... Chapter 61 ...
Beth picked through the meager selection of weapons that lay on the table in front of her as the conversation she'd had with Daryl repeated itself over and over again in her head. As was her nature, it had blown itself out of proportion a while ago, leaving behind nothing but a profound sense of sadness and the gut wrenching feeling that maybe he didn't care about her as much as she did about him. While her heart refused to believe it, her head couldn't really say to be sure. She could only wish in hindsight that the whole thing had transpired a lot differently.
Alone with her thoughts for the first time since it happened, the disparaging notion began to germinate. She pulled a deep breath in an effort to prevent it from taking hold and forced herself to focus back on the task at hand.
The cabin she was in housed everything the group had scavenged from Terminus - guns, knives and anything else they had managed to grab on their way out. The contents of Rick's duffle bag was there as well, along with ammunition and whatever else had been tucked away in its pockets. The stash wasn't much by any means but it was a whole lot more than they'd all had initially. Carol had inventoried everything down to the very last bullet before leaving the entire haul there for anyone to have access to it.
Since she was part of the next group out on watch, Beth picked up one of the loaded handguns and shoved it into the waistband of her jeans. As she did so she happened to glance through the window to see Maggie making her way towards the cabin. The late afternoon sun was starting to descend in the distance and its fading light cast a shadow across her sisters face. It only emphasized just how tired she looked. She still managed to have a smile for anyone who needed it though and was always the first to step in to lend a helping hand. Maggie was much like their father that way. Somehow they both could find the brighter side of any situation no matter how dire or disheartening anyone else thought it to be.
Beth reached over to rub away the grime that was obscuring her view. Through the smears she could see that her sisters arms were full of the miscellaneous guns she had collected from those who had been on first watch. With their shift now over, she was likely returning them as they had all been instructed to do. Earlier that day, Rick had called for a mandatory meeting so they could all get together and discuss the situation at hand. He had made it clear that he wanted five people patrolling the camp in five hour increments at all times. After putting them all into specific groups, he explained that the limited number of guns they all had available to them were to be returned at the end of each shift for the next group out to use.
Maggie and Glenn were part of the first group to go out and they had been more than happy to do so together. She was assigned to the second... herself along with Abraham, Sasha, the new girl Tara and Daryl. The five of them had the much longer night shift and from what she understood, they were to stay out until the sun rose in the morning. They would then be relieved by group three.
Looking on, Beth watched as Maggie stopped nearby to talk to Carol. Both women laughed over something one of them had said. It was still so surreal to see her sister that she didn't quite know what to make of it yet. The two of them had been separated for so long that it felt like a dream... a dream she had wished for but hadn't really expected to see happen. Having held onto the tiniest thread of hope for so long, to see it now come to fruition was almost too implausible to be believed.
Somehow, she and Daryl had managed to find everyone alive despite the overwhelming odds stacked against them. To have done so was extremely rare and wasn't to be taken for granted, especially by someone like her who still dared to have faith in such things. It only confirmed what she had always known - that she had been right to hold true to those feelings. Even when the world seemed determined to prove to her wrong, the two of them had made it, beating the odds themselves to find their way back to where they belonged.
The entire group was stronger for being reunited and there was a general sense of it permeating the air. Rick had stepped back into his assumed role of leader with both Carol and Daryl filling the positions of support that were needed behind him. Abraham and his group had integrated easily enough, bringing with them new ideas to fortify the camp that hadn't been thought of previously. The big man's military experience was invaluable and Rick had been quick to take advantage of it, putting his concepts into action almost immediately to make their temporary living situation that much safer overall.
For her part, Beth just put her head down and did what she could to stay out of the way. For coming so far to get here, she was having a surprisingly hard time finding a place within the larger group that she could truly call her own. Being addressed by anyone other than Daryl was still disconcerting to say the least. The two of them had been alone together for so long that she had gotten used to the extended periods of sullen silence he seemed to prefer. In the past she'd resort to asking him questions if only to hear the sound of something other than her own thoughts rattling around inside her head. Now there were so many people talking that she was starting to get a headache from it. She wouldn't go so far as to say she missed the quiet, she was just finding it hard to think straight with all the commotion going on around her at any given time.
With the problem she was in with Daryl trying its best to consume her every thought, it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. She'd much rather be subjected to the sound of mindless chatter than the deafening silence she was surrounded by right now.
With its tangible weight pressing in on her, Beth found herself thinking back on what had been said between them once more... doing so despite her best intentions and the fact that she had already gone over it more times than she cared to admit.
