A/N: Sorry in advance and I would grab a box of tissues if I were you.
Chapter Ten
Loss
September 5th, 2004
Olivia slowly blinked open her eyes, taking in her surroundings, confused for a few moments as to why she was in a hospital room until the memories suddenly came flooding back to her. She looked around the room frantically, hoping she would see a fetal monitor or something that meant the baby was still alive, but she found nothing except for Elliot's head resting on her thigh. He slept, but as she studied his face she found the skin under and around his eyes was puffy from crying and in that moment all hope fled her and she knew.
She had lost the baby.
Tears sprang in her eyes and as hard as she tried to hold it back she couldn't suppress the strangled sob that escaped her lips. Within minutes her body was wracking with sobs as she was filled with the overwhelming feeling of loss that came with losing a child. She hadn't even realized how much she was in love with her baby, their baby, until the opportunity to love him was ripped away from her.
It wasn't long before she felt a strong pair of arms wrap around her comfortingly and she took solace in his embrace and the loving feeling he conveyed through just his touch. She buried her head in his shoulder and cried unashamedly for an indeterminable amount of time, at one point she could've sworn she wasn't the only one shaking and her suspicions were confirmed when she felt tears fall onto the top of her head. Knowing that he was in the same pain as she was should have consoled her, but it only served to make her cry harder knowing that she was the reason for his pain. She wouldn't let him know this though, because she knew he would try to make her see that this wasn't her fault, even though she knew it was.
Sometime later her sobs had turned to hiccups and she had somehow pulled him onto the bed so that she was lying against his side, her head resting on his chest. She could feel sleep pulling at her eyes, exhausted from crying so hard, but she wasn't ready to succumb to the welcoming darkness just yet.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, her eyes intently studying the buttons on his shirt.
He planted a feather light kiss just above her eyebrow, "So am I."
She didn't ask what he was apologizing for, not having the strength to argue with him just then. "He was all I ever wanted." She did not mean to verbalize this particular thought, but the words were out of her mouth before she could take them back.
He stroked her back, sighing heavily, "Me too, Liv."
She was thankful he didn't need to ask if she was referring to the baby because she didn't think she would've been able to explain without more tears being involved. With that off of her chest she was able to fall into a comfortable, yet uneasy sleep, though thankfully she didn't dream for if she did she was afraid of what her dreams would be about.
Olivia was discharged that evening and Elliot took her back to his apartment because her living room floor was still stained with blood and he didn't think either one of them was ready to deal with that yet. He led her back to his bedroom and found a pair of sweats and an oversize t-shirt for her to wear, and once she was changed she laid down on the bed, pulling the covers up to her chin.
"I don't have much in the way of food since I've been staying with you most of the time, so I'm going to run out and get some stuff for the rest of the week. Is there anything you want?" He asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"No." She answered, turning on her side so she was facing away from him. "You should go talk to Cragen while you're out. Tell him we aren't going to be in for a week."
He nodded, and then remembered she couldn't see him, "Yeah, good idea."
She didn't say anything more so he slowly got up and made his way to the door, hating this sudden and unexpected distance between them. He could already tell that this week off was going to be difficult, but he was also grateful that Erin had made it mandatory, because he knew that Olivia would have rather gone back to work and absorbed herself in the job as a way to get away from the pain instead of staying home with him. Hopefully this week would give them time to grieve and begin the healing process, though a small part of him believed that a week wouldn't even serve as half of the time they needed to get over this loss.
Elliot stopped in the doorway and grabbed the door handle, "Alright, I'll be back soon." He took a step into the hallway, but then turned back, "I love you, Olivia."
"Love you." She mumbled in response.
Elliot quietly shut the door, his heart breaking at the way she weakly uttered those two words that were usually so full of meaning. He pushed these feelings to the back of his mind and headed out, stopping at the grocery first and then heading down to the 1-6. He walked into the precinct with a heavy heart, glad to see Munch and Fin's desks empty; he wasn't in the mood to talk to more people than was necessary.
