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Chapter Twenty Two- Saying Goodbye

Standing on the side walk straight across from his house, I watched as Jason sat at his kitchen table, his mom pacing around and setting down different plates of food. I let out a sigh. I couldn't let him see me like this. He was used to seeing me happy, confident, and not broken. To be honest, we hadn't really spoken since the night events occurred between us. I mean, we had, but school and friends in between it was hard to keep up. I'm sure part of me probably wasn't sad about that, just for the simple fact that a lot of regrets pooled in my mind and I didn't want any of them to mess up what we did have. Whatever it had become anyways. I took a deep breath and then made my way to his front door, my heart pounding a mile per second. I at least owed it to him to explain why he would probably never see me again. I was so stupid. I couldn't express that enough. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Hesitantly, I knocked and held my breath. It wasn't long before a large woman opened the door and stared at me, her eyes doing all the talking for her. I gave her a weak smile. This definitely wasn't the sort of circumstance I wanted to meet Jason's mother under. Saying hello just to say goodbye forever.

"Um, hi," I nearly choked out. "Could I speak to Jason for a minute?"

"Sure Hun. He's just finishing up breakfast. Come in,"

I blinked a few times. In the five months that we had been together, I had never been in his house. I had actually only seen it a few times when he would walk me home from wherever. He'd make it a habit to pass it by, just in case I ever needed him; I knew where to find him. Well, I needed him then more than ever.

"Thank you, Mrs. Marsden. I'll just wait here though. Can you tell him I'm here? My name is Sarah."

Her eyes seemed to light up and dance a little bit. "Ah! You're the famous, Sarah we always hear about," she said happily. I looked at my feet, trying to hide the blush that crept up into my cheeks. "I'll go get him for you." As she went to turn away, she stopped and shot me a grin, one that reminded me so much of Jason's. "And call me Linda, by the way. Mrs. Marsden makes me sound as old as my mother."

It took a few seconds and she was gone out of sight. I bit the inside of my cheek and my eyes fell to my shoes, the tip digging into the stray gravel that had made it's way on to step. It then dawned on me that I was on his front step, and had just met his mother looking like a hussie. Not a complete hussie; but one none the less. Oh how wonderful. Though she didn't seem phased, I knew that would have plagued my mind for a very long time, if not forever.

Jason appeared quickly and an almost sense of relief washed over me. I wanted to hug him and cry my eyes out, like I had done earlier when Eric pulled me through his window. But I absolutely refused to let him see me like that. I was determined to hold myself together just a little longer. His mouth was half full of pancake and he was carrying a glass half full of apple juice but that seemed to be the last thing on his mind. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of him scrambling from the table to come and see me. "Hey! What are you doing here?" His eyes quickly scanned my body, and I wasn't sure if he liked what he saw or was concerned by it. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head slowly. "Not exactly." I practically whispered. So much for keeping myself together.

Jason quickly placed his glass of juice down on a near by stand and shut the door behind him, his bare feet practically crushing mine as he rushed outside. I was looking down again but he titled my chin upwards. "Talk to me, please. What's wrong?"

My eyes gleamed with tears but I choked back the rest, nearly holding my breath so they wouldn't fall past the brim of my eyelids. "I have to leave."

Jason frowned. "But you just got here.."

"No, Jason." I interrupted him. "I have to leave Philadelphia."

The small frown that was once apparent on his perfect face turned into an even bigger one. I knew he was unsure of what to do, of what to say. But really, I didn't blame him. I sure as hell didn't know either.

"I don't understand. Why?" He almost croaked out. And then without warning, he pulled me into a hug. I hesitated for a second before wrapping my arms around his waist and hugging him tighter than I ever had before. He smelt like syrup and laundry soap. "You know what? I don't want to know why. I want to know how to make you stay."

"If I knew Jason, I wouldn't be standing here sounding like a complete moron." I mumbled into his chest, mine heavy. I was so close to breaking down, for the billionth time. Any second. "I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave my friends. I don't want to leave John Adams. I just... don't want to leave."

Jason held me, for what seemed like forever. The only words that could have made me feel any better was hearing that I didn't have to leave everything I had tried so hard to build. And both of us knew it.

My head hurt. My heart hurt. It seemed like my whole body hurt. It's crazy what an emotional break can do to you. I pulled away from him, and stared up into his beautiful brown eyes. "I guess this is goodbye." I said weakly.

"Have you seen Peter Pan?"

"Of course," I replied.

"Never say goodbye. Goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting," he quoted. I could feel the knot in my stomach tighten. I laid my head against his chest once more and he put his on mine. He squeezed me and then leaned down when I looked up at him again. Our lips gently connected, and lingered together momentarily. I broke away and then hugged him once more.

"Will you remember me?"

"Always," he said softly.

It was almost as if we read each other's minds. I wanted to be continue to be with him, as I was sure that was what he wanted as well, no matter if the thought of Shawn still plagued at my deepest thoughts. But we both knew long distance relationships never worked, and if they did, it was by some sort of miracle. It was very rare. And it wasn't fair to Jason, or to me for that matter, to be kept on a leash and never feel like we didn't have any other option but to wait around and hope things would work out for the better.

"If you're ever in Pittsburgh, look me up, okay?"

Jason smiled at me. "Same goes for you if you're ever in Philadelphia."

"You can count on it." I said softy.

He kissed me one last time, and before I knew it, he was watching me walk away. I glanced back one last time; he was still standing there, his eyes burning into me like hot daggers. My heart sank. I really was going to miss him and my biggest regret was not getting to know him longer, the way I definitely should have. I let out a sad sigh and after one last wave, I was on my way once more. I had one more stop. And like hell over high water, I was going absolutely nowhere without at least saying goodbye to him.

Within twenty minutes, I reached the trailer park. I took a deep breath and trudged my way through. I prayed he was home. To be honest, I wasn't even sure which trailer was his. But I was determined to find it. And soon enough, I did. It was actually easier than I automatically assumed it was going to be. His was about the tenth in, if that. My stomach turned violently and my heart fluttered viciously. I did not want to do this, I would have done anything not to, but I also knew if I didn't say goodbye, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

The door I hesitated to knock on was a worn out egg shell color and the metal surrounding it was a very dull and unwelcoming color as well. I bit the inside of my cheek again like I had done before knocking on Jason's door. It was really become a bad nervous habit. Might as well get it done and over with while I still had the acid in my stomach, right? I knocked lightly and waited impatiently, my eyes nervously darting everywhere, quickly taking in all of my surroundings. Being raised in a house my entire life, whether it was with my mother, father or grandmother, I couldn't have imagined ever going from something like that, to something like what I was standing in front of. I wished repeatedly in the minute before the door opened that I could just grab him and take him with me, take him away from all of it. When the door opened however, I was greeted by a face I so desperately did not want to see. My heart froze.

It was my aunt.

This, was going to be interesting.