Having nothing left to say, she had forced herself to walk away from him... her head held high even though her heart felt like it was in pieces within her chest. She had silently trudged her way back to camp, feeling confused and despondent. To say that the conversation hadn't gone as planned was an understatement and she could only reflect on it sadly as she wondered in hindsight what she could've said or done differently.
When Daryl had first asked her to come with him, she had followed him into the woods not really knowing what to expect. They had reconnected quite easily as the worry they'd had for each other crossed the small space between them. The sound of his voice had grazed across her skin, much like it always did when he said what he meant. It only reminded her yet again of the magnetic pull he had over her.
With all thoughts of how exposed they were falling to the wayside, she had leaned in to kiss him, wanting nothing more than for him to meet her halfway. A slight noise from nearby was all it took to tear them apart.
Unfortunately it had all been downhill from there. What had started out so promising had quickly unraveled as the underlying sexual tension between them made a mess of things. Unable to see his way past it, Daryl had instantly become frustrated... the situation made worse by the disagreement that had soon followed. The bigger issue they had of telling the others soon took precedence with neither of them much caring that they were in no state to discuss it. Frustrated herself in more ways than one, she had resentfully thrown his question of what they should do right back at him, unable to help herself as it all became too much.
Daryl seemed to practically shut down in front of her as the pressure of the moment backed him into a corner. Already dishearteningly unreadable under the best of circumstances, the exchange had only made him more so. A stubborn inclination that he had neither the capacity or patience to deal with, his dismissive attitude had immediately set a fuse to the situation, complicating it past the point of no return. As a result he had placed the burden squarely on her and probably hadn't thought twice about it, even when she had been quick to point out just how unfair that was. After all, she wasn't looking forward to telling everyone about them either… she just knew how much easier it would be with him defending it by her side.
Back in the present, Beth felt the prickling of tears sting at her eyes as she realized in hindsight what neither one of them had been able to say. They were both loved by those who knew them, that much was true... but those same people might have a hard time understanding how the two of them could suddenly find something more in each other. If they deemed it to be unusual for her, then they'd likely see it as completely and unequivocally out of character for Daryl. Not wanting to be judged unfairly either way, he had become unreasonably defensive about it and had taken it out on her.
Reflecting back on it now she wished she could've told him that it was nobody's else's business but theirs. To her, it was just a matter of time until the others found out about them and they could do so by either being told by them directly or by eventually figuring it out for themselves. The rules that would normally look down on them for whatever reason didn't exist anymore... not that she had ever given them much credence to begin with. From the difference in their age to their standing in the group, none of that mattered.
The regret she was feeling was just another reason why she was now here alone, feeling sad and confused about things far beyond her control. During their time together she had dared to hope that Daryl had felt the same way. His recent attitude had shown her otherwise. He had shut her out rather than make the effort needed to think the problem through. It was only because she loved him so much that she was willing to forgive him but that didn't mean that she had to like it...
Beth looked over just as Maggie came in through the door, her eyes widening in surprise for seeing her younger sister standing there.
"Hey!" She smiled, "I didn't expect to see you here!"
Her sisters reassuring presence instantly calmed the turmoil of her thoughts and appreciating the reprieve, Beth just nodded and said quietly, "I was getting ready to head out. I'm on the next watch so I'm picking out a gun to take with me before I go."
Maggie came over and set the ones she was holding down on the table.
"Well, here's everything from us... this ones mine and here's Glenn's… Rosita… Eugene... and Carl's. All of them are still loaded..." She stepped back and put her hands on her hips, obviously relieved to have put the heavy things down. "We didn't have any trouble, even though I honestly don't know who'd be left from Terminus to cause any. But I guess it's like Rick said, it's better to be safe than sorry, right? Anyway, we're fortunate to be in such a good position here... it's a good thing Carol came across this place!"
Beth nodded in agreement, having already realized the tactical advantage of the remote location for herself. The cabins Carol found were just a few belonging to a larger camp of some type, the exclusive kind that rich parents sent their kids to so that they didn't have to deal with them over the summer. Rick had chosen six that were as far away from the camps main entrance as feasibly possible. The whole place was abandoned and in a bad state of disrepair. All of its amenities were stripped clean a while ago and the only things left were the beds and the dusty linens that went on them.
