Over the next few weeks everything went pretty normally. SGA1 went on three off world missions, all for trading purposes. And they all went smoothly. There were no emergencies and alliances were strengthened, trades were made.

The scientists absorbed their new members and teams were rearranged to accommodate everyone's strengths and weaknesses. Rowan was working with McKay and Zalenka on various city-wide protocols and security measures. All was going well. If only because John and Rowan never crossed paths.

John's team thought he was avoiding the issue. Even though Dr. Weir had them all meet together (without John) and she explained what he had expressed to her, most of the team took Ronan's point of view that he should just face it, go talk to her. Ronan was having a hard time understanding and was finding it harder and harder to keep was starting to lose his patience.

Teyla at first thought that taking it slow was fine, but even she started to feel that John should approach his sister soon.

"I do not understand. I know that John said he needed time. But time for what? What is going to change? He needs to go speak with her. Perhaps we should talk to him about this. We could offer support." Teyla said. She, Ronan and Rodney were all eating lunch in the mess hall.

"I dunno. Rowan is working out really well. I don't want her to leave." Teyla kicked under the table Rodney.

"What?! I mean at first I thought she was a complete freak, just look at her! But you know what? She's like the perfect office mate. She's quiet. She works hard, and she doesn't talk. Did I mention that she doesn't talk?" That got him another kick from Ronan.

"What?! Geez! No, I'm serious! She's like a savant or something when it comes to ancient technology. If I didn't know better, and maybe I don't, but I think she's had access to the basics for a lot longer than anybody thought. We've already moved beyond syncing Earth tech to Ancient tech- she had our systems up to 87% after two weeks of being here. Kavannaugh about lost it when she dumped one of his entire programs off the systems. But it worked, she clearly has a connection to the city, I just know it. I bet she's talking to Atlantis. I know Carson can! And, I think John is WAY more connected to the city than he lets on."

Rodney went on "I mean, Of course I want them to work out their differences. I'm glad that Jeannie and I did. Really I am...I just, I want to finish the project we're working on first...I'd hate to.. OW! Stop kicking me!"

"Who's kicking you McKay? I'll kick their ass!" John smiled as he walked up to his team.

Teyla glanced at everyone around the table before she grasped John's hand and guided him to sit down. "Colonel. John, we are just speaking together of our concern for you."

"You don't need to be." He pulled his hand back, stood up, and walked away.

"Well that went well. Aces, Teyla...JESUS! STOP KICKING ME!" Ronon just laughed and said "He's stubborn. But he's not dumb. We should trust him on this."

Rowan was settling in pretty well. She pretty much kept to herself, she didn't interact with the other expedition members if she didn't have to. Which is pretty much how the last 10 years on Earth went anyway, so it really wasn't that different. Rowan even found that she liked the manic panic presence of Rodney McKay- she got a real kick out of the guy.

Rowan was amazed at everything around her. She was lost in the technology and the city. Rodney was right, she did have a deep connection to Atlantis. Right when she stepped into the gateroom that first day she felt a calm wash over her, she felt an overwhelming sense that this place, this new city was 'home'. The fact that her brother was here seemed like a cosmic joke. She finally felt at home, at peace, after years of wanderlust... and John was here. The person who took that feeling of 'home' away from her all those years ago was living here. It was all too much to feel at one time. She remembered yelling at him, asking what right did he have to judge her, all the old angry sores being pulled open... How could he tell her what she should or should not be doing with her life, how could HE decide, after what he did?!...but she pushed all those emotions aside and worked, and got lost in the warm embrace of Atlantis.

In the days after Rowans arrival, the Colonel stopped taking care of himself, too preoccupied with thoughts of reconciliation or not, with his sister. He would run through talks with her in his head. Different scenarios. He was obsessed over it. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.

His thoughts drifted towards "What if's" and stalled on past regrets.

He was at least self aware enough to know that even though they had been lucky with the past few missions, he was becoming dangerously disconnected to his team.

It took John 42 days to gather up the courage to tell his friends, his Atlantis family about his past. The one he tried to escape. The one he left behind in Earth.

He was so terrified. He thought back to the words Teyla spoke to him on the pier 'In my heart I know...' and in his heart he DID know, he trusted that they would forgive him his mistakes and accept his past as a part of him. He knew that trying to forget his past was futile, it's what made him the person he is today. He KNEW that they trusted him. That they loved him. But he was still terrified.

