Soft Sounds and Hard Impacts
You won't convince me, that I'll be better off.
So you go on and I'll be happier, I'll be happier.
- Happier, A Fine Frenzy
Jill was deadly silent as they walked into her apartment. Chris knew she was angry. He knew how she acted when she was livid.
Timidly, he put a hand on her shoulder. "Jill?"
"What?" she snapped. Immediately her expression turned apologetic. "I'm sorry, Chris, I'm just-"
He cut her off with a hug. "I understand."
She leaned against him and sighed. "Thank you, Chris." She let herself stay against him for a long few moments in which she held her composure, unwilling to cry in anyone's presence. She pulled away. The prescription was still clutched in her hand. With no little amount of mallace, she crumpled the piece of paper up and threw it in the garbage. "I'm not taking pills."
Chris rubbed her arm gently. "Jill. Cuilter has no rights to judge you, or even give you that prescription. He talked to you for what, a half an hour? I've known you for so much longer. You don't need anyone or anything."
That's a lie. She thought to herself. I need you, Chris.
"Are you coming with me to work today or waiting until tomorrow to give them the paper?" After giving Jill the prescription, Cuilter had agreed to send Chris back to work. He had to resume work within the week or be fired.
"I'm going in with you," he said.
She smiled. "Awesome." Taking a deep breath, she turned towards the door. "Ready to go? I've got to be in soon."
"I'm ready."
After a short drive, Jill and Chris reached the RPD. The brunette had been quiet the entire way. Her teeth were gritted tight, her hands gripping the steering wheel. Her thoughts were on the pills Cuilter wanted her to take. When she originally realized she had fallen into a depression, she had looked into anti-depressants. She had even gotten a prescription for some but stopped when she started passing out at random times. At times, she would black out and end up driving to the middle of no where. Once, her black out had lasted a day and when she snapped out of it, she was sitting in front of her mother's grave. She flushed the pills down the toilet as soon as she got home.
Cuilter's want for her on anti-depressants was infuriating. It got worse as she thought about it. It appeared that Chris noticed. He eased her right hand off the steering wheel and held it in his own. She let out a deep breath, trying to reduce the tention she held in her back. She needed to calm down. Anger wasn't going to help her get better or anything close.
Their arrival at the RPD caused a bit of a stir with Alpha and Bravo. Chris was welcomed back after showing the paper to the captain. He walked happily to his desk, the one that faced Jill's, and sat.
She smiled at him, but it fell when she heard Tony call her over. She glanced at her partner once more before answering her superior's summon.
Stepping into his office, she spoke. "Yeah?"
He held up a piece of paper. "I got this email from Chris's psychiatrist. I printed out a copy to show you what it said."
The brunette scowled. "It's about the anti-depressants, right?"
Her captain nodded. "Yes. I wanted to ask you if he gave you a prescription like he mentions in this."
"He did."
"Did you get it filled?"
"Hell no. And I don't plan on it."
Tony frowned. "Why?"
"Because I don't think he should pass judgement on me from talking to me for twenty minutes. And I don't need a drugs help to get better." Jill was adamant about that.
Tony sighed. "We have three days to prepare for the amusement park case. It shouldn't take more than a week. When you get back from it, we'll discuss the matter. If you won't take the anti-depressants, you'll have to see a psychiatrist as well. I don't want anyone on this team working to less than their ability."
Jill sighed angrily and rolled her eyes. "Fine." She went to leave.
"Oh, Jill!" She stopped and turned back. "Here." He handed her a manilla folder, thick with papers. "This contains all the information you and Chris need for the mission. You'll both be undercover as ride operators, while a few others from the team will be janitors and such. But this rides on you."
She nodded. "Yes sir."
Jill returned to her desk and motioned Chris to lean in. "I have our case report. We've each got to go under an alias too."
He nodded and opened the folder. "Well, let's see who we are." He handed the first two pages to her and kept the second two. "Okay... Looks like I'm Christopher Adams. I go by Chris. I just got out of college and am having a hard time finding a decent job."
