John's team had another uneventful mission in the morning. John and Ronan had provided their presence on a diplomatic mission, requiring their "bodyguard" skills. The diplomat had been an officious, little toad of a man, and it was all John could do to keep him safe from Ronan- who wanted to stun him within 5 minutes of meeting him. Colonel Sheppard agreed it would have made the 6 hour hike through mountainous terrain more peaceful, but he argued that it was easier to let the ninny walk on his own rather than have to carry him fireman style. But even he had to admit that his nerves were worn thin by the end of the day.

Teyla spent the morning in meetings with Dr. Weir. They were working on the ever-evolving list of allegiances that could be strengthened- how and when. Telya spent more than a few minutes deflecting Elizabeth's none too subtle hints at gossip regarding Telya and the Major, to which Teyla just smiled and continued on with business.

Since Rodney was neither brawny nor diplomatic he spent the day as he loved best- in his labs arguing with Rowan. They were working on a total analysis and breakdown/translation of the Ancient database- Rowan was in favor of taking it apart section by section and translating it slowly. Rodney was trying to focus on only certain functions- mainly energy use. He argued that he knew from his experiences living in the Pegasus Galaxy that there was a certain URGENCY to their work- to which Rowan, in response, believed that being cautious and thorough was all the more important. In the end they compromised and decided to split their workload, Rodney to work on what he deemed to be "priority" functions and Rowan to do the nitty gritty detail review and breakdown section by section.

When Ronan and John finally returned from their mission, John called over the comm to see who was interested in a Team Night. Everyone enthusiastically chimed in and agreed to meet in Teyla's (the cleanest and nicest smelling) room for movies and pizza.

A few hours later John's team were all situated in Teyla's room, sitting down to pizza and carrot sticks (thanks Teyla.)

"So John, where's Rowan?" asked Ronan.

"Ask McKay. I haven't seen her since yesterday." John stated.

Rodney, who had his mouth full piped in, "Ohmpf, she'ssf comingpth."

Teyla smacked him on the arm, "Rodney!"

McKay took a moment to chew his food glaring at Telya, "...What?! Geez. She's coming alright?! She just had to finish running a few simulations."

At that moment, Rowan herself chimed in at the door. Teyla went to let her in.

As Rowan settled herself onto the floor next to John and across from the others, she grabbed a slice of pizza and tried to look in on the conversation as best she could. John had his hands full with pizza, so was only able to translate about 75% of the conversation. Rowan didn't mind. It gave her and excuse to space out a little, it had been a stressful day of butting heads with Kavannaugh. That man was smart idiot, the most annoying kind. It took all her resolution today not to hitch him over a balcony.

She considered all that had changed in the past few months. She had gotten closer to John, almost like before his suicide attempt. She found that his sense of humor was still the same, but he seemed more quiet than he used to, more subdued. She couldn't really imagine how hard his struggles to hide himself had been for the past 20 years. 20 freaking years.

She thought back to the time John had met Cooper. John had been 23 years old. Rowan knew those ten years that they were together had been the best years of John's life. They always lived together, but because of DADT John kept Cooper separated from his Air Force life. When they were home together in the evenings, they moved around each other like planets in orbit, always sharing small touches, domesticity came easy to them both. They were also disgustingly romantic and passionate, and loving. Rowan missed seeing John have that, a companion. Soulmate really.

Rowan had gone to visit John and Cooper at his various postings as often as she could, three or four times a year (even overseas), and each time she was amazed at how well Cooper handled it all. He'd get a job at the closest airfield, never complaining about picking up and moving every two or three years- just happy to be with John, having a life together, even if it was just them. When John went missing for those two weeks...that experienced changed Cooper too. No one had been able to notify them of what had happened to John, and she had only seen Cooper after they found out, and after he had left John. He was thin, and had aged about 50 years in the five months she had seen him last. John always contacted him before and after he left for missions, flights, anything. So Cooper had known something was wrong. And in his heart, he know John was in mortal danger. That's just how it was with him and John. And John had come back to him broken. And John decided to go back in, and he left.