As Elliot neared the Captain's office he felt a ball of fear and anxiousness ball up in his chest. He wasn't sure what Casey had told him or the others, the last he could remember speaking to her was right after the doctor had come out and told them the news. He had asked her politely if she would mind leaving and not to call the rest of the squad down to the hospital, they needed time to process this on their own before being able to accept any condolences. She had agreed and given him a small hug, promising she would let the squad know that Olivia was alright, but that he would have the opportunity to tell them about the baby on his own.
He knocked on the door, waiting to enter until he heard the older man say he could come in. He tried his best to compose himself and his overwhelming grief as he took a seat in one of the chairs in front of the desk.
"I didn't think I'd see you here tonight, thought you'd be glued to her side." Cragen said, skipping the pleasantries.
"I had to pick up some stuff from the grocery and I thought this would be better to do in person." He answered, willing his gaze away from the older man's gentle one.
"Casey didn't say much about Liv or the baby, just that she was okay and you would let us know more later." He said, looking at Elliot expectantly. "I know that look Elliot, what aren't you telling me?"
Elliot looked back at Cragen confused, "I've been purposely not looking at you."
"That's what I mean." He replied grinning gently. "Now, why don't you tell me what's going on?"
Elliot took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly as he ran a hand through his hair, "When Liv didn't show up at court Casey and I went back to her apartment and when we got there..." He paused, hating the feeling of fear the memory evoked in him. "There was blood and she was passed out, and so we took her to the hospital, but by the time we got there...it was too late."
He stopped there, unable to say the actual words out loud and was grateful when the older man didn't ask him to elaborate. Elliot watched as Cragen stood and walked around the desk until he was standing behind him and he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry." Don said sorrowfully.
His words were so sincere and for the third time that day, Elliot found tears running down his face. He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands as his body began to shake violently even as his tears remained silent. It took him a few minutes to compose himself, and for fear that he might start crying again he kept his eyes trained on the floor.
"I thought I was going to lose her." He whispered after a while. "Losing the baby hurts like something I've never felt before, but if I had lost her too..."
"I know." Don said softly when Elliot trailed off. "You two are really close and it wouldn't have been easy for any of us if something had happened to her."
Elliot shook his head, "No, it's different now, we..." He sighed, looking up at the older man apologetically. "We've been seeing each other for about two weeks and we both admitted that we've been in love for a lot longer than that, even if we never said it out loud. We wanted to tell you, but you'd already done so much with the baby and IAB that we didn't want to make it more difficult for you."
Don gave him a small smile, "I'm glad you two finally came to your senses."
"You knew?" Elliot asked, not really surprised.
"From day one." He answered, walking back around the desk and sitting down. "I assume you and Olivia will be taking some time off?"
"Yeah, Olivia's doctor said she needed to take at least a week and I'm going to as well. I'm not sure if she'll want to take more time or come right back to work, we haven't really talked about it, but this isn't a small loss by any means so I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to take more time." He explained.
"You know you can always take more time if you need it too. Lord knows you both have enough time saved up to last you for a while." Don said leaning back in his chair.
"I know, I'm not sure if I want to yet, but I'll make sure to call as soon as we figure all of this out." He said, standing up from the chair.
"Alright, take as long as you need, there's no rush." He answered as Elliot started to open the door. "And, Elliot?"
He turned back around, "Yeah, Cap?"
"I really am sorry." Don said, his eyes suspiciously misty.
Elliot gave him a small nod, "So are we."
With a small wave he left the office, glad that his coworkers' desks were still empty so that he didn't have to explain his red and puff eyed state. He made good time getting back to his apartment and since it was only a little after six when he walked in and finished putting the groceries away he decided to fix grilled cheese and soup, one of the few dishes in his repertoire. He turned on the radio, making sure it wasn't too loud, for some background noise as he cooked so the silence of his apartment didn't become too overwhelming.
