Chapter Nineteen

The Letter

April 17th, 2005

Olivia looked down at the shopping basket in her arms and then back up at the bag of potato chips on the top shelf in front of her. The red basket was already laden with brownies, salsa, pickles, deli meat, and marshmallow fluff and she highly doubted she would be able to fit anything else into it. But the chips looked so damn good.

She'd been in the middle of folding laundry when a craving for pickles and peanut butter had distracted her and then deterred her task even further when she had discovered they were out of pickles. At first she had been more than willing to ignore it and try to find something else to eat, but her stomach wasn't having it and so she had scribbled a quick note about where she had gone and left in search of the pickled vegetable. However, as it mostly did, her list of cravings had grown on the five-minute drive to the market which explained the current items in her basket and her desire for the one on the shelf in front if her.

Olivia set the shopping basket down on the floor beside her and started to reach for the chips only to find that her stomach was blocking her way. Frustrated she turned sideways and reached up again, but when one of her feet left the ground causing her to lose her balance and almost fall into the shelf she reluctantly decided she would just have to settle for the tortilla chips that were within reach.

She sighed and picked up the basket at her feet and was about to grab the less desirable bag of chips when she felt a hand on her arm.

"Here, let me help you." A blonde woman had appeared at her elbow and was now reaching up to grab the bag of potato chips.

Olivia smiled at her kindness, "Thank you."

"It's no-" She turned around, stopping mid sentence with the bag of chips in her outstretched hand. "Oh, Olivia. I'm sorry, I didn't even realize it was you."

"Kathy, hi..." Olivia replied, embarrassed that she hadn't recognized her sooner.

"You look great. How have you been?" Kathy asked politely.

"Thanks. I've been pretty good, you?" She smiled.

"Fine."

An awkward silence settled between them and Olivia bit her lip, searching desperately to for something to say.

Despite their now entangled lives, Olivia hadn't actually spoken with or seen Elliot's ex-wife in a considerable amount of time. Sure she had dropped the kids off at her house a few times, but she'd never actually had to go in and there had yet to be another opportunity for social interaction between the two.

"Kathy-"

"Olivia-"

They laughed lightly and Kathy nodded at her, "You go first."

Olivia sighed and nervously ran a hand through her hair. "I know we haven't really gotten a chance to talk since all this...since Elliot and I started...what I'm trying to say is that I want you to know that nothing ever happened between us when you were still together and-"

"Olivia." Kathy interrupted, putting a gentle hand on her arm. "It's okay, I know you and Elliot would never do that. Even though it may not have seemed like it, I have always trusted you...I just may have been a little jealous is all."

"What?" She uttered, completely taken aback.

"Oh, of course." Kathy nodded, casually placing the forgotten bag of chips in Olivia's basket.

"Why...why would you be jealous of me?" She asked incredulously.

To hear that the woman who she had always been jealous of, had been jealous of her at the same time was not something that was at all easy to comprehend.

"Well, for one you were and still are stunning."

Olivia blushed furiously at her words and shook her head modestly. "Please, I must look-"

"You're glowing." Kathy said, giving her a warm smile. "I know it's a stereotypical thing to say, but you really do have the glow."

Olivia didn't know what to say and thankfully didn't have to when Kathy continued.

"I also envied you because, I got to see my husband for about four or five hours a day, and that's when things weren't busy or you hadn't caught a case. But you, you got to see him and talk to him and just be around him all the time." She admitted, a sad smile on her face. "I think I would've given anything to be able to spend as much time with him as you did."

Olivia didn't know what to say. In her mind SHE had always been the jealous woman in this odd triangle dynamic that the three of them had shared.

Kathy checked her watch, as if she had forgotten something and looked back up at her with a pleasant smile. "I've got to run. I'm supposed to be meeting someone soon, but it was really nice to see you, Olivia."

"You too." She replied and with a squeeze of her arm and a small wave Kathy was gone.

Olivia stood there for a while, a bit dumbstruck about what had just happened. Eventually her stomach growled reminding her of the reason she had come here in the first place and she made her way to the checkout.

