"What kind of a monster do they think I am?" Lucy scowls at the ludicrousness of the forumers' fears as she grasps the foul-smelling zombie-panda sheets and rips them from Gold's time machine. A flash of light momentarily illuminates the patchwork of welds before fading to an irregular flicker. Thunder ricochets loudly off the barren walls of the stone room.

Dropping the sheets at her feet, Lucy stomps towards Gold's faulty-wired desk lamp and sound-machine alarm clock to slap them both off.

CRASH!

"Bloody fucking zombies!" Lucy disentangles her feet from the filthy rags and inspects herself for any injuries. "Bloody fucking April!" She snatches her diary from the worktable and starts flipping back through the dates.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...what did you just say to me?"

"Get into my blowhole and I'll shoot you over the edge!"

"No thanks."

"Please? I could really use the practice..."

"Not happening."

"But-"

"No butts. No blowholes. No way."

Tired of Brooke and Narwhal's bickering, Chelle dips beneath the water's surface to talk some sense into the pair of aquatic nitwits. If. You. Don't. Rescue. Them. From. The. Water. Your. Report. Will. Be. Very. Sad. She re-emerges with the passing of the next wave to see if her words have had any effect.

Brooke glubs. "Rescue them?"

"From the water?" Narwhal shakes his head as he pats the top of Chelle's with a fin. "My dear little mermaid, they are stuck halfway up a sheer wall of peanut brittle!" Thinking that she's being obtuse - and that he's being soothing - Narwhal continues to smash down Chelle's hair as he whispers to Brooke, "Poor thing probably swallowed too much cream soda! Nasty stuff, really - the carbonation goes straight to the brain..."

Chelle scoops up a handful of Brooke and pitches her at Narwhal. They both shut up. She jabs a finger in the direction of the cave and mimics someone waving for help.

Narwhal scrunches up his face, concentrating hard on Chelle's actions, but- "I can't do it; I just can't understand her!"

HELP! HEELLLLPPPPP!

A yell of distress finally forces Brooke and Narwhal to look behind them.

"Ohmygosh, you guys!" Brooke splashes around frantically. "April and Angel fell into the sea! Hurry! We have to save them!"

Chelle smacks a hand onto her forehead and drags it down her face. She watches as her two companions start to bob away, then slips beneath the surface to follow.

"The twenty-fifth of August-" Lucy spins two of the control panel's dials to the proper date. "Two thousand twelve." She looks from the time machine's display to her diary, then back again. "Yes. Perfect. If Estoma never exists, Aproma can never exist."

She tries to nod in a satisfied manner, but a feeling of unease lingers.

Is there another way?

She ruffles the pages of her overstuffed diary.

I really did enjoy sharing my stories...

Narwhal beaches himself on the warm sand, dragging April's limp body by a length of rope lashed around his dorsal fin. Chelle is right behind him, shoving an unconscious Angel as far onto the dry land as she's able. Brooke creates a series of gentle waves to carry the bodies further from the licorice-shark infested waters.

"What do we do now?" Narwhal wails.

"You're the one-" Brooke splashes as near as she can, "-that was just bragging-"

Narwhal and Chelle stare at each other as the tide recedes, taking the rest of Brooke's suggestion back to the sea. Long moments pass before another wave comes rolling in.

"-about his blowhole!" She takes a quick breath and finishes just before washing out of earshot again. "Give them air!"

"Um..." Narhwal squirms, unsure of exactly what Brooke means.

Chelle nods her understanding and wriggles up to the side of Angel's body. Narwhal observes as the mermaid tilts Angel's chin up, then signals for him to copy the position with April. The two waterlogged enemies lie as equals upon the sand; Chelle and Narwhal begin pressing down on the center of their chests to the rhythm of Brooke's keening.

"Master! I'm back! I brought all the dynamite that was in your room!" Half a dozen pandas - each carrying a full case of explosives - trail Kay as she reappears in the tunnel.

Zoey groans inwardly at her cohort's complete lack of subtlety, but her words convey nothing but approval. "Very good. Start placing them where we discussed."

Irma spins around to confront The Angel's evil charge. "Why were you hiding dynamite in your room?"

"I wasn't actually hiding it, I was-"

"And why was I not part of the 'we' in your discussion?"

