Jules Hurts, Ladies Man? & Mom's Comfort

Three Weeks Later – SRU HQ – Jules' Locker Room

Jules sat on the bench and stared at her curling iron. A sad smile came to her face. Sam had toyed with that and made an inane comment about her curling her hair the first time he came into this locker room.

So much had happened since that early morning. Much of it she wished she could take back. Scott's words had played over and over in her head ever since she heard them. It hurt. She hurt.

This should be easier. She was the queen of dumping guys. No one measured up to her standards.

Well no one until Sam.

Sam.

Jules dropped her head into her hands. Sam was the perfect guy at the wrong time and place. If only they had met differently, if Sam was on another team, worked at a coffee shop, was a professional hockey player, or even a doctor.

That last one made Jules chuckle in spite of how she was feeling. Sam a doctor? Never in a million years. Sam could not stand hospitals so he could never be a doctor.

However, Sam's life might have been very different if he was actually a doctor. If only his life path was different they could be together. And maybe Sam would not have had to endure so much pain.

Sam had too much of that in his life Jules thought. And she added to it. She was a heartless bitch to Sam that night. Heartless!

God, would this feeling of guilt and pain ever diminish? Would the feelings for Sam ever go away? Could she make them disappear?

She tried so many ways to make it go away. Throwing herself into her renovations was one way. Dating guys she knew would never compare to Sam was another. Focusing everything she had on the job was the most common way. But none of that actually made it go away. She still hurt. The pain in her heart would not go away.

The knock on the door pulled Jules out of her thoughts and she called "Decent."

Greg entered. He wanted to talk to Jules alone. He could tell she had been off the last few days. He wanted to talk privately though without Ed, Wordy or Lou around. It was rare that he ever entered Jules' domain. Well Jules' and Donna's domain now.

He sat down on the bench and turned a kind face to Jules. Softly he asked "Would you like to tell me what is bothering you lately."

Jules closed her eyes briefly. She thought she was doing a damned good job of covering up. Opening them she looked at the Boss.

She consoled herself with the knowledge that it was the Boss that was asking. Hiding her emotions from him was difficult to do. The Sarge saw everything.

Jules steadied her internal turmoil and said "Just worried about Spike and Sam. Miss them too. The team is not the same without them."

She waited to judge the Boss' reaction. She was not lying to him but she was holding back the real reason. Would he believe her and let it drop. She hoped he would. Really, really hoped he did.

Greg gave Jules an assessing look. What she said was true. All of them were missing Spike and Sam. The team was not the same without them. But he sensed there was more to it than that.

"Jules you can talk to me. Something else is bothering you" Greg said directly.

He did not want to beat around the bush. If Jules was having a problem he wanted to help. Greg just didn't know what the problem was.

Jules could see that the Boss was not going to be satisfied with surface platitudes. So she decided to be truthful but vague.

She responded "It's a guy. I'm not sure how I feel about him. He wants more than I can give right now. I'm not sure what to do about it. That on top of Spike and Sam being injured, that whole Barton disaster and training temporary rookies. A lot on my mind lately. Sorry it worried you but I'll be okay tomorrow."

Then Jules plastered on a smile and said "I'll just go home and knock down a wall or two and everything will be peachy again."

Greg chuckled "I thought you were done knocking out walls?"

Jules shrugged "Been thinking of redoing the downstairs bathroom. It is outdated. But I like the size of it and that it has handicapped accessible features. I just think it needs updating."

The more Jules thought about that the more she liked the idea. After she was shot she stayed in her downstairs guest room for several weeks. She liked the features of the bathroom but not the look of it.

Starting a new renovation project might just be the ticket to getting Sam out of her head. And if she was truthful out of her heart too. Friends, colleagues … that was what they were now.

Greg nodded "Okay then."

He patted her knee than stood "I had a text from both Sam and Spike just before I came in. Both said they are doing very well. Spike will be returning home in two days. Zach is flying him in. Sam has decided to stay in Ottawa for another week before heading home too."

Jules smiled "Is Spike going to his parent's or to Lou's?"

"I'm not sure. He didn't say" Greg stated.

