Lost and Found

January 25th, 2016; 11:00PM

This is kind of random, but today is the birthday of my elementary school sweetheart. I wonder how he's doing now...? I've heard he's handsome, but he always has been. I wonder, is he a jerk now? Is he still as moody as he used to be? Does he have a girlfriend? There are a lot of people I've lost touch with - I always tend to lose touch with others - so today is one of those moments when I wonder what their lives are like without me. He was a good friend. Maybe I'll try to message him somewhere, get back in touch. Probably not, though. Hmm.

Anyway, welcome back. ^^ This is chapter three. It's... hm. Considerably more dramatic. Or is it? I can't really remember the original version, haha... OTL
For those of you who have read the original, you already know our secret here. I wrote with that in mind, so I really hope those of you reading for the first time won't get the short end of the stick. It wasn't exactly a big, bold lettered "THIS IS IT" kind of cliff-hanger, which I'm sure you might have preferred, but you already got one of those last chapter, right? It's just, it wouldn't be that surprising for someone who's already read it. I don't know, really. Hmm...

I've been trying to come up with a naming scheme for the chapters in this story. In my story, Dust in the Corner, I had this fun scheme in which every character had their own title: The Princess, The Prophet, The Umbrella, etc. Each chapter's title would refer to the character somehow, like 'The Princess's Grudge'... except I hadn't made it completely clear which character was which. It was kind of like a guessing game~ Or, at least, I enjoyed it. But I digress.

I'd started by giving these chapters simple, one-word titles: 'Oblivion' and 'Bliss', but doesn't that sound lame? I thought about having them all begin with 'As' or 'And so', like 'As I awake', 'As I depart', 'As I mourn', for example. But, eh. Another idea was to have them be named 'A Boy, insertword, And A Girl, insertotherword'. It just seems kind of long, doesn't it? Hm. I don't know.

I'll go with another one-word title for now, but if any of you can think of a creative theme, please suggest it to me! (Maybe each chapter could be named after a colour...? Ehh...)

Chapter III:
Bonds

It seemed like just yesterday.

Expecting Rin to be born in a few months, Miriam had decided it was time to learn how to be a mother. She'd read the parenting books thousands of times, but one couldn't become an amazing painter simply by reading about it: She had to experience it.

Ann had been a friend in college. Hearing her complain, she suggested Miriam come visit her at work one day. Her boss wouldn't mind Miriam volunteering and she promised it would be educational.

Ann worked at an orphanage.

It had seemed like a good idea.

She remembered how she'd panicked when Ann told her to bathe one of the babies. Just like that? But she had no idea how! She wasn't even sure how to pick them up without dropping them! Ann had turned to her and said sternly, "You're going to be a mother! Either figure it out, or you can drop your girl on our doorstep the moment she's born!" It had been harsh, but Miriam supposed she needed it. Her insecurities were overwhelming her lately; maybe she just needed to prove she really could do it.

There were four cribs in that room, the first room of many. The two children nearest to the door had already been bathed; the third was being cleaned right now. That left one. She walked up nervously towards the last crib, nearly afraid to look, as if her gaze would turn the precious being to stone.

In the bed lay a small blond-haired baby. He was asleep peacefully, thumb pressed to his pink lips. He seemed much smaller than his roommates and couldn't have been more than a year old. Was she allowed to handle such a fragile life? She wasn't sure what to do.

She reached into the crib, extremely hesitant. Part of her expected the baby to begin screaming at the first touch of her cold hands, so just to try, she brushed a finger over his small cheek. He was so soft... She pet his thick blond hair. It reminded her of her own blond hair, the way it fluffed up. The thought made her smile a little... they were alike, somehow.

Mustering her courage, she slid one hand under his arm, behind his small back. That alone would have been enough to lift him, he was so light. Remembering Ann's advice, she brought her hand further up to caress his neck and support his head. Her other hand slid beneath his bottom and she lifted him so effortlessly, he'd might as well have been floating.

