Chapter Eleven
Healing
September 19th, 2004
Olivia stood outside the door to the guest room, trash bag in hand, taking a few measured breaths before finally finding the courage to turn the brass doorknob. She quickly walked around the room, picking up clothes, toys, and blankets that had already been purchased, doing her best not to look at any item longer than a few seconds. Everything fit snugly in the bag, but as she dropped the last onesie in the bag and looked around the room, now emptied of any and all traces of the beginnings of a nursery, her heart clenched. She looked down at the plastic bag in her hands, marveling at the fact that all her hopes and dreams of having a family fit in such a small space.
She sunk down on the bed in the center of the room and against her better judgement pulled a few things out of the bag. She ran her hands over the smooth material of a duck-covered fleece blanket she'd bought a few days ago and wasn't surprised when she saw a few droplets of water suddenly appear on the soft fabric. She sniffed and wiped at her cheeks, stuffing the blanket and the rest of the things she had gotten out, back in the bag before tying it tight and dropping it on the floor. Hung had suggested at her session earlier that afternoon that she might want to think about putting the baby's things away, one of the many ways to start the process of healing and moving on.
Olivia rolled her eyes, if only it were that easy. She felt as if a huge chunk of her heart had been torn from the whole and even though she knew that Huang knew what he was talking about, healing and moving on seemed like a very far off goal at this point.
Olivia stood, grabbing the bag on the floor and stalking down the hall to their bedroom. She threw open the closet door and shoved the bag as far into the back corner as she could and proceeded to rearrange her clothes so she could barely see the offending plastic had also told her not to get rid of any of the baby's things because someday she might want to look at them and remember the good stuff. But she honestly wished she could just throw it all away, because she didn't think she would ever want to look at any of these things again. As she slammed the door shut she felt hot angry tears fall down her cheeks and for the hundredth time in the past two weeks she wondered how she hadn't exploded yet. She felt angry, confused, depressed, and empty all at once, all the time, and it was driving her crazy, among other things.
On the other hand Elliot seemed to be doing better than she was; he had gone back to work at the beginning of the week. She'd had every intention of accompanying him, but she had taken one look at the building that housed the 16th Precinct and had lost every bit of confidence she had previously possessed. Elliot hadn't blamed her and had been patient and understanding the whole of the last two weeks. However she did find herself feeling a little jealous, of all things, when she saw that he appeared to already be recovering from their loss, while she was left behind, still in shambles. Olivia tried not to let these feelings show, because she didn't actually believe them herself, but as selfish as it sounded she still found that a small part of her wished he was right where she was, because rock bottom didn't seem so scary when you had someone sitting beside you.
Olivia's thoughts were interrupted when she heard the front door unlock and she glanced at the alarm clock on the dresser, confused when she saw it was only a little past four. He was never home any earlier than six and that was on a good day. She stood up and walked down the hall just as he turned around from hanging his jacket on the back of the door, and the face she was met with surprised her. His eyes were red with unshed tears and his whole body screamed exhaustion and defeat, which was beyond confusing and left her feeling very concerned.
"El?" She asked tentatively.
Suddenly she was surrounded by his embrace in a bone crushing hug and she could feel him shaking against her as he silently cried into her hair. She comforted him as best she could, rubbing her hands up and down his back and whispering soothing words in his ear. She was still rattled by his unexpected emotional state and when he finally calmed down enough to where she could lead him over to the couch, she situated herself between him and the back of the sofa and tried to figure out what could possibly be bothering him. After ten minutes had passed and he still hadn't said a word she decided if they were going to get anywhere she would have to be the one to start the conversation.
"Rough day at work?" She asked, trying to sound casual.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"Elliot I haven't seen you like that because of something at work in a long time. What happened?" She pressed, not willing to let him drop the subject.
"I didn't say it was because of work. I just don't want to talk about it, okay?" He snapped icily.
Olivia was at a loss for words, not understanding his sudden change in attitude. They'd been so open with each other since she had lost the baby because they both knew that secrets wouldn't do anything to help their situation. Now it seemed like they were moving backward instead of forward and she didn't like that at all.
She sat up and climbed off of him, not saying a word until she was standing in the doorway to their room. "When you're ready to talk, I'll be in here."
She shut the door quietly and walked into their bathroom, turning on the shower, hoping that the hot water would calm her down. She didn't know why he had snapped or what had happened at work, but she did know that she had absolutely no desire to fight with him. They hadn't had a fight since the night he brought her home from the hospital and she didn't want to have another anytime soon. Arguing was part of having a healthy relationship and even though she knew that, the pain from their loss was still too sharp and she didn't think she could handle even the simplest of bickering just yet.