Jules pulled out her phone "I'll give him a call. I can't wait to see him."

Greg headed out and had a niggling feeling that Jules had not been quite honest with him. But hearing that Spike was heading home in two days had brought a genuine smile and light to Jules' eyes. Maybe it was just her missing them, plus the other things she said.

After the door closed behind the Boss, Jules dialed. When it was answered Jules said "Hey Sam, I hear you are coming home in a week."

As they talked Jules revised her previous categorization for Sam. He was more than a colleague but less than a boyfriend. Sam was her best friend.

Best friend was something both her heart and mind could agree on.

For now.

Two Days Later – Lou's Apartment

Lou came out of his spare room after setting Spike's bags in it to see Spike had settled himself on the couch. He smiled seeing how well Spike was looking. The time spent with the Braddocks had been good for Spike. Lou had called Spike routinely to find out how he was doing, it was nice to see Spike was not just trying to make him believe something that wasn't true.

Jeff, Kyle and Zach had had helped Spike with low impact physio therapy. He had fast progress in healing. With any luck Spike would be back on the team in no time. Now that he was back in Toronto Lou knew he and the team would help Spike make it back.

He grinned seeing that Spike had actually put on a few pounds; that would come off once he started really working out again. All of Sam's female cousins must have spoiled him too with food and attention. All the way from the airport Spike could not stop singing their praises.

Lou chuckled.

Spike looked up and asked "What are you laughing at?"

"Just something you said. How you wished Sam had an unmarried girl cousin" Lou said as he headed for the kitchen to get the hot chocolate with mini marshmallows he had made Spike.

Spike smiled "Yeah, they were nice. It was funny to see Sam toeing the line. He didn't get away with anything with Scott and his cousins there. I learned a few things about Sam too."

"Yeah, Like what?" Lou asked setting the hot chocolate down.

Spike got an eager look on his face "Well, you know how we always have thought that Sam is a ladies man?"

Lou nodded as he took a seat.

"Well he is. You should have heard Scott telling the tale of all the trouble he encountered in Halifax when he went to several bars with his buddies. So many women approached him thinking he was Sam. Blondes, brunettes, redheads. Women of every look" Spike said with glee.

Lou's brows rose "What did Sam have to say?"

"Nothing. Sam wasn't there. He was visiting his mom that afternoon and stayed there for dinner. Scott said he found out that his troubles started a few months after Sam and Matt spent some time in Halifax on leave. Apparently Sam and Matt were stationed at LFAATC in Aldershot near Halifax for advanced training after boot camp."

"Scott told us that the women whispered in his ear very intimate things they wanted to repeat with him when they thought he was Sam. The women were sad to find out that Scott was not Sam. Even more so when Scott turned down their very forward offers" Spike shared with a huge grin.

Lou grinned "We always figured Sam was a ladies man. Blondes, brunettes and redheads. That proves it. Man, Sam sure keeps it to himself."

Spike laughed "We ought to take Sam out to the bars more often. He might just be a great wingman. Sam can draw in the ladies and then you and me can swoop in."

Lou leaned back and drawled out smoothly "Speak for yourself. I have no problems in the ladies department."

Sipping his hot chocolate, Spike just looked over the rim at Lou with an expectant expression.

Lou laughed "Okay, we invite Sam out with us. But I don't think he will come with us often. He likes to go it solo in the ladies department. I mean when has he ever, ever told us about a lady friend? Also have you ever seen him pick up a lady when we all were out together so far?"

Spike nodded "Yeah, I see your point."

Lou then broached a subject he had given a lot of thought to ever since he watched over Spike after he was shot. "Speaking of ladies, I have an idea I'd like to pass by you."

"What?" Spike asked.

"How about you and me plan a vacation this summer? I was thinking someplace warm, like Jamaica. Babes in bikinis on the beach. What do you think?" Lou asked.

A slow smile crossed Spike's face "That sounds like an awesome idea. Sipping daiquiris lounging on the beach watching the eye candy sounds like a real vacation."

"They have dance clubs and hot night life too" Lou said sitting forward. "I got some travel brochures if you want to look at them."