Well, this day had gone to hell in a handbasket. The mission had started off well enough, they had been visiting an alliance planet, PX-P53, whom they had established good relations with to trade irrigation technology for a chicken-like animal for Atlantis. Man, Colonel Sheppard really loved those Chickeny little birds. The chefs in the mess could make an almost perfect chicken-y pot pie with them back on Atlantis. Those pot pies were worth fighting for. While they were discussing terms for a new trade agreement, an earthquake had hit. Now it had turned into a search and rescue mission.

John was covered in dust. This civilization had progressed to rough stone dwellings and large adobe structures. About half of them had collapsed. Fortunately there was a small quake before the large one that took down most of the buildings. And most fortunately of all, the majority of the villagers were out on a hunt for the chicken-y birds. But about a dozen townsfolk were presumed to be in the rubble and he and his team had searched all day for them. John considered it a blessing that there was only 1 fatality, an elderly man who died from a penetrating wound.

Dr. Beckett and his team were on the ground treating the many wounded. Some severe, some just scratches. The quake had happened midmorning, it was now long past dinner time. Carson came over to John and said "Lad, you look terrible. Is anyone on your team hiding any injuries I should know about?"

"No doc. We were all outside when it happened. We're just scraped up from lifting debris and rubble."

"Ok then son, Head back to Atlantis, that's an order. Wash up. I'll check on all of ye later"

"OK doc. Thanks."

John radio'd for his team to meet up at the gate and in 10 minutes they were all in the locker room in Atlantis taking off all their dusty gear and looking pretty much like they had been through hell.

Of course now would be the time John would decide to open up. Heknew he couldn't take any more stress. The heart achingly sad day, seeing peoples homes destroyed, and the stress of holding out hope all day- thankfully restored- had taken it's toll. He knew he couldn't go another night with the weight of his past on him. Not without at least trying to share his fears with his Atlantis family.

He sunk onto a bench and said aloud "I'm tired guys."

Rodney said "duh. Me too. And I'm hungry. Let's go eat."

"No" John said, "I'm tired of... everything, of this. I don't know if I can...If I can..." and to his horror he felt his voice start to shake, andhis breath hitch.

Teyla quickly sat down next to her team leader and friend and tightly grasped his hand, "John, it's OK. We are here for you."

Her tight grip on his hand transferred some strength to his voice and resolve, "I need to talk to you guys. I'm ready now."

Ronan and Teyla exchanged relieved, but tired looks.

"Now? But I'm ...tired! and ... hungry! and...oh alright." said Rodney "can I get a sandwich first? Then I guess can we all just go sit somewhere for this? I don't think I can stand much longer."

"Yeah, OK" said John. "I'll be in my quarters, come whenever you want."

While Rodney went to get some food, Teyla and Ronan stayed in the locker room after Colonel Sheppard left to go to his quarters.

"What do you think he's gonna tell us?" asked Ronan.

"Truly, I have no idea" Teyla spoke. "Have you been watching him as of late? He is not doing well. It would seem like he is not sleeping or eating, and he is not as focused as he should be. I am glad that we have not had any encounters with the wraith or hostiles lately, I'm not sure he would have withstood the pressure. And I am glad I have not had to talk to Elizabeth about my concerns. I was very nearly going to."

"Yeah, I know. He hasn't been to spar with me in weeks. Well. Hopefully after today, that'll change."

"Ronan, whatever is going on, I suspect this is just the beginning." By now they had lingered at least 5 or 10 minutes, and were ready to follow the colonel to his quarters.

Outside his room, they saw Dr. McKay approaching. Teyla stopped everyone before they rang the chime on his door. "I know I do not need to say this, BUT" she was looking only at Rodney, "but we are here to listen. Now that the colonel is ready to talk, we must be supportive and encouraging friends".

"Hey! I can be encouraging and supportive!" he protested.

"McKay, that's lie and you know it. Just keep your mouth shut in there." retorted Ronan.

"Humph. Fine. But whatever. John is my best friend. He knows me. He knows what I'm like." said Rodney before palming the chime on the door.

The door slid open with a whoosh and they went inside.