Zoey sighs. "Because we've been doing things your way for too long, Cat Lady." She ignores Irma's glare and steps around the shorter woman in order to assist a panda with placing an explosive on the wall. She would have preferred to avoid this confrontation - her original plan was to wait for Irma to use the restroom, then blame the 'explosion' noise on weak walls and a tunnel collapse - but plans often go awry at the Palace. "Help or get out." She reconsiders. "No, actually...just get out. We don't need your help."

Lucy adjusts the date to June 11, 2013 and stands back to consider. "If there's no elopement, there's no permanent connection." She bites her lip. Except, by that date, she's already drawn you fanart. And you've written fic for her.

"ARGH! Brain! Stop pointing out plot issues!"

It's what I do.

"You're too good at it."

Thank you.

Unable to ignore the problem that her incurably observant mind has just brought up, Lucy slumps into Gold's chair and draws her diary near. Exhaustion threatens to smash her face into the formula-scribbled desktop blotter, but she continues to resist. Left hand buried in her hair, she alternates between supporting her head and pulling on the thick waves to stay awake. She stares blearily at the turning pages, unsure of the parameters she should be searching to fill. Finally, six months of entries before the wedding, her eyes pop open and she jumps from her seat. "Why didn't I think of it earlier?" She slams her diary shut and, careful not to let her feet become entangled in the sheets on the floor again, rushes to the control panel's dials. Spinning them quickly to the chosen date, punches a large green button conveniently (and unimaginatively) located beside the panel to activate the machine, and leaps inside!

SLAM! SLAMSLAMSLAM! SLAMSLAM!

"What the f-"

She leaps back out of the machine, kicks a piece of shielding that's preventing the door from shutting, then leaps back inside.

SLAM!

"CLEAR THE WAY!" Cooper clangs around the corner of the corridor, a thick chain held at arm's length, and a flash of orange retreating from his rear-end. "The dragon really does not like anyone but Lucy to touch him!" The clatter of his armor is accentuated by a high-pitched scream as the dragon makes another attempt to roast his ass; the cacophony of their return nearly drowns out the time machine's departure. Cooper stops short and the dragon knocks him to the floor. "Are we...?"

"Too late." Gold sighs, setting aside his lock-picking tools and reaching out to help his brother. "I was hoping it would fail like it always did for me, but she made it work."

ATCHOO!

Muffin offers Zero a purple polka-dotted hanky. "Allergies?"

Zero deposits a considerable amount of snot in the rag before shaking her head side to side. "Fear."

Muffin tucks the sopping piece of cloth back into Head's pocket. "I've heard the saying 'scared shitless' before-"

"-but never 'snotless'!" Head finishes, pinching a corner of the rag with his fingers and removing it from his shirt.

ATCHOO! "What are we-" ATCHOO! "-going to do?" ATCHOO!

"There's nothing we can do at this point," Gold says. "We just wait and hope for the best." Cooper and Head nod sadly.

Muffin lets out a huff and shoves past the Little Triplets. "That's bullshit!" She hefts the dragon's chain over her shoulder and starts hauling the horse-sized beast in the laboratory door's direction.

"Schmoopie-love, Coop was just saying how difficult that dragon-" Head barely makes it half a step towards Muffin when the dragon decides to stop resisting her tugs; he steps back to rejoin his brothers and watch.

"I feel like maybe we shouldn't be standing this close?" Cooper whispers, his armor grating across the stone floor as he positions his foot for a faster getaway. Muffin has grasped the dragon's muzzle between her hands and seems to be murmuring instructions. "Zero? You must be a little uncomfortable, right? You're, like, a piece of mutton-flavored cotton candy..."

ATCHOO! "I wasn't..."

Muffin drops the chain and retreats as far as the dragon's tail. "DRACARYS!"

"What the...?"

FWOOSH!

Clink! Atchoo! Clank! Atchoo! Clunk! AtchOO!

The departure of Cooper and Zero barely registers with Muffin. She squints through the haze of heat to watch the heavy wooden door disintegrate into a pile of ash, and rests a hand on the dragon's back when all that's left is three mangled hinges. "Let's find out where she went, shall we?" Gold and Head step cautiously over the dragon's front legs and follow Muffin into the room beyond.

Lils cups her hands around her mouth and projects the sound of a barking dog over the cliff. She pauses to inspect the horizon.

