A/N: A big thank you to everyone who has left a review.
Halesia Carolina: Thank you for your opinion. As for the other exorcists… I really wanted to give them backstories, to have some focus on them, but it is as if that just wouldn't fit in this story. As if any chapters about them would be fillers, you know? I ended up building this story in a way that places Allen and Kanda under the spotlight. Nea has been mentioned from early on and can also participate but, as you said, the other exorcists aren't really the focus here. As for Marie… yes, considering the events here are different from the ones in the manga, he unfortunately could not be accidentally cured by Kanda's blood before being placed into a birthing pit.
Shiro-chan1827: Thank you for your thoughtful review! I do not understand much about reincarnation theories, but I certainly take no sides here, and the 'younger' Allen is still an important part of the story. We are simply going through different phases - we started with Allen first, and accompany Allen Walker later. They are both important, they both needed to be presented. Hopefully, this story's end will be satisfying, though I imagine that will be very difficult to achieve.
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Synthetic Soldiers
21 – Whatever it takes: Kanda
"Gensui?"
The adrenaline from the short battle he almost had to become a part of had made him hyper aware of his surroundings, despite his poor physical condition. But when Kanda saw him, it was as if the whole world around him lost its importance. His vision tunneled, focusing only on the person in front of him. The remains of the disposed Akuma, the burning forest, Lavi, everything else disappeared from his awareness.
Unbelievable as it was, Tiedoll was in front of him. The other man didn't look exactly like what Kanda had expected – the face was older, the hair whiter. He seemed shorter, even though that was likely due to Kanda's last growth spurt. Yet his power seemed undeniable, and he couldn't deny it even if he wanted to – that was Froi Tiedoll in front of him, undeniably real, wearing an uniform that the younger exorcist had learned to associate with danger. And still, this was the general, the one he had been almost hopelessly looking for, so the dark colors and the Rose Cross didn't inspire the usual hatred and fear – they brought relief instead.
His heart had been weighed by many different pressing concerns and doubts. To have such a relevant one lifted away left him breathless, filled with hope, yet so weak. He felt the connection with his Innocence disappear, and his sword slipped from his fingers and fell to the ground, a second before his vision darkened and his knees failed him.
There was a rush of hurried steps and someone barely managing to keep him from hitting the ground. He then felt his body being taken away from the fire and the poisonous smoke. Someone shouted something, but he didn't understand it, and he didn't react as he was placed in the floor, sitting with his back resting against a tree.
"Hurry up, boy," urged the familiar voice, and Kanda almost felt alarmed at that, but his weakness didn't allow him to experience much more than confusion, and he also eventually realized the command wasn't directed towards him. The other person there… Lavi, was carrying something, and deposited it in the General's hand.
He felt something being placed on his lap – a small box and, when it was opened, he felt the delicious aroma of fresh food. He couldn't focus on it though, and turned instead to the older exorcist, whose face became clearer due to Kanda's own adrenaline.
"General," said he, feeling the urge to say everything he could, to relay as much content as he could, because this meeting could very well be time limited. "Listen-"
"I won't listen to a single word," said Tiedoll instead, and the fierceness of his eyes and tension in his frame was enough to astound Kanda into silence. "Not until you have eaten, and eaten well. Now."
The request from the man seemed irrational and impossible, as if focusing on anything but talking to him was absurd. However, as he turned his attention to the box, he felt as if he had forgotten everything else.
Feeling his shoulders sag, he let the spoon sink in the mixture of rice, beans, vegetables and everything else and took it to his mouth. After doing so, his hunger awakened once again, and he started digging into it without a care, waiting for the relief that came from a good meal. Once the box was empty, he leaned once again against the bark, eyes returning to the general and now seeing him more clearly. The blurriness slowly left, and the details became more visible and real.
Seeing Tiedoll brought about a wave of relief, but also anxiety about the man's wellbeing. "How did you...how did you get here?" asked Kanda finally, trying to get some strength into his voice. Seeing as the general wasn't in a hurry to leave, Kanda allowed himself to sit and rest some more.
"Your young friend brought me here," said Tiedoll, and Kanda finally remembered about Lavi's existence. He looked around, but couldn't find the redhead. He had disappeared to somewhere while they interacted.
"But still... why did you come? Damn, that rabbit must persuasive," said he with a weak smirk, still unable to believe that the gamble of telling Lavi had worked out.