Rick had them do a complete sweep of every building none the less, if only to check for walkers and to see if they could find anything else of use. As expected, the cafeteria had been ransacked of anything edible a long time ago with all of its pantry shelves empty. They had managed to find a fair amount of pilfered contraband in the locker rooms though, secret stashes that had been hidden from the camp counselors. Food, beer and a surprising amount of drugs were all stockpiled in the central cabin that had been designated as a hub, the very same cabin that the two of them were standing in. Along with the table of weapons, it now housed everything they owned.
The small amount of processed junk food found was nowhere near enough to feed them all though so the responsibility of finding the difference fell squarely on Daryl. Whether he wanted the burden or not, Beth couldn't say. Much like the rest of them he had just buckled down and got it done, staying out in the woods for as long as it took. He had come back a few hours later with nothing but a dead elk calf and a sullen attitude in tow. Practically tossing the carcass at Carol's feet, he had taken off again without so much as a by your leave only to show back up when the food was actually being served. He had taken a plate and had retreated to the far side of camp with it, staying there for the rest of the evening to not being seen or heard from again.
Beth had watched him do all this with a lump in her throat, barely believing what the two of them had been reduced to. As far as she knew he hadn't talked to anyone. He kept to himself and everyone around him seemed more than happy to leave him that way.
Seeing him close himself off like that was the equivalent of watching the walls she had fought so hard to dismantle be determinedly resurrected again brick by brick. With so many people around, it wasn't like she could just walk over and confront him about it. Even if she could, she wouldn't have known where to begin. Her feelings were hurt and he seemed determined to ignore that by any means necessary. It was clear that he considered her to be part of the problem... a problem that could've been avoided if they had just been upfront with everyone when they'd had the chance.
Dwelling on it as she picked disinterestedly at her food, it was then that she happened to glance up and see that Rick was staring at her from the other side of the campfire. His intuitive gaze narrowed in on her before he looked over to where Daryl had disappeared just past the cabins. Initially startled for the direct eye contact, she had made a discerned effort from that point on not to give herself away for the rest of the meal...
Maggie suddenly waved a hand in front of Beth's face, drawing her attention back to the moment. "Hello? Anyone in there? I swear, ever since dinner it's like you're checked out! Are you ok?"
"I'm sorry..." Beth said in a rush, not wanting her sister to see the distracted place where her thoughts were lingering, "I'm fine. I must've just… spaced out for a moment. Really, it's nothing. I'm fine."
"So you keep saying...'' She said skeptically, ''What I was just saying is that you look tired. It's starting to get dark out there. Why don't you let Glenn take your shift. You can take his in the morning, when it's lighter and you've gotten some sleep. He won't mind."
Realizing that her sister would likely push the idea, Beth headed around her to make her way out of the cabin. As much as she appreciated the sentiment and the place where it was coming from, there was no way in hell she was going to allow that to happen. "No, it's ok… I can handle it."
Maggie's concerned gaze followed behind her.
"You can handle it? Since when? Are we still talking about the same girl that used to sneak into my room at night just so she didn't have to stay alone in her own? You'd tip toe in despite the fact that daddy would get mad and threaten to lock your door. You've been scared of the dark for as long as I've known you. What happened?"
Sighing, Beth turned around. "I adapted Maggie... I had to. It was either that or give up and that wasn't an option."
"No," She corrected adamantly, "I mean what happened to you after the prison fell?"
Beth felt her shoulders unwittingly lock down upon her frame. "Does it matter?"
Maggie came over to regard her seriously, "Yeah, I'm starting to think it does. I've been around you for less than a day and even I can tell that somethings different. You've changed. It's like you're more… I don't know… headstrong and determined than you used to be."
"Is that a bad thing?" Beth was quick to ask, "I already told you, it was either adapt or die. I did what I needed to do, no more and no less than either you or Michonne. The only difference was that I didn't have the survival skills that came naturally to the two of you so I had to work that much harder to get there. That's why I'm taking my own shift despite how dark it gets. I'm not afraid anymore."
Not feeling the need to explain herself further, Beth left the cabin to head back the way Maggie had come. If she was going to be out on watch all night she planned on doing so from the cabin rooftop closest to Terminus. The elevated position would give her an advantage that those walking the woods wouldn't have and would allow her to warn them that much faster if she saw anything coming their way.
She rounded the cabin in question and set a ladder against its side, climbing up onto the faded wood shingles. The wide open expanse of sky in front of her instantly put her at ease and she pulled a deep breath from under its calming influence. Terminus still burned unimpeded in the distance and the smoke from its fires infused with the clouds in a way that looked almost surreal. If the circumstances had been any different, she would've gone so far as to say it was almost beautiful.