"You're cute, but your bird calls are really terrible, hon."

Lils ignores Jo and starts going through her series of barks again.

"Please? Can you please just stop for a moment? I'm sure it heard you and is on its way..." Johanna grasps her dwark's hand and navigates them a safe distance from the edge of Peanut Brittle Cliff.

Iris watches fondly as Lilanna gaze out at the sea, willing their giant imaginary bird-friend to bring an update from Brooke. "If alternate universe Iris ever knew what she was missing here, she'd be very sad."

Jo twirls around - the motion somewhat hindered by her refusal to let go of Lils - and asks, "What about here and now Iris?"

Iris avoids making eye contact with her ginger self by adjusting the younger woman's scarf. "Here and now Iris thinks that your dress is adorable and you should totally purchase it again."

Johanna smiles and nods.

Lils stares at this solemn exchange of pleasantries and shakes her head. "You two are weird."

A large white bird lands beside the three girls and waddles to the nearest, bill open for inspection. Lils yells down it's throat for Brooke, receives no reply, and proceeds to scoop out a handful of red candies. Popping one into her mouth, she offers the rest to her companions. "Swedish Fish?"

Iris wrinkles her nose, shakes her head, and continues to inspect the pelican. "I'm honestly amazed that this is real. For the longest time, I thought the moondust was acting as a hallucinogen for you two..."

"That might explain our infestation of duckmunks, but the pelican is totally legit."

"Duckmunks are legit, too," Jo mumbles, shooting a look at Lils.

"But not really." Iris strokes the pelican's neck.

"Who made you creator of the universe?"

"I didn't create it; I just run it."

Johanna pouts. "I thought we were going to be co-empresses!"

"That was before you started having emotions."

"Excuse me? Were you not the one who started this whole conversation with your 'sad AU Iris'?"

"Honestly, Johanna, I'm doing you a favor! Now you can live a stress-free life with your Lils in the Moonfort!"

Johanna tugs at her scarf in anger. "But-" She stops tugging on her scarf. "I might never meet Lils. Or, at least, not under the same circumstances..."

Lils snorts. "You want to meet in the middle of a war and be named 'Chipeerio' all over again?"

Johanna turns herself towards her Aussie counterpart and stares deep into her eyes. She waits a beat, to give proper gravity to her words, then: "I love you."

Lils nods. "I know."

Iris giggles and extends her hand palm-out to Lils.

Lils smirks and mirrors Iris' action, completing the high-five.

Johanna gapes in confusion, then snaps, "Just send the pelican out again, okay?" She stomps away from the laughter of her two ex-best friends. "I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now!"

Even if Angel hadn't come to moments earlier - flailing her arms wildly, as if in her mind she could still prevent a plummet to the sea - Chelle would still be digging her hands into the sand, scrambling away from the scene's newest arrival. Narwhal also stops his life-saving efforts and attempts to drag his gasping patient (thus revealing April's successful resuscitation and negating his last three minutes of labor) away from wherever the tiny kale-colored stranger seems interested.

"It's got to be an extraterrestrial, right?" he asks. A moment passes before what he has just pondered aloud registers with his brain. "Ohmygosh, WE'RE BEING INVADED! ROLL, CHELLE! ROLL FOR YOUR LIFE!" Abandoning his one-time crush to fend for herself, Narwhal starts breaching maneuvers - that get him absolutely nowhere in the sand. Chelle notices that the visitor cocks its head at the obese beached unicorn and gives him an undeniably exasperated look.

Seemingly unperturbed by the thrashing limbs and angry curses, the bird-like creature approaches Angel. Though its sudden appearance was a shock, Chelle and Narwhal find it hard not to grin at the strange pivoting gait with which it circles the Panda Queen. Even Angel shuts her mouth and sits still in order to better observe her observer. The two of them begin an epic staring contest.

"Hey." Narwhal nudges April's shoulder with his flipper. "Wanna bet on the winner?"

April waves her hand in the air, brushing his idea aside. "I don't bet anymore; that's what got me into this mess in the first place." A snort from Angel's direction draws her attention back to the competition. "What's so amusing?"

Angel smirks without averting her eyes. "Oh, just that you're such a los-"

The tiny green penguin spins around, bends over, and sprays excrement all over the Angel's face.