The man seemed truly puzzled by Kanda's words.
"He said he knew where I could find you," said Tiedoll, as if saying a very obvious thing. "Of course I came."
Kanda's eyes widened a little at that, before his shoulders started shaking as he chuckled, and then the chuckles turned into laughter. Of course he came. Seeing Tiedoll's worried expression, he took a shaky breath and covered his eyes with one hand, gathering himself one more. When he stared up once again, he was in control.
"How... have you been?" asked he, hating how mundane the question sounded, even when it was so important.
"Deathly worried about you. How did you manage to…" Tiedoll started, before shaking his head. "No, let's not waste time with such talk. I made sure to come as soon as I could, but there is still risk in lingering around here. I understand you called for me," said Tiedoll, voice careful and worried. "What is it? I will help you with whatever you need."
Kanda knew those weren't empty words, and he was grateful, for he had really needed to hear them; to know that the general would be willing to help him, even though the Japanese exorcist had put him under such danger just by trying to make contact. He would help despite the fact that this very meeting must be dangerous to him, as a general's absence would be surely noted.
He breathed in, gathering courage. "It's... it's Allen," He admitted, and just knowing he would finally speak about it to someone was somewhat of a relief. "He... he..."
Silence. The words wouldn't come, and he paused at the general's expectant look.
How could he ever speak of it?
Why had he not planned this properly? How could he say it, what words could he use, so that the general would understand what was happening to Allen? A situation that was so utterly unbelievable that to this day he hadn't told a soul? If only he had the golem's recording, but even that had been taken away. So he stared at the older man wordlessly, feeling as if gathering words was harder than any battle he had fought before.
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Tiedoll looked at Yuu in askance. The dark haired boy seemed unwell – and not only due to starvation and the many battles he must have fought. There was something in his eyes, a desperation that had never been present there before. Even years ago, when neither Yuu nor him knew what had happened to Allen and couldn't even tell whether he was alive or not. He had to wonder about what in the world could have happened to put his son, a person who had endured so many difficulties in life, in such a state.
Yuu had wanted to help Allen; that much was expressly told to him the moment he first met Lavi. But what could have happened to the mysterious exorcist? What could be grave enough to put Yuu not only in such a defeated state, but also desperate enough to contact him, risking himself and his friend so badly?
Adding to that the obvious hunger the Japanese exorcist was going through, it was incredibly difficult for him not to question the boy about his own condition. But it was obvious Yuu wasn't going to be able or willing to say anything about himself until they spoke of Allen, and thus Tiedoll forced himself to focus on the other boy, even though he wasn't the man's main preoccupation right then.
"Where is Allen right now?" he asked, hoping the boy would be nearby, though he had to wonder what it was that he could help with. Were they needing some sort of restricted medicine? "Yuu?" he pressed, once he realized there was no answer coming.
His insides clenched with dread.
Could it be…
No, surely not. And yet, he had to know.
It was terrible to ask. He came here to help his son, to give him a solution to whatever difficulties he was going through, no matter what.
But if what he suspected had happened, then he would never be able to reverse it, no matter how much he wanted to. He would have no answer to the boy, and it would break him apart.
Still, he had to ask.
"Yuu…" he whispered, ever so reluctantly, fearing his answer more than anything. "Is Allen dead?"
The words felt heavy and wrong, but he could not take them back. The General watched his son's reaction carefully, however, and they weren't what he expected. The boy's dark eyes widened with shock at his assumption, and Tiedoll almost felt relieved, because this wasn't an expression of pain and denial, but one of surprise.
"Of course not! He's… he is…"
Yuu's shocked countenance started falling apart slowly, however, his whole posture slackening with defeat, and Tiedoll's silence was filled with askance.
"…he cannot be," Yuu whispered, as if the whole concept was a new possibility he hadn't ever thought about.
"Was he captured by the enemy?" asked Tiedoll, wondering whether this was the crux of the matter. If so, the contradictory answers would make sense, as Allen's fate would be impossible to predict.
Yuu leaned against the tree yet again, feeling tired from the whole discussion. Though his heart still beat fast with the very unwelcome possibility the General just brought about, his body was too exhausted, and he crossed his legs and arms. Despite the restful countenance, however, he still looked tense.