She smirked. "Very creative." She looked at hers. "I'm Jillian Montenegro, but I go by Jill. I'm also just out of college. But it says nothing about-" Her sentence died in her throat. Without making too much of a fuss, she asked for his paper and compared it with her own. "Huh. Would you look at that. We're dating."
He knitted his eyebrows and took the papers. He couldn't help but smile. "Is it okay if I say "cool"?"
She chuckled. "Sure."
"Cool. I mean, really. This is awesome." She rolled her eyes, leaving the smile on her face. He was distracting her from her thoughts on the drugs from earlier. From all her thoughts really. "I don't even have to fake any emotion for the role," he pointed out in a quiet voice so others couldn't hear. She blushed. "That's a pretty shade on you, Jill." The blush deepened and she sat down, looking down at her paper work. He chuckled and continued to study his alias.
Jill couldn't sleep again. Though the end of her day had been a decent one, the moment she was alone, her thoughts over came her. She lay awake in her bed, unable to get her mind off of what had happened the last time she had taken anti-depressants. So many horrible things had invaded her dreams. If she closed her eyes, she could see those things again. The thoughts were unwelcome. Her room suddenly felt stuffy. She could barely breath. She stood, gasping for air, and walked quickly out to the living room. There, she opened the window. A blast of cold air hit her and she inhaled, finally getting the oxygen she needed.
She hung there, half out the window, taking deep breaths of the cold, early September air. She stared down at the sidewalk below and wondered what it'd be like to simply slip out the window and fall. She wondered what the pavement would feel like if she crashed into it hard enough that her flesh melded with it, became part of it. All it would take was one little movement and she wouldn't have to worry anymore. No risk of being drugged again, no risk of hurting Chris again.
So easy to do.
Such a small movement.
Jill leaned forward.
So close.
Sudden clarity pierced her mind and she pulled her upper half back inside. In one harsh motion, she slammed the window shut. Her chest heaved with the breath she had nearly taken from herself. Her hands clutched at each other. She was terrified of herself more than any drug.
She scrambled to lock the window before stumbling away from it as though it could pull her through.
"Jill?" She jumped. Chris stood behind her, face filled with worry. "V, are you okay?" She shook her head no and he pulled her into his arms. "What's wrong?" he whispered before kissing her forehead. She clung to him, struggling to breath once again.
"I'm fucking scared," she answered in a hoarse voice. "Part of me wants to die and the rest of me is fucking terrified that it'll get it's wish!" He tightened his grip on her and lifted her up, gentle in his touches. He brought her into his room and set her down on the bed, laying down with her. "And those drugs he described won't work! They didn't before and they won't now!" He didn't ask any questions, just simply held her and listened. He knew that it was what she needed. She sobbed into his shoulder, trying to calm down enough to explain. It took what felt like an hour to her, but was only a few minutes. Taking deep gulps of air, she was finally able to speak normally, though tears still slipped down her face. "I tried anti-depressants before... They made it worse. I had these... Gruesome dreams. You dying... My dad being murdered... Claire trying... trying to... kill me." She squeezed her eyes shut and grabbed a handful of his shirt.
He rubbed circles on her back. 'Oh, V... It's okay. I won't let anyone make you take those pills." He kissed her cheek and brushed away her tears. "I love you, Jill. I won't ever let anyone hurt you..." She clung tighter, never wanting to be removed from his side.
Chris was just as scared as she. He knew he had come too close to losing her forever. He had only been out in the living room long enough to see her slam the window shut. The image of Jill plummetting to her death was all too familiar to him. The only differences here would have been a fall from an apartment building window instead of from that of a mansion and down a cliff. Either way, he would've lost her and that was something he wouldn't have been able to stand. She was the one person that was worth everything to him.
In that moment, he couldn't comfort her in the way he had in his Dream (a night of passion in which he gave her as much pleasure as she could stand), but he could hold her. And that seemed to be enough in her eyes.