The colonel was sitting on his bed and looked like he just walked from the locker room to sink down where he was sitting now. He still looked filthy and hadn't cleaned up any of his scrapes and scratches yet.

Rodney looked at him. He thought John looked terrible. He had spent so much time lately in the labs with Rowan he didn't notice that over the past eight weeks it looked like John lost about 10 pounds, weight his skinny ass couldn't really afford to lose. His black uniform was hanging off him. His face was drawn and pinched looking, more than just today's long day etched into it. His hair was dusty and dirty, and he had little scratches all over his hands and arms.

John looked up at his friends, he didn't seem to notice them at first, and said "Hey guys." His voice sounded rough, as if he hadn't spoken in days and his eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot. His room was a mess. Normally, John kept his room in military fashion- sparse, organized, and clean. Clothes were on the floor, dust had settled. There was a bottle of scotch on the nightstand that was almost empty, and it looked as if John had at some point punched his wall in a fit of anger. His friends didn't miss any of this, but chose to focus on the man in front of them.

Teyla and Ronan pulled over his desk chair and a sitting chair he had in the corner of the room. Teyla pushed one of the chairs over to Rodney, while she sat down next to John on the bed. Rodney and Ronan settled into their chairs across from him, close.

"I don't know where to start guys." John said quietly. They had to strain to hear him, even though they were all sitting close.

"John, we are your friends, your family, you do not need to be afraid." Of course,this came from Teyla.

John had yet to look any at any of his friends. Teyla put her hand on his knee. They all sat there for a few minutes before he said "I'm sorry Rodney, especially to you. I didn't mean to keep secrets. I'm not ashamed of Ro, or ...well. I... Shit. At this point in my lide I've kept these secrets for so long that I don't know how to tell them."

He continued in a quiet voice that they all had to strain to hear, "I, uh. I don't know where to start. Christ."

He took a few deep and increasingly shaky breaths. "I didn't tell you about... any of this... because you didn't ask." He looked Rodney directly in the eyes with that statement.

"What?! Colonel, how would we know what to ask?! Jesus, what the hell are you talking about? What were we supposed to ask? Are we supposed to ask 'HOW YA DOIN'? EVERYDAY or ELSE YOU'LL FALL APART? What the hell? Were we supposed to ask 'HEY COLONEL DO YOU HAVE A MYSTERY TWIN SISTER WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT-"

Teyla interupted ," Rodney-"

But he continued, "No! I know you guys told me to just listen and shut up, but I am not going to lsiten if he's going to put the blame on us. He has been my best friend for a ling time and I am confused, and hurt! And I won't sit here and listen-"

"No, Rodney," John interrupted, "I COULDN'T tell you because, you didn't ASK." He didn't break eye contact with the scientist. John could see when it registered in McKay's mind. Rodney paled, and his eyes got big as plates.

"What?" he whispered. "No. But, no. I mean.. not you! What? Are you SHITTING me?! JOHN, are you kidding? You're kidding right?!"

Teyla and Ronan exchanged confused looks. Ronan said "I don't get it."

Rodney, who still looked stunned, turned and looked to them and said "Don't Ask Don't Tell".

Teyla and Ronan still had blank looks on their faces.

"I'm gay." Whispered John. All the tension and all the fear he had been holding onto, broke through, he broke out into a gasped sob. He put the back of his hand up to his mouth and tried to remain in control. He kept his eyes at his feet.

At this proclomation, Teyla and Ronan also looked surprised. They both knew what gay meant obviously, they just hadn't expected this of John Sheppard. Not in one million lifetimes. They didn't know what to say. Everyone was speechless.

But John went on, "I am a soldier, through and through. Ronan, you understand that right?"

"Damn straight, you're a good one too. I don't care if you're gay or whatever." Ronan said gruffly.

John looked his friend in the eye and said "Thank you. You, you really have no idea what that means to me. You just don't." He was openly crying now, but continued his story, "I am a soldier, I'm a pilot in the Air Force. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be doing exactly what I'm doing right now. This job? What we do everyday? I can't imagine any other life for me."

His friends didn't know where he was going with his story so remained silent. Except for Rodney, "It this what came between you and Rowan? She's a fucking bigot?! Your own sister is a fucking homophobe?!"

John cough and laughed out a choked sob, and said "No! No of course not. She's mad at me because of something I did, a choice I made a long time ago."