John was so different before all that. This John, the Lt. Col and Acting Military Commander of the Atlantis Expedition was the same in determination and ethics, and his superficial fly-boy persona was the ALMOST the same, but his disposition was closed off, private. Back then he was just more...open. Maybe it was the wraith, maybe it was the Afghanis, getting older...maybe it was just too much in the BAD TIMES column and not enough in the FUN TIMES column. She didn't know. But she wanted to try and get her brother back a little of the lightness he used to carry.

She sighed. John looked up quizzically at her. The rest of the group had been telling each other about their day- John and Ronan won for most hilarious retelling of trials and tribulations. Ronan was a surprising game actor and mimicked the voice and mannerisms of the diplomat to great hilarity.

There rest of the team noticed her pensive mood and look to her, trying to prompt her into sharing what she was thinking.

Ronan signed [What's up?]

Rowan thought long and hard about whether to bring up her thoughts. Finally, she decided that John's new family was becoming her own as well. Slowly, but surely. And after being on Atlantis this short time, she knew these calm nights were more rare than the Oh Shit, We're All Going To Die nights. She missed seeing John as he used to be. She desperately wanted to see even a glimpse of the old John, the one before Atlantis, before Afghanistan, before Cooper and he split up. And she wanted John to be able to think back to those times with fondness as well. Knowing him, she knew that he had simply buried it all down. Very deep in a closet (if you will), and she figured it was time to honor what he had and who he was, hopefully who he could find again, by sharing it with these people.

John was very pointedly looking at the floor. Rowan figured if he was going to get upset, then he could leave, but she was going to share his past with his friends, because they deserved to know what he had sacrificed for her, for them, for Earth...

[What's up Ro?] asked John.

[I just want to tell them a little bit about how you used to be. With Cooper and before all the bad stuff happened. I wish they knew how happy you used to be.]

"[Hey, I'm happy!]" he responded with not a little bit of defensiveness.

Teyla snorted a very unladylike snort and Ronan said, "Bullshit".

Ronan expounded, "You're kinda happy Sheppard. You're happy to be here, doing your job, and with us. But you're alone too much. You have never tried to find yourself happiness buddy. You do deserve it, you know? You know that right?"

John looked down at his feet. Damn. Ronan was too insightful for his own good. John kind of whispered, but his friends heard him- "[I really don't guys.]" Before any of his friends could voice a protest, he shook his head and soberly said, "[I'm ok Rowan. I'll tell them about all that stuff. A little bit about what my life was like before Atlantis, if you want me to so much. I just don't know what difference it will make.]"

Teyla smiled as well and looked to Rowan as she said "Thank you Rowan, I would very much like to hear about Cooper and John. Believe it or not," she said with a glare to John, "We know almost nothing about John's family- clearly, since we did not even know about YOU! I have know your brother for 5 years and as much as I can recall, he has only shared that your mother passed away when you were young, and that he always knew he was going to be a pilot. That is it." John did translate all this for Rowan.

He had the good Rowan to look a bit sheepish, and said "[Aw come on guys, it's not like I was one to talk about this stuff with anyone...ever! And it's not like we all have traded life stories anyway!]"

Rodney, piped up, "Hey I told you guys about Jeannie and our crap relationship and you guys are all up in my business about getting with Keller... "

and Ronan said "And I told you about Malena."

Teyla chimed in with, "And John, you know of my childhood love, Kanaan, and now- possibly- Major Lorne..." John continued to translate what his friends were saying for his sister.

John laughed, "[Alright, alright, I get it. I need to share more.]"

Rowan signed, [I miss see John and Cooper...together. Both too handsome and charming for their own good and safety.]

[I am not translating that. You can type that shit out on your fancy keyboard there buster.] John signed redfaced.

Rowan quickly typed into her tablet and showed it to everyone in the room.

Everyone laughed. Rodney broke some of the tension in the room by saying, "Oh my god- you should see how many women throw themselves at Colonel Crazy Hair over here! It's totally not fair! He can honestly say his charm is universal. Literally. ugh." He signed [Women throw John floor gross always].