Beth glanced over to see Maggie clearing the top of the ladder as well, not really surprised to see that she had been followed. Both girls sat down on the edge of the roof so that they could watch the sun set together, each of them appreciating the moment for reasons they kept to themselves.
"Y'know, I can see for myself that you're not afraid," Maggie finally whispered, her tone as hushed as the quiet air around them, "... but what I don't know is why. What happened after you left the prison? Where did you go?"
When Beth didn't respond, she tried another tactic. "Ok... how about this, when did you meet up with Carol? Was it right afterwards?"
Beth looked over and swallowed hard before saying quietly, "I met up with Carol yesterday."
Maggie's brows drew in confusion. "Wait... what do you mean, yesterday? I thought you had been with her this whole time?"
The younger of the two girls expelled a sigh as she prepared herself to lay it all on the line. "No… that's what you assumed. I never got a chance to answer you before when you asked. The person I got out of the prison with was Daryl."
If the conversation itself hadn't been so personally nerve racking, Beth would have found the shocked look on her sister's face comical. She guessed it was understandable, especially considering that neither herself or Daryl had ever indicated such a thing. Relieved none the less for finally being able to talk about it, she looked on as Maggie struggled with the concept.
"Daryl..." She said point blank, "You've been with… Daryl… this whole time. Oh my god, Bethie... how is that even possible? Please just tell me what happened!"
For the next few hours Beth told her everything she wanted to know, from the fall of the prison to the reason they had both come to Terminus. The moonshine house, the mortuary, Merle and the claimers… the long sordid story filled the air. Completely engrossed, Maggie would ask her a question every now and again, her voice filled with nothing but care and concern. Beth found it harder than it should've been to keep her personal feelings for Daryl out of every single answer she gave.
Revisiting all the things they had done together was only making her miss him that much more. The whole time she talked, she could think of nothing else. She filled in the blanks as much as she dared while purposely excluding everything she knew Maggie wouldn't approve of. She had never kept secrets from her sister before but now considered it a necessity. Until she could figure things out with Daryl for herself, coming clean with anyone else was just going to have to wait.
Beth also made a point not to mention the injury in her shoulder that was still doing its best to heal itself. How could she possibly begin to explain that she had intentionally gotten herself shot in order to save the man's stubborn life? Her older sister would immediately want to know why and wouldn't understand the watered down explanation she would be forced to give. No, she'd keep that information to herself for right now and just pray that it didn't come back to haunt her again later.
When she was done, Maggie looked as though she had just taken several years off her life. The cabins old chimney was at her back and she slumped against it in a state of disbelief
"Wow…" She breathed, "I can't believe it! And here I was thinking that we had it bad! You know, when you first told me that you made it out with Daryl, I couldn't think of anyone I wanted you to be out there with less. But now... well, I'm glad it was him. Who knows what could've happened if he hadn't been there to take care of you!"
"Who can say…" Beth shrugged, wanting to give credit where credit was due, "Probably nothing good. He stayed with me the whole time and taught me everything I know. He made everything I went through… bearable... and did so in more ways than one. I honestly don't think I could've done it without him..."
Reminded yet again of the love she had for the man, Beth looked out into the darkness only to stiffen when she saw a lighter suddenly flare up in the distance. The small flame held itself steady against a Marlboro only to be snuffed out once the cigarette caught. The sight of it was so familiar that she knew without having to be told that it was the very person they were talking about. Beth felt an instant shiver run down her spine as all of her senses immediately jumped on point. Suddenly breathless for it, she glanced over to see Maggie curiously watching the lit cigarette as well. The smoke it gave off suddenly dissipated amongst the trees and the two sisters found themselves sitting alone again once more.
Seemingly unphased by the brief interaction, Maggie expelled a sigh. "Well, I hate to say it but it looks like your time together may have affected you more than it did him. I don't think he's said a word to anyone since he got here."
"He's just trying to… you know... get used to being around a large group of people again." Beth could only say, having to fight the lump of emotion stuck in her throat. "He doesn't mean it to be personal."
Maggie gave her a knowing side-eyed look. "It's not like any of us would ever call him out on it even if he did. Everyone knows that's just how he is."
Beth had to quell the immediate urge she had to fly to Daryl's defense. No good could come from it. She didn't expect Maggie or anyone else to see past the preconceived notions they had about him, not when she'd been just as guilty of having them herself. That was a long time ago though... long before she had gotten to know him. Now she knew that beneath that rough exterior there was someone worth loving, someone who would put his life on the line for the people that he cared about. If those same people could only see it for themselves, then the two of them wouldn't be stuck in the dilemma they were in.