"You could say he has, but not in the way you think. Both Allen and I have gone through the same experiment and the same procedures, so I had expected us to go through the same difficulties. Allen has…" he covered his eyes with his hands, still unable to say it. "Allen has not been feeling well."
"Is it his body? Has he gotten hurt, or sick?"
"No. Not like that. I mean, his seal is gone. The thing you've seen healing me so many times… Allen doesn't have his anymore. He's been hurt far too many times. He was being hurt and using it every day while I was with you. But that is not the matter."
"Then what it is?"
Kanda was suddenly filled with irritation towards his own inability to speak properly. What was the point of putting the general through such trouble, of wanting to meet him so badly, if all he could do was sputter?
He slowly got up from his position in the ground. He'd just say it all openly, and hope for the best.
"Allen has… grown to have a second personality."
Of course, that didn't mean it was easy.
Seeing as Tiedoll had fallen silent at that, he made sure to continue, so he wouldn't lose his line of thought.
"Just… let me explain. He saw memories in the laboratory – I've told you that. It seems, however, that instead of merging with his own memories, they have… been growing into something else. Into a second person." He gathered the courage he needed to stare up at Tiedoll, fearing that the man would ponder about Kanda's own mental health, instead of Allen's. He looked troubled, however, and attentive to his words. Motivated by that, he continued, "I'm not saying I understand what is happening inside Allen's head, because he didn't, either. But he would access his memories every night, in a meditative state. That would stop his recollections from randomly starting at inconvenient moments, and he also managed to focus on the important things that would help us all. He started acting strange as of late, however. He hurt himself once, apparently for no reason, then started wandering around in confusion, and couldn't describe his actions…"
Kanda didn't realize how disturbed and desperate he started looking as he retold what they had lived through, and almost jumped when he felt the general's hand on his shoulder.
"Calm down," he said quietly, "and continue."
He breathed in and out, and nodded, frustrated at his own state. "He stopped being reliable. I had to follow him around, and he would mumble to himself, take strange paths, walk like one who is lost… and put himself in danger, bringing back no explanations. I couldn't stand it anymore. And then, once… after a lot of trouble, he…"
He sighed. Better let it out. "He received a message through a strange machine. A golem, I would suppose, since I have seen how some of those work a few times. It was… a message from himself," he explained, remembering the moment he saw it with Allen, though the latter didn't know it yet. "It looked like him, at the very least. It was a recording of his body that was made in one of his escapades, in a strange place I cannot identify. It said… it said it was going to take over, warned Allen that, from then on, he would lose control over himself. That he would be taken by this other personality."
There was deep silence after that, and the only thing that they could hear was the noise of the occasional insect and Kanda's troubled breaths.
Tiedoll finally spoke, his voice no more than a murmur, but still perfectly audible. "I… must confess I will need a more in depth explanation, Yuu, but I got the basics of it, at the very least. And I know you are worried about your friend, but I must ask… are you going through the same thing? Even if just a little?"
Kanda shook his head. "No. I have started Allen's meditation process, but my recovery was considerably slower and whatever I gathered was too small to consider. While I had to work hard for the smallest scraps of information, Allen would be flooded with them without asking. Our situations were very different."
"I see," said Tiedoll, though he felt it would take a long time for him to truly see anything about this situation, at all. "Do you have any theories about what could be the reason behind what has been happening… to Allen? You said he was losing control over himself?"
"He has already lost. As for the first questions, I have no means to know… that's where I need your help."
"What do you mean, he already lost?"
"The Allen that is with us is not the correct one. He is a stranger, walking in Allen's body. He took over, tried to pretend to be Allen, but his mannerisms gave him away, and no one but me noticed," snarled Kanda, glowering at the ground hatefully, as if he were staring at the other exorcists, instead.
Tiedoll looked slightly doubtful, though he was clearly trying to contain his expressions. "Are you quite sure, however? Do forgive me, but I have never heard of such a case, and though you feel Allen has changed, that could very well because of the difficulties he is going through. What is to say your friend is not merely acting in a strange way?"
Kanda knew he would have to explain much but to this question, at the very least, he had an answer. "He told me so himself."
Tiedoll looked surprised, and motioned for him to continue.