Rowan totally got the gist of what he was trying to say and raised one pierced eyebrow at this, [You just can't turn it off, huh John.]

John smiled, "[Well, women (shudder), not exactly my type. But, I can't help it if my boyish charm woos them.]" He continued, "[Well...what do you guys want to know? I already told you how we met.]"

Teyla said, "Tell us a little more about him."

John's face relaxed and his eyes began to shine, "[Cooper? Well, he was...he was, he was just the best, you know?]" John said, "[We met at the airplane hanger, and I'd hang out that week I was on leave, the week we met, and I'd just sit and watch him work. From the very first time we met, we were comfortable with just each other's company. I didn't' feel nervous, I didn't feel like I had to talk, or make chit chat or hit on him, I just felt like this is where I wan to be. Next to him.]"

"[The first day I met him, I had gone to go rent a plane to fly for fun, and they told me all the planes and airstrip time was taken for the day. I just wanted to be around airplanes, honestly, so I asked if I could check out their fleet. And since I was Air Force, they let me look around. And well, it was like lightning. I saw him and thought 'Please let that man like men. Please GOD let that man be gay.]" All of the Colonel's friends laughed.

"[So, I - as casually as I could stand it- walked over to him. And guys, I'm dying in the inside. I think there is no way I can hit on this guy. Then, get this, he says to me, I swear, 'Please, if there is a god, you are gay.]"

Everybody roared with laughter, "[No, not really?]" exclaimed Teyla.

"[On my mother's honor.]" said John. "[I said, 'Yup.' and he said 'Cool,' and that was it. I guess it might have been kind of weird to other people, 'cause I was just this stranger that started hanging out at this hanger and me and Coop, we just got along from the very first.]"

"[So for the week I had left of my leave, we got to know each other. In the mornings I'd bring him a coffee- he drinks even more than you McKay- and I'd help him with jobs at the hanger. And then in the evenings we'd go surfing or play pickup volleyball games on the beach ("That is so gay" said McKay). Well, yeah, McKay- can't really help that I like to do gay things on occasion. And I already told you how I asked him to move out to base with me- more gayness there Rod, sorry.]"

"[That was the start of the very best time of my life (aside from with you guys, of course)]" John said with a sigh.

"Hey!" said Rodney, "I think we have some pretty good times here too you know!" he said, pretending to be affronted.

"[You want to have lots of gay sex with me McKay?]" John asked.

Rodney gagged.

"[OK then, sex puts those days SLIGHTLY, ahead of the fun times we all have here]" John said with a grin, "[not that space vampires, Genii asshats, and mutated micro-robots don't' thrill me.]"

Rowan smiled, but slowly and deliberately continued, [You know John, I checked on him. Went to see him...after.]

John looked stunned. "[You did? When? How, how was he?]"

No one missed the slightly desperate look and heartache (or was it hope?) in John's eyes.

Everyone was seated on the floor on pillows, leaning up against a couch (Rowan and John), against the wall (Ronan) or just in the middle of the floor (Teyla and Rodney). They looked to their team leader and felt for a moment the love and concern in John's voice. It was something none of them had ever heard before.

Rowan turned to look at John. [It was a month after.] She paused and tool a breath, [He was sad. But made me promise to not tell you. He wanted me to tell you that he was doing OK, if you ever asked. I didn't tell him that you and I weren't...on the best of terms]

John hesitated before asking, "[...did, um. Did you tell him, did you tell him what I did?]"

[No.]

[John, both of you- after Afghanistan and after Cooper left...He left- then you, well- you took pills. And he..he, was not same without you. Looked lost. I know.. even across this galaxy...you need each other.]

John just made a quiet smile and said "[Easier said than done sis. Coop leaving me, well that ended up in me here. In Atlantis. I belong here. SO maybe...this was just the way it was meant to be.]"