Roused by her warmth, the baby slowly opened his eyes. She gasped; they were a beautiful, strong blue. They stood out and captivated her attention. They were so bright... His eyes locked onto her face and he just stared. He had little to no reaction, yet she tensed anyway. What was he thinking? Was she doing something wrong? The way he just stared... He pursed his lips and closed his eyes again, long lashes fluttering to meet his cheek. She took a deep breath, heart racing from this moment.

"It took you long enough," Ann had snapped when she finally heard the door open. She turned sharply, ready to scold the young mother. "What were you doi-...?" Oh. ...Oh. For once, snarky Ann had gone speechless. There was something about Miriam when she'd walked through the door, that little boy in her arms. Miriam stared at him as though he was a miracle, her face filled with awe and wonder. Just watching them made Ann feel... something. It was touching, somehow, to watch them together. Anyone could tell they'd formed some sort of connection.

The baby looked up at Miriam with those big blue eyes, blinking as though only now taking her in. Slowly, he squirmed, clenching his little left fist before reaching it upwards, unclenching and reaching his fingers out towards her, like a small flower reaching towards the sun.
He was reaching towards her.
Miriam wasn't sure what to do. Did he want her hand? It was underneath him, supporting his light weight. Was he trying to touch her face? Should she try and lean down?
She didn't get the time to decide before he retracted his offer, tucking his thumb inside his mouth and closing his eyes again.

Miriam watched in wonder. "Does he have a name?"

"Len."

"Len," she repeated softly. Softly, ever so softly...

Rin lay staring at the sky.

It'd been about thirty minutes, and she was sure Len hadn't returned yet. He hadn't come back to look for her, either. He'd abandoned her.

...But then again. They were strangers now, weren't they? It didn't matter what she felt.

She'd hesitated, wanting to run out after him. And she had followed him, hadn't she? She was outside after all. But she wasn't running anywhere. She'd followed him out and ventured in the opposite direction, collapsed on the grassy park, cried... The swings were creaking in the wind. She thought about how, not so many hours prior, she'd been on those swings, laughing here with friends, enjoying their company without a care in the world... Somehow, it felt like forever ago.

She could barely see the stars. "See that one there? You can't see it very well, but that bright star is Castor. And beside it, that's his brother, Pollux." She remembered snuggling with Len under a warm blanket as her mother taught them. "They're part of a constellation. Do you know what it's called?"

"Gemini," Rin breathed in answer, looking desperately for the stars in the dark sky above her. The sign of the twins. Theirsign. But the clouds were too thick; Castor and Pollux hid away behind the shadows of the night. Her guiding charm had abandoned her just like her brother had- if she could even call him that.

Rin wasn't sure if she believed in symbolism, but the fact that the twins were invisible to her tonight struck a nerve somewhere inside, dug the knife in even deeper, left her feeling that much more alone... Then again, she rarely could see them. Light-years away, they were hardly visible even on the best of days. But right now was a time when she needed them, needed a sign so desperately, she could cry.

There are no twins.

No words had ever sounded truer.

She was upset, confused, furious, betrayed... All the emotions were taking their toll and as soon as she closed her eyes, she felt herself dissociating, drifting out from her physical body as though falling asleep.

The thoughts swirled in her head, and amongst all the questions, the denials, she thought of Len.

Somewhere, he probably lay just like her. Was he also looking at the stars? Probably not. Did his heart hurt like hers? Probably. Hopefully. Maybe?

Her head ached. A whimper bubbled in her throat, threatening to release into another broken sob.

There are no twins, she repeated in her mind, over and over again like a mantra. There are no twins. There are no twins. There are no twins. There are no twins...

...We're not twins.

Her cries broke the deafening silence.

Maybe it was his beautiful gold hair. Maybe it was those big watery eyes, or maybe it was the way he'd stop crying when she held him. Sometimes, when she smiled at him, he'd smile back, ever so slightly, shyly, like he was unsure, and she always wanted to see him do it again, always tried her best to make him smile.

She spent all her time with him. Whenever she finished work early, she would walk to the orphanage and reach into Len's crib, singing him lullabies and showering him with all the love and attention she could give.