"He… has told me, admitted it. That Allen is gone. He also mocked me, because he knows I won't hurt him. Not when his body is also Allen's. Damn it… General, the signals have been appearing for a long time, but I was too blind to notice them, until it was too late. Please, help me find a way to undo this damage. I can't kill one without killing the two. Even if you don't know more than I do, surely you would have a guess? Surely you would be able to think of, or look for something-"
The general sighed, holding up a hand so Kanda would stop. "There are… only two other answers I can think of," the general decided, and Kanda stiffened in surprise. He'd been breaking his head over the matter for so long, yet the man could already think of two different explanations? Perhaps he had, indeed, knowledge about what happened to them and how it could affect their minds. He was reluctant to feel true hope, but still stared intently at the other man.
"You say you have had access to your own memories, though to a very small extent," started Tiedoll. "Do you have any idea of how long you have been kept sleeping inside the laboratory? How long ever since your… first death?"
Kanda's lips thinned and he frowned in concentration. If his answer could help Allen out, he wanted to say it. But he had seen so little, and the places he had remembered could not be associated with a specific time. More than that, he had stopped trying to access his past ever since he discovered what happened with Allen, and listened to his dire warning during one of the last times they ever spoke to each other.
"I don't know," Kanda admitted with frustration. "The things I saw do not give me a clue of what year it was."
"I just wonder," continued Tiedoll, "about how long the Order could store a person waiting for them to awaken, before giving up on them."
Kanda looked puzzled at that, and Tiedoll also sat down, feeling as tired as the boy. "I don't mean to bother you," he started delicately, "but have you ever seen or known of any of the other Apostles, who had yet to awaken… being disposed of?"
The Japanese seemed caught off guard at that. "No," he denied, "they were always the same. The same names. I would know, Alma made sure to repeat every one of them… but…"
"But you would not know it if one was taken away while you were somewhere else, correct? You boys knew the names only because the scientists told you, isn't that right?"
"Yes…" admitted Kanda. "But I wouldn't think there were so many dead exorcists with intact heads around for them to take there. I have known about one being taken to the cold rooms, but it wasn't to substitute another; he was taken to an empty pit."
"That may be so, but even if they never disposed of any of the sleeping ones while you were there, you had been awake for only two years and a few months. That time may have felt unbearably long to you, but it was short if you consider the whole duration of the Second Exorcist project as a whole."
"Alright. I get it. But where are you trying to get, asking about exorcists being disposed? What does that have to do with Allen?"
He thought Tiedoll had looked old before, but now, he seemed completely bent under the trouble he had to be feeling at what he was going to say. Kanda's hands clenched unconsciously, his blunt nails digging into his crossed arms.
"Yuu… what I mean to say is that, while I am no scientist, I understand fifty years is a long time to keep someone comatose. A very long time."
Kanda felt his heart starting to beat faster, against his will. He didn't like the possible insinuation. "So what? We have been through that… Allen has, at the very least. And we don't know about the others, even Alma. It might have been a normal procedure. Their technology-"
"Fifty years, Yuu. If people could be preserved for so long, it would have been done more than once. It is basically a lifetime."
"What do you mean by that?" asked Kanda, growing defensive.
"There may have been an exception made for Allen, because of who he is. He is a powerful exorcist with a special ability that, from what I understand, no one ever managed to duplicate. He may have taken too long to wake, but I can't imagine people giving up on him. They would have kept him frozen down there, hoping to get whatever advantage they could from him, no matter how long it took."
"So you mean to say… we, the other exorcists, have all been there for a shorter time?"
"Though I may not be part of the project, I know the very idea of it started only twenty years before you woke," he said, and Kanda felt his mouth go dry. "That was a long time before they built the facilities inside one of the worst countries for humans to be in, just so things could be kept quiet. And yet, Allen was there. He must have been put into stasis much earlier, and the project was created as a desperate attempt to use him while they still could. It expanded to use other exorcists, yes, but… do you understand where I am trying to get?"
"You are saying Allen is too old… too old to have a sharp mind."
"He is almost eighty years old by now. And though that age doesn't mean one is incapable, he has spent most of it being preserved by seals, and then inside the underground tanks. Allen's body didn't immediately count with the best technology to make it stable. I am saying… I apologize, Yuu, but I am saying that…"
"That his brain has rotted down there," whispered Kanda, his lips stretched into a mockery of a smile. His hands were now clenching his hair as if trying to rip it out of his scalp, and if his eyes were once angry, they were now filled with hate.
