7

I sit on the mattress that is loaned to me for the night by the Brotherhood. I stare at the dirt filled floor, unable to comprehend what happened tonight. I feel sick but I drink down more Vodka. I don't even cry because I am out of tears. When dad's cold body fell to the ground, I felt my heart stop and it hasn't beat since that moment.
I can feel go black and become cold. I feel like leaving, going out into the wasteland to die. The only thing that is stopping me is my legs not obeying my demands. Dogmeat whines and looks up at me. Scratching his neck, I lean in and wrap my arms around him. This pain makes me exhausted.
I feel as if I am in this trance and not even thinking about how he died. I just have the leftover emotions that leave me not being able to think.
I break away from Dogmeat. I lay back on the bed. Staring up at the ceiling, I lay my hands on my stomach. I have had almost a full vodka bottle and I feel that it will come back up soon. But until then, I will wait.
Dogmeat lies down on the floor and twitches in his sleep. For some reason I forget to blink I don't even feel the need too. It's as if my body wants me to look up at the ceiling with no drained eyes. For the first time I truly feel alone, there is no one I can trust. In this world, I have no one.
I start to feel the reunion of the half bottle of vodka crawling up my throat. I find the bucket that I brought with me after I bought the booze. I vomit. It burns my mouth. I begin to cry as I cough. My eyes are finally closed for the first time in the while.
I sob and bring my hands to my face.
Where are you? Where did you go? Will I ever see you again?
I take a drink of water and wipe my mouth from the disgusting bile. I lie on the dirty mattress staring at the wall. I know I should sleep. It would pass the time. Then I can leave. Then I could leave to Megaton and stay in my own house for solitude. I curl up in a ball but I am so far away from sleep. This is useless. Nothing will take the pain away. Nothing will bring my heart back to pumping blood through my cold, tired veins.
Maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's the way I was supposed to live the rest of my life, as long as it might be.
I sigh. My eyes are sore; the lump in my throat is making it hard to drink any water, or vodka for that matter. I sniff. Opening my eyes I turned on my side to look for my pack. I grab it and open it. I find the tunnel snakes jacket. All I wanted was for it to be normal, so I could dream about being in the vault. So that it would be like I never left, that he never left.
I put the jacket on. I back inhaling the smell of leather and remembering a time when Butch was fighting me. Pretending I am there, I remove myself from reality and focus on my mind. I remind myself I am okay, there is no pain, and dad is alive.
I walk down the hall to Amata's apartment. When I see her I smile and give her a hug. She laughs at me wondering why I am so affectionate.
"Ok Danny what happened? Did Freddie look at you today?" She teases. But I don't care I am just happy to see her again.
"No. Can't I just be happy to see you?" I ask. She looks at me confused and I think a little concerned. I give a small smile. I have missed Amata for a very long time. She chuckles and shakes her head.
"Whatever, Danny. Want to go play baseball?" She asks. I nod. We walk to the gym that is two levels down. Its gets cooler with every step that we take downstairs.
When we arrive in the gym but instead of getting a baseball, we get a basketball. I dribble over to Amata. I shoot up to the basket. Score!
"Think you can beat me?" a man says. I look over and Amata is gone but Butch is in her place. "Come on, Nosebleed, you couldn't shoot a basket in real life." He says.
"But this is my mind. I can do anything I want like…" I start. He wipes the side of his hair as if fixing it, carefully.
"Like how you brought your dad back to life." He interrupts. I frown and narrow my eyes. I can't even look at him. Why the hell is he here?
"Why are you here Butch? Don't you have something better to do? Besides what are you doing here? I don't want you here." I say. I cross my arms. He laughs. I hate that Deloria laugh, but I can't help but wanting him to continue.
"Whose jacket are you wearing? Exactly, so breathing in the smell of it, you are bound to think of Me." he states. I down uncomfortably.
"And…" he starts. I can hear him walk closer to me. Goosebumps travel up my spine and spread to my shoulders.
"I know what how you have been feeling about me." He says. He curls a strand of hair behind my hair. I shiver. I can hear him chuckle under his breath.
"I know because I am in your head." He breathes inside my ear. I let out a breath of air. He pulls away but is still close to my face. At one moment I think he is going to kiss me but he stares into my eyes. His eyes are so blue that I think he is reflecting ice.
Then I realize he hasn't kissed me because I am unsure if I want him too. My mind is controlling what is happening. Instead of waiting to find out what I want, I run. Pushing Butch out of the way I run to the Living Quarters.
I run to dad's office. I stop when I see him facing away from me. I am breathless. He is here. He is alive. Turning, dad writes some notes on his clipboard. He looks up at me and a smile crosses his face.
"Hey, sweetheart." He greets. I smile and hug him. He chuckles in confusion.
"You okay?" H asks. I don't answer I just close my eyes and stay in his arms. All I wanted to hear was him breathing, his heart to beat and to feel him alive. But my heart is not pumping anything. Nothing has changed. But I don't let that change what I am feeling and that feeling was relax. That everything was okay.
When I open my eyes everything is gone. In fact I am in the room I was loaned for the night. I was back to reality.
My lip quivers and I rip the jacket off and throw it across the room. I cry out. Not only completely sorrowful, but angry and frustrated that he had to leave me. That he had to die.
I can't stay enclosed in this room anymore. I needed to break out to run away from this place. Grabbing the jacket and shove it in my bag, I wake Dogmeat. He groans. But he follows.

I snuck out of the citadel without being seen by Doctor Li or Elder Lyons. When I was a few miles away from the citadel, I realize Doctor Li will be furious knowing that I left. Good. But I have to admit I know she will have to understand.

I was close to Megaton when my Pip-Boy started beeping. I look at it confused and worried on why the screen was flashing. I hesitate what to do. Clicking it on, I give a sigh of relief because the beeping stops. But it went to my radio. I see an option to listen to a Vault 101 emergency distress call. I click it on. A robots voice plays.
"This is an automated distress message from Vault-Tec: Vault 101." I sit on a rock near me to listen to the message. What could possibly happen?
"It feels like you left home a long time ago, but I know you're still out there. I just hope you're still alive to hear this. Things got worse after you left. The new overseer's insane. I changed the door password to my name. If you're hearing this, and if you still care enough to help me, you should remember it." I hear Amata's voice say. I roll my eyes at the last comment.
Amata, how could I forget you?
A cold gust of wind blew off my shoulders, forcing loose strands of hair to flow in my face. I put my hair in a high ponytail. I keep staring at my Pip-Boy. They want my help. They need my help. And when Amata says 'it feels like you left home a long time ago', I nod in agreement.
Well looks like there is trouble on the home front.