He was just finishing the second sandwich when he heard his bedroom door open and watched as Olivia shuffled into the kitchen, wiping the sleep out of her eyes.
"Hey." He greeted, sliding the sandwich from the frying pan to a plate and setting on the counter by his already half eaten one.
"Hi." She replied half-heartedly, casually side-stepping him when he moved to embrace her.
"Are you hungry?" He asked, confused and a little bit angry with the way she was acting.
"No." She answered, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge.
"Did you sleep well?" He asked, trying again to start some sort of conversation.
"Yep." She said, starting to walk out of the kitchen.
"Nope, not gonna happen." He said, grabbing her wrist, effectively stopping her from leaving.
"What is it, El?" She asked her tone exasperated and short.
"Why won't you talk to me?" He questioned, squeezing her hand.
She sighed looking away from him, "I'm talking to you now."
"You know that's not what I mean." He argued, reluctantly letting go of her hand as she pulled it out of his grasp.
"No I don't know what you mean, I don't even understand why..." She trailed off folding her arms over her chest.
He looked at her expectantly, "What, what don't you understand?"
"I don't understand why you're still here, okay? That's what I don't understand." She replied angrily.
"What do you mean?" He asked, thoroughly confused. "I told you I was only going to be gone for-"
"That's not what I meant!" She yelled, cutting him off and turning away from him, he was about to ask once again what she was talking about, but she spoke before he could. "I don't understand why you haven't ended this yet. The baby's gone; you have no obligation to me anymore."
He started to open his mouth to reply but was caught off guard as he watched her shoulders start to shake. Sighing sadly, he turned her around and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her to his chest as she continued to cry. He rocked her back and forth and before he realized what he was doing they were moving around his kitchen in lazy circles in time with the song that was currently playing on the radio.
I don't know
Why it has to be so black and white for you and me
When there's a million colors in between
And we could be anything
He remembered hearing the song briefly when he had been driving out to a crime scene in Queens a few weeks earlier and for some reason the lyrics had stuck with him so he started to softly sing the last few chords.
"The truth ain't always what it seems, and right or wrong lacks depth to me. Fear is our only enemy and we could be, we could be, we could be anything." He positioned his mouth right next to her ear and crooned the last few words to her. "We could be, we could be, we could be anything. We could be, we could be, we could be anything."
As the last notes of the song faded out he pulled back, smoothing her hair out of her face and resting his hand on her cheek. "I want you to listen to me very closely, okay?"
She nodded, her beautiful brown orbs watery and red stayed fixed on him, "Okay."
"I love you with all of my heart, Olivia and nothing and no one can change that." He brushed away a stray tear that had may its way down her cheek with his thumb. "This...losing our child, it's horrible and it hurts and I hate it, but it's not your fault. I don't and will never blame you, because despite what you might think this was completely out of your control and absolutely not your fault. Got it?"
She nodded and kissed him on the lips, conveying through her touch all the sorrow and hurt she was feeling, and when she pulled back her eyes were holding back more tears, "It just hurts so much, El."
"I know." He whispered, pulling her back against him and resting his hand on the back of her head. "But we will get through this together, okay?"
"Okay." She answered her voice shaky. "I love you."
"I love you too, Olivia." He placed a soft kiss on the side of her head. "Don't ever forget that."
A/N: So the reason it took me so long to update was because this was a very hard chapter to write and I wanted to do my best to convey to you just what they were feeling and going through. I have never lost a child and I can't imagine the way it must feel, which is why I spent so much time on this chapter. I had no intention to diminish or down-play this situation and if I have offended anyone in any way, I apologize.Well, despite the sad mood of this chapter, I hope you all, if not enjoyed, at least appreciated this chapter. Not sure if I can actually find the right word so I'm just going to stop babbling and thank you for reading and continuing to review.I decided not to respond to the unsigned or signed reviews this chapter, because they all were pretty much hoping for a better outcome and as you see that didn't happen. Either way, thank you for your reviews, I appreciate them all.Thanks, Kate