Hahahahahahaha

Haha

HA

Hahahaha

Narwhal and Chelle shrug their shoulders at each other, unsure how to calm April down - or if they should even bother to try. Angel, on the other hand, is deadly silent. Her eyes are still unblinking, but their slightly narrowed sweeping between April sprawled on the sand and the penguin's unaffected preening has the whale and mermaid more than ready to rejoin Brooke in the relative safety of the water. In fact, Narwhal begins scooting closer to the lapping waves before the story even suggests it as an option. "So, yeeeaaaaah, I'm just going to head this way..."

When they've retreated far enough into the water, Chelle tells Brooke all about the grand misadventure on land. "You did what you could," Brooke says, slopping over the side of Narwhal's dinghy as he climbs aboard. "Some people just can't live without someone to hate."

Narwhal swats at a big, white seabird as it glides past him for the third time. "We can still save them." He swats (again) and misses (again) as the bird dives into the water on his starboard side. "But you're going to have to let us splash you around, Brooke." The bird makes an odd screaming noise as it rises back into the sky. "Brooke?"

Chelle slaps Narwhal across the face with her tail and points to the sky.

"What the-" The reason for her slap dawns on him and Narwhal watches helplessly as the screaming bird disappear into the clouds. "That bird just scooped up Brooke, didn't it? Damnit."

He glances at the beach to see April nuzzling the penguin...and Angel hovering murderously over April.

"Where's an iceberg when you need one?"

KABOOM!

Zoey coughs and waves her hands in front of her face, trying to get a visual of the explosion's aftermath. She hopes the dynamite made their job easier, not harder.

"Look, Master!" Kay appears by Zoey's side, pointing excitedly at the unscathed entrance. "I think I can see through to the other side!"

Zoey aches to add a proper set-up to Kay's inadvertent punchline, but she realizes that this is neither the right time nor - glancing around at the lumbering pandas - audience. "I very much doubt that, but I appreciate your optimism." She kicks a fist-sized chunk of rubble out of her path and approaches the tunnel.

CRASH!

Oomph!

"Fuck!"

"Master, are you okay?"

"I'd be better if our combined bodyweights weren't pressing down on my tits."

"Oh! Sorry!" Kay removes herself as Zoey's bodyshield and helps brush the most recent coating of dust from the other woman's clothes. "Shall I order the pandas to start digging?"

Zoey studies the collapsed entrance. Then she turns toward the Palace. The throne room is empty. The forum needs a ruler. "No." She removes her headlamp and tosses it aside as she strides across the grounds. "The Age of the Panda is over."

"She's going to stop herself from intro-ing." Muffin slams the diary shut and glares at the floorspace left empty by the time machine's departure.

"So..." Head runs his hand through his hair. "What does that mean for the rest of us?"

"Well," Gold sighs, "It's really going to depend on your level of interaction with the Littles."

Muffin pitches a glass beaker at the nearest wall. "The Littles have a hand in everything," she scowls.

"It is indeed going to be a bit of a-"

"-clusterfuck," Head finishes for his brother. "A total fucking clusterfuck."

Lucy waits for her past self to set the empty glass of vodka (next to the partially empty bottle of vodka) on the bookshelf and scamper off to the toilet.

C'mon, you've got to piss sometime!

A quarter of an hour later, just as Past Lucy starts reading through forum descriptions, the need arises. Future Lucy tumbles over the window frame at the same moment Past Lucy places a hand on the hall wall to guide herself to the restroom. Future Lucy stands in front of the open laptop, debating how to proceed. Ugh, my pre-MacBook days. She looks at the ugly gray plastic and is struck by an idea. I'll just get a new computer earlier than the first time!

When Past Lucy returns to her desk, she finds the bottle of liquor tipped onto her keyboard and the screen totally black.

April shoos her new Little Penguin away, grabs a fistful of sand, and throws it straight into Angel's face - where it gets stuck to the drying penguin shit and makes Angel's appearance comparable to a cat turd in a litter box.

"I should've killed you years ago!" Angel roars, thrusting a driftwood spear at April's chest most un-angelically.

"Ow!"

"I didn't even hit you that hard," Angel whines. "Either you're weaker than you look or I'm way the hell stronger."

April presses a hand over her heart and looks towards the distant cliffs. Towards the Castle. Towards all she loves. "Something's wrong."