Olivia stripped off her clothes and stepped inside the shower, sliding the door closed behind her. She stood under the hot spray coming from the shower head for several minutes and was so absorbed in the comforting feeling that she didn't realize she was crying until she tasted the salt on her lips. She wiped at her tears angrily and pounded her fist on the wall; she hated this. She wanted to be done with the tears, with the pain and the hole it had left in her heart. She wanted to be done with this stupid, unwanted dynamic of grief in their relationship. Most of all she wanted to forget that any of this had ever happened.
She barely registered the sound of the shower door opening and closing, but when she felt Elliot's hand on her shoulder she turned around and buried her head in the crook of his neck. They stood under the spray of hot water for a while, unmoving aside from the occasional kiss he pressed to her shoulder. Her tears had stopped almost as soon as he had wrapped his arms around her, but she found herself craving more of his comforting touch and began kissing him up his neck and along his jawline until their lips met. He caressed her lips softly, but she didn't wait long before deepening the kiss, hoping he understood what she was asking for, what she desperately needed.
When they pulled apart, both breathing heavily, his blue eyes that had grown dark with desire looked at her questioningly. She simply nodded and kissed him again, rubbing her center against his hardening shaft. They hadn't made love since she lost the baby, even after Erin had given them the okay a few days ago at Olivia's follow up appointment, which explained Elliot's careful and calculated caresses as he explored her body. Olivia nuzzled his neck with her nose and nipped at his sensitive flesh, soothing it with her tongue only a moment later, hoping he understood that she had no desire to be treated like a fragile china doll .
She received her answer when he picked her up and pushed her against the opposite shower wall. She wrapped both of her legs around his waist as he moved his hands to the back of her thighs to support her so she didn't fall. Her fingers speared into his short hair as she kissed her way across his shoulder, up his neck, and finally to his his mouth where their lips met for a heated kiss. When they broke apart his mouth trailed kisses down her collar bone and chest until his mouth hovered teasingly over one breast. She hefted her chest impatiently and he complied, sucking her sensitive flesh until she moaned in pleasure further hardening the erection that was pressed into her thigh. When he removed his mouth from her nipple a few minutes later, she grabbed his chin before he could move onto the next one and covered his lips with hers, bucking into him as his tongue entered her mouth.
He took the hint and slid her down the wall a little bit so that he was lined up at her entrance. She let out a small gasp as he slowly entered her and she realized how much she had missed being with him in this way. She met him stroke for stroke as he began to move inside her and not much later she whispered "I love you." in his ear just before she came. He followed her over the edge mere seconds later and she was thankful he was still holding her legs, otherwise she would've been a puddle of mush on the floor.
Elliot leaned his forehead against her shoulder and she rested her cheek against his head, both not moving until the water turned cold and she began to shiver. He slid out of her when he reached around to turn off the the water and she sighed heavily in protest. He turned around and smiled apologetically, giving her a quick peck on the lips before backing away from the wall and carrying her out of the shower into the bedroom. He pulled back the covers, laid her down on the bed, and slid in beside her pulling the blanket over their naked forms.
She snuggled into his side, using his chest as a pillow as her eyes began to droop from both physical and mental exhaustion. She was just beginning to doze off when she felt him sigh beneath her and she took this as a sign that he was ready to talk.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you." He said, stroking his hand up and down her back.
"It's okay, you weren't ready to talk and I shouldn't have pushed you." She answered kissing his bare chest lightly.
"Yeah, but I was stupid to expect that you would just drop it because I asked you to." He countered.
She was quiet for a moment, hoping her next question wouldn't upset him. "Are you ready to talk about it now?"
"I guess there's no use in putting it off any longer." He paused and she waited patiently for him to continue. "Metro found a newborn in a dumpster this morning."
Olivia sucked in a breath, her eyes wide, "Oh."
"That's not even the half of it." He said, lacing his fingers through hers. "The baby was found alive and when Fin and I got to Bellevue she had already been checked out and was in perfect health. The part that really pissed me off was the fact that she had been dumped not even half a block away from the hospital, and even though she shouldn't have been abandoned at all, they could have at least left her at the damn hospital."
"Did you find out why she was abandoned?" She asked quietly.
He sighed, "It was the classic high school situation of boy meets girl, girl gets pregnant. She wanted to keep the baby, but he had convinced her to give it up for adoption and he said he would take care of everything. Only, the bastard was too much of a coward to tell his parents so he just decided leaving the baby to die in an alley was a better option. The girl, Beth, was happy to have her baby back and she told us that when they left the hospital he took Emma and told her he was taking her to the adoption agency and she didn't find it odd that she had never met an adoption agent because she was already such a mess from having to give her up."
"Emma?" Olivia questioned.
"That's what Beth named her, she was the cutest little thing, crazy brown hair and big blue eyes." He explained a small smile on his face. "When we finally dragged the douche in for questioning he acted like it was no big deal. I threw him up against the wall and was about ten seconds away from killing the asshole when Captain came in, dragged me off of him and sent me home."