John slowly continued, "[I'm not saying I wouldn't change a thing, but I can't imagine myself NOT here, in Atlantis with you guys. I belong here. I learned a long time ago that I just can't have it all, I'm OK with that.]"

John pause a moment and continued he put his hand over his heart and said, "[I had 10 years of love and good times with the absolute love of my life- I HAD that already. But, I can't even forgive myself for what I did after he left, so why should I expect him to? I had more than a lot of people ever have or get to experience, I had more love from him than I deserved, and I can't ask him to live this life with me. It's not fair to him. I'm not worth it- No- listen, it's not fair to ask him to life this life in this danger with the CONSTANT threat we face everyday, to live with the fear of losing me or his own life this way.]"

Rowan simply replied, [I think you should leave that choice up to him. I think it's unfair that you won't give it another try. That YOU have given up on HIM.]

Teyla thought that such sentiments as Rowan had put forth tonight seemed out of place coming from this strange woman, who was John's sister. Rowan who seemed to pride herself on her independence. She sat there in her dark clothing, pierced bodyparts, and frightening tattoos trying to force people away from her- and yet, Teyla knew she spoke the truth, that the John they all knew was actually only half the man he once was. She wish she had know him then. The small moment that she and the others witnessed just now, the sound of John's voice when he asked after Cooper, this was something she had never heard in John's voice- hope? love? - and didn't recognize it as missing until she heard it just now.

Teyla quietly said, "You admit John, that he is the love of your life?"

John looked like it was the easiest thing in the world to say, even saying it, it took years off his face he lit up- "Well, yeah."

Ronan nodded his head, "I can't ever get Malena back. But if she was alive, even across the galaxy, I'd find a way."

John looked around at his friends and didn't know what to say. "[Guys. He and I...we..well we tried to make it work. And I fucked it up. DADT still exists. I can still lose my job. That hasn't changed.]"

Rodney said, "Sheppard, you know as well as I do that Weir would never do that to you."

John looked up sharply, "[Do you McKay? Really? Are you positive? I could lose everything, they can ship me back to Earth for this. Discharge. End of story.]" Everyone sighed, but couldn't deny the Colonel's point. You never knew what hidden hatred lay within people.

John continued, "[I'd like to think that she wouldn't bat an eye, that she'll still like me, and want to work with me. But, trust me, after your own father disowns you, strangers spit on you, half the world disdains you and most of your childhood friends abandon you to the wolves, well then, maybe you can tell me how she'll react, how my men will react. I doubt everyone on base will be as gracious as Lorne. I am lucky to have him as my second-in-command and friend and I know it.]" There was no anger behind this outburst, just long pent-up frustrations.

John exhaled and relaxed a little, "[I'm not upset about what I don't have. We had...well, I...he deserves better than me. Better than what I can give him.]"

Ronan said, "Don't be stupid Sheppard."

John laughed, "[What? He left because I got taken in Afghanistan and left him in HELL for two weeks- not knowing what happened! What's changed? Not much guys. I still face insurgents- we just call 'em Genii! I still search out the enemy, they're just Wraith! I can't ask ever ask him to come back to me, not when I risk what we do everyday.]"

"Yeah, but now, " Rodney argued, "He WOULD know. We would tell him. Weir would tell him. Think what you'd like Colonel, but I choose to believe that the Atlantis Expedition values YOU. And that not more than two shits would be given if your boyfriend came for a visit. I'll bet all my coffee on that. And hopefully one of those asshats is Kavannaugh, so I'll have a real reason to fire him."

John laughed again. It was a relief to everyone that this talk didn't seem too hard on him. They just wished that they could make him believe he was worth the effort. That maybe, it was possible.

"[Well, I haven't spoken to him in 5 years. He's probably moved on.]" John looked down at his hands. He stood up and went to press play on the computer to start the movie, effectively closing the discussion.

Rowan seriously doubted that Cooper had 'moved on' but was proud of her brother. He didn't put up his usual walls, or deflect with jokes, he let show a little bit of himself to these people.

Teyla looked around her and asked, "Where's the popcorn Colonel?"