Spike nodded and the two of them talked animatedly about all the options and started to make plans for a trip to Jamaica in late summer.

General Braddock's Home – Yvonne's Sitting Room

Sam entered the room where his mom was now reading. He liked this room. He spent many hours in here with her when he recovered his lungs. This used to be Sara's room and it made him feel calm the way it was decorated in Sara's favorite colors. The first time he came into this room when he was recovering he saw the blue box that he had made his mom when he was a kid.

His mom shared with him that she kept her treasures in the box. Sam had been somewhat overwhelmed to find out that every letter he wrote her while he was in the Army was kept in there. The one that blew his mind was the one he had been writing just before Yankee died.

She shared with him that his dad had sent her the letter because he addressed it 'Dear Mom'. He cringed when he saw the dark brownish stains on it. That was his blood. He could never figure out how he survived that direct artillery hit. The building was all but gone.

He found out that is where she had kept his yellow yo-yo for years before she sent it to him. It now resided in the shoebox with Matt's green yo-yo in his closet in his apartment. They were reminders of fun times he and Matt had together. Matt never did quite get the hang of the yo-yo. Matt had whacked him in the head so many times as he tried to learn.

Sam set the tea tray down on the mahogany table and then handed a cup of tea to his mom. Then he sat down and picked up his own cup of coffee. He assessed his mom carefully with concerned eyes. One of the reasons he had decided to stay in Ottawa after Spike left was to spend some time with Mom.

She had gotten very ill from being out in the cold weather. Mom was feeling better but she still fatigued easily. Sam wished his father could be here for her. The next best thing was him. So since he would not be cleared for duty until next week he decided to stay and take care of his mom. His aunts Kimberly and Connie had taken care of her until he was able to come.

After taking a sip of coffee Sam asked "How are you feeling after your nap Mom?"

Yvonne smiled, "Well. Thank you for bringing up the tea. How is your leg feeling today?"

"Well" Sam answered with a smile.

Both chuckled lightly at their simple one word answers.

Sam sat back and continued to sip his coffee as he got lost in thought. He had enjoyed the time with Spike, Scott, his cousins and the babies but he was looking forward to the quiet comfort of being with his mom too.

Ever since he spent that time with Mom and Bella at Lake Louise, Sam felt a connection with his mom that soothed him. Just being around Mom helped him to begin to sort out his thoughts. And right now he was all mixed up in relation to Vanessa, Matt and Jules. So, being here with her was the right place to be.

The pain he felt over Matt was raw again even with Vanessa's letter. He was working through those feelings. At least the nightmares had stopped.

But it was Jules that was on the forefront of this mind ever since she called him two days ago. There was something different in her tone. Sam could not place it but there was a difference. It was bugging him that he could not decipher what the change meant.

Sam still wanted Jules so badly. Being only friends was so hard to do. Every fiber of his being told him that she was the one for him. But Jules didn't want him like that. She chose the team over him. That still stung but he was dealing with it and he did understand it. He could have quit the team for her. But … no, not really.

No he couldn't quit the team. The team was family. Family Sam needed and relied on to keep him from going crazy after he killed Matt. They had been there when he needed them. It was rough with the team when he first joined but once that was sorted out they all helped draw him out of his depression and suicidal thoughts.

There was no way he could choose to leave the team. He needed them still. It was clear to Sam after finding out about Vanessa, thoughts of what he did to Matt could still drag him back to that very dark place where the colt called to him. So no, he still really needed all of the team.

They each brought something special to his life that helped kept the darkness at bay.

Spike's humor and kid like behavior could always make him smile. His antics could bring out the kid in himself. Spike reminded him that life was full of simple joys.

The Boss' kind eyes and understanding helped remind Sam he was human. He needed to remember that sometimes, because humans were not perfect. With the Boss' help Sam was slowly, ever so slowly beginning to realize that he could forgive himself for some mistakes he made because he was indeed only human.

Lou brought calmness to him and he mentored him on negotiations. It was strange. Mason and Lou looked nothing alike but their calm demeanor was so alike.