John took a moment to take a deep breath. It was clear to the others that there was more coming after this bombshell.

More steadily John said, "When I was 15 my dad found me...making out with another guy, he was a couple of years older than me ... his name was..oh damn, what was it? It was Craig. Craig and I used to fool around in high school, just for fun, you know? When my dad found us...he, uh...he, he didn't take it so well. He beat the ever living shit out of me. Christ, I could take a beating, had in the past, not a big deal, but that day...that was unreal."

John's face looked like he was re-living the past, and he looked haunted and scared.

Ronan said, "I'm sorry you had to have an asshole dad." Ronan was shocked to see this small glimpse into Sheppard's past. When they had been to his dad's funeral, that big house, the extravagance, he only assumed that having so much guaranteed a happy and wholesome upbringing. He knew Sheppard and his dad didn't have a good relationship, but he didn't know it was like that. John had made a joke of a disagreement about schools or something. Ronan decided he was gonna have to talk to his friend about being more honest about things.

John took a big inhale and continued, " Anyway, Ro came home and stopped him, and took me to a hospital then a shelter. I ended up on living on the streets for a year until I turned 16. Rowan had wanted to come with me, but I told her to stick it out at home, but you guys know her a little by now... A few weeks after I had left home she found me in some shelter. She had a duffel with her, and that was it. She stuck by me. She gave up our home, she turned her back on our father, to be with me. And we did OK for that year. We were alright. When we came into our money- (trust funds, Rodney)- , we got an apartment, got settled in time for me to apply properly to the Air Force."

"I never talked to my dad again. Never heard from him or anything, not until I found out he died. Thanks again Ronan for going back to that house with me buddy."

"Sure thing Sheppard." You could have said something, you know?

"Yeah. I know. I'm sorry. I really am." He looked down in shame, then looked up and continued, "Anyway, Uh, I... uh, when I was about 20, I met a man. I had been in the Air Force a few years already. I met him while I was on leave, I met him surfing in Hawai'i. He was so beautiful, and he was nice to me, and he thought I was funny. He...he, I mean we, we fell in love. Honest to God we fell in love. God, it sounds so cheesy, but I loved him so much. And he loved me. He loved...me. He knew I was in the Air Force. He understood that. We were going to make it work. I thought we could..." With a strangled cry, he had to stop his story for a moment as he gathered his thoughts again. "I'm sorry guys. I don't know why I'm falling apart here. Just gimme a minute."

"John," said Teyla "if this is what you needed to tell us. You need not worry. I am not averse to the idea that you are attracted to men, I am sure none of us are-"

"Just let me finish, ok?...I just need a sec." said John holding up his hand. A few moments later he continued.

"We were together almost 10 years before things fell apart ." John said.

Rodney just muttered "stupid fucking government needs to keeps it's laws in it's own bedrooms...jesus."

"Ten years...Oh John..." Teyla grasped his hand.

"Lemme finish guys, if I stop telling this...I don't think I'll ever do it." he said quietly.

Determinedly he went on, "When things went FUBAR in Afghanistan, I was missing for two months. I went into enemy territory after my team and Holland. I got caught, my team got caught and was mostly killed, Holland died...out of six, two of us came back...and I got a black mark on my record." John had a haunted look on his face but struggled on, the words coming out as if it were painful.

"Coop, that's his name- Cooper... well, no one had notified Coop, no one could. I was only supposed to be gone two days and I was gone fore two months. No one knew about us. So he had to learn from Ro that I was missing. I'll never forgive myself for putting him through that. He couldn't contact my superiors or anyone in the Air Force, so he just had to sit and wait. By himself."

"After I was found, the Air Force put me on forced leave for two weeks with an option for an early honorable discharge... I went home to Coop and he looked even worse than I did. When he found out I wasn't going to take the discharge, but go back, he...he didn't understand. Fuck...he got so mad. That decision, that choice I made, to come back into the Air Force, that's what finally...made him leave me. "

"He said he could never live through another period like that, when I was missing. He left me, because he didn't want to see me die, or hear about me being killed from Rowan. He didn't think all the sacrifices we had to make were worth it."