He rarely ever cried, so when he would, Miriam would be the first there to calm him and give him whatever he desired. She spoiled him, loved him. He'd begun reaching towards her more often, and he'd cry when it was time to go. It hurt so much to leave him, to hear him shriek as he left her warm embrace and went back alone to his cold crib.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't keep leaving him behind.

"You did your best," Leon pet her hair. Neither had moved, still sat on the couch after their children had deserted them. He kept murmuring those comforts in her ear, assuring her everything would be okay, everything would be fine. "They're just shocked."

It had started off more as a bad habit; Rin being only several months younger than her adopted brother, Miriam had always called them 'her twins'. There hadn't seemed to be any point in explaining to them what adoption meant. So they grew up calling each other brother and sister, and by the time she realized they fully believed in their mutual blood... well, it seemed like it would only be harmful to explain the truth to them.

She'd waited far too long. Maybe she should have just born the bad news to them early. Maybe she should have corrected their mistake as soon as they'd made it, made it abundantly clear that they were not bonded the way they'd assumed they were.

Leon had always encouraged her to do so. Pressured her to correct them. But she couldn't do it. She kept seeing that shy baby boy, whose mother had abandoned her and had nothing in this world to call his own. Drifting along, waiting for someone, anyone... He reminded Miriam of herself, of her own drifting. She wanted to give him those things; a family, a life, the world (if it was possible).

"It's going to be okay. Everything's going to be fine."

Would it?

"It's not your fault... You did everything you could. Please don't cry... It's going to be okay, Miriam. It's okay. Don't cry..."

There aren't any bonds as tight and suffocating as blood.

Whether you like it or not, you're bonded. Whether you love or hate each other, you can't escape, because you're bonded.

Because you're bonded, you understand each other. You are at each other's side. You raise each other, you grow together, you're bonded, for better or for worse.

When she finally made her way home, it was past midnight. Everything was dark, the streetlights being her only guidance. Not even the stars offered her guidance. Somewhere in the sky, the twins laughed at her, pushed her away. 'You're not one of us.' Mocked her, ostracized her, pulling on her heartstrings.

The front door was unlocked. Her coat and shoes were where she'd left them, and she realized she'd been out bare-foot all this time.

It was empty. She could hear her parents upstairs, mother crying, father shushing her. But they were invisible. Ghosts. That was how she felt, walking up the staircase, listening to the sounds around her, making none herself. Ghostly, empty... Numb.

She'd never felt like this. She knew she was walking towards her bedroom, but she couldn't feel her legs move. Couldn't feel anything. Could hardly even think. Everything moved automatically, robotically, a faint logical voice in her head insisting she couldn't sleep outside, trusting that voice, exhaustion directing her towards her room, her bed...

The knob turned. The ghost made her first sound as the door clicked open. A subtle second sound as it separated from its frame. But the third sound wasn't from the ghost.

Blue. Blue eyes. Blue eyes widened in shock as he was caught red-handed, doing what? She wasn't sure.
A guilty face. Tense body. In his hands, his backpack. Around him, clothes, like on those days when mother had them try everything on to figure out what was too small, what they could throw out... Everything sorted into messy, unorganized piles, like he'd emptied his entire drawer of clothes all over the room.

Feeling caught, his jaw locking, eyes becoming guarded, bracing himself.

"Len...? What are you doing?"

He was dressed fully, but differently than what he'd been wearing earlier that evening. A long sleeved maroon hoodie; dark jeans: Not his pajamas. A backpack; clothes strewn all over the room: Packing. Guarded stance; speechless, refusing to offer even the slightest excuse... Escaping.

The panic grew in her eyes. She stared at him, mouth opening, words forming, failing, receding without sound.

He zipped his bag, swung it over his shoulder. Stared her down. "...It's fine. Just go to bed."

Her hands rose, as if to reach, dropped down, then back up to her face. Dropped down again. Feeling the need to do something, but not knowing what. "You're leaving?"

His eyes widened at her volume, panicked, head angling, trying to pick up any possible sound to indicate their parents had heard. Or, her parents, really. He angrily jabbed a finger in front of his lips. "Shush!"