On the short drive home her mind wandered back to what Kathy had said about giving anything to have been in Olivia's shoes. It was something she had never expected to hear from Elliot's ex and was ironically the same way she had always felt about Kathy. At work she would often look at the pictures of Elliot's family that sat framed on his desk and wish with all her might that she could have something like that until eventually she would look at them and not just wish for a family but one with him. Olivia would have traded every single hour she had spent with him in the squad room for just one single day as the woman who he called his wife and with whom he was desperately in love with.

Now as she pulled into the driveway of their beautiful home, she suddenly realized that she had finally gotten what she had always dreamed about. The past few months had happened in such a blur that she hadn't been able to take the time to just step back and appreciate the life that she-they, that they had been gifted with. Sure they weren't married yet, but they would be soon and in a little over a month they would be welcoming their daughter into the world; life was damn near perfect.

Olivia grabbed her bags from the passenger seat and carefully maneuvered her way out of the car and up the two steps that led from the garage into the kitchen. She deposited her purchases on the island counter and immediately began hunting for the pickle spears.

Ten minutes later she had a plate full of peanut butter-covered-pickles and proceeded to happily munch away at them as she finished folding the laundry she had abandoned in her haste to get to the grocery. She was halfway through her snack and the laundry when she heard a set of footsteps approaching and turned around to see who it was.

"That's what you went to the grocery store for?" Kathleen asked, wrinkling her nose at the pickles.

"Yes, and if you have a problem you can take it up with your sister because its her fault." Olivia replied with a smile, pointing briefly at her stomach.

Kathleen just shook her head as she walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water. "Do you need any help with that?" She asked as she walked back over to the table that was half full of folded clothes and half full of yet to be folded ones.

"Sure." Olivia answered lifting a pickle to her mouth only to realize that her craving had disappeared just as quickly as it had come. "You know, cravings are a very funny thing."

Kathleen laughed, picking up and folding a t-shirt. "You don't like it anymore?"

"Nope." She replied, setting the plate on the island to deal with later.

The two continued to fold in comfortable silence for a while until Kathleen held up a baby onesie and started to laugh.

"That's the one Munch made isn't it?" Olivia asked trying her hardest to laugh when Kathleen turned it around and confirmed her suspicion.

As per Olivia's request, there had been no games at the baby shower last weekend and instead each guest had decorated a onesie for the baby. All were in varying sizes so their daughter wouldn't end up wearing all of them in the first couple months and most had a cute phrase or picture drawn on the front in fabric glue. However, Munch who they had found out had absolutely no artistic talent, had apparently decided to use every decorative tool they had provided and the result was a huge, sparkly, multicolored blob.

"I told your dad we should've gotten rid of that one." Olivia said, giving in and letting out a quiet chuckle.

Kathleen frowned and waved it around a little, "Oh come on, it's not that bad."

"If you like it so much then you can keep it for your kids." Olivia said and then added quickly. "That you will be having it twenty years, after you get married, and have graduated from college."

Kathleen laughed, "You sound like, dad."

"Good, I know I'm doing something right then." Olivia joked, winking at her.

They finished folding the laundry in comfortable silence and once they were done Kathleen offered to take one of the baskets upstairs.

"That would be great, thank you." Olivia smiled as they both grabbed a basket. "Oh and just leave Dickie's stuff on the table, he'll see it when they come back from the park."

"I don't know what he finds so appealing about having his room in the basement." Kathleen commented, shuddering a bit. "I mean I know it's finished and everything, but the spiders..."

Olivia laughed at the disgusted look on her face as they made their way up the staircase. "Being on a completely different floor than his three, soon to be four sisters probably trumped having to kill a spider every once in a while."

"I guess that's true." She agreed, nodding her head slightly.

"It's also good for us because when he and your dad come back from the park, like today, I make them shower downstairs so they don't drag their stink around the house." Olivia explained just as they stepped onto the second floor landing.

Kathleen laughed while walking towards her bedroom. "Good point."

Olivia smiled and went to her and Elliot's room first, and made quick work of hanging up his work shirts before moving over to their dresser to put away the rest of their clothing. She was almost finished stuffing socks into his sock drawer when her hand grazed over something that felt like paper in the very back corner of the drawer. Curious, she pulled it out and discovered it was an envelope...addressed to her.