John looked down at Teyla's hand that was within his own and took a deep breath. "After he packed up his stuff and left, I drove around for days. I didn't know where I was going until I was there. I drove all night and all day and ended up at my father's house. It was empty. The house was shuttered up- he must have been traveling overseas or something. It didn't matter, I didn't want to see him. I don't know. I broke in, emptied out the medicine cabinets and tried to kill myself there. I would of just shot myself, but I didn't want anyone to have to clean up after me." He let out a strangled laugh.

John looked sadly up at his friends, they all had tears in their eyes. He quickly looked away. He was so ashamed. "I uh... I uh, I woke up in the hospital. I have no idea how or why Rowan found me. She said she knew. She knew she had to go home, that I was there. She had driven down from where she was living at the time- in the middle of the night- and she found me. I uh, apparently, I died two times that night. Once in the ambulance and again in the emergency room before the doctors were able to purge the drugs out of my body. It was a few days before I was lucid and remembered what happened. I freaked out that the Air Force would find out what I did, but Rowan- for some reason-had given them a false ID, she knew I'd have gotten a psyche discharge. She wanted to know the whole story before anyone decided anything for me- she was looking out for me...again."

"And then...and then, I let her down too, just like I let Coop down. I couldn't give up my life in the military. I just couldn't. I wanted to go back into the Air Force. I chose to come back, even after everything that happened. I lost Coop, so I figured where else could I possibly go? What else could I lose? Well, that's when Rowan left me too."

He dropped his face in to his hands and just sat there taking in big shuddering breaths. "After I woke up in the hospital and I let her know I wanted to come back, she never came back to see me. I don't think she can ever forgive me for what I did back at our dad's house. She had found me, saved me, and I still turned my back on her. Can you blame her? Christ, I'm such a fuck up. I never saw her again until she came here."

John sat with his face towards the floor, he was taking in shaky, hitching breaths. "You guys understand now? You see why she can't stand the sight of me? Look how I treated her! Look how I treated both of them. I loved them both so much, but I pushed them away. I...I don't know what to do."

He stood up now, and was becoming agitated. "Do you know what it's like? Do you know what it's l ke? To have to lie EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE to people you care about about WHO YOU ARE? To not be yourself? To lie all the time! I'm not me! I'm not me! I'm on FIRE! I can feel it, I can feel it here-!" John was clutching at his shirt and pounding his fist against his chest, "I can feel it BURNING EVERYDAY, every moment! I can feel myself burning up from the inside! It's not ME! This person that you think you know, it's NOT ME!" John was spiraling out of control. His breathing was erratic and his eyes wild.

Ronon looked at his friend and and felt defeated. How could he possibly understand what the Sheppard had been going through his whole life? Ronan figured his existence was pretty simple. He had friends, he got to fight the wraith, he was good. He couldn't imagine have to keep such a big secret from everyone you loved. Sateda had gays of course. He figured the universe was pretty much the same everywhere as far as people were concerned. There would always be hateful people, people who looked down on and judged those who were different, but Ronan didn't really have time for that. The wraith had wanted to kill every human just the same , gay or not. So on Sateda, as long as you could fight, it was never an issue, not with him anyway. There were the people who made it an issue yeah, but those guys were idiots. But thinking on it...yeah...ok...the gays on Sateda weren't really as well respected- even if they did fight good, even if they were strong- the people who chose to bed with the same kind- were kind of shunned. He never gave it much thought, and now it made him sad. And he knew of violence against them too... turns out people were the same on Earth he guessed.

He looked at his friend and said "I'm sorry. It must be hard. But you don't have to do that with us anymore. Not ever." Those were the only words he could think of and felt a little stupid. He didn't know how to help. He prayed in his mind that Teyla would make it right. That she'd have some comfort for his buddy.

Teyla's thought were running much the same as Ronan's. Athosians were a family oriented people- their entire value was placed in fighting the wraith by continuing to live on - on passing down their culture the only way they could- through family. So even if you were drawn to the same sex, you married and had children- it was your duty. But, these 'forced' unions (people were never truly forced, most felt a duty to have children) were never happy. Inevitably, the mother's family would take on caring for the children if the husband and wife chose to live apart- which happened more often than not, even if it was the mother who was gay. Her people were not a hateful society, there was never any harm done to gays, but still...they were considered...different. She herself had not really tried to get to know, truly well, any such person, and for this she was now feeling much shame.