He was leaving. He was leaving. Len was leaving. Her twin brother, her best friend, he was leaving her. He was leaving. She wasn't good enough for him. He didn't care about her. He was abandoning her without a care in the world.

"Wh-What...?"

"I just need some time to think," Len mumbled, blond bangs falling into his eyes as he zipped up his hoodie. "It's fine. Don't worry."

Don't worry? Don't worry?! "You're leaving me!" She finally took a step forward, her shock melting into anger. At her outburst, he finally looked at her, really looked at her, dropping that cold front... Then his eyes flit to the door, checking for her parents. "You... You can't leave!"

"It's probably not for long," he grumbled, and tried to walk past her. She stepped into his way.

"I'm not letting you go!" she exclaimed, staring up at him. When had he gotten so tall...? "S-So what if we're not twins! We're still family!"

The taboo subject. At its vocalisation, they both froze, tensed, let it sink in.

He looked at her. His blue eyes, similar to hers, they pleaded. She could imagine what he was feeling; his emotions mirrored her own. The fear, the confusion, the hurt, the betrayal... "I'm adopted, Rin," he said slowly. He cringed at the phrase, mouth twisting as though he'd bitten into something sour. "I'm adopted." He repeated it, much fainter, and his heart sank with the words. "We're not family, Rin. This is your family. I..." He closed his eyes, wincing. "I don't even have a family. I don't belong here. I don't belong here..." He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I have to go." His eyes opened and he stared at the girl, begged her. "I can't stay here right now."

It was like his life had been pronounced a lie. What else was false? Who could he trust? His entire identity had just been shattered, leaving him with the urging question: If he wasn't Len Kagamine, who was he? Rin understood, really. If the roles were reversed, she might choose to do the same... or fantasize about it, perhaps. She wouldn't be brave enough to actually go out and seek the solitude she needed, and if Len were there, convincing her not to? She would be convinced. And she would stay home, sulking, wondering what could be, seeking answers that no one could give her.
She didn't want that for him.

"I'm coming with you."

His eyes widened at her request. "What?" She couldn't be serious. And yet she stared up at him with those stubborn blue eyes... He felt his stomach clench. "No. No way. I'm not going on vacation, Rin."

"I'm going with you."

She couldn't be serious. Really couldn't. "I'm going alone."

"I'm not letting you leave me."

All his life, Len had obeyed his sister every whim. Indulged her, spoiled her. Sometimes, he wondered if he shouldn't. His father had talked to him about it once, explained that he was allowed to refuse her requests, and that spoiling her would only make her overly-dependent on others; she had to learn to work towards her own goals. Len had agreed and promised to try harder... but even so, one look from those big blue eyes and he'd crumble to her suggestions. He did everything to make her smile- and he swore sometimes she knew it.

All she had to do was put her foot down and make demands and he'd lose all motivation. If that didn't work, she'd look at him, pouting lips, heartbroken face - exactly the look she was making right now. And if that didn't work... well, he wasn't sure; he'd never gotten that far before.

"If you try to leave, I'll scream."

...Ah. So that's what came next. Threats... he hadn't realized she was even capable. He had to admit he was impressed.

He watched her cross her arms, chin lifting competitively. "Mom and dad are going to wake up and come out, and I'll tell them what you're planning on doing. You won't be able to leave at all." ...He wasn't reacting. He wasn't falling to her feet, submitting himself to her... What more could she do? She was desperate right now. If this didn't work... what did she have left? Could she use force? She wasn't strong enough! He'd leave, and she'd be powerless to stop him-...! "Either you bring me with you or you're not leaving at a-"

"Pack your bag. And be quick." He gave her a stern look. Part of him was miffed that she'd managed to convince him. Another was worried for her, perhaps the part that still cast her as his twin sister. And another, smallest bit, was relieved, somehow. He couldn't really describe it. "Not too much, you have to be able to carry it."

She didn't waste a moment.