Tiedoll had to force himself to stay still, and not touch him. "I wouldn't use such an extreme word, but… yes. I could be wrong," said Tiedoll, though he didn't sound as if he believed that himself.
Kanda stayed silent for a while, and the general tried approaching him, hating the pain his son was clearly going under. Before he got too close, however, Kanda turned around and vomited most of the food he had just eaten. Tiedoll worriedly tried to steady him as soon as he was done.
"The second one."
"What?"
"That second theory of yours," growled Kanda, roughly cleaning his mouth with the back of his hand and staring at him in a way that was full of anger and desperation. "Spit it out, because the first one is wrong."
The general sighed and nodded, relieved to leave the subject behind. He was starting to regret ever saying what he thought. How could he think Yuu would be able to deal with it? Moreover, he could be wrong.
He would always hope he was.
"The second possibility I can imagine is a purposeful manipulation of Allen's mind. The Chan family created revolutionary medicine and can perform experiments that sometimes feel as if they don't belong to our time, as if they are something from our future. Yuu, the Order has already controlled people's mind, to a limited extent.
"Reborn exorcists, even if with perfectly working brains, would awaken as children and put under torture just a few seconds after dying – or it would feel like that to them. But the Black Order would want perfect soldiers. They tried to perfect the bodies, they would want to perfect the minds. It makes no sense that Alma would have never seen anything, and you would have seen so little. I believe they could have very well manufactured new personalities to overwrite your new ones. It makes sense – have the scientists ever shown any surprise at you awakening without remembering anything but your basic abilities of movement, coordination and speech?"
"No," admitted Kanda, and agreeing that was more plausible. New personalities… empty personalities, ready to accept whatever new orders were thrown at them. No previous life or knowledge to help them to resist or question what they saw.
But still, if that was true…
"Then… am I a second personality, too?"
"There is a possibility, indeed. As of now, I can't confirm whether you went through a memory deletion or actually overwrote… Yuu?" Tiedoll asked worriedly, looking at the other's anguished state.
"Allen told me not to look at my memories," said Kanda with a small voice, "because if I did, Yuu would kill me."
"You would… oh," said Tiedoll, "perhaps he came, then, to the same conclusion. And perhaps… you should heed to his advice, son."
"Is this who I am? Not a reborn exorcist, wronged by the Order, but an artificial personality created by them, and taking away someone else's life?"
"I don't know. We must discover about that, to help your friend. But that is it. Even if that is the truth, you aren't taking anyone's life. Whoever it was before, they died already. It is you who is alive now, and you who must fight."
"Still-"
"If we discover that is the truth, and that both you and Allen are indeed taking away another's place, as intended by the Black Order, are you going to stop trying to help him? Are you going to accept the so called true Allen as the rightful owner of that body and mind?"
"Never," Kanda said with so much vehemence there was no doubt about it.
"Then there you have your answer. No matter what, you will help your friend… so I will hear no more of this self-deprecating speak, either."
"What are we going to do, then?" asked Kanda. "Can you still help me?"
"Of course. If anyone has the details of what you and the other reborn exorcists went through, it is the Order. I never went after more information because it was too dangerous, and seemed like an useless course of action, from a more practical point of view. Now, however, exploring the experiment is our priority. I wish we could have the help of Allen's allies inside the Order, but after what you told me, they also should be kept in the dark, and that only makes the situation more dangerous. Who could I approach to ask about this, I wonder? There is that boy from the Chan family…"
The dark haired exorcist watched Tiedoll as the man thought aloud, and couldn't help being surprised. Not wanting to interrupt, he let the man continue pondering on their next course of action. After a while, however, he couldn't take it anymore.
"General," said Kanda, "why are you doing all of this? I mean… I know you care for me. The fact that you came here proves that. I must thank you for what you are doing. But this is Allen, not me. What makes you so… determined to help?"
Tiedoll turned towards him, and his eyes seemed as troubled as Kanda's own had been for a long time, and the Japanese felt bad at putting the weight of his troubles over the man's shoulders.
"There is a chance this could also affect you, Yuu. This is what moves me the most. If we help your friend, we… assure ourselves that the same won't help with you." The man leaned against a tree, finally tired enough after what had to have been a very difficult day. "And from a different point of view – not mine as a person, but as a general who cares about what happens to us in the next years – Allen is an important figure. Lending him a hand should also benefit us all. So even from a more rational standpoint, this is the correct path to take."