Wordy was like a father and had been the first one to connect with him. Sam knew if he ever needed someone to talk to Wordy would answer the phone. Even at two am; because Wordy had done that several times for him already. Wordy would never know it, but he saved him from the colt several nights. If Wordy had not picked up the phone on those times Sam knew he would have lost the battle with the darkness.

Ed was still an enigma in many ways. Their relationship was steadily getting better the more they got to know each other. Sam relied on Ed for strength and he was watching closely to learn what it took to be a team leader. In some ways they were similar. In others very different.

Sam needed all of them, every last one, even Jules; especially Jules. He just could not start over again so he could not leave the team. It was too painful to start over. He had experienced too much loss in his life to willingly subject himself to more.

It was also too risky to leave the team for Jules. He could have very easily found himself all alone again. Because although Sam knew Jules was the one for him, he was none too sure that if he had left the team that Jules would have stayed with him. Sam was not so sure Jules loved him enough to commit to him.

When they were dating Sam could see that Jules had trouble with commitment. Sam was sure Jules had been hurt very badly by someone in her past. He was not sure who it was that hurt her but he could tell someone had. She had her heart broken very badly and was hesitant to commit herself fully to a relationship. A few times in unguarded moments, Sam had seen a lingering fear of getting hurt in Jules' eyes.

He confirmed his suspicions in a conversation with Spike last week, as they recuperated, that Jules really did not have a great track record with guys. The conversation started out with Spike asking him how many girls Sam had dated. He had been evasive as usual when Spike badgered him for details.

Sam really only ever had one girlfriend besides Jules and that was back in high school. He wouldn't call what he had with the rest of the women dates. They were just mutually good times and one night stands since he really was not in a position to commit to a dating relationship.

So he had side stepped Spike's probing questions because he was not a kiss and tell kind of guy. He had too much respect for women to speak about them in that way.

But somehow they got on to the team as Spike speculated about the other guys. Like how many women Ed and Wordy dated before marrying and wondering if the Boss dated anyone. Then Spike got around to Jules.

Spike said Jules never dated guys for long. Guys were lucky to get a third date. She usually dropped them before date three.

All Sam had to do was recall Ed playing her social secretary during weigh in and talking with Scottie boy to give credence to that. That had been funny, Jules looked so exasperated. Sam wasn't sure if Scottie boy ever made it beyond date three.

Sam knew he had made it beyond three dates. They had several months together before Jules was shot and then during her recovery. Sometimes Sam liked to think that he was Jules' longest relationship. Not that he really knew or not because they never talked about their past relationships when they had been together, they were too busy with other things and it really didn't matter to either of them.

But thinking that helped Sam maintain hope like his mom suggested. However, being patient and hoping were painful.

Everything in his apartment reminded him of Jules. There was not a spot in his place that was free of a memory.

They had made love in the bed, in the shower, on the couch, on his kitchen island and on the floor of the great room. Hell, even the laundry room in the basement of the apartment complex held memories of ignited passion. They nearly got caught that night. It was a good thing that not many people did laundry at three am.

The elevator was the worst though. Sam completely avoided it now. They had gotten stuck in the elevator for an hour one night; just the two of them. He had begun to feel closed in and thoughts of the Humvee were causing anxiety. He had felt caged and tense and had started to pace in a tight circle.

Jules read him easily that night. Jules started kissing him and that led to … well … there was no other words but hot elevator sex. Jules had really helped him associate a much more pleasant thought with small confined metal boxes.

But now that small metal box tortured him in a different way. He could not ride up in it without the memory of that night invading his every sense. He could almost smell, taste and feel Jules when he got into the elevator. So he used the stairs exclusively.

However, the stairwell came with its own memories. But he could jog right by them. Hell, his entire apartment complex was filled with memories of Jules. She was everywhere he looked.

He wished that his kitchen still had the aromas wafting from it like it did when Jules would cook for him. Sam wished he could step out of the shower and see Jules brushing her teeth. If only he could hear her laugh and see her smile as she sat on the couch with him.

God he was going crazy in that apartment. If he wasn't locked into a lease he would move. But breaking the lease would cost him too much money. So he had to tough it out until the lease was up.

That was the second reason Sam decided to remain in Ottawa until he would return to work. There was no way in hell he wanted to spend hours cooped up in his apartment with nothing to distract his mind from all the things that reminded him of Jules.