It was strange, realizing she was suddenly leaving everything behind. She didn't have room for her favourite books, magazines, or CDs. Clothes were packed, but not her cute summer dresses that she'd been saving for warm weather. Layers, clothes that would keep her warm, were crammed instead. Her comb and toothbrush were allowed, but none of her citrus-smelling soaps. She didn't even have room for the photo album she'd wanted to bring, pictures filled with memories of when they'd been a happy family, oblivious, innocent, living such easy lives...

And now she was leaving that life behind. For a moment she hesitated: Exactly how long was Len planning to be away? Not... forever, right?

But when she'd glance at him, tip-toeing through the house, occasionally shaking his head to get rid of his stupid, persistent thoughts... He needed her. Maybe. Or maybe she needed him. Either way, he couldn't be alone. She wouldn't leave him alone. They were in this together, as brother and sister... even if they weren't related by blood.

Looking up, she still couldn't see the twins in the sky. Without her charm to guide her, she was lost. She just had to trust him, trust Len would take care of her, depend on him like she always had... even though he was a stranger now.

Wasn't he?

She couldn't think of that, not yet. Later, they'd find a time to talk about it, but right now...

She stared over her shoulder at the sight of their house, growing smaller and smaller in the distance. And then she looked at him, his face staring straight ahead, lips pressed in his focus.

He needed this. If the focus helped distract him from his thoughts, then let him bring them to the edge of the world; she'd follow him wherever he needed to go.

He might have thought he was wrapped around my finger, but I trailed after him like a puppy; he held just as much power over me as I did over him. Maybe I shouldn't have followed this time, maybe I should have let him go. But... I kept having these nightmares where I'd watch him leave that night and never see him come back. I was terrified he'd make another life for himself and leave me behind.

I couldn't be left behind.

I couldn't survive without him to depend on.

It's ironic how, in the end, I was the one who walked away. Wasn't I? Or maybe we mutually drifted apart. Despite having sworn we'd always stay with each other no matter what, pinky swear and all.

"It's going to be okay, Rin. Don't worry." Saying it like he had even the slightest clue.

"Forever and ever, right?"

"As long as we're together."

It's funny how these things turn out.

January 25th, 2016; 11:16PM

What an awkward ending. Oh well.

My final exams are this Friday, the 29th. I'm pretty stressed. Very stressed. First up is math, the subject I am least confident in... Math is so difficult! I must be using the wrong side of my brain; I'm far more capable of creativity, linguistics, design... In exchange, my mathematics and sciences are rather poor. Though I can't wait until biology, that's something I'm interested in...

...Huh? Was I supposed to talk about the story?

Hey, doesn't this seem a lot more serious than the original tale did? If I remember well, in the original, Rin found out by finding the certificate of adoption in a filing cabinet. Miriam explained the situation, the twins both separated to spend some alone time, but I think Rin was already asleep when she caught Len packing. It ended with Len agreeing to bring Rin along and then began next chapter already on the train. (That is, if my memory is working. Honestly, it's been so long since I've read it that this summary could be completely off.)

I find this version seems a lot more... real. (I feel like I've probably already described the remake this way several times, ahaha-) Like Len getting concerned over the volume of Rin's voice; after all, if their parents woke up, Len would have some explaining to do. Little details like that make this story different. Hmm.

Mm, I've been helping ChiioMajesty with a big project of hers. It's called 'yield', and it's this freaking monster of a huge two-shot. I've been helping the innocent darling beta it. I have to admit, it's not bad, so please, check it out if you get the chance! We've been working very hard to make it the best it can be. (Quite a challenge, consider Chiio's writing. :P Hahaha, just kidding!)

January 26th, 2016; 12:37PM

I just learnt of Chii's goodbye. …Oh. I definitely wasn't expecting that one.

To commemorate, I wrote a special entry on my profile. Please read it; I'm trying to prove to an amazing girl that she's not as horrible as she thinks she is. To do that, I'm going to put some of my own horrors on display. Yes, for free. She's made a few really difficult confessions. What kind of rival would I be if I didn't try to write even better confessions, right? ;)

…Please read it. Support her if you can. She's a good girl, and no one deserves to feel this way about themselves.

I wouldn't have even finished this chapter if she hadn't inspired me to do so.

Please review to let me know what you think! You're always my beloved.