Filled with relief and certainty, Kanda nodded, a small smile on his face. "I see. Thank you, general. If you need anything, please tell me. I've infiltrated cities more than once, so we can communicate, and if there is a point where you think the investigation gets too dangerous… just tell me where to go, and I will."
Kanda thought this would seal their deal, but the general didn't seem pleased with his words. Instead, a frown marred his brow, and the man opened his pack and took some food out of it, handing it to him. Kanda started eating it, more slowly than the first time, and waited, as it was clear the man wanted to say something.
"I am glad we will work together, even if the situation is dire. But do you understand the situation you are in, Yuu? We can't simply communicate by meeting in the borders or inside the cities, as you wish. That would be far too dangerous. Coming here already took much preparation, and that is because I have clearance to cross the borders… but if I go to places I am not supposed to be at too many times, questions are bound to be asked. It simply won't work."
"You will not have to trouble yourself with that," guaranteed Kanda with determination. "You told me, before we parted, that perhaps I wasn't ready for this world… and you were right. But I have grown far more capable than I used to be. I only met Allen months ago, general. I've spent the rest of the time we've been apart living by myself, and have invaded and left cities more than once. I also learned much from Allen after I met him. You just stay inside the walls, and I will meet you – I can be as discreet as needed. I need to invade anyways, to gather medicine and other provisions. Nothing is going to change."
Seeing the older exorcist wasn't convinced by his words, Kanda wanted to insist, but was cut by the general. "Yuu, I believe in you, but the situation you are in now is completely different. I believe in your abilities, but whatever hardships you are used to, they are doubled now. I simply cannot condone such a risk."
"What are you talking about?" asked Kanda. What had changed?"
"Don't you know? Haven't you noticed anything different, when you went in one of your excursions? Haven't you had more trouble than usual?"
"No, I have not," denied Kanda. Tiedoll's words only brought about that time he followed Allen and almost got killed for his trouble, but that had been a special situation. Worried for his partner as he had been, he had also been careless and, in his urgency to enter and retrieve him, he had committed mistakes that had been almost fatal. "I had a difficult fight once, but there was a reason. There should be nothing different, I am telling you-"
"Ah… now that it comes to this, I get to ask you a question that has been bothering me for a long time," said Tiedoll, yet again rummaging around his pack. He easily found whatever he had been looking for – a paper, which he unfolded and turned towards Kanda. "Son… what in the world have you done that resulted in this?"
Whatever he had expected to see in the paper, it wasn't that.
Kanda looked at something he had not seen in a long time – a picture of himself. Battered as he was and in the middle of battle, bloody and ferocious as he fought for his life with the forest as his background, it wasn't hard to know when and where this picture had been taken – the very day and place he had just been thinking about. The day Allen disappeared, disoriented, inside the enemy's walls.
But the picture wasn't what alarmed him the most – it was what was written below it.
He knew what the paper was. It was a standard pamphlet issued by the Black Order, and it should have a mug shot of him, if they had access to one. It was frequently used point out people who were missing, specially criminals. He wasn't surprised in the least that he was listed as one, even though having a picture taken was worrisome. No, what troubled him were the words that defined him as a class A fugitive, and the smaller letters that spoke of matters of recompense and punishment should anyone fail to report him to the authorities.
Kanda didn't understand much of the Order's criminal ranking system. It hardly mattered to them since, as exorcists, they should do their very best to elude the Order, regardless of how they rated you. Whoever wielded Innocence would be high priority for them, always.
Class A, however, was something he had seen stamped only on the picture of another person, during his whole life.
"Yuu, tell me… why have they put you under the same priority as Allen?"
…Troubles never stopped coming.
"I don't know," said Kanda, not even trying to think of the matter. What had he done, but live as any other rogue exorcist? What relevance did he have, that it made the Order as desperate to grab him as it was to get their hands on Allen? "I swear I have no idea. Of what use am I to them, if not as another exorcist? Unless they have associated me with Allen, and want to use me to get to him."
"There are exorcists and officials scanning the continent for you, all around the continent," said Tiedoll, trying to make Kanda understand his situation, and the Japanese froze at that. "You somehow became as important as Allen in their eyes, son. Do you understand what that means?"