Both Ronan and Teyla understood that for the people from Earth- it mattered where you came from, which "country" you were from- some were kinder to gays than others, but essentially it was the same for them everywhere. They knew that the Atlantis Military code for the US Military, including Colonel Sheppard's Air Force, that while they were allowed to be members, they could not discuss or act upon their natures. Whether this was a kindness or cruel, was up for debate. Colonel Sheppard would lose his job if he were truthful and spoke about himself, they both understood this now.

What none of them could have ever conceived was how hard this might be for someone. To have to hide yourself from your friends, family, and peers.

To live a lie.

Colonel Sheppard was one of the strongest, fiercest, kindest men any of them had ever met- and looking at him now, seeing the agony that this secret had wrecked upon his life, was truly heartbreaking.

Rodney, Teyla, and Ronan all looked wide eyed at each other. Sheppard was not doing well.

John started to pace and began speaking again, he sounded confused. "I was OK you know? I made my choices. I can't be both, I can't have both. I can't have my own life and fly for the Air Force. I knew it going in, and I know it now. Coop knew it too. I'm the one who fell apart and tried to...tried to... I can't blame anyone but myself for what's happened. I can't blame Coop for leaving. He gave me ten years of his life, and they were the best years of my life. How can I be sad about that? I wish I had more time with him, but I chose the Air Force over him- I can't blame him for leaving me. And after what I did...when Ro found me...I can't blame her either. It was cowardly and I was going to leave her alone. After all she gave up for me, as many times as she saved me... I still chose this life. I CHOSE THIS LIFE!"

John was getting a little hysterical now. His pacing increased and he started yelling. "I was doing OK! I WAS! I was alone and I was doing just fine! THEY left ME and I was helping people! I am helping people, THAT'S MY JOB! I'm just a soldier! It's my job to help others! I can''t BE anything else. I can't! I don't know how to be anything else! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Do you?! My life isn't worth it, he gave us up- it's meant to be given up! I'm fucking expendable. So It's FINE they left me, they'd have lost me sooner or later. Why couldn't she have JUST STAYED AWAY! I WAS FINE! AND SHE WAS SAFE and I wouldn't hurt them again!" John had totally lost it by now, he was shaking and weeping, and his voice was ragged.

Teyla looked to Rodney and begged him to ask Dr. Keller to come. Teyla thought Dr. Keller would be more discreet, especially if Rodney asked her to be. She knew she had a soft spot for the scientist. "Rodney, you must call Jennifer here, John needs to rest. He must rest, or he will do himself a harm."

Rondey looked stricken. This was not his area of expertise. People, feelings, ohmygod whatdoIdo...but yeah, Sheppard was obviously having a panic attack. "Ok, ok , yeah. Lemme caller." He paused a moment before holding his finger to his earpiece, "Jennifer? This is McKay...yeah...Jennifer, I need you in Colonel Sheppard's quarters, now! NO!NO! Don't bring a team...just you. Yes yes, he's fine. JUST YOU. OK? Promise? And um...he's gonna need a sedative...yeah. No no no, I promise he's OK. Just get here OK just get here NOW! Please? OK OK..."

"OK, she's coming." he said. Rodney didn't know what else to do. He always, ALWAYS made things worse in situations like this. Ronan was right, he just needed to keep his mouth shut.

Colonel Sheppard had stopped pacing and was now trying to sit down on the bed, but he was too agitated, and kept standing back up again. His breathing was coming fast and shallow and he looked pale. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for what I did. Rowan was so MAD, she was so MAD. I'm so sorry, so so sorry...I tried, I really tried..I tried so HARD! I tried to be who they wanted! I tried so hard! But dad said...dad said... I tried so hard to be normal for him..." It appeared John was completely unaware of his surroundings and the presence of his friends now. Ronan was trying to hold onto him, to keep him still, but to no avail. His legs collapsed beneath him and he pulled Ronan down to the floor with him. John continued to rant, at times quietly, then he'd shout again, ranting basically nonsense rooted in the past. It seemed an eternity before Dr. Keller chimed the door.

To her credit, Dr. Keller didn't bat an eye. She was focused only on the Colonel. "How long has he been like this?"

"Just a few minutes Dr. Keller. The Colonel has had a trying few weeks. I believe he just needs to rest."

