here.

Sam did not speak to any of them as Jeff and Kyle helped him to shower. He had been drenched in sweat and the warm shower felt good. He appreciated Jeff's gesture. When he was back in a freshly made bed with clean dry sheets Sam looked at the four men around him. None of them had tried to get him to speak.

Kyle came forward with a mug and said "Here, I thought you might like a cup of coffee."

Then Kyle headed over to one of the chairs and sat down just like Jeff had done so he was not hovering. Kyle picked up his own coffee and took a long drink. It looked like none of them were getting much sleep tonight. But that was okay by him, coffee would do the trick in keeping him awake and alert for now.

Sam had taken the coffee and held just under his nose and inhaled deeply. Then he took a sip. Sam wasn't sure what it was about coffee. He knew he was addicted to the stuff. It was how he got through many a day. But it also seemed to settle him and clear his racing thoughts.

It might be because Matt had always brought him coffee when he was upset and restless. For years when they were in the regular Army on their day off they would find a café with good coffee and sit there for hours drinking and just shooting the breeze. Those were such good times.

He took another sip and then turned to Spike and said "I'm sorry."

Spike looked at Sam with surprise because not only did Sam speak he was apologizing. Spike set his hot chocolate with mini marshmallows down. Scott had told his sisters earlier that he liked his hot chocolate with lots of mini marshmallows. Vicky had smiled and said it was the only way to drink it. Kyle must have overheard because he had brought him a cup when he brought everyone else coffee.

"What are you sorry for?" Spike asked quietly.

Sam dropped his eyes for a moment then looked at Spike directly in the eyes "For choking you."

Spike's jaw dropped and he sputtered out "You remember that?"

Scott, Jeff and Kyle all shared quick glances. Ah crap. Sam would beat himself up over that for a long time.

Sam nodded "Yeah."

"How? I mean you were completely out of your mind and burning up with fever. You were so disoriented you crawled out of the cabin when I was in the bathroom" Spike replied. But then he added "Nothing to be sorry for buddy. I'm just glad I found you before you froze to death out there."

Taking another sip of coffee Sam said "Bits and pieces are filtering back in. I thought I was back there, you know in captivity, and I had to escape. I could've killed you and I'm really sorry."

Spike put on a grin and with humor said "Hey, if I cannot defend myself from a delirious and fevered man that was as weak as a kitten then I deserved what I got."

Then a serious note entered his voice "No hard feelings Sam. I wish you didn't remember. I never planned on telling you. I don't want you to feel bad about it."

Scott listened and knew Sam would carry guilt over this. But perhaps if he had something to distract him and to repay Spike with, then Sam might be able to set the guilt aside.

He entered the conversation and said "Perhaps you can show Spike some defensive moves to counter attacks like that. When you are both feeling up to it of course."

Spike picked up on what Scott was doing and smiled "That would be cool."

Sam nodded and said "I could do that. Ripsaw taught me a few unique techniques to get out of a choke hold." Then he gave Spike a small smile "Especially when the guy choking me was as strong as an ox."

Spike grinned "Maybe as strong as an ox but definitely an ox that was not in his right mind at the moment. Maybe like an ox with mad cow disease. Can oxen get mad cow disease? Or would it be called mad ox disease?" Shrugging he added "Guess it doesn't really matter. We're good, right Sam?"

Lifting his coffee up again and after taking a long drink as he thought about Spike's rambling Sam lightly chuckled. Leave it to Spike to go off on a tangent "Yeah we're good."

Jeff watched the interaction between Sam and Spike and liked what he saw. Spike had used humor to help Sam. He had wondered about the bruising but he had thought it was a result of Noah choking him at some point in the hostage stand-off. By the look on Scott's face he had assumed it was Sam but the confirmation had saddened him. Scott too handled it well giving Sam a way to recompense for his action.

These things Jeff filed into his brain in case he was ever the one on point to help Sam. When Sam was recovering from his lung injury Scott and Adam had taken point, all except for the stairs. Jeff knew he had been a bastard to Sam that day and his cousins had glared at him like he was a dead man for making Sam crawl up those stairs. But luckily that was what was needed to pull Sam out of his depression and prove to him he could get better.