"I'm glad he stopped you." She whispered when he was finished.
"The kid deserved to die." Elliot muttered angrily.
She shook her head and shifted so she could look into his eyes. "I understand why you would say that, and so does Don, which is why he didn't take your gun and badge before you left. But Elliot, even though we lost a baby it doesn't give either of us the right to go around bashing people's skulls in that don't understand the gift of a child. Plus if you would've been thrown in jail by Tucker because you were being so stupid I would've killed you myself."
He chuckled, kissing her before she laid her head back down on his chest. "You're right, it's just hard. Anyway enough about me and my day, how was your appointment with Huang this afternoon?"
"It was fine." She sighed, remembering the bag that was currently sitting in the back of their closet. "He said it might be a good idea to put away the baby's things."
"Did you?"
She nodded, "Yeah, wasn't easy, but I think it will help."
"Good, I'm glad he's helping you." He said, kissing her head.
"He also suggested something else, but I wasn't sure if you'd go for it." She said hesitantly.
"Why don't you tell me what this suggestion is first?" He replied, she could hear the smile in his voice without having to look up to see it.
Taking this as a good sign she took a deep breath and continued. "He thought it might help if we named him. He said that if we named him it would be easier to grieve and move on because he would be more real and it might be easier for us to accept his absence in our lives. But if you don't think it's a good idea we don't-"
"Liv?" He interrupted.
"Yeah?" She answered.
"I think that is a very good idea." He said and she looked up at him to find a sad smile on his face, but it was a smile nonetheless. "Did you have anything mind?"
Olivia let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, "Oh...um, we'll I hadn't really thought of anything yet."
"Good, 'cause I think I've got the perfect one." He said looking down at her thoughtfully before continuing. "Levi. It was a name that I found when Kathy was pregnant with the twins, we didn't use it obviously, but it makes sense for him."
She understood without asking who the him in question was, but didn't understand why the name was perfect. "Why Levi?"
"Levi means 'to bring together' and I think that even though he's not here, he should be credited with bringing the two of us together. Without his life, however short it may have been, I'm not sure I ever would have gotten up the courage to tell you that I love you." He explained and the genuine love and consequent grief that filled his voice made her eyes grow shiny with tears.
"I think that's a great name." She whispered past the lump in her throat.
They settled into a comfortable silence, both trying to wrap their heads around what they had just done and how much more real it made their loss. A few of Olivia's tears dripped onto Elliot's chest and feeling them he rubbed her back and pulled her closer.
"You know something I don't understand?" She asked after a while.
"Hmm?"
"What was the point of me getting to feel him move inside me so early on, if I was only going to lose him the next day?" She paused, watching as his thumb stroked the back of her hand that rested on his abdomen. "I mean, I feel lucky that I did get to experience that, but I almost wish I hadn't so I wouldn't have another thing to miss. Ya know?"
"Yeah, but I've actually been thinking about that, and I have answer, but it might sound a little crazy." He said squeezing her hand lightly.
When he didn't continue she nudged his shoulder with her head, "What is it? I promise I won't think it's crazy."
"Well, I was thinking that maybe, maybe it was...it was Levi's way of saying goodbye." The name didn't seem to leave his mouth all that easily, but his guess did make sense which was what she tried to focus on most.
"That doesn't sound crazy." She replied. "It makes perfect sense, even though I wish it didn't."
"Me too." He whispered back.
They slipped once again into silence and she could tell he was beginning to doze off, but she still needed one more question answered.
"Do you think we'll ever get passed this?" She asked quietly.
He remained silent and she was just resigning to the fact that he had probably already fallen asleep when he tipped her chin up and looked into her eyes, his love for her on full display in his deep blue irises. "I promise you that we will get through this Liv, I love you too much for anything else to happen."
She kissed him deeply then, thanking him through touch for telling her exactly what she needed to hear. "I love you too."
Olivia laid her head back down on his shoulder and slowly began to drift off and for the first time in the past two weeks her dreams were not plagued with grief or a fear of never moving on, but instead centered around the man lying beneath her and how deeply she was in love with him.
A/N : Hey all! Sorry it's been a while since I updated, but family stuff and school kind of took over my life for a little while and I had focus all my attention on that.
Now last chapter I got a review that asked about my reasoning for asking you all if you wanted to know the gender if the baby was just going to die anyway, which is a very reasonable question and I meant to explain in the last authors note but I forgot. I had not originally planned for the miscarriage, it was something my muse decided to throw in at the last minute, but I promise I will still use the info you guys gave me later on in the story. Hint, hint, wink, wink.
Alright, now lastly I realized that I also forgot to credit the song I used last chapter to the amazing artist Jay Ollero, he is awesome and I encourage you to check him out.
I think that's about it, so thanks for reading and I love all of your reviews!
-Katie