Dr. Keller looked up at the people around her, eyes filled only with concern and worry stared back at her. She also took in the state of the Colonel's quarters. Clearly the man was frayed. And yes, he needed rest. She trusted SGA1 to take care of each other, and she didn't think they were trying to deceiving her.

"OK," she said, "I'll sedate him. Can I trust you guys to stay here? He'll need someone with him at all times in case he goes into distress. I'm pretty familiar with the Colonel's physiology so I don't think they'll be any problems, but he's in a pretty agitated state right now."

She stood up from the Colonel who was now balled up on the floor, clenching his shirt with one hand and beating the floor with his other hand. Her bag was on the table and she told Ronan, "Ronan, I'll need you to help me get access to his shoulder, it's the best place for the sedative to go in." She had a small syringe in her hand and cautiously approached the Colonel. He didn't seem to notice her approach.

"John? John? Do you hear me? I need to see you face, ok? Can you look at me?" Jennifer was using a calm quite voice.

John didn't respond. "OK, I need you to help me keep him still for a second Ronan."

Ronan knelt down on the floor next to his friend and gently grasped his shoulders. "Hey, buddy. Sheppard...you need to keep still. The doc's gonna help you."

All of a sudden John became aware of what was going on, and he didn't seem to care for the direction things were going. "What?! NO! nononono..Stay away from me. I don't want to go to sleep! I gotta go find him! I gotta go find him. I gotta go tell him I'm ok. I gotta go. I need to go! LET ME GO! He left. He left. He left and... and I NEED TO GO FIND HIM AND TELL HIM I'M OK! I NEED TO GO! LET GO OF ME!"

Ronan sighed. Looked like they were gonna have to do it the hard way. He wrapped his arms around John and dragged him back so he could lean against the wall while holding on to him. John was kicking and screaming the whole time "NO!, lemme go, I want to go find him... he'll come back, I just need to go find him...Cooper? Ro?! Ro! RO! They're gonna make me sleep... Please, PLEASE , where..." Jennifer had quickly administered the drugs just as soon as Ronan had the Colonel up against the wall.

It took about 5 secs for it to kick in. John slumped against Ronan and his breathing slowly evened out. Ronan, very gently, lifted him up and placed him on the bed.

"JESUS what did you give him?!" Rodney exclaimed.

Right at that moment his door swished open. None of them heard the door chime, so everyone quickly turned around. Rowan was standing in the doorway. Her silhouette outlined in the doorway. She stood there for a moment, no one said anything- she wouldn't understand them anyway. She took two steps into the room, her eyes locked on John's still form. She stared at him for a few moments. At first her face showed nothing, but for a fleeting moment everyone saw a look of fear, then great sadness pass over her features. A second later, she fled the room.

The door swished closed after Rowan had run from the room.

Dr. Keller stood up slowly. Jennifer was thinking that she wasn't sure if she wanted to know what was going on. Rondey had very specifically asked her to come alone, so she figured SGA -1 was into something against Atlantis regulations or it was something personal. She definitely was leaning toward the latter. She had a lot of respect for every member of this team. She stood looking at Ronan, Rodney, and Teyla- all three of them looked shell shocked and worn out. She decided she would take the direct approach.

Jennifer spoke up "I need you to tell me if he is a danger to himself or anyone on base."

Without hesitating Teyla resonded, "No, Dr. Keller, he is not. We will stay with him. He is simple exhausted. The stresses of the last few months have taken more of a toll than he thought. I am sure this rest will benefit him greatly."

Jennifer knew this was obviously only a half-truth...but...she also knew that if Dr. Weir or his superiors in the military found out about an episode like this, it would force the Colonel down a path he may not be ready for.

"OK," Jennifer started, "I don't believe for a second that it's as simple as that- " the other began to protest obviously afraid she was going to call in Dr. Weir or worse, Dr. Heightmeyer ..."BUT! I trust each and every one of you. Rodney, you asked me to come here alone, and I did. I will keep this to myself for now. I would like one of you to come and tell me everything that you AND Colonel Sheppard need to tell me about how he is going to deal with this, and if he is able to- exactly what 'THIS' is, within 48 hours. Do I make myself clear? "

Rodney let out a deep breath, "Yes, Jennifer. THANK YOU. Thank you. We will, I promise."

"Yes Jennifer, thank you very much for your discretion, and for your trust in us- we will help him." said Teyla.