"…shit," said Kanda, hitting a nearby tree, for the damn things were the only things he had close by. "I will just have to live through it, then. Allen did so, and I will, also. That's all there is to that. And as for why this is happening… I can't even begin to think of a single reason."
"It is not as simple as that, Yuu," Tiedoll reprimanded sternly. "Allen has always had connections you do not. I am sure that, in many situations in which he should be caught, he counted on his people to let him out. You do not have this advantage. I know you almost got captured the day this picture was taken, Yuu. Don't overestimate yourself."
Kanda snarled at no one, starting to lose control once more. Why, just why couldn't things work out even once? "What am I to do, then? You have already agreed to help, but you also said you can't leave the cities as you wish, and I can't enter, either. So what? I stay here, not knowing of your progress?" He tried to imagine himself for weeks, months, possibly years without news, and couldn't stand the thought. "I can't do it. I trust you, I really do, but I can't stay here walking in circles anymore. I can't!"
"That is not what I'm suggesting, Yuu," said the man, grabbing the other exorcist's shoulder, and Kanda had to refrain from shaking it off, from continuing his tirade, from telling Tiedoll they couldn't do it. "I can help you, but not like this," said Tiedoll, gesturing to the environment around them, "sending secret messages, having secret meetings… no matter how careful we are, this situation won't last for long."
"Then what do you suggest?"
The hand on his shoulder tightened, and the general stood straight. "Come with me. From the very moment I knew I would meet you, I had everything ready. We will need to work on this together, if we are to succeed. There is nothing for you do to for your friend outside the walls."
Kanda's eyes widened at the prospect. That had not, by any means, been what he had expected. So surprised he was, he couldn't automatically deny it, as he had planned to.
Going with the general? Going with him, once more, inside the walls?
He thought of his life outside, and of the terrible wake-up call it had been to be left by himself, naively expecting things to work out, thinking he was powerful to easily deal with the world on his lonesome. The offer was tempting, but also difficult. When would he see Allen again, should he accept? He thought of the white haired boy, and what he would feel and think when he realized Kanda had gone without a word.
Then again, would he ever see Allen again, if he stayed? All he had now was an imposter he could not stand to even look at.
He had been staying still, hoping for news, for information, for help for so long that it had been driving him crazy. Now, the chance he had prayed for was here. He could finally move once again, instead of staying in this hopeless nowhere, this wasteland of a continent.
"Yuu, I don't mean to be insensitive, but I have risked a lot by coming here today," the general said with a reluctant voice. "Please decide soon. What I have arranged will only work if we leave now. We can speak more once we are in relative safety."
Kanda looked at Tiedoll, the man who seemed to have arranged everything for them, for him, without anyone asking for it. He remembered of a time years ago when it would be the same. Like today, Kanda wouldn't know what the plan was and what would come of it.
But they had always been well, and he had learned, then, to trust his teacher wholeheartedly.
Uncertainty slowly left his body, and he felt released from at least part of the stress that had been troubling him.
"Just let me get my things," he said, discarding the remains of the last fruit he ate. The relief on the general's face was obvious, and he could feel a tentative smile of his own. He was finally moving on.
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In and out the needle went, in a pattern known by someone who would sew with frequency. Another piece of cloth mended, and she went for the next one – Allen's trousers, that had an ugly rip on the right knee. Line through the needle, needle through the fabric. In and out. In and out.
It helped her forget the worry and the hunger.
Lenalee had always cared for other people's things. When she had first been caught mending another exorcist's clothes, Allen had reprimanded her, saying that she should allow others to care for their own things. That it wasn't her duty to sew other people's clothes, to prepare their food more often or to check if they needed something too frequently.
She had smiled, and said she didn't mind. And it was true. With her brother gone from her life, she had needed to redirect that need of hers to care towards someone else. Or many someones. It eased the pain in her heart.
She started hearing steps outside, and her heart felt light with hope. This was Allen's side of the encampment. If someone was coming near, it was likely him, or Kanda.
She left the tent to make sure. Just as soon as she passed through the opening, she saw Kanda walking by. Initially, she had expected to feel disappointment, as she had hoped it would be Allen. Instead, she felt almost as happy as if it were. It wasn't that surprising – Kanda had been around for long enough for her to grow to care about him also, and he had stayed too far away as of late – in a place as dangerous as this, and with as little sustenance as they had, a person's absence could have varying degrees of explanations, from a wish to be alone to capture or death.