Scott asked "Sam do you want to talk about Vanessa?"

Sam took another long sip of his coffee then he turned to Scott "It hurts. It hurts worse now because Matt had family he never got to know about. Matt had a little sister. He would have been a great big brother to her. Matt would have liked her. My actions … me killing Matt … it hurt so many people. I don't blame her if she hates me. I killed her brother."

Scott nodded slowly "Yeah that would hurt. I don't know if she will hate your or not. But you do know it was not your fault. You were given the all clear to fire. It was just a terrible accident. No one knows why Matt was there. It had to be a series of errors. But it was not your fault."

Sam raked one hand through his hair. Yeah it was his fault. It would always be his fault. He may cope with it, push it down and hide away the guilt. But the guilt was always there. He had taken his brother's life and there was no recompense he could do to change that fact. He should have known it was Matt. He should have sensed it.

But Sam would never get the family to see that he was guilty. So he deflected "I wonder if Vanessa will bother sending my wallet back now."

Kyle said "I can ask Dad to contact that Doc Landry. I'm sure he will send it back."

Sam nodded.

Spike asked "So how do you know that Doc Landry? From the sounds of it he knew you well."

Sam started in telling Spike about spending weekends with Wilson in that cabin and going skiing. About all the fun he had on the slopes. He even grinned and said that he enjoyed the hot tub at the ski lodge a few times with some college aged snow-bunnies.

He told them the snow-bunnies thought he was in college too and he didn't correct them that he was only seventeen. But he left the guys all hanging with no real details of what went on with said snow-bunnies in the hot tub. But they all pretty much guessed that Sam had learned some things and had experiences that all seventeen year old guys would kill to have in a hot tub with college aged girls.

Sam had them laughing at his story of how he learned to snow board. How he spent more time on his ass than on his feet the first time he tried to do it. It segued into all of them laughing at the missed opportunity to see Scott and Spike learning how to snowboard.

Near five am Sam yawned. Everyone took the cue that Sam was ready to sleep. Kyle took everyone's mugs upstairs and washed them out. When he came back down the stairs Jeff put a finger to his lips and pointed to Sam, Scott and Spike. All were sound asleep.

Kyle went to the pull out bed and laid down next to Jeff and whispered "You think Sam will be okay now?"

Jeff nodded "Yeah. He will never give up feeling the guilt over Matt's death. But at least it is now tucked safely away again. Sam is resilient. Get some sleep kid."

Laying his head on his pillow Kyle looked at the ceiling. His heart hurt for all the things that Sam had to go through in his life. Kyle had always looked up to Sam, hero worshiped him. But this was the second time he saw Sam vulnerable.

The first was when he was part of Special Task Force Recovery and helped Sam regain his lung capacity. This time it was different. This wasn't just physical hurt. This was emotional hurt.

Kyle was beginning to realize that Sam was more man than superhero. He had never really given much thought to that before. He had been in awe of the things Sam accomplished and that Sam had defied the odds so many times. But he never really gave thought to the emotional toll that had on Sam.

Maybe he was maturing. Vicky was constantly telling him to grow up and look deeper at things and understand the broader implications; to look beyond himself, the surface and the superficial. She had a point and Kyle was now actively trying to see beyond himself and see how things affected others.

Now with open eyes, Kyle wondered how Sam coped and managed to keep going after all the shit he had been through.

From a very young age he had been amazed by the things Sam did in Special Forces. Not that he knew details but he heard a few things over the years at Braddock get togethers. It had fed into his superhero image of his cousin. But Kyle could now see that Sam was human, so very human like the rest of them.

Sam had vulnerabilities; he was not impervious to hurt. Sam could be hurt like the rest of them. Deeply hurt.

He now saw that things beyond Sam's control had hurt his cousin so very deeply. It made him hurt for his cousin. He wished he could do something to take Sam's pain away.

Kyle made a silent vow to himself to try and learn how to help on the emotional stuff in case he was the only one around when Sam needed help. He could be superhero support.

He chuckled lightly to himself at that thought and decided that maybe he wasn't so mature yet after all. At twenty two years old he still had a few more years before he had to really be mature. So Kyle slipped off to sleep dreaming of him and Sam saving the world superhero style together.