It was still too cold to take really long bike rides too. That storm was probably the last big one of the season and the weather would be improving but it would be too cold for several more weeks.

So, no, Sam could not head home yet. He needed to wait until he was back at work. He could not spend hours in that apartment with only his memories of Jules.

Yvonne watched the play of emotions in Sam's eyes as they sat quietly. Sam had been quiet and introspective since he arrived two days ago. Softly Yvonne asked "Would you like to tell me what has you so inside your head?"

Sam turned and looked at his mom. Yeah she would notice. He had hidden a lot at Scott's but Mom could read him.

He answered "It's not pretty."

Yvonne nodded and set down her teacup "Sam you know I will not judge and I can handle ugly."

Sam decided to shelf his thoughts about Jules and focus on Vanessa. Mom might be able to help with those feeling.

So Sam responded "What Vanessa did was really nice. I'm just not sure I'm ready to reach out to her. I don't think I could look her in the eye. I killed Matt. She has no family left because of me. They never got to meet because I killed him. She is all alone in the world because of me."

Leaning forward Yvonne placed a hand on Sam's knee. Gently she said "Sam, Vanessa is not all alone. I spoke with Maisie Craig. Vanessa has family. They may not be blood, much like your team and your unit are family to you without blood, Maisie, Doc Landry, Minna and the rest of the staff at the hospital are Vanessa's family."

She smiled "Maisie said that Landry and Vanessa are planning the remodel of the hospital together. The amount and number of donations has been staggering. The coverage of the Barton's death and what happened to the small hospital has touched people from all over the country. Maisie said that they are even getting donations from families that suffered losses at the hand of the Barton's as a way to honor their lost loved ones."

"I know you have not been watching the news. But Vanessa gave an interview. She mentioned how her life had been changed by the events. How she believes that God meant for her to connect with her brother in the manner she did and to connect with you."

Yvonne continued even as she saw the emotion welling in Sam's eyes. "In the interview, Vanessa shared how she got the scholarship her brother and his two friends started and how she ended up getting the award that honored his best friend's sister. She told them she felt so blessed. Vanessa was extremely happy for the stipulation that she remain for five years in a small town. She told the reporter that she had found a family in the community. She found a place to belong and a sense of purpose."

"Sam, you and Matt and Richard did that for Vanessa. The three of you gave Vanessa a family. I know you are conflicted but you need to see that Vanessa is happy. And as she said, she does not blame you sweetheart."

The soul deep hurt shone in Sam's eyes. Yvonne clasped Sam's hand and tugged him forward.

Sam ended up on his knees in front of his Mom. He looked up at her with sad and confused eyes. Killing Matt still hurt so damned much regardless of what Vanessa felt.

"I know it still hurts sweetheart. I know" Yvonne said tenderly.

Then Yvonne gently guided Sam's head to her lap. She stroked his hair as she said "Let it out sweetie. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel the grief and deep sadness. Matt meant so very much to you."

As his mother softly stroked his hair and comforted him, Sam felt his mother's love for him in that gentle gesture. Sam let go and allowed his tears of grief flow silently.

.

AN: Two nods to couple of wonderful authors. Jules thoughts of meeting Sam in a coffee shop, being a hockey player or a doctor is inspired by chocolateverries series of AU roles for Sam, check out her story Medically Speaking. Jules thought that Sarge saw everything comes from Sarge Saw by twifantasyfan.

If you have not checked out stories by those authors or stories by Kenyancougar, Purpwithapen and Monisse I recommend that you do. All of them write some really Samtastic and fascinating Flashpoint stories. There are also other wonderful authors, too many to name here, that I would like to thank for posting stories that feed my Flashpoint addiction – really enjoy reading your stories.

Also want to give a huge thanks to Venetiaj for being the absolute best beta reader. Her inputs truly make the stories much better and she keeps me on track with continuity. Many, many thanks.

Thanks also to all my Samtastic readers, vocal ones and silent ones. I'm glad that you enjoy reading my stories and that I can positively touch your lives in some small way. May you all find your beauty of life.