She started to open it, but hesitated. It obviously wasn't meant for her eyes if he had shoved it in the back of his sock drawer...but it was addressed to her and they didn't keep secrets from each other. She un-tucked the flap of the unsealed envelope and removed the single folded up piece of paper from inside. She dropped the envelope on the bed behind her and slowly unfolded the thin sheet of paper that was once again addressed to her in his familiar scrawl.

Olivia,

If you're reading this than I've broken my promise to you and done something stupid again.

Olivia's hand flew to her mouth and she sunk down on the bed as she realized what this was.

I know that I promised you I would never do something like I did back in January again, but I knew there was a chance I might no be able to keep that promise.

It's only been a week since I was shot and I hope to god that if you ever have to read this letter, it will be years from now. I hope that if you're reading this that it's as my wife and the mother of our beautiful daughter, who as of now neither of us has met yet.

Even so, I bet she has your eyes and your beautiful smile. I hope that she hates boys and likes playing football with me and Dickie. I hope that she knows just how much you and I love her and that she thinks you're the best mom in the world. I know you will be, Liv. Despite any fears or doubts you might have, I know that you will be an amazing mother.

I love you more than I think you'll ever know and if you're reading this than it means I wasn't able to spend the rest of my life with you like I had always dreamt I would. But, I need you to do something for me. When the time is right, I need you to move on. I know that if you hold onto me it will tear you apart and the woman who I love won't be there anymore. I need you to do this, Liv. If not for me than for our daughter.

I'm going to update this after the baby is born so as long as I can keep myself out of trouble for a few more months you won't ever have to read this. But after the way you looked at me at the hospital, I knew I couldn't put off writing this any longer.

I'm sorry and I love you,

Elliot

Olivia could barely make out the last few lines through her tears. Her head knew that Elliot was alive and well playing basketball with his son not even five minutes away, but her heart was a mess having never even thought about this before. Sure she too had written a 'just in case letter', but it was a few years old and she hadn't planned on updating it until after the baby was born. To find that Elliot had already written one in case something happened in the few months before their daughter was born...it was just too much to handle.

She let the letter fall from her hands to the floor as she began to cry in earnest. She hated herself for being nosey enough to read it and she hated him for writing the damn thing and leaving it where it would be easily found. After everything they had been through, for her to find a goodbye letter from him out of the blue like this made her question everything.

What if something did happen to him? What if she was never able to call him her husband? How would she raise their daughter without him? What would happen to his kids?

"Hey, Liv! Guess who came home for a surprise-" Olivia looked up as Kathleen, Elizabeth, and Maureen walked through her bedroom door, their eager faces immediately turning into frowns.

"Olivia? What's wrong?" Maureen asked gently.

"I...putting away laundry...found..." Olivia couldn't finish and ended up simply pointing to the letter on the floor.

Maureen glanced at her younger sisters and thanked Lizzie who picked it up and handed it to her before taking a seat on the bed beside Olivia. Maureen only had to skim the first few lines of the letter to understand what it was and would be giving her father a piece of her mind when he got home. He'd obviously left it somewhere that Olivia could have easily come across it and with her being seven months pregnant and extremely hormonal it probably should have been put somewhere out of sight. She handed it to Kathleen who was still standing beside her and wasn't surprised when her younger sister's face grew angry after only a glance.

"God, can he not be more smart about where he puts these?" She scoffed in an angry whisper before giving it back to Maureen.

Kathleen went over to help Lizzie console their soon to be stepmom and Maureen was about to do the same when she heard the front door of the house open and close and her father and little brother's voices traveled up to them. She looked quickly at Olivia who had started to calm down and deciding that her sisters had it covered she quietly made her way out of the bedroom and downstairs to confront her father.

Maureen approached the kitchen where she found them getting water from the fridge and walked straight up to her father. "What were you thinking?"

"Hi, Maureen. Nice to see you too." He greeted ignoring her question.

She held up the letter so he could see it. "Did you not learn your lesson when mom found that one in the end table by the couch a few years ago?"

Elliot's face paled as he recognized Olivia's name written in his own hand. "Shit. How long?"

He didn't wait for an answer as he abandoned his water on the counter and headed for the stairs, Maureen hot on his heels. "I don't know how long, but I got here about two minutes ago and surprised Lizzie and Kate and then we walked into your room and she was bawling."