He stared at her for a while, his form as tired as her own due to the difficult past days, but with a strange but pleasant glint in his eye, and she couldn't help but smile slightly. Even that was a good advancement, when comparing to the look he had carried the past days.
"I see he's not here yet, then," said Kanda, and the voice that once should have displayed at least some worry was absolutely impassive. She nodded, and he just continued walking, now towards his own tent, that was almost falling apart due to lack of maintenance.
She felt guilty at that. She had been so focused on caring for Allen's things that she had neglected Kanda's own. Even if that wasn't her duty, even if Kanda likely wouldn't react well to having his possessions touched by her, a little remorse still made sure to grab at her heart.
She should return to her own place and continue what she had been doing. She stared, instead, at the falling tent, and heard the noise inside as Kanda rummaged through his things. He finally left, his backpack clearly heavier than before, and she froze.
Right then, a great fear took over her heart. She watched his confident steps as he strode away, uncaring about his falling tent and whatever he had left behind. He marched back to the direction he came from purposefully, and she couldn't help but take a few steps in his direction, too.
What was he doing?
"Kanda?" she asked with a voice that was loud and reluctant at the same time. The man turned towards her. His expression didn't seem different from his usual one – serious, and somewhat annoyed, but in a way she had learned to associate with him in a pleasant way.
"What's it?" he asked, seeming a little impatient.
"Where are you going?" Lenalee blurted, and then she corrected herself, "that is… if you want to say."
Kanda had always been quite closed off. Initially, the impression she got was that he was either indifferent to other people, or downright nasty. The only exception had always been Allen, from the very first day she saw them together – where both men donned expressions she would rarely see on their faces. Allen would always be their bridge to Kanda, and vice versa. They looked inseparable, no matter how much they hid it before other people's eyes.
That was what had made Kanda so easily to accept in their midst, a group that initially had trouble trusting each other, much less an exorcist that came out of nowhere, without Allen seeking him first. That was also what had made her so sure that Kanda would always do his best, and never leave – he would stay for Allen, and fight for Allen, if not for them all.
But as of late…
As of late, they had been quite strange towards each other. It was difficult to explain, but their disconnection was worrisome, like the way Kanda seemed to have lost his trust in Allen and questioned him in front of others. Yes, Allen had changed, but was it enough to ruin their obviously good friendship?
As she pondered on that, Kanda's expressionless face lightened up, if only a little, into something pleasant, and she stared up at him in surprise.
"I'm going to look for some food," he said, and continued, before she could protest: "We are going to be of no use if we just die here. I know the place is free from the Order's interference, but that's because they don't want their soldiers to die in the middle of nowhere."
She wanted to protest, wanted to say Allen had told them to stay here, and so they should – but he was right. Their situation was becoming too worrisome. They would eventually have to leave.
"Be careful," she said then, instead of telling him to stay. "As soon as you hit the borders, you run the risk of running into the caravans…"
"I know. Just remember that I can run as fast as you," he said, and then turned his back to her once more. "Take care."
"Kanda," she said once again, enjoying his apparent good mood, "would you like me to come, too? I could help you out, since we are both… fast," she said simply.
His head turned towards her once more. "No need. Just stay here. And take care of… Allen. He's all confident and set up now, but he's not infallible. It won't do for us to lose him again."
"Alright. Thank you so much, Kanda."
He sighed, looking ahead, his back to her. "If I don't come back in a while," said Kanda, "then you guys should leave a message for Allen and depart. It is dangerous to stay here so weakened, for so long. You may not be able to leave, then," he said, and walked away.
She watched him disappear in the forest with conflicting emotions. It was good to have a pleasant conversation with the man once in a while, but it did feel like a goodbye, and she wanted right then to just grab him and not let him go.
But she was also too used to seeing people leave to dangerous places, without being sure they would come back, and doing nothing to stop them. How could she? She also departed in the same fashion many times. Even his leaving words were not uncommon – they always risked their lives, so speaking about the chance of one of them not coming back was a harsh reality that was also a part of their normalcy. So she reigned over her emotions and let him go, reassuring herself that he would be back soon. He would always be, as long as Allen was with them.
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