"Not always..." Was all Beth dared to say, "He's not always like that."
"Well... I'm guessing you would know." Maggie conceded as she glanced back down to where he'd been standing, "Who am I to say one way or another. I mean, I know Daryl but I don't 'know him' know him. It's like he has an invisible shield around himself that prevents that from happening and he uses it to keep away both the bad and the good. No one even dares attempt it anymore. I tell you what though, if spending months alone with you hasn't changed that, I honestly don't know what could."
Seeing the confused look caused by such a statement, Maggie smiled with an awareness on an older, wiser sister. "You're like a light that people naturally gravitate towards Bethie, you always have been. Like moths to a flame... they can't help themselves. If Daryl of all people somehow managed to keep himself impervious to that... well... that says something for him."
"What does it say?" Beth whispered, the question being asked despite itself.
Maggie put an arm around her shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "It says that I'm amazed that he didn't fall in love with you!"
With that, she stood up to sweep the dirt from her pants, preoccupied enough with the task to not see the stunned look left on her younger sister's face.
"Lord knows, I can't think of any other guy who hasn't... and most of them weren't even around you as long!" She added with a laugh, "Luckily, Daryl's not just some other guy though... which is good because I'd hate to have to confront him about it. You said that he looked out for you and for me, that's enough."
The extended length of the conversation took its toll and Maggie emitted a tired yawn before going over to the ladder to climb her way back down it. Beth watched her do so with her heart in her throat, unable to say a thing.
Her sister had said it was enough but how much did she really mean it? Would that change as soon as she knew the truth? What had started out as mutual survival had developed into something more and she wasn't sure that Maggie had it in her to understand that. She had a tendency to be overprotective, much like their older brother Sean. It ensured that neither had the capacity to look past their own decisions to allow her to make a few of her own.
Maggie didn't know it but she was about to find out just how headstrong and determined Beth could be. She wasn't the same sheltered young girl from their farm anymore, the one that had been scared of her own shadow and all the fears that came with it. She had fought long and hard to get to this point and had far surpassed whatever previous assumptions anyone might've had about her. Daryl was the catalyst for that and the reason why she now felt like the person she was meant to be. As such, Beth knew that she would risk everything to be with him.
From where she was nearby, Maggie stopped and turned around to regard her younger sister...
"You know... I'm not sure that someone like Daryl knows how to love." She said pensively, sounding as though it was a unexpected revelation that she needed to share, "It's sad really if you think about it. If anyone deserves it, it's probably him. Anyways, I'm heading off to bed. You're sure you'll be alright up here by yourself?"
Beth just nodded in the observations aftermath, wondering what could've possibly compelled her to say such a thing. Maggie was assured enough to climb her way back down the ladder. She probably didn't give her parting remark a second thought as she made her way towards the cabin the two of them would be sharing with Glenn and Tara.
Her sister couldn't possibly know how wrong she was and Beth hadn't been inclined to correct her. What difference would it have made? To everyone that mattered, Daryl wasn't capable of expressing anything other than a general disdain for those around him. Thinking that he had something more to offer emotionally was almost too far fetched to be believed. By the same token, she was still considered one of the weaker members of the group. Without observing the progress she'd made firsthand, her sister and anyone else of importance had nothing else to go by. It was almost like nobody knew them.
Maybe she was wrong to have the two of them wait… maybe they should just tell entire group now before all of these one sided beliefs became irreversible and turned into something that they couldn't come back from.
Beth looked on as candles left burning in the windows nearby snuffed out one by one, They indicated that those who weren't on watch were turning in for the night. There was safety in numbers which meant that they all were bunking in the few chosen cabins together. She couldn't say which one Daryl was staying in. He hadn't asked to bunk with anyone and as far as she knew, no one had bothered to offer. She couldn't help but think that he was purposely keeping himself segregated from the rest of the group so that he could fall back into his old habits unimpeded.
The two of them couldn't do this... not indefinitely anyway. Rick already starting to suspect something. Maintaining the pretense was becoming difficult enough and it hadn't even been a day. It was only a matter of time before they gave themselves away, she knew it and Daryl knew it too. He wouldn't be trying so hard to avoid her if he didn't. He had told her a while ago that they were in this together. It was obviously up to her to reminded him of the reason why.
...
Thank you for reading "What Still Lies Ahead" and for sticking with it after all this time. It truly is a labor of love for me and that others are enjoying it means more than I can say. Comments are always welcome and more to come soon.