"Dammit." He cursed quietly under his breath, feeling like an idiot for not having taken care of the letter sooner.

Elliot cautiously walked into their room and if he didn't already feel horrible, the sight before him made him feel ten times worse. Kathleen and Lizzie sat on either side of Olivia, doing their best to comfort her and though he was relieved to see she was no longer crying, her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy and her breathing was still fairly uneven.

"Girls, could you give us a minute?" He asked, giving all three of his daughters a look that meant it wasn't a question.

Kathleen and Lizzie got up from the bed and left, but before Maureen closed the door she gave him the letter and a hard stare. "I know Maur, I'm gonna fix it."

"You better." She whispered as she pulled the door closed.

Elliot deposited the piece of paper on the nightstand beside the bed as he walked over to her. "Olivia?"

She looked up at him, the sadness in her eyes suddenly turning to anger. "How could you even think that was okay? I can't- Elliot- I just..." She trailed off shaking her head.

"I'm sorry, Olivia." He apologized, sitting on the bed beside her; far enough away so she didn't push him away, but close enough that their knees were brushing against each other. "I never meant for you to find it."

"Then you shouldn't have written it." She replied, quickly brushing a hand under her eyes.

Elliot sighed, "What if something did happen and I hadn't written it? I couldn't-"

"You couldn't what?" She interrupted, getting up from the bed and walking over the dresser. "You couldn't leave without saying goodbye so you figured I'd eventually find it in your sock drawer?"

Her voice cracked at the end and as he walked over to her, her shoulders began to shake. Forgoing caution he turned her around and wrapped her tightly in his embrace, placing his hand on the back of her head as she cried into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Liv." He whispered into her hair before kissing her head softly.

"All I could think about was that if something did happen I would never have been able to call you my husband." She admitted between hiccups. "And that I had no idea how to raise a child and...just please, please don't do anything stupid and don't write a letter in case you do. I can't...I can't handle it, El. I love you too much."

"I love you too." He replied, pulling back so he could look into her eyes and as he wiped away a few of her tears he said, "I'm sorry I scared you and I promise I won't do anything stupid or write another letter. I hate that I made you feel this way."

"Don't." She said, shaking her head. "I understand why you did it, but finding it like that...it was just a bit much."

He hugged her to his chest again not knowing what else to say that didn't involve him repeating how sorry he was. They stood like that for sometime before he began to feel her growing tired from the huge amount of energy she had just spent.

"You wanna take a nap?" Elliot asked gently.

"Only if you will too." She replied, looking up at him hopefully.

"Of course." He answered with a smile, kissing her forehead.

Olivia gave him a small smile in return and grabbed his hand, leading him over to the bed. He let her get comfortable before climbing in behind her, resting one arm over her stomach and sliding the other under her pillow. He spent the next half hour that it took her to fall asleep whispering reassurances in her ear and only when her breathing evened out and he was sure she was asleep did he carefully slip out of the bed.

Elliot picked up the letter from the nightstand and quietly made his way over to their bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He dropped the paper in the trash, keeping his promise to her to get rid of it and then pulled out his cell phone from his pocket, dialing a familiar number.

"Hey, Casey. Remember that plan we were talking about at the shower? Yes, I know I wasn't all the way on board then, but things have changed..."

A/N: I am so sorry that it took a whole month for this update. I truly am, but I have been dealing with a lot of family stuff and now that band has started again I barely have a free minute to spare.

The good news, or maybe some of you will see it as bad news, is that this story is wrapping up and should be finished in two chapters. I want to thank all of you again for your continued support despite my erratic updating, especially since this was my first multi-chaptered SVU fic.

Also, I know you guys were probably looking forward to the baby shower, put I just felt like those are always done the same way for any story ever written and I didn't want to try and take on the task of making it my own. Sorry of you were disappointed, but it just wasn't in the cards for this story.

I love you guys to death and thanks for all the reviews and support!

-Katie

P.S. To make up for the huge delay you can message me or put in review a song or songs you would like turned into a EO songfic/one-shot. I can't technically make it a songfic, because the last time I tried to do that I got a message about it being against the rules, etc., however I will use the title and the premise of the song for the story.