Ronon said, "yeah."

Jennifer let out a small sigh. "Alright. I'm going to go now. He should sleep for at least 4 hours. Let me know if you need anything else." She walked out the door and back to the infirmary to finish her shift with her mind full of questions.

Silenty, Ronan, Teyla, and Rodney gathered around the sleeping Colonel. Teyla and Rodney sat in the chairs close to the bed, while Ronan sat on the floor. Suddenly Teyla stood up and went into the cathroom. She came back out with a warm, wet washcloth. She bagen to gently clean the dirt and smudges from his face, neck, and arms. She sniffed quietly as she did so.

"I had no idea. What kind of friend am ?" Rodney was looking with wide eyes at his friend.

"Rodney, none of us knew." Teyla put her hand on his.

Everyone sat in silence for a few minutes. Teyla had her hand resting on the colonel's arm, gently stroking it. Ronan had his arm draped over the colonel's leg. Rodney seemed to collapse in on himself and was hugging his arms to his chest.

"Do you think he'll be OK?" he asked.

Ronan answered, "yeah, he's strong. He'll be OK. Once he makes up with Rowan, that'll help. You all saw her face. She still cares. She's just mad."

Teyla wondered aloud, "I wonder...do you think she felt his distress? Like the night that...the night he...the night he tried to kill himself?"

"Yeah" said Ronan "I've heard of twins doing stuff like that. And I bet Atlantis told her too."

Rodney was surprised that Ronan said that but he agreed. "Huh. I bet you're right."

Teyla smiled at Ronan, she always knew the big Sateden was far kinder and gentler that he let on, and apparently, more insightful as well. "Yes, Ronan, I believe you are right- on all accounts."

After a few minutes Rodney left to get his laptop. Teyla went to get some food for everyone as it was approaching midnight and Ronan settled in to watch a movie on John's computer. When John awoke, they all wanted to be sure he would not be alone and none of them were willing to leave.

(AN HOUR PREVIOUSLY)

Rowan was in an unused part of the city (power was inconsistent there, and not ample enough to power up any of the labs) in a large room she had converted to a gymnasium of sorts. She had taken to going out there everyday to work on her martial arts and exercises. She had a tendency to blast any music she might play as loudly as her speaker system would allow- until she could feel the beats in her body. It made it uncomfortable for others to be in the room, which was just as well to Rowan.

She had scrounged around the city for extra supplies and materials and she had built herself a pretty good rec room. There was the impressive surround sound stereo system, which she currently had playing music from her ipod, the floor was somewhat padded, allowing for good grip when she practiced her martial arts and kick boxing, she had found a rack for a staff and bantos rods, a couple of punching and kicking dummies as well as a short bench to rest on.

She was currently beating the boxing dummy into a bloodless pulp, each punch reinforced by the anger that had filled her since she stepped foot on Atlantis. She hadn't given herself any time to really think about the situation she now found herself. She'd been too busy working. She would never admit it to anyone, but she loved her new job. Her new home. Atlantis. Pegaus Galaxy. John.

John.

John.

It was that night, so long ago, when she found him, that she had lost her 'home'. Her comfort, her tether, her grounding. She felt so betrayed by John's suicide attempt. So much anger that she couldn't move on, refused to. She was NOT going to give him the chance to leave her again. For 5 years she tried to forget about him, to piece together her heart again after he had broken it. She knew deep, deep down that she should help him. That she should forgive him...she wanted so badly to feel grounded again. To feel the connection they had so many years ago, before ...before everything came crashing down.

She was so lost in memories of the past that she at first didn't notice the pull on her conscience. It felt like it did that night, the night she had found him lying on the floor, barely breathing. Her mind was replaying the memory over and over as she beat, kicked, and punched the dummy. She was sweaty and breathing hard. She tried to refocus her energy, but the pull persisted. She stopped mid kick. She lowered her leg and stood still in the middle of the room. She closed her eyes and silenced the thumping music. And she felt it. She felt John's presence in her chest. She felt an overwhelming despair and a confusions of emotions. Fear, shame, loneliness ... She knew it was John. It felt like that night. She was feeling it again.

In that instant, 5 years of anger were forgotten.

She asked Atlantis to show her the way.

Please take me my brother. Please. Take me to him. I can't let this happen